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Original poster

To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

545 replies

vimtooo · 20/11/2020 19:10

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 21/11/2020 17:21

Makes me remember a line in a Fay Weldon book “life is for living not just passing on”

Tinkerbellflowers · 21/11/2020 17:27

I had mine at 19. I so recommend having kids young. He is a grown up now and we are best of friends. 😊

DoTheNextRightThing · 21/11/2020 17:27

Can't believe people are calling OP immature. She’s 23 not 12.

OP, I'm 25 and to be honest I can't imagine having kids at this age - but I don’t want them. I have loads of friends my age and younger who have children and are incredibly happy. 23 is not too young at all. Do what is best for you and ignore everyone else.

Alonelonelyloner · 21/11/2020 19:42

I had my first at 23 and although I have done so much and achieved so much I do know that life would've been so much easier had I not.
They are an adult now and it's history of course but it's exhausting in ways that cannot even be described.
That said physically it's absolutely the best time to have kids so I'm that respect you should go for it, plus you've already spent lots of 'alone time' with your partner so that's not a concern. And frankly you're happy with your lot, which is all that counts isn't it.

Lelophants · 21/11/2020 19:45

Why not save up and have the dream wedding where you can do everything fun? Once a baby is here, in the nicest way possible, you will never want to put money towards the kind of wedding you can now. Life is literally never the same again. But you can always have a baby later. You're in a great position!

LolaSmiles · 21/11/2020 19:56

You're younger than average but not that young.

The main thing is to make sure you have your head screwed on regarding your finances, (eg I'd be very wary of giving up your earning potential or going part time 'because it just makes sense as he earns more' / doing anything that will affect your pensions).

Whilst your DP is probably lovely, there are lots of threads on here where marriage gets postponed, children come along and suddenly the man (still lovely in the relationship) decides to drag his heels, the excuses come and because he is still sweet to his DP, she goes along with it, or there's an open ended engagement and as time goes on she finds herself financially dependent on a man who can walk away at any time. In other words, once some guys realise they can get the wife/mother without making the legal commitment many women get shafted but only see it once it happens because before they would insist that it would never happen to them.
As long as you account for this then good luck to you and enjoy.

Ginfordinner · 21/11/2020 20:02

Why not save up and have the dream wedding where you can do everything fun?

Why does a wedding have to be a "dream wedding"?

I have never understood why people aspire to this. Everyone wants an uneventful, happy occasion, but it doesn't have to be a "dream wedding"

What even is a "dream wedding£?

Bollss · 21/11/2020 20:04

@Lelophants

Why not save up and have the dream wedding where you can do everything fun? Once a baby is here, in the nicest way possible, you will never want to put money towards the kind of wedding you can now. Life is literally never the same again. But you can always have a baby later. You're in a great position!
Why though??
BecomeStronger · 21/11/2020 20:08

@Ginfordinner

Why not save up and have the dream wedding where you can do everything fun?

Why does a wedding have to be a "dream wedding"?

I have never understood why people aspire to this. Everyone wants an uneventful, happy occasion, but it doesn't have to be a "dream wedding"

What even is a "dream wedding£?

OMG that's the worst idea ever. I had a fairly modest wedding but 30 years on, if I had my item over I'd rather give the money to charity (it I had to blow.it in one day) than make that ridiculous spectacle again.

I do think OP should marry before having a child but dream weddings seem so pointless and ridiculous to me, especially if it's not even the B&G's dream.

SentientAndCognisant · 21/11/2020 20:32

This Thread is peppered with aspirant middle class to do list as if it’s a universal
I’ve not back packed, or been round world or had a mad bender before i had children
It’s not mandatory to do so. The absence of these events in An itinerary doesn’t mean one had an impoverished life experience

Ginfordinner · 21/11/2020 20:35

Well said @SentientAndCognisant

SentientAndCognisant · 21/11/2020 20:38

Have a modest wedding,be prudent with your money,it doesn’t require ££££
Don’t get suckered into the dweam day must be perfect nonsense

TrainspottingWelsh · 21/11/2020 20:52

It reads to me more like a universal to do list for those whom aspire to be middle class, and believe its completion will/has awarded the social status they believe they portray. Like a modern alternative to new money.

umberellaonesie · 21/11/2020 20:53

I have been with my husband since we were 15. Have our own house, and good jobs and 3 children before we were 30.
My eldest is leaving home in April. We are at a very different stage to our friends who have young children and the restrictions that brings. We have a lot of freedom financially and time wise compared to them. Having children young was important to my husband as his dad was older and felt he missed out on a lot with his dad cos of work commitments and health issues. He died a year after he retired.
There is never a good time to have a baby, it is pretty life changing and all consuming so if it feels right for you it probably is.

Stillnotgotdressed · 21/11/2020 22:05

You are not being unreasonable and you are certainly not 'Babies'! I had one child at 23 and another 18 months later. I have never regretted it, I have been married to their dad for almost 40 years and I have a great relationship with my children and their families. One really positive thing about being young(ish) parents is that you are likely to have them in your life much longer and when they are adults you should have many years of being a couple again at time of greater financial freedom. Good Luck!

