To be absolutely furious with DH?

[Blueskiesdazzleme]

DH and I have been married 20 years, have 4 DC - 3 at school, eldest at Uni. He has a DS from a previous relationship who has always visited regularly but is much older - 27 now. He has recently split up from his girlfriend in a horrible way (he doesn’t want to move in with her after they spent years saving up for a deposit living with her parents). He resigned from his job without having another to go to and has been out of work since March. His mother has gotten sick of it and asked him to leave, he’s staying with a friend. Found out yesterday through my eldest DD that DH has been bankrolling him for a few months, paying him £1k a month!! DH also paying for therapy for him as he has a lot of guilt at not being with him as he grew up. He has now spent some of the money on a car he doesn’t need. DH has also found him a job with a friend of his. The money has been wasted it’s not gone towards renting a place or a deposit. My DD spent the summer working in a supermarket while he wasn’t working. I just cancelled a UK trip as we couldn’t afford it, DH has been asking me to pay for kids’ activities as he has had a dip in income due to the pandemic. I work p/t and I am furious that DH didn’t ask me before he spent this money on his son. He hasn’t been paying it from the joint account or I would have seen. We both have separate accounts other than the joint one. AIBU?

@BecomeStronger

I think he should have discussed it with you but it would have been very unreasonable to refuse linked you can honestly say you wouldn't help your own child who needed therapy (which very likely is related to his parents' split) and somewhere to live.

Would you really prioritise a holiday over your child who needed and was prepared to get help in the form of therapy?

No I wouldn’t refuse to help. But in this situation, it sounds as though there would have been enough to pay for therapy, go on holiday and fund the dss a more modest amount. Especially if there was no car purchase.

He 100% should have discussed it-yes to the therapy if it helps him sort himself out-but it shouldn’t be forgotten that this will cost at least another £200/month

Op says she likes her dss. Idk why people aren’t taking this at face value. She sounds angry with both men and exasperated. The rest is pure conjecture.

1k a month to a 27yr old who has made bad choices- shocking

My DS (24)gave up a job just before the first lockdown. We were furious as he had returned home to us after uni, he didnt hold down a job until recently, he sat around thinking the world owes him. Funny enough his biological father throws money at him too. Some strange guilt about his youth. My DS had a very nice life and wasnt some damaged victim from a broken home although have no doubt he would suggest he was. We have younger siblings at home too and dont want them thinking they can bum around the house as adults sponging off us.

Your DH is making his DS situation worse by simply handing over money, not sure what the money is for given he is at his mothers, what about telling his adult DS to get himself a job.

You sound like you don't like your DSS though and this is clouding your judgment and your posts.

WTF 🙄

I wouldn't be annoyed about this. I wouldn't even be annoyed if I wasn't told because you say it wasn't from the joint account so I'm assuming the money he has given to his son is essentially your husbands money and he can do whatever he wants with it. You also say he has been paying for therapy so there has to be something going on in terms of mental health. Going out and getting a job isn't going to fix that. Also you say the money has been wasted, how do you know he isn't paying some sort of rent with his friend? does he have a phone? Does he eat? I'd hardly say 250 a week is a 'waste'. It wouldn't go far if that's someone's only income. Ask yourself this, if the tables were turned what would I do for my child(age doesn't matter) if they were struggling. Kudos to your husband for stepping up because so many parents don't.

I would be furious too. It’s the lying and the double standards.

Whether the money is “his” or not this should have been discussed.

I don’t know what the answer is but I think it’s a terrible thing for DH to have done

My eldest isn't DH and is 24 (doing a part MA so still a student). When I have loaned her money and indeed given her a notable amount of money I've always discussed it with DH.

There are 4 DC altogether and we could help the eldest out more financially but we are both aware that we need to help them all fairly so are cautious.

We have eldest money towards a car that she asked to borrow (was waiting for house deposit return) and in part she paid for all her driving lessons and I didn't do any driving practice whereas another money bought her own car first so I gave her loads of driving practice and paid for new car tyres as I want her to be safe as possible!!!

