To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

Have a baby if that is what you want @vimtooo - no-ones business but your own BUT are you saying that at 23 you saved enough money to pay for a house outright without any assistance?
Where do you live and how did you manage that?

@Sparklingbrook yes I can totally see that, as I say only one person and me and my partner are aware. Always have shared everything with this person, they are very special to me but I can totally see why people wouldn't want to share TTC. I can see why this would cause unnecessary pressure. Xx

Meh we TTCd when I was that age and then had ds and nobody said we were young. Didn't feel young tbh. However we didn't tell anyone until I was already pregnant so maybe that's why people didn't say anything? I don't think so though because as soon as we were married people were asking about babies.

Yanbu. Just because the age to start having dc has increased generally, it doesn't make early 20's too young, even if some people want to pretend that is the case.

I'm 39 with 19yr old dsd and almost 17yr old dd. Personally I really wouldn't like to be at the primary stage, let alone ttc now. But that doesn't mean I think 39 is too old for anyone else, and I certainly don't go around telling people they are very old to be having dc simply because they have different, but equally valid plans about when to have children.

Yes we have our home mortgage free, I will never ever loose touch with life and reality though and will forever be grateful for our position. We both have very good jobs and are extremely fortunate. X

I just wanted to say that while 23 is young I wouldn't say it is too young. The average age for a first baby these days in the UK is 30.

I agree with other posters though. Why are you even telling other people that you are TTC? It isn't anyone elses business. DH and I didn't tell anyone. Just as well though as I started TTC at 24, and DD was born when I was 41.

I had my first at 21. By 25 I was infertile due to illness. ‘What’s the rush?’ is such a disingenuous and patronising thing to say to an adult. There MIGHT BE a rush!
If you want to, ignore people. Whatever age you are people somehow feel they have a right to an opinion.

Your thread title said "people", implying that you've had this opinion from more than one person.

If you tell someone you're TTC (and honestly, people probably don't want or need to hear it), you run the risk of getting the opinion of the person you're telling, and it might be an opinion that you don't like.

Rather like starting this thread, you're going to get opinions that you don't really want to hear.

Personally I think you do sound a bit immature.

Thanks everyone. As I say, only told the one person. They are extremely special to me and I do share everything with this person. I wouldn't want to go through this without them and have shared most of my life with them. But nobody else knows. Just her, and my DP and I. X

Two things from a 45 year old;
When I was growing up we were absolutely expected to go to uni and get career established etc before having kids. All fine, unless you start trying mid 30s and have difficulties;have some lovely friends who are now having to accept kids won't be coming.
Second; mine are 7 and 9. Limited childcare even before covid. Next door neighbours are similar age to us and had their 3 kids in their early 20s. They are off cycling in nice places and camping in exotic spots most weekends outside covid times.

If my girls were to find themselves in your position I would be really pleased for them. Nothing is certain in life and you don't get a report card afterwards saying how you did!

I think it’s insanely young. That you don’t like clubbing, own a house and have friends with children is irrelevant. By your account you’ve been together since you were fifteen. You sound like someone who’s anxious to close down as many of life’s options as possible very young. I’d be asking myself why.

@HardlyEver yes we have been together since I was 15.

I'm 25 and I feel like I'm old having a first baby. I'm the eldest of my siblings and friends for a first. So just tell them to do one?

I had my first baby at 23 and we were also in our own home, though ours was mortgaged, with full time jobs. I was very glad I started early because it took 6 years (and help) to fall pregnant again so I just managed to squeak both kids out in my 20s. I am still with the father and we are still happy 21 years later. The only regret I sort of have is that once we had a baby we never got around to getting married and after all this time it would be weird to do it now.

I’d worry if mine were that young and it was their first serious relationship. I’d want them to have more a drive for a career at that point, the chance to travel, have no commitments etc. No relationship is guaranteed but a first one rarely goes the distance from the ones I’ve seen.

