To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

[SentientAndCognisant]

I agree, but this middle class tick list of things to define self by its myopic

[Madwife123]

My children were born 10 years apart. I can hand on heart say I was a far better parent to my second child as a result of more life experience and maturity.

I wouldn’t change my first child for the world of course but if I knew then what I know now I would have had her a few years later and allowed myself more time to enjoy my youth.

It’s your choice of course but most people who suggest you are still quite young have the benefit of hindsight and are doing so for your benefit.

[Snoooozzze]

I was 23 when I had DD.

Yes it's young but so what? If it's what you and your partner want then who is anyone else to say you are wrong.

TBH I was expecting to read that you were 16 or something but you are a grown woman. Don't worry about what others have to say on the matter.

Good luck!

[Rubyupbeat]

Of course its not too young, if it's the right time for you. I was 21 and 23, my husband 20 and 22. I wanted to have a baby, like you, we owned a house, both had good jobs etc...plus we explicably did NOT want to be older parents.
Please go with what you want, you both sound sensible and settled, good luck.

[Rubyupbeat]

Oh and having them 'young' never held us all back. We've travelled with them, lived in 4 different countries, Both of us got our degrees and PhDs, they came to music festivals.... etc... and went to private schools, so don't knock young parents, they can be amazing.

[Ineedaduvetday]

Tbh, I'd say you're too young because won't marry before you have children and protect yourself. A foolish move in my opinion.

[NellWilsonsWhiteHair]

@SentientAndCognisant

I agree, but this middle class tick list of things to define self by its myopic

Yes!

I had my first at 24 OP. Much younger than someone women I know, much older than others. I did quite a few things out of order (I am so envious of you being mortgage free already!!), which clearly isn’t going to be true for you, but it was fine and worked for us - he came to my first graduation, he was in primary school when I bought my first home; I’ve lived and grown alongside him, it’s not essential to do that beforehand.

I had my second at 30, and I was definitely more patient and emotionally mature by then, but what’s age and what’s practice? I was also physically more tired out by then and less able to bounce out of bed after a v broken night to chase a toddler around all day, but likewise - what’s age and what’s cumulative exhaustion?

Very, very occasionally, I feel wistful about the sort of life I might have now, in my early thirties, if I hadn’t had either of them. All of the travel stuff (which at 23 I just didn’t know people who did that, whereas now I do - and I earn more than I ever expected to), and the sleep and the uninterrupted selfishness, the realisation that even when they grow up this work of motherhood is not going to be ‘finished’... but I will do all that in my (late, because of DC2 at 30!) forties and beyond. I think it’s really unfair and stupid when people who have children tell those who are planning them to ‘enjoy’ all of these things. Aside from the fact that not everyone wants those things, the context of having the fulfilment of parenthood and occasionally yearning for freedom is completely different to having the freedom of no-kids-yet.

Plus, as parents we should know that the benefit of our own hindsight is rarely significant to others - every time my 8yo chooses to learn through trying/failing rather than just take my advice, I’m reminded of that. Can’t imagine a broody stranger is going to follow my ‘don’t do as I do, do as I say’ wisdom any more than he does!

[blowinahoolie]

It is the commitment of marriage that's important, not a wedding day itself. Can't understand folk getting into debt for one day, or even just using savings for a wedding to be elaborate and a "dream".

Registry office is perfect, done and dusted in 10 minutes.

[Lweji]

So many experiences they could be having that realistically can’t be done once you have kids and then aren’t really feasible once kids have grown up and left.

Like what?

The only experiences I've missed on were quite literally when DS was a little baby, and it was my choice not to stay away from him for more than a few days at a time.

[hopingforonlychild]

@blowinahoolie I did the registry office thing but now have to actually do the celebration 5 years on. Cos DH's mum is traditional and doesn't see us as married without the religious aspect! Plus I converted and being married religiously does mean something to me. And cos i am having the religious ceremony in London (simple affair with afternoon tea after the ceremony), I need to have something for the folks in my home country so they don't feel left out. Unfortunately, my home country is a place where practically everyoone gets married with a 8 course banquet dinner for 300 people (its not as bad as it sounds as its a cultural imperative for the guests to give large angpows/money gifts to cover the costs; all my cousins actually made a profit on their weddings), I am hosting a banquet lunch at a 5 star hotel for 50 of my relatives. My father actually said that he guarantees a profit for my wedding, i have no idea how he is going to manage that, but hey I am still not relying on that and do have the money for it.

Both events are costing me £10k altogether. Which was why I had to leave it until I bought my london flat so at least we are settled before spending this money.

For many cultures, the wedding is important.

All on hold cos of Covid.

[Temporary1234]

Please don’t listen to anyone Trying to put your opinion down to validate their own decision to wait..

There is no right or wrong. You are in a very lucky place that many people can’t afford to be.

I started TTc at 24 and it took until 28 to have my first.

It is a big responsibility but you seem more than you for it.. if you already know what to expect and done your reading, then enjoy it..

Just don’t go into it blindly because that huge responsibility isn’t fun for everyone and you might want to choose something that’s a bit fun at your age.

