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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious with DH?

163 replies

Blueskiesdazzleme · 20/11/2020 20:28

DH and I have been married 20 years, have 4 DC - 3 at school, eldest at Uni. He has a DS from a previous relationship who has always visited regularly but is much older - 27 now. He has recently split up from his girlfriend in a horrible way (he doesn’t want to move in with her after they spent years saving up for a deposit living with her parents). He resigned from his job without having another to go to and has been out of work since March. His mother has gotten sick of it and asked him to leave, he’s staying with a friend. Found out yesterday through my eldest DD that DH has been bankrolling him for a few months, paying him £1k a month!! DH also paying for therapy for him as he has a lot of guilt at not being with him as he grew up. He has now spent some of the money on a car he doesn’t need. DH has also found him a job with a friend of his. The money has been wasted it’s not gone towards renting a place or a deposit. My DD spent the summer working in a supermarket while he wasn’t working. I just cancelled a UK trip as we couldn’t afford it, DH has been asking me to pay for kids’ activities as he has had a dip in income due to the pandemic. I work p/t and I am furious that DH didn’t ask me before he spent this money on his son. He hasn’t been paying it from the joint account or I would have seen. We both have separate accounts other than the joint one. AIBU?

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 20/11/2020 22:12

@EvaporatedHour as he seems to be a responsible father I would think he would.

ReneeRol · 20/11/2020 22:15

Obviously his son was going through a very hard time and his behaviour would suggest severe depression or a breakdown. He helped him get through it and get back on his feet. He did the right thing. You'd do the same if it were your own kids in a similar position.

I'd certainly help mine out.

Cocomarine · 20/11/2020 22:17

Not necessary unreasonable to support him for a short period, from his money - without impacting family finances. But in this case, definitely unreasonable as he was lying about his business income to get you to cover more activity costs for the other kids.
I’d be cross at:

  • the lying
  • the expecting you to sub it without discussing it
  • him just not discussing it even if it didn’t impact you financially, you’re supposed to be a team
BlueThistles · 20/11/2020 22:23

He's been funding his lazy git adult son £1K plus therapy a month?! This guy will never find an actual steady job (my money's on him leaving the job his Dad found) why the hell would he bother working.. His Dads funding everything...Confused

I bet his partner kicked him out too.. after she realised she was also funding him... Hmm

He sounds like a right catch...

YANBU OP.. a conversation at the very least should have been had between you and DH. Flowers

SandyY2K · 20/11/2020 22:23

I am furious that DH didn’t ask me before he spent this money on his son

YABU

I don't like the idea of asking permission (as a grown adult) to spend my own money.

Where I would have an issue, is him not keeping up his normal financial contribution to the household.

£1k is a lot of money and his DS did a horrible thing by deceiving his GF...but it sounds like he has some issues and needs help.

BlueThistles · 20/11/2020 22:24

His issues are.. He doesn't want to WORK Confused

even his Mother sees it FFS

EvaporatedHour · 20/11/2020 22:27

@lovepickledlimes but his daughter had to work in a supermarket all summer whilst he paid his son a 'wage' for doing nothing. Doesn't seem particularly fair.

SentientAndCognisant · 20/11/2020 22:27

An adult man with his own separate account doesn’t need to ask his wife permission how to spend his own monies
For sure,if a man were expecting a woman to seek permission before spending her own money there’d be uproar

EvaporatedHour · 20/11/2020 22:36

It doesn't seem as though he can afford to give his son that amount of money per month though. OP has said that she had to cancel a holiday as they can't afford it, her husband hasn't paid his share towards their other childrens' activities and he was happy to let his daughter work in a supermarket all summer with no financial help given to her.

Standrewsschool · 20/11/2020 22:38

I get that dh wants to support his son, but £1000 a month, that’s a lot of money. I’d fuming as well. It would make me wonder what else dh had kept secret from me, in terms of finances etc.

The son is 27 ! Not a youngest. Been an adult for almost ten years.

katy1213 · 20/11/2020 22:39

£1000 a month to a grown man who has walked out of a job! I'd be furious, too. But this is Mumsnet and adult children are never old enough to stand on their own two feet! (How did we ever get through broken hearts and break-ups without needing therapy?)

