To be absolutely furious with DH?

[Blueskiesdazzleme]

DH and I have been married 20 years, have 4 DC - 3 at school, eldest at Uni. He has a DS from a previous relationship who has always visited regularly but is much older - 27 now. He has recently split up from his girlfriend in a horrible way (he doesn’t want to move in with her after they spent years saving up for a deposit living with her parents). He resigned from his job without having another to go to and has been out of work since March. His mother has gotten sick of it and asked him to leave, he’s staying with a friend. Found out yesterday through my eldest DD that DH has been bankrolling him for a few months, paying him £1k a month!! DH also paying for therapy for him as he has a lot of guilt at not being with him as he grew up. He has now spent some of the money on a car he doesn’t need. DH has also found him a job with a friend of his. The money has been wasted it’s not gone towards renting a place or a deposit. My DD spent the summer working in a supermarket while he wasn’t working. I just cancelled a UK trip as we couldn’t afford it, DH has been asking me to pay for kids’ activities as he has had a dip in income due to the pandemic. I work p/t and I am furious that DH didn’t ask me before he spent this money on his son. He hasn’t been paying it from the joint account or I would have seen. We both have separate accounts other than the joint one. AIBU?

I do feel it is enabling - for those posters who have asked why I don’t work f/t, I do all the school runs, all the school related activities, all the extra curricular activities, all the kids’ meals and washing/cleaning so I think I do pretty well to work 3 days in a highly stressful job. My DH could not run his business if I didn’t pick up all the slack at home

Of all your posts OP this is what stands out to me.
Of course you feel that your DH’s money is ‘joint’ because you are losing out on your own income to facilitate his earning. I do the same thing with my DH and you better believe I see him money as ‘ours’.

The way your DH has behaved suggests he does not view it that way. He simply owes you a monthly payment into the joint account and anything above that is HIS to do with as he likes. No discussion required.

In your situation I would stop enabling and facilitating your DH.

‘I will no longer be picking up the slack for you to work full time as ‘your money’ is obviously not ‘my money’ it’s not in mine or my children’s best interests. I will sort out 50% of the current childcare/extra curricular activities and you will be responsible for the other 50%. You will still need to pay the same into the joint account each month so the deficit will have to come from all that ‘personal’ money you obviously have.’

I would drive this home by simply ‘disappearing’ out of the house when DH should be picking up childcare so he can’t just go to work/ignore it. ‘Right I’m off, kids need to get to school and lunches need making oh and don’t forget X has trampoling at 5pm. BYE’ runs out the door

Then up your hours accordingly and improve your own financial situation. I’d be livid that DD had been slaving in a supermarket whilst her elder brother sat on his arse getting handed £1k per month.

If you feel parenting guilt it can haunt you a long time and can be very, very difficult to snap out of. My mum remains in that same situation with my brother (33 years old, has some of the same ‘slacker’ mindset, but also experienced physical violence from my dad at a very young age...which she wasn’t always able to stop). So she keeps trying to compensate for that trauma (money, support, housing), even though everyone tells her he’s old enough to have moved on.

Bottom line is, parental guilt can drive us to extreme actions.

I actually agree with the idea that your DH needs therapy. He needs to understand where his responsibilities with his son begin and end.

@TeachesOfPeaches

What type of upbringing did the son have if he needs therapy ?

This. There is clearly more going on here that what OP knows. This also stood out to me:

DD found out as she was chatting online with him and he mentioned that DH had been giving him this money and paying for the therapy but that DH needed the therapy himself!

The son thinks his dad needs therapy. Was he simply a missing father or is there more involved? Have you not spoken to your DH about this?

Jobs haven’t been easy to get in the last six months, to be fair. I wonder if DS asked Dp for £1000 to help for the first months rent, and then kept paying as he emotionally felt obliged to.

In many ways, it’s not the money or support that’s the issue. It’s the fact that dp has hidden the donations from op, in a family where large purchases are always discussed. To support DS in such a generous way should be a joint decesion. Dh has been deceitful.

I think he should have discussed it with you but it would have been very unreasonable to refuse linked you can honestly say you wouldn't help your own child who needed therapy (which very likely is related to his parents' split) and somewhere to live.

Would you really prioritise a holiday over your child who needed and was prepared to get help in the form of therapy?