To me, having children is my fun. and if time comes back, I would have them earlier than 28.

There is sufficient amount of support for mums around and having them early means you can focus on your kids without the added burden of worrying about things that come with age (second child before clock ticks? Health? Liew energy? Relationship dilemmas).

You don’t have the worries that come with young age, (saving up, studying, progressing your career) as you seem to be already on the right track.

Go for it

[Storyoftonight]

@TwylaSands

Get married first.

Do not give up your career or pension contributions at 23. These are the years that count the most to your pension contributions.

And as an aside, id say if you feel the need to say ‘almost’ a different age, then youre too young.

Not necessarily. OP could be 24 next week.

I say I'm nearly whatever age I am , because I am.

[vimtooo]

I've not once said I don't want to get married, as I said - the wedding was cancelled but we still want to get married!

[Ohalrightthen]

@vimtooo

I've not once said I don't want to get married, as I said - the wedding was cancelled but we still want to get married!

You need to prioritise that over TTC.

[Neron]

Moot.

But wait for what? Op feels ready now. They have travelled. They have a home.

Friends drift away at times. That’s life. Good ones will re-connect again later.

I'm dyslexic Mmn654123. I get muddled with words sometimes. Thanks for the correction

The point of my response was that no, the single person OP told was not jealous. They are allowed an opinion.

As I also said, this is MOOT. OP is clear in her answers on this thread, and is going ahead with TTC anyway. All this thread has achieved is going from only 1 comment in RL, to a thread on the Internet where other people have said yes you're too young. None of it matters though.

[vimtooo]

Of course I'm still going to go ahead with TTC. We have decided that this is what we want.. the thread wasn't to ask if we should try to conceive or not; it was to ask if I'm being unreasonable to be frustrated that this person has said what they have.
Marriage will come, we are very much wanting to get married.

[Neron]

That was my point OP. You had 1 person in RL say it. Now you have a whole thread about it, with more people saying yes you are. Add in answering about your financial situ and marriage etc.

[LolaSmiles]

Having a wedding and getting married are two different things OP.
I don't think you're too young to TTC but do have reservations about anyone potentially making big decisions that affect their long term prospects without thinking about boring practical things.

A look through threads here shows you won't be the first to have a wedding delayed (for various reasons), but if you make decisions based on getting married one day then you could also find yourself not being the first person to sacrifice your pension, go part time, sacrifice your earning potential long term, end up doing the bulk of the home things and facilitating a man's career. It wouldn't be the first time that with kids already there thay marriage becomes 'just a piece of paper' or something that gets kicked into the long grass with reasons why it can't happen. At that point it wouldn't be the first time a woman finds herself stuck financially with her contributions to the household not legally recognised.

If you are going to TTC then it would be prudent to ensure you keep your own financial security in good order.

[olivesnutsandcheese]

If you haven't been able to get married then please do this before ttc. Then once married please go on a massive holiday, a trip of a lifetime, covid permitting. Then get cracking and have babies if you want

[Ohalrightthen]

You really need to get married before you have a baby, OP. Lots of people have said this and you're ignoring us. Have a registry office quickie with a witness off the street, and then have a wedding at a later date.

[LolaSmiles]

Ohalrightthen
It's always the way on this topic.

Too many people think it won't happen to them, that their DP is a good'un, that the wedding will definitely happen 'when we have more money, when we have another child, when we can afford a better venue...'and then they don't need the legal contract of marriage because it is 'just a piece of paper', 'we already have children which is the biggest commitment', and 'we don't need a party to prove we love each other'. Throw in some 'my friend got divorced after 2 years and we are still strong after 6' for good measure. For some all will work out. For others they find themselves trapped or financially dependent on a man with their long term security limited when it goes wrong.

I don't think everyone should get married before having children, but I think it's a foolish person who doesn't seriously consider the legal implications of their choice either way.

[Ohalrightthen]

@lolasmiles it makes me want to tear my hair out! I'm not much older than OP but this topic makes me sound/feel like a bitter old lady telling the young things not to be so naive.

[LolaSmiles]

Ohalrightthen
I hear you.
People should make whatever decisions are right for them, just make sure they're informed decisions so that in years to come there isn't another thread where someone argues that those who choose to long term cohabit and refrain from marriage should lose the ability to remain legally separate because (having been bitten) they now think legal elements of marriage should automatically be given to anyone who lives together.

[Lweji]

You already own a home together. I hope it's in both your names.
Do you earn as much or more than him?
Do you want to keep working after babies?
Is he someone who already shoulders the responsibility of the home, and cares for you when you need?

If you can say yes to all of the above, then you really don't need to get married. Although things can change, and many men do.

But if any is a no, or not really, then you definitely should get married before even TTC.

[vimtooo]

I literally haven't ignored anybody or said I'm not going to get married. I'm not natives in thinking that I'm exempt from the worst potentially happening, I know I'm not living in a fairytale. We are looking to get married! We want to and have wanted to right up until the wedding was cancelled, that hasn't changed. X