To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

[sparklewhynot]

I was obviously a young mum then . I was 23 with my first, 27 with my second. I like that I will soon not have to worry about leaving them alone for 10 minutes (I can leave my 12yo but not my 8). That I'll be able to go out without worrying about sitters. That I'll have "my life" back while I'm still young myself to enjoy it. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mum and I'm not in a rush to see any of my mum duties disappear, but mum stresses along with working full time can be draining at times! I'm lucky that my 12yo is very independent and can do much for herself, whereas my 8yo still loves her cuddles, bath time and bedtime stories. One grew up much quicker than the other seems to be, which I love.

[Yeahnahmum]

You are super young yes
And i think you agree with it too considering you have told only 1 person in your life that you are ttc op.

Maybe considering you have no mortgage etc wait a bit. Live a bit.travel (when possible again) a baby changes everything. Especially at your age id say

[Lexilooo]

@hells456 why would it be weird to get married now?


I know a couple who got married in their 50s after 20 years together, no one thought it was weird, everyone thought it was lovely, especially the grown up kids and geriatric parents.


Go for it!

[Melabells]

There is no "right " age to ttc. Do what is right for you and your fiancé. As long as you have discussed all the logistics like childcare after baby arrives. Going back to work plans, how you want to raise your child etc then go for it. My husband and I are "young parents" we had issues ttc took us three years. We have a son who is 6 a son who is 4 and a daughter aged 8 months. All loved and living in a stable home. My husband and I are both 29. And now we can look forward to our 30s where we can enjoy our older children and by time we are in our 40s the kids should be off to uni/ high school so we can aim to travel more just us two etc. Don't get me wrong it's bloody hard work but we take it a day at a time. I love being a mum and have lots of love to give. Xxxx

[jasmin93]

The first few comments are not helpful at all.
You are young and ready for it. So DO IT!
What is the perfect age to start ttc? Rubbish! Everyone is different.

[ginnybag]

I wouldn't be trying to conceive until we're clear of all this nonsense and the NHS is back up and running 'properly', but are you too young?

Nope.

You have a stable home, clearly a good handle on priorities, clear goals. There's not a thing wrong with wanting to have your children in your twenties. It has a lot of advantages, too. You'd be barely fifty by the time your kids were your age - loads of time to travel etc then.

[thecakebadge]

A recent example of the threads people are referring to: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4087622-Help-not-married-2-kids-possibly-separating

At least the OP on that thread does own the house 50:50 but after having kids your earnings often do take a big hit due to mat leave or going part time whereas the OH carries on, onwards and upwards, earning more and getting promotions etc.

[Oreservoir]

My dm was a midwife. She would say biologically and emotionally combined you're the perfect age.
Many women wait because they settle later, want to establish a career and get a home together.
You have a home, a job and have already settled down.
As long as you don't give up your own career and pension then you will hopefully hit your late 40's in a position to have great childfree holidays with your partner.
Remember 40 years ago you were the normal age for starting a family.

[AllesAusLiebe]

I'm going to add something a little different. DH and I started trying when I was 29, having been married for 2 years and together for a long time.

I'd studied, travelled and partied pretty hard by this time and enjoyed my life.

After 3 losses and a cycle of ivf, finally, I gave birth at 34.

Yes, you're young op, but I'd be wary of listening to people who tell you to wait. You never know how long this process takes and if you feel ready now, I'd say go for it. The world will still be there for you to see after you've had your family.

[Mmn654123]

@vimtooo
You could always have a quiet registry office wedding ASAP and then have a big event after covid - with a church blessing if you are so inclined. My parents did that for various reasons and they never told most guests that they were already married! It looked like a typical wedding but they didn’t need to sign the register.

As you have seen by this thread, jealousy is motivating many responders. Take the gifts given by those you have lost and use the benefits they have brought you wisely. You have choices others don’t have.

[blowinahoolie]

Definitely think of legal implications of not being married if you have a baby in the near future....no one knows what is around the corner and it is best to always think worst case scenario. I got married for this reason.

[LolaSmiles]

Wheresmykimchi
People saying she is too young is out of order and of course nobody sensible would say to make the decision to TTC based on random strangers.