Only on Mumsnet would somebody spending £1000 a month without discussing with their partner be normal. That's not permission ftr, just a courtesy "hows your finances at the mo love? Dave is having a tough time and I'd like to support him, can we make that happen? Have we got any expenses coming up"

Either it's chump change, you're on squillions and £8k is no big deal, or you're average and let's face it £8k is more savings than most people have.

Wow...
YANBU at all...If my DH did it I would divorce him.
1000 for a 27year old men while your tennagers is working in a supermarket? What a joke...

He is definitely not helping him..he is enabling him to become a full time lazy cocklodger- I'm.predicting that when your DH runs out of money, your SS will find a partner and expect her to keep him.

Crikey. If he's still paying in to the family pot same as he always did, I can't see that it's any of your business. I wouldn't dream of asking dp if I can spend my own money on my own child.

When was the last time the son supported himself? He was living with his girlfriend's parents to save for a deposit, so presumably rent free. It isn't helping him get back on his feet if he's never taken responsibility. It's just bankrolling him.

If your DD needed support of course you should discuss it together - you're both her parents.

His son is not your son and so it's nothing to do with you. You certainly don't sound like you like his son, and you seem to think your DD is some sort of hero for working in a supermarket. Everyone's circumstances are different and you clearly don't have the full picture - maybe because you're acting unreasonably when you do only have half the story.

His son is not your son and so it's nothing to do with you.

This is BS. You are married and a family, what your DH spends large sums of money on is 100% something to do with you.

OP, you haven't said why your DH didn't discuss this with you previously

Of all your posts OP this is what stands out to me.
Of course you feel that your DH’s money is ‘joint’ because you are losing out on your own income to facilitate his earning. I do the same thing with my DH and you better believe I see him money as ‘ours’.
The way your DH has behaved suggests he does not view it that way. He simply owes you a monthly payment into the joint account and anything above that is HIS to do with as he likes. No discussion required.
In your situation I would stop enabling and facilitating your DH.
‘I will no longer be picking up the slack for you to work full time as ‘your money’ is obviously not ‘my money’ it’s not in mine or my children’s best interests. I will sort out 50% of the current childcare/extra curricular activities and you will be responsible for the other 50%. You will still need to pay the same into the joint account each month so the deficit will have to come from all that ‘personal’ money you obviously have.’
I would drive this home by simply ‘disappearing’ out of the house when DH should be picking up childcare so he can’t just go to work/ignore it. ‘Right I’m off, kids need to get to school and lunches need making oh and don’t forget X has trampoling at 5pm. BYE’ runs out the door
Then up your hours accordingly and improve your own financial situation. I’d be livid that DD had been slaving in a supermarket whilst her elder brother sat on his arse getting handed £1k per month

This is exactly right. No wonder you’re furious OP. I would be too.

@Pumpertrumper

I do feel it is enabling - for those posters who have asked why I don’t work f/t, I do all the school runs, all the school related activities, all the extra curricular activities, all the kids’ meals and washing/cleaning so I think I do pretty well to work 3 days in a highly stressful job. My DH could not run his business if I didn’t pick up all the slack at home

Of all your posts OP this is what stands out to me.
Of course you feel that your DH’s money is ‘joint’ because you are losing out on your own income to facilitate his earning. I do the same thing with my DH and you better believe I see him money as ‘ours’.

The way your DH has behaved suggests he does not view it that way. He simply owes you a monthly payment into the joint account and anything above that is HIS to do with as he likes. No discussion required.

In your situation I would stop enabling and facilitating your DH.

‘I will no longer be picking up the slack for you to work full time as ‘your money’ is obviously not ‘my money’ it’s not in mine or my children’s best interests. I will sort out 50% of the current childcare/extra curricular activities and you will be responsible for the other 50%. You will still need to pay the same into the joint account each month so the deficit will have to come from all that ‘personal’ money you obviously have.’

I would drive this home by simply ‘disappearing’ out of the house when DH should be picking up childcare so he can’t just go to work/ignore it. ‘Right I’m off, kids need to get to school and lunches need making oh and don’t forget X has trampoling at 5pm. BYE’ runs out the door

Then up your hours accordingly and improve your own financial situation. I’d be livid that DD had been slaving in a supermarket whilst her elder brother sat on his arse getting handed £1k per month.

