To be absolutely furious with DH?

[Blueskiesdazzleme]

DH and I have been married 20 years, have 4 DC - 3 at school, eldest at Uni. He has a DS from a previous relationship who has always visited regularly but is much older - 27 now. He has recently split up from his girlfriend in a horrible way (he doesn’t want to move in with her after they spent years saving up for a deposit living with her parents). He resigned from his job without having another to go to and has been out of work since March. His mother has gotten sick of it and asked him to leave, he’s staying with a friend. Found out yesterday through my eldest DD that DH has been bankrolling him for a few months, paying him £1k a month!! DH also paying for therapy for him as he has a lot of guilt at not being with him as he grew up. He has now spent some of the money on a car he doesn’t need. DH has also found him a job with a friend of his. The money has been wasted it’s not gone towards renting a place or a deposit. My DD spent the summer working in a supermarket while he wasn’t working. I just cancelled a UK trip as we couldn’t afford it, DH has been asking me to pay for kids’ activities as he has had a dip in income due to the pandemic. I work p/t and I am furious that DH didn’t ask me before he spent this money on his son. He hasn’t been paying it from the joint account or I would have seen. We both have separate accounts other than the joint one. AIBU?

After paying into the shared pot do they have an similar amount of personal spends. If they do, then it's not any of the ops business how dp spends his money

Except that OP’s DH can’t afford to pay £1000 a month to his adult son out of ‘his money’, so he needs OP to subsidise it by paying for a bigger share of the family expenses and also by forgoing things like family holidays.

@RUOKHon that is why I do think it is important that if there is a joint account both parties put enough money in to pay a fair contribution towards more luxury big spends such as holidays, gifts, or activities etc. Then the family can still afford a certain luxury while both parents still can have some personal money

BlueThistles

My eldest isn't DH and is 24 (doing a part MA so still a student). When I have loaned her money and indeed given her a notable amount of money I've always discussed it with DH.

there you go y'see.... discussed it with her DH.. its not difficult folks ...

You do realise that every marriage and the people within it are different. Just because one person discussed it with their DH, doesn't make it the right thing for all other marriages.

Being furious and not attempting to understand the situationin it's entirety...just saying he's enabling him, without thinking about the deeper issues at play won't help.

The comment your SS made about your H being emotionally distant is all part of it. Maybe your H does need (more) therapy or maybe he's not able to make the changes.....everyone's upbringing plays a part in who they become.

You do realise that every marriage and the people within it are different. Just because one person discussed it with their DH, doesn't make it the right thing for all other marriages.

Oh this is interesting...... so your marriage is NOT a partnership .. okay.. I hear you.. I suppose there are many marriages like yours yes...

@BlueThistles that is rather patronizing. The way each family works as a team can vary. This is especially true in cases where there are kids from previous relationships.

The son has been through a break up, has mental health issues, unemployed (possibly as a result of his MH issues), potentially compounded by covid/lockdown and homeless. Presumably he does have living expenses ie. chips in for the friends he stays with and has to eat. Perhaps a car is to help him find a job further afield. Maybe not. His dad is paying for therapy for him. Still I don't see how any of that makes him a bad dad. He still pays the same in to the family pot. Then he spends some of the remainder on what he considers his current priority ie. his son who needs him at present. OP want his priority to be her. If the OP can't see this as a good trait in her DH then that is quite sad. if she has no compassion for her DSS in these circumstances it certainly does seem like she doesn't care much for her DSS

that is rather patronizing

it's only as patronising as the posters response to me.

@SeasonFinale

The son has been through a break up, has mental health issues, unemployed (possibly as a result of his MH issues), potentially compounded by covid/lockdown and homeless. Presumably he does have living expenses ie. chips in for the friends he stays with and has to eat. Perhaps a car is to help him find a job further afield. Maybe not. His dad is paying for therapy for him. Still I don't see how any of that makes him a bad dad. He still pays the same in to the family pot. Then he spends some of the remainder on what he considers his current priority ie. his son who needs him at present. OP want his priority to be her. If the OP can't see this as a good trait in her DH then that is quite sad. if she has no compassion for her DSS in these circumstances it certainly does seem like she doesn't care much for her DSS

Completely agree

if the son was using the money to help himelf out of the mess it wouldnt be so bad

but hes not

he doesnt need a car in london and who is going to run it

even his own mother has had enough so why is it oh the poor son he soun ds like a scrounger

Perhaps his mother can't cope with a son with MH issues. We have heard onky the OP's version of events in a tone and manner that suits her narrative.

I think he was being unreasonable giving 1k a month to his son who is an adult, without any conversation. Yes, he wanted to help. Can anyone imagine not talking to their partner about this though? I can't imagine taking that much off my parents every month as an adult.

I would be angry, disappointed and very hurt. That is a huge amount of money to be handing over every month and to do it without consulting you is appalling.