I would have two concerns

1. you got together very young and haven’t had the opportunity to find yourselves as aolo adults. I don’t mean not being able to date around, just knowing who you are as a person. But this is a minor concern and shouldn’t stop you from living your life
2. be sure you have. Good education and career in place before. You need to always be able to support yourself and your children if w writhing goes awry. That doesn’t mean that either of you can’t be a sahp, just be sure you are both always employable . Far too many women fall into the trap of thinking that they don’t need employable skills because they plan to stay home or plan for their job to be secondary.

@vimtooo

Thanks all so far for your help 😌 we just save as much as we possibly can to put aside for our future. Not for anything in particular but we are very savvy with our money and try to make it last 😌 Xx

I'd imagine it's quite easy to save and 'be savvy' if you haven't got a mortgage or rent to pay.

I would wait. Not because you're too young but because once you've had a kid you'll never be responsibility free again. No more lie ins. No more easy holidays. No more fancy meals out. No more parties. No more career building. Not for a long time anyway.

Do you both own the house?

@TwylaSands...
And as an aside, id say if you feel the need to say ‘almost’ a different age, then youre too young
I say I’m almost 40. Does that mean I’m too young to have my kids?

24 would have been completely average for a first child a few decades ago. My mum was 26 and felt old. However I was 27 (unplanned) and felt too young because all the other mums were noticeably older. But it depends where you live as to what the norm is. You already have friends in similar situations so it can’t be that unusual.

Ultimately nothing will prepare you for how you and your life will change post birth. Good and bad. You may wish you’d waited, or you may be super happy you didn’t.

I’d only advise waiting because of Covid. Restrictions on your partner going for scans and the whole labour, no baby support/play groups and risk of losing your jobs if the economy gets worse - benefits no longer cover mortgages.

It's a personal decision and people who give you their opinion will be swayed by their own experience - the ones who say too young will have either had their kids early and regretted it or they waited until they were older and think everyone should do the same.

There are loads of advantages to being a young Mum, and there are advantages to being an older Mum - it's going to be different depending on who you are.

I had my first at 37 - not planned that way, just the way it worked out and it was great that I had plenty of time to really establish a career, do loads of travelling and have lots of fun in my 20s.

However physically, it's a lot harder than if I had been in my 20s - not just the birth but now ten years later. And my Mum passed away 7 years ago so she only got 2 years with her only grandchild, which makes me sad for my DD.

As someone else said you also never know exactly how long it's going to take to have kids once you start trying so there's no magic start date. If you are financially ready and emotionally ready (and only you know that) you are not too young.

Just make sure you have a few plan Bs for job/career options, finances down the road, will you lose touch with current friends if they are not in the same place as you.

Wow @vimtooo - where are you? I am so impressed by that as both DH and I had great jobs at the time of buying our first home and even with the most frugal living we had to take an 80% mortgage.
How did you do it? DH took on a second role two evenings a week and I had a sideline too for extra income.
Tips please.

@liveitwell we pay bills! Just no mortgage payments. X

Ah I can empathise with this a lot, me and DH met at similar ages to you and your partner, and when we got married we were apparently 'too young' (despite having being together far longer than most of our friends now getting married to everyone's joy ). We ended up having kids in our late 20's rather than earlier, but I really think a 23 year old is old enough to know what they want, so I say if it's what you both want go for it. Plus, an advantage to having kids now is that you'll still be pretty young when they leave home. I mean I love my kids very very much but I'm glad that I'll still have a good few years to enjoy life with a little more freedom once they leave home .

I can totally understand your upset at their comment as I was deeply hurt by some of the comments when me and DH got married. People always project their own experiences in their comments. They think you're not ready because they weren't ready at that age (in the same way that I assume you can be ready as I was ready at that age, and like you had 0 interest in nights out etc). Similarly people make awful comments to people who they deem are 'too old' to have kids. People are awful at times and should really just keep their opinions to themselves. Just do what works for you!

[quote OwlBeThere]@TwylaSands...
And as an aside, id say if you feel the need to say ‘almost’ a different age, then youre too young
I say I’m almost 40. Does that mean I’m too young to have my kids?[/quote]
Id be more inclined to say you missed the point.

But you knew that anyway.