To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

Please please get married first. Not because I think it's 'anti-feminist' not to get married (not sure where a pp got that from) but because legally, marriage is a big deal. I don't mean that in a patronising sense. I mean that if you get pregnant, take a drop in earnings due to maternity leave/going back part time/giving up work, then it ensures that the money your DH continues to earn (while you are doing all the free childcare) is a marital/family asset. If you were to split then that would be taken into consideration when you separate in terms of the finances you would get. If you're not married, then the money he earns is his regardless of whether you gave up your job in order to look after his DC.

I note that several people have asked you a) how you ended up mortgage free and b) whether the house is in both of your names and you haven't answered either question in any of your replies. It's fine not to answer a), but the answer to b) is also very important in terms of whether or not you're married. If you own the house 50:50 then it's less of an issue, but if it's all in your DP's name then again you would have no guarantee of anything if you were to split.

Thinking about what would happen if you were to split up is the sensible and mature thing to do - it doesn't mean you don't love your OH or that you expect to split up. But 50% of marriages end in divorce, and I imagine the stats are similar for long term relationships when the couple aren't married (may even be higher) so it's the realistic and sensible thing to think about. If that seems unnecessary because you're really happy and can't imagine ever splitting up then you're probably not mature enough to have a baby. I know that will sound patronising but it's true. So many women are taken in by the lovely idea of settling down and having a nice family etc so they don't plan for all the eventualities and then they are screwed over. Nobody ever plans for it to go tits up, but just read some of the threads on here.

It really depends on your lifestyle and what you want.

I can only speak personally I'm not in same boat as you. It's not just about "drinking and clubbing" When I was 23 I was working really long hours building my skill set at work and learning my craft. It involved lots of travel and long hours. I couldn't do that now I have a son. But it enabled me to get to a senior level and now I have more flexibility.

It's also glorious having no responsibility, sleeping in till 10am, having weekends away where you can lounge around and have lots of adult fun haha

My son is incredible but there are times of course I miss my lifestyle before him. I personally wouldn't have wanted that at 23 but lots of people do.

You know best what you want. Unfortunately judgement follows everything you do as a parent, so this is good practice! 🤣

@Burnthurst187 but if I’d waited til after my twenties I’d have never had biological children.

Quite apart from being patronising as fuck, all the comments about travel, going out, careers etc are irrelevant as fuck. If they are things you want or enjoy, it makes no odds whether you 'miss out' in your 20's, 30's, 40's or 50's.

In the same way my peers had more freedom when I had young dc, I now have more freedom when they have young dc. Both have advantages and disadvantages.

@vimtooo

Mortgage wise we have worked hard and put almost everything we earned combined, into our mortgage, this wasn't done by us alone of course - but a good chunk of it was. The rest, we came into some money and decided as oppose to going out, that would pay the house off so that we don't have this to worry about going forward, and always have somewhere to call home xx

I agree with Blue that I’d be disappointed if my child had a baby at your age and your situation. I’d also be worried about them regretting not making the most of their youth to have fun (and I don’t mean going out and being frivolous) but it sounds like you haven’t lived yet.

I'm always a bitat people who tell others that they are TTC.

I agree. I never knew this was a thing until I came on MN.

It's nobody else's business and by telling them, you are inviting comment.

Absolutely agree. It doesn't matter how close you are to them....just get on with your family planning and tell people when you're pregnant.

Then...they will just congratulate you...you won't hear people saying you're too young, too poor, too old or anything else that may well be true.

@vimtooo

In regards to the wedding, we had it booked but sadly cancelled due to Covid, we still want to get married but it isn't as important to us as having a family, which we both want. X

That's very naive. The importance of being married before children isn't the emotional or moral component, it's the fact that you make yourself vulnerable by having a baby, and marriage protects you.

@OwlBeThere

Why can’t you career build with children?! I went to uni when my second was 3 months, during my course I adopted no3. No4 was adopted during my masters. I got my PhD when my oldest was undergoing chemotherapy. And I have a great career now.

And mortgage free, they'll be able to afford the childcare to help that!

Yes both our names are on the house :)

I think that if you've made a decision about your lives then it's no one else's business. I don't think it's too young but I got married at 21 and had both my kids soon after. We now have two teenage boys and am so glad I didn't listen to the many who said I was far to young to get married and far too young to have children. I think why wait?

