To be absolutely furious with DH?

[Blueskiesdazzleme]

DH and I have been married 20 years, have 4 DC - 3 at school, eldest at Uni. He has a DS from a previous relationship who has always visited regularly but is much older - 27 now. He has recently split up from his girlfriend in a horrible way (he doesn’t want to move in with her after they spent years saving up for a deposit living with her parents). He resigned from his job without having another to go to and has been out of work since March. His mother has gotten sick of it and asked him to leave, he’s staying with a friend. Found out yesterday through my eldest DD that DH has been bankrolling him for a few months, paying him £1k a month!! DH also paying for therapy for him as he has a lot of guilt at not being with him as he grew up. He has now spent some of the money on a car he doesn’t need. DH has also found him a job with a friend of his. The money has been wasted it’s not gone towards renting a place or a deposit. My DD spent the summer working in a supermarket while he wasn’t working. I just cancelled a UK trip as we couldn’t afford it, DH has been asking me to pay for kids’ activities as he has had a dip in income due to the pandemic. I work p/t and I am furious that DH didn’t ask me before he spent this money on his son. He hasn’t been paying it from the joint account or I would have seen. We both have separate accounts other than the joint one. AIBU?

I think while many divorced fathers seem to carry some guilt that they havent been there for their DC from a previous R/L,this is completely taking the piss! WTF is he on ? 1k PM for a 27 year old bloke. I would be furious too!

Surely who earns it irrelevant in a marriage with kids you are a unit decisions on big spending should be made together.

Whilst I dontventirely agree w the OP I'm pretty shocked at all the posters who dont feel that the money her husband earns is family money. Bet he doesnt pay her for his half of the childcare, housework, laundry etc.

How do we know the husband is putting the same amount into the joint account as OP? he might already be putting in more then half if he is the main earner. I do think it is healthy for people people in a relationship to retain some personal spending money that is theirs to spend as they see fit

My Money is mine, his is his. There is no we in our finances
We have a joint account for utilities, mortgage,nursery
Beyond that we don’t have shared monies. I’d cringe at thought of getting an allowance or whatever
If op wants more money she could increase from pt to ft

How have you managed to end up in a financial situation where he has all this extra money a month anyway, it should be joint.

There’s no should in joint finances,it’s entirely by choice how adults manage their monies
I don’t think one should share finances and I don’t
My money is mine. His is his. There is no we

57SentientAndCognisant There is we if you are married. Legally.

No, not if you chose to operate separate finances
There is a we at point of divorce as assets are shared
But on a day to day level one isn’t compelled to have a we arrangements
Read mn you’ll see women getting an allowance from he to she,that’s not full equal share

Read mn you’ll see women getting an allowance

you mean back in the 50's right 🤔

@LenaBlack while some joint money to cover bills, and shared expenditures is good it's also good to have some personal money at the side. I would hate to have to justify buying some makeup, a meal out with my friends etc to my partner which is what would happen if all the money was shared money

Err no I mean now. Multiple thread of women describing getting £x money from their partner. Defined as their money they received from him

@SentientAndCognisant if the husband is the sole earner I guess that makes sense

Rather the woman (or man if SAHD) received payment for childcare to put into a pension pot, instead of ‘sacrificing’ and then getting resentful a decade down the line.

Anyway it looks like OP’s husband has more than enough spare money to pay for a cleaner, which should be exercised if he’s doing virtually nothing around the house.

So a 27yo man was living rent free with his future in-laws for years and saved nothing? And your DH thought it’s best to enable the unemployed homeless DS loafing at his mum’s and friend’s houses by giving £1k on?! Your DH is an idiot.

Err no I mean now. Multiple thread of women describing getting £x money from their partner. Defined as their money they received from him

ok .... so not an Allowance...

Yes allowance That’s the term I’ve seen used multiple times
What do you suggest? It’s not a salary.

Renumeration. Recompense.

Salary has connotations of employee/ employer and doesn’t work here.

Ok, so should you ever find yourself in that position call it your remuneration

But it isn't hers. It's his. She chooses to work part time. If she isn't happy with that arrangement then they can change that.

maybe they want more time with their children and actually not having to work or not having to work fulltime is a positive thing that their husband's don't get the opportunity to do

If op wants more money she could increase from pt to ft

If you’re going to have separate finances then you need to accept that the other party can spend their personal money as they see fit.

The problem with statements like these is that we don't know how the OP came to be in that position. She says she's part time so that she can do all the other stuff while he works in the business. Did she give up a FT job to do that? Was it her choice? Did the DH suggest that that was how it would work best, but he'd pay a greater share to recognise that her earnings would take a hit?

Basically is he taking the benefit from the money she's enabling him to earn, while she takes the consequences?

and the 27 year old is still a lazy git 😏

I’m sure all the money he earns is ‘family money’ like MN likes to rant on about so much.... 😂

The problem with statements like these is that we don't know how the OP came to be in that position. She says she's part time so that she can do all the other stuff while he works in the business. Did she give up a FT job to do that? Was it her choice? Did the DH suggest that that was how it would work best, but he'd pay a greater share to recognise that her earnings would take a hit?

Well I guess it's dependent on how much the op earns and the dp earns. After paying into the shared pot do they have an similar amount of personal spends. If they do, then it's not any of the ops business how dp spends his money. If it isn't, then they need to look at how to make that more equal.

I would be raging.

The son sounds an utter loser.

I don’t think anyone has said the dh and op can’t have personal money. I’m sure they probably buy coffee, sandwiches, clothes etc without having to run it past the other first.

However, for large expenses, holidays, cars, household items etc, then that should be discussed. Giving your son £1000 every month is to most people a lot of money.

Often in these situations, someone comments that the op should spend equal amount on herself, so enjoy spending op! Nice handbag. Designer clothes? Jewellery etc.