Anyway I'm waffling but we're married it's all our money and we do our best to treat the DC fairly which is harder when there is large age gap between youngest and eldest and our financial circumstances have really improved over the last 6 years.

I'm assuming the money he has given to his son is essentially your husbands money and he can do whatever he wants with it

But OP has taken the hit to her own career and earning potential in order to help her DH earn ‘his’ money. So IMO that makes it as much hers as it is his.

But OP has taken the hit to her own career and earning potential in order to help her DH earn ‘his’ money. So IMO that makes it as much hers as it is his.

And it’s not even like the rest of the family benefit from the money OP is enabling him to earn. They get the fixed joint account amount to share between them. The rest of the money is ring fenced to be spent on just one adult child. No way is that fair.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

He isnt being unreasonable in wanting to help his son if his son is essentially homeless (though I'm not sure bunging him cash without any stipulations is the best way to go about it). If your finances are joint, and he has been asking to you pay more than you normally do and not telling you why then yes this is shit - he is effectively getting you to subsidise his payments to his son without your knowledge and that's not really transparent or honest

This

My eldest isn't DH and is 24 (doing a part MA so still a student). When I have loaned her money and indeed given her a notable amount of money I've always discussed it with DH.

there you go y'see.... discussed it with her DH.. its not difficult folks ... 🌺

It's great that your DH is paying for therapy for his soon to help him deal with whatever issues might be standing in hs way. I've paid for private therapy (out of my disability payments) and it's not £1000 a month though of course.

Your DH could just've paid for the therapy and also let the son have a deposit to rent a flat when he's ready.

But he shouldn't be paying his daily living expenses for this long without telling you. That's what we have a benefits system for. And the car thing is taking the piss.

Me eldest also lived with her Dad mainly between the ages of 12-18 so not a resident child!

@Pumpertrumper

I do feel it is enabling - for those posters who have asked why I don’t work f/t, I do all the school runs, all the school related activities, all the extra curricular activities, all the kids’ meals and washing/cleaning so I think I do pretty well to work 3 days in a highly stressful job. My DH could not run his business if I didn’t pick up all the slack at home

Of all your posts OP this is what stands out to me.
Of course you feel that your DH’s money is ‘joint’ because you are losing out on your own income to facilitate his earning. I do the same thing with my DH and you better believe I see him money as ‘ours’.

The way your DH has behaved suggests he does not view it that way. He simply owes you a monthly payment into the joint account and anything above that is HIS to do with as he likes. No discussion required.

In your situation I would stop enabling and facilitating your DH.

‘I will no longer be picking up the slack for you to work full time as ‘your money’ is obviously not ‘my money’ it’s not in mine or my children’s best interests. I will sort out 50% of the current childcare/extra curricular activities and you will be responsible for the other 50%. You will still need to pay the same into the joint account each month so the deficit will have to come from all that ‘personal’ money you obviously have.’

I would drive this home by simply ‘disappearing’ out of the house when DH should be picking up childcare so he can’t just go to work/ignore it. ‘Right I’m off, kids need to get to school and lunches need making oh and don’t forget X has trampoling at 5pm. BYE’ runs out the door

Then up your hours accordingly and improve your own financial situation. I’d be livid that DD had been slaving in a supermarket whilst her elder brother sat on his arse getting handed £1k per month.

Great post.

Your husband sounds like a piece of work and as for his son at 27. He sounds lazy, entitled and a leech.
His own mother got sick of it.

Deal breaker territory for me.
Your husband has very little respect for you but is more than happy for you to be the house skivvy whild he finances his son.

His girlfriend is well rid of such a waster.

.I do feel it is enabling - for those posters who have asked why I don’t work f/t, I do all the school runs, all the school related activities, all the extra curricular activities, all the kids’ meals and washing/cleaning so I think I do pretty well to work 3 days in a highly stressful job. My DH could not run his business if I didn’t pick up all the slack at home. It is a choice though, you chose to have 4 children and presumably decided that when looking at the balance of work fulltime outside the home and working part time you decided to go part time. Your husband probably could arrange his work and home responsibilities if that was what you jointly decided.