I'm always a bithmmat people who tell others that they are TTC.
I agree. I never knew this was a thing until I came on MN.

I'm always a bit 🙄 at people who disapprove of discussing anything personal with anyone ever regardless of your closeness

I agree about getting married first to protect yourself financially, but there is nothing wrong with having a baby at your age. You’re ready when you’re ready!

@Roominmyhouse

You are mortgage free at that age? Oh my god enjoy it before you have your children. Spend a few years having the money to enjoy your lives before you have your children.

Totally agree with this. You are in such a good position to do all the fun things that become so hard to do once you kids.

I think you're very sensible, OP. Have your children now, while you have more energy than you ever will again, your general health is likely to be very good, and your fertility is higher than it will be in your 30s. Your children will be in your life for longer than if you wait. By the time they are starting to grow up, you'll be able to concentrate on your career without any interruptions, and when they're adult, you will still be young enough to enjoy doing other things. I think everyone ought to have their children in their 20s, if they are in a position to do so.

I agree with pps, though - get married or do a civil partnership first. You really need that protection.

Id say ignore them and if you want to, then go for it. I say that because I was similar to you - got married at 24, been together 4 years, worked full time, owned a house. DH was 29 at the time so a bit older but we both felt ready to have a baby. Started trying just before I turned 25 and it took 3 years to conceive. They were extremely difficult years and I didn't think it was going to happen but we were blessed with a little boy. You never know what's round the corner and just because youre young now, it doesn't mean it will happen straight away but also doesn't mean you're not ready or that its too soon. Just do what is right for you and your partner. I hope it works out for you both

I conceived on purpose at 26. I am now 29 and had my second kid 2 weeks ago. Everyone told me I was very young. I was just married, we had just bought a house, and I really wanted a kid. One friend responded with 'why have you thrown your 20s away?!?!' when I told her I was pregnant. In reality, 23 is pretty young, as was 26 for me. I felt ready as i had travelled a lot, lived and worked on the other side of the planet, and had a masters degree and a secure career job. If you feel like you have lived and experienced what you want to experience before you hit 50, then go for it. But, if you have things left to do, dont rush it. You have lots of time. A baby puts your life, career, travel plans, date nights, ability to put yourself first, on hold for a really long time. Be sure you want it all to be on hold before you go for it.

You’re far too young.

I would agree with pp that a wedding is nice but being married is actually important.
Particularly for women before they become mothers.
Not for romantic reasons but for dull, practical legal reasons that you hopefully will never need but it is an invaluable document in some situations.

Get married first. I guarantee your fiancé (and have you set a date to get married?) will not be the one left with the DC and a weaker pension if and when the relationship goes tits up.
What 'very good jobs' do you both have and what's the childcare plan?

My son's partner could have written this. Their situation is identical. If they asked I'd tell them to wait but know they have no plans to have children until she's at least 30 and they're married.

I had my first at 23. I had been with dp for 6 years at that point, we really wanted a child and we just felt there would never be a 'right time'

After ds was born I went straight back to work after mat leave and worked hard and worked for my professional qualification. I now earn 4 times the salary I did when he was born 7 years ago. I think being younger and having lots more energy really helped me to help stay on track and I dont feel like I have missed out on anything by having a child at that age. We still do all the holidays we would have done but bring him with us.

I had my second at 29 and that was much much harder.

I don't see it as too young if you feel ready. We most definitely were not, too busy working hard and playing hard.

It frustrates me that people assume because of your age they know you're attitude to responsibility and ability to deal with things - one persons 23 is another persons 32.

We had a date to get married - it was booked a year and a half ago. Sadly due to Covid the wedding has been cancelled.
Thank you all for the comments regarding legal
Security, this is a very good point, and one we have discussed. The meaning of marriage is most important for us, and we have often discussed a small wedding with just immediate family as witnesses, when Covid allows.

Get married first. No need to discuss TTC with anyone other than your partner or GP. It’s nobody else’s business.

I was pregnant at 22, it probably was a bit too young for me. I'd not change it now, but I do think I could have made better choices with a bit more life experience. But two kids and 7 years later, we're doing very well and it worked out well.

But here's the thing. That's just me. It has absolutely no baring on you and your husband. If you guys are ready, go for it. I mean no ones totally ready are they?