To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

I don’t think 24 is “too young” especially not as you seem to be sensible in most of the important aspects.
But I would echo what others have said about getting married first. not just for your own security but once you have a family it’s just about impossible to save up for the wedding you want.
Then there’s other issues like who’s going to take care of baby whilst you have your hen party, get dressed have hair done, take vows etc. A honeymoon is much better when it’s just the two of you.

My partner and I decided to start TTC when I was 20, we never told anyone at the time as we didn't feel it was anyone's business and we both knew it was right for us so didn't care what anyone else had to say about it. We were in a good position financially, both worked full time and knew it was right for us. As it happens, it has taken us 2 years to conceive and I'm now 22 and 13+5 weeks pregnant with our first. With how long it has taken I am so glad we decided to start trying when we did. Nothing is guaranteed when TTC regardless of age so if you are both ready now why wait? Ignore anyone else who says otherwise, they can either support you or tell them you're not interested in what they have to say. Do what is right for the two of you!

Best of luck TTC! 🥰

I'm more interested in your you're mortgage free at your age?! Or did you win the lottery or get a huge inheritance or something?! Being nosy because I wish I was in your position!

I don't think you're too young. I started trying at 24 and wasn't anywhere near the position you're in financially. I am glad I have my boys but my big regret is not travelling more before I had them. Now with me part time it's harder financially and until they're older I can't go the places I want to with them. So if I was your age again now and especially in your financial circumstances, I'd travel as much as possible for another year or two first. But that may not be important to you.

It's really nobody's business but yours. Personally I had mine as late as possible after I had a well established career and it still took a hit for a few years.

I know I would never have been able to look after a child when I was so young myself and I would have definitely resented losing all my free time and money.

But on the flip side, the early years with no sleep, total and utter exhaustion I do wonder whether I should have done it when I was younger and had more energy.

Each to their own. Yes I think you are young. Personally I'd not want to give up on my freedom so young, but you're a grown adult capable of making these choices for yourself.

@vimtooo also here for your mortgage free by 23 tips! (although that may require a time machine in my case) How did you manage it?

By all means TTC.

BUT get married first, even just a registry office quickie, and do not give up your career. Shared parental leave and both go part time if necessary (you don't have a mortgage so why the hell not!). Your career could take decades to recover, do not sacrifice it.

I felt the same OP. When I was 25 we started fertility treatment and my manager at the time told me to stop it for a couple of years because I was too young - not in a concerned way but in a ‘I don’t want you leaving work because you’re having a baby’ way.
I had an upsetting time a whole later and she literally said ‘I told you so, you’re too young to deal with the emotions involved’

I got pregnant after a few years and treatment and now have a one year old, my second on the way.
You know what feels right for you, try not to let others upset you.

I don’t think it’s young but I would wonder why you weren’t getting married first (and I’m not being critical towards those who don’t marry, but you are already engaged). I’d probably assume it was an accidental pregnancy.

Some won't agree but my opinion to any young person wanting to have a child is to get your twenties out of the way first

Once you have a child your life will be about the child and not about you. If you want to travel, part, get drunk, just chill out and do nothing for the wkend or even weeks on end you won't be able to do it. Do all of that in your twenties and figure out who you are and what you want first

I had DD at 33 and my DP was 39. We've both travelled a lot, partied a lot, got very, very drunk a lot and whatever else we wanted in our twenties. Now our life is all about DD and our own lives come second. This is the biggest decision of your entire life and the hardest thing you will ever do. There's no rush

No way would I have wanted to try for a baby at that age. Each to their own of course, but I wanted to work hard, play harder and travel at 23. I did and I had the best time. I would never change that.