People advising that very practical things are thought through are being reasonable because there's thread after thread where women haven't thought it all through find themselves stuck later and wanting other women's rights to remain legally separate eroded purely because others haven't thought it through. If someone makes an informed choice either way then all power to them because they've thought about it

[vimtooo]

@Shastabeast thank you, yes this is something I need to think about, too. On the other hand it's hard to know when Covid is going to be over with (providing it ever will be) xx

[Shastabeast]

I’d suggest waiting until after covid has passed. Lots of mums have mentioned how lonely it has been and a waste of maternity leave. Plus your OH won’t be able to go to scans etc. And parents may not be able to help if you need a nap or shower between feeds etc.

Otherwise ignore everyone else. Mothers are always wrong no matter what. People judge for all sorts of reasons. And they can’t imagine being different or wanting different things in life. I wouldn’t want it at your age, but it’s not about me or MN in general, it’s about you.

[vimtooo]

@Spidey66 thank you! 💓

[Spidey66]

My mum had 3 by that age, but it was different in the 60s. Do what feels right for you.

[vimtooo]

I can see the concerns and I can appreciate the concern about getting married first for legal protection. I do understand this and see where you are coming from (those who have said this)

I am weighing it all up currently. Sadly I couldn't just go out and get married tomorrow for instance, I still have life commitments that come first but marriage is certainly on the cards for us and something we both would like in the very near future. I will be looking into the idea of a wedding during Covid but since we have lots of family that are dear to us; I would like them to be present too.. not sure how possible this is right now.

We are still TTC. We have been for 5/6 months now. Like some others have said, life can be short and you never know what is around the corner. I wouldn't want to jeopardise the chance to have children in the future, when I know this is what we want and can accommodate now.

We have sadly suffered a loss already and can appreciate how hard this journey is, and how long it can take, too. So for all we know this could be a journey we are on, for a long time. But we are happy with our decision and with our lives together and that's all that matters. ❤️

[Wheresmykimchi]

The arrogance on this thread. OP does not need to make life changing decisions because she has been told to by some stranger on the internet !

[vimtooo]

@Lweji yes, I can answer a confident yes to those questions ☺️

I can completely see where everybody is coming from and I really do appreciate the comments and views. X

[Lweji]

You can get married any time now.

[vimtooo]

I literally haven't ignored anybody or said I'm not going to get married. I'm not natives in thinking that I'm exempt from the worst potentially happening, I know I'm not living in a fairytale. We are looking to get married! We want to and have wanted to right up until the wedding was cancelled, that hasn't changed. X

[Lweji]

You already own a home together. I hope it's in both your names.
Do you earn as much or more than him?
Do you want to keep working after babies?
Is he someone who already shoulders the responsibility of the home, and cares for you when you need?

If you can say yes to all of the above, then you really don't need to get married. Although things can change, and many men do.

But if any is a no, or not really, then you definitely should get married before even TTC.

[LolaSmiles]

Ohalrightthen
I hear you.
People should make whatever decisions are right for them, just make sure they're informed decisions so that in years to come there isn't another thread where someone argues that those who choose to long term cohabit and refrain from marriage should lose the ability to remain legally separate because (having been bitten) they now think legal elements of marriage should automatically be given to anyone who lives together.

[Ohalrightthen]

@lolasmiles it makes me want to tear my hair out! I'm not much older than OP but this topic makes me sound/feel like a bitter old lady telling the young things not to be so naive.

[LolaSmiles]

Ohalrightthen
It's always the way on this topic.

Too many people think it won't happen to them, that their DP is a good'un, that the wedding will definitely happen 'when we have more money, when we have another child, when we can afford a better venue...'and then they don't need the legal contract of marriage because it is 'just a piece of paper', 'we already have children which is the biggest commitment', and 'we don't need a party to prove we love each other'. Throw in some 'my friend got divorced after 2 years and we are still strong after 6' for good measure. For some all will work out. For others they find themselves trapped or financially dependent on a man with their long term security limited when it goes wrong.

I don't think everyone should get married before having children, but I think it's a foolish person who doesn't seriously consider the legal implications of their choice either way.