SandyY2K · 20/11/2020 22:59

@SentientAndCognisant

An adult man with his own separate account doesn’t need to ask his wife permission how to spend his own monies

I agree with you.

For sure, if a man were expecting a woman to seek permission before spending her own money there’d be uproar

You know how the double standards work on here...men are always wrong.

I have never asked my DH for permission to spend my money and I never will.

As long as I contribute to our household, I can do what I like with my money.. that's the beauty of financial independence.

His DS needs to sort his life out...but that's a separate issue to the OPs DH asking her first. Asking, gives the option for a yes or no....why ask when you don't need agreement or authorisation.

I suspect he also feels ashamed and embarrassed his DS is in such a mess, by his dishonesty and everything else, which is another reason he didn't tell you about it.

There's also no age you don't help your DC out...I have kids in University, but my parents would be happy to help me financially if I needed it.

RB68 · 20/11/2020 22:59

Its not unreasonable to help his son - it is unreasonable to make the rest of the family suffer in some way (or do without) . Its all family money and I would have expected a discussin fr such a large amount. 50 quid here and there not an issue but 1k for 7 or 8mths is alot

personally the son needs to experiece life "not working" ie on benefits so he needs to get on with it

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/11/2020 23:02

As long as he was contributing his share of bills I’d not have an issue. If prioritise my children over a holiday. You could always work more if you want a trip away.

timeisnotaline · 20/11/2020 23:08

It is unreasonable to generously help a child because they’ve pissed their income up against a wall. His gf saved 5k, he saved fuck all. (Good on her for ditching him). Minimal support yes, and he wouldn’t have had to cut down his family contribution if he’d done that.

No obvious evidence older son is going through a crisis as opposed to being an entitled semi adolescent who thinks the world owes him. There are a lot more of the latter around!

BloggersBlog · 20/11/2020 23:10

He is being ridiculous now and comparing it to me taking my 6 year old on a few days away to a theme park earlier this year

Dont you mean "Our 6 year old" Hmm as it is his child too - he is comparing taking one of his children to a theme park to paying another of his children £9k minimum?? That must have been one hell of a theme park trip!

lovepickledlimes · 20/11/2020 23:10

@EvaporatedHour we have no idea why the holiday was no longer affordable. The husband was still contributing his normal amount into the joint account

Feedingthebirds1 · 20/11/2020 23:12

Did the holiday have to be cancelled because the family finances couldn't afford it, or because he couldn't afford to contribute?

OP you can't stop him giving the money, but you can make damn sure it doesn't mean anyone else goes short. So if one month he can't afford his share of the bills - buy what you need for you and the DCs but not for him. Don't sub him when he wants/needs something and can't afford it.

He's made a choice, but choices have consequences. Make sure he's the only one who feels them.

Yellowbaby1 · 20/11/2020 23:19

If this was your eldest daughter would you do it automatically and assume your husband would support it?

ancientgran · 20/11/2020 23:19

Good for him helping his son, it is what a parent does. I bet you'd expect him to help your kids.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 20/11/2020 23:24

@IveNameChangedAgain2020

I'd do the same for any child of mine. However he can't be spending your money
This 100%
OldeMagick · 20/11/2020 23:25

@lovepickledlimes

It is his money and he is free to spend it as he sees fit. It was not right of him to keep this a secret from you but it might also be something his DS wanted to keep private
Why would he tell his sister about it if he wanted to keep it private?
BlueThistles · 20/11/2020 23:26

Good for him helping his son, it is what a parent does. I bet you'd expect him to help your kids.

He's not helping him..

he's supporting an adult that walked out of a job.. he's paying for private therapy.... for an adult that saved Zero whilst his partner saved £5K.. and is lounging on a mates sofa...whilst he hands over a Thousand Pounds a month.... since MARCH... 8 months.. £8K handed over already.... Shock

whilst the rest of the family cope with the Shortfall.. Confused

KnitsAndGiggles · 20/11/2020 23:27

If this was the other way round you'd be getting your arse absolutely handed to you.

If you don't like the amount of family money available perhaps you could contribute more yourself

KnitsAndGiggles · 20/11/2020 23:29

whilst the rest of the family cope with the Shortfall..

The DH is contributing his normal amount to the family pot