Oh go for it if it's what you want. I waited to 35 which was right for us, needed to establish careers, wanted to get married and own a house which took time. DD is 2, my parents are 66, I hope we still have plenty of time all together but my god I'd love it if we had another 10 years. Everything is a choice with pros and cons, no one else can tell you what is right for you, if you know you know

In regards to the wedding, we had it booked but sadly cancelled due to Covid, we still want to get married but it isn't as important to us as having a family, which we both want. X

I think it's quite a cultural thing op. I remember the kids at my youth club asking why I hadn't had kids - I was 30. They pretty much assumed o was past it. I had kids at 33 and 38. Most of the school Mom's for the 5 yo are younger than me. By the time my twins go, some of th will be young enough to be my kids. That's fine, but it does affect opinions

Of you've been to Uni or working hard on a career for 5 years could she be worried you'll "waste" it to become a sahp?

23 used to be a perfectly average age to have children. Go for it!

Have the children while you've got loads of energy, then enjoy your fifties!

@vimtooo

In regards to the wedding, we had it booked but sadly cancelled due to Covid, we still want to get married but it isn't as important to us as having a family, which we both want. X

I'd Def just go and get married legally before having kids

@Burnthurst187

Some won't agree but my opinion to any young person wanting to have a child is to get your twenties out of the way first

Once you have a child your life will be about the child and not about you. If you want to travel, part, get drunk, just chill out and do nothing for the wkend or even weeks on end you won't be able to do it. Do all of that in your twenties and figure out who you are and what you want first

I had DD at 33 and my DP was 39. We've both travelled a lot, partied a lot, got very, very drunk a lot and whatever else we wanted in our twenties. Now our life is all about DD and our own lives come second. This is the biggest decision of your entire life and the hardest thing you will ever do. There's no rush

I started partying at 14 so was ready by 23 😂

It’s really no one else’s business. You aren’t teenagers.

I am just amazed you are mortgage free form working at such a young age. I can understand an inheritance, out payingIt off from salary is such short is amazing. I am aiming for fifty and thought that was good for a few hundred thousand😂. I could never had Done that in my twenties, the maths simp,y wouldn’t work.

WhySoSensitive I'm sorry you were treated that way that sounds horrible

Mortgage wise we have worked hard and put almost everything we earned combined, into our mortgage, this wasn't done by us alone of course - but a good chunk of it was. The rest, we came into some money and decided as oppose to going out, that would pay the house off so that we don't have this to worry about going forward, and always have somewhere to call home xx

we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby

the too young comment i wouldnt worry about. I was 23 when I had my first and dont regret it. However oddly I would be a bit disappointed if my DC had children that young and would feel they need more time to live. However this is only the relatives opinion. What would bother me would be her saying you are irresponsible. You dont sound it from what you have written. I would actually ring them and ask for examples and clarification on where you are irresponsible as thats an actual judgement on your character.

By your age i had 3 children.

Ignore them

Why can’t you career build with children?! I went to uni when my second was 3 months, during my course I adopted no3. No4 was adopted during my masters. I got my PhD when my oldest was undergoing chemotherapy. And I have a great career now.

@BlueCheckedTeatowel thank you. I don't know why she made that comment. I've never given her a reason to believe this is the case. She is very traditional and old school in her views and opinions but for the most part we always agree and have never fallen out. (Not saying that traditional views are invalid)

I think maybe she said it out of shock. I'm not sure.

Had my first at 21. I'm now about to turn 29 and I have 4 DC with my husband. We don't own our own house but are hoping to in the next few years. There's no right time to do anything as life can change dramatically at any time. As you are in a great position and want to have children and don't want to travel etc then do it. Just make sure you get married or at least your name is on the deeds to the house.

You've been together ages and own a home. It sounds like you have waited and been sensible. Personally I would wait a bit longer but if you feel really ready and don't mind life changing, go for it. I would ensure i had wills etc sorted and would probably go to register office to marry so legally protected but thats just me. I had IVF and though I dont regret waiting, it took 5 years and even if you have no know issues and are young it can take a while. Nothing is a given. So with hindsight I think starting early isn't always a bad thing if financially secure