Of course I would help my eldest DD if she needed it in 9 years but I would always expect her to get a job, I would not just be handing out money unless there was a very good reason she couldn’t work. Maybe if she needed therapy that would be a good reason?

My DH has not given me any reason why no job has been looked for or found in the last 6 months when my 18 year old found one in a few weeks for the whole summer. There could be several reasons, it can be easier for an 18 year old to get a temporary job as they are cheaper and that is a business consideration.

I would also discuss helping her with my DH and work out how much we should give her and what she’d be using it for. None of that has happened here which is why I am angry. But you'd be discussing it with her father, he might not feel it is appropriate to discuss something about his son with you, his son is entitled to some privacy about whatever issues he has.

DH was also not married previously there was no divorce. He never lived with my stepson’s mother, they weren’t together when she found out she was pregnant. And that is his son's fault? This young man never had his father at home with him, can't you see how much luckier your kids were?

But OP has taken the hit to her own career and earning potential in order to help her DH earn ‘his’ money.

Why? Did he tell her to do that?

What’s stopping her from working full time right now?

If women want to martyr themselves that’s their own conscious choice.

There are 4 DC altogether and we could help the eldest out more financially but we are both aware that we need to help them all fairly so are cautious. Fair doesn't always mean they all have to get the same. If your DD had a broken leg would you refuse to drive her to the hospital because the other's might never need that help? No of course you wouldn't, you give them the help they need.

If women want to martyr themselves that’s their own conscious choice. It is indeed and sometimes they actually want more time at home for a variety of reasons, maybe they don't like their job, maybe they want more time with their children and actually not having to work or not having to work fulltime is a positive thing that their husband's don't get the opportunity to do.

@RUOKHon

I'm assuming the money he has given to his son is essentially your husbands money and he can do whatever he wants with it

But OP has taken the hit to her own career and earning potential in order to help her DH earn ‘his’ money. So IMO that makes it as much hers as it is his.

Well I agree in so far as this is exactly why couples where one person limits their earning capacity to contribute more to housework/childcare should have joined up finances, but at the end of the day these two don’t. If you’re going to have separate finances then you need to accept that the other party can spend their personal money as they see fit.

“Livid and can’t even look at him “

That part is v u reasonable and may account for why your husband did not discuss it with you.

It’s so obvious you don’t like your husband’s son.

@ancientgran I deliberately used the word "fairly" rather than equal or the same.

"Fairly" is looking at the needs of all them both now and in the future so you can help meet their individual needs.

I haven't given my eldest £12k. Per year to help her at uni because we couldn't afford to give it to all of them. The younger ones will be able to borrow far less (due to parental income) so to give them the same fair opportunity I will be giving them more than I gave/am giving the youngest.

I certainly don't spend exactly the same on all of mine but I'm fair and much of it is about need and supporting them with hobbies, interests, education and health but I don't make unilateral decisions about notable sums of money without discussing it with my husband because it's our income, our house, mortgage and our future.

Giving the eldest not youngest!!

One of the younger ones plans to do medicine, our expected parental contribution is going to be £££££££

But OP has taken the hit to her own career and earning potential in order to help her DH earn ‘his’ money. So IMO that makes it as much hers as it is his.

But it isn't hers. It's his. She chooses to work part time. If she isn't happy with that arrangement then they can change that. Plenty of parents both work full time. When my partner and I pay the bills whatever we have left over from our own wage is ours to spend how we like. I've never thought of my partners left over money as mine, bizarre.

I can kind of get that he mightn'tve wanted his son to claim UC/sickness benefit as he maybe thought he might then get in a habit of it or something. My parents were a bit like that. It wasn't good really, they'dve done better to encourage me to claim what I was entitled to.

And yes, if that's why he's doing it (+ maybe guilt, which a lot of parents have for one reason or another) then ideally he should've discussed it with you.