This is exactly what I feel and what I’m going to do. @KnitsAndGiggles I don’t have half the story I have known his son since he was 5. He thinks his dad is emotionally distant and he is, with all of us not just his son. DH had a terrible upbringing in a dysfunctional situation, his son’s has been nothing like that. He did go to therapy a few years ago which his son is not aware of. It can’t be nothing to do with me as his ‘extra’ money which has been siphoned off at source out of his business wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for what I do with his other kids. He will be 73 when my youngest is the same age as his son, we won’t be able to provide for her in that way. She will have to be independent as he should be. This money should have been put aside for her - as we get older we could have health problems or even die before she is that age. Thanks for your responses everyone.

@ancientgran

Good for him helping his son, it is what a parent does. I bet you'd expect him to help your kids.

This!

He sounds a good responsible parent. When the children you have together find themselves in a similar position I'm sure you will be happy for him to help out.

@Blueskiesdazzleme

Re the car - we are in London - there is a great public transport network. The insurance and running costs will be extortionate. No doubt DH will be expected to cover those too. The money was apparently needed to get him back on his feet, so DH says - can’t see how the car has helped with that and obviously he didn’t need as much as he said.

So his dad buys him a car and you are berating him for it and listing all the reasons he shouldn't/doesn't need a car. Be happy for your stepson. He hasn't had his Dad around. A parent buying a car for his child is not a bad thing.

I think he's reasonable to help his son. The form of this help, the amounts involved, could maybe be different but responsibilities to children of first marriages dont just conveniently disappear when they hit 18, even if there are younger children by the second wife. I really doubt your refuse to help your own child at that age if they needed it, however much you think you might now.

His son needs therapy and your DH feels responsible for that, plus there's some reason DH didn't feel able to discuss it with you.

Of course he should have discussed it with you but in view of the judgemental and disparaging way your discussed his son here it perhaps isn't surprising that he didn't feel able to to?

To have a son in such distress, to feel responsible for that and to fear that your DW might not support your helping him must be an awful position to be in.

What would you honestly do if it was your son?

When does the money stop when they marry when they have their own kids when the grown as adult child decide.

In the case of my DB, it stopped when I found out! By then he was 55, not worked since 18, had a wife, who worked but sent money abroad to family, an adult child, and a house - deposit provided by our mum and rest by his wife’s rich employers (with a high interest rate!). He hadn’t been getting £1000 a month, but still bankrolled for many years by our mum.

And yes DB is an entitled, lazy arse who has always thought the world owes him....it will be interesting to see what happens when he has used up his inheritance and has to stand on his own 2 feet for the first time ever.

It sounds like Op’s SS is very similar - who gives up a job without another one to go to?

Op, I would be livid. My young adult DC both have retail jobs tiding them over during pandemic, eldest got his during lockdown, whilst still in final year of uni. We would have fed and housed him if he hadn’t got it, but £1000 - no one needs that much if not paying rent.

Wow!

All of those that would do the same-lucky you to have the money!

We'd be able to have them back in the house & feed them, but give £1,000 a month?

No way!

To have a son in such distress

This made me laugh - he is in so much distress, he told his sister it was their dad that needed therapy! I wonder whose idea the therapy was, son or father?

*We'd be able to have them back in the house & feed them, but give £1,000 a month?

No way!*

Just a hunch but I have a feeling this isn't an option here? It may well be the father's preferred option.

Wanting to pay it isn’t unreasonable, not discussing, or even letting you know is poor form.

@BecomeStronger

*We'd be able to have them back in the house & feed them, but give £1,000 a month?

No way!*

Just a hunch but I have a feeling this isn't an option here? It may well be the father's preferred option.

Probably.

You sound like you don't like your DSS though and this is clouding your judgment and your posts.

DSS is living somewhere (even if at different friends) and presumably chips in with expenses and has to feed himself. If DSS is in need of therapy maybe for depression or whatever it is not easy to walk into a job during lockdown or even normally if suffering from some form of MH issue.

So what your 18 year old DD got a job? I assume she wanted to rather than she is paying household expenses. If it is to say he could get one too see my comments above.

Your dislike for DSS cones over strongly and that is why your DH did not feel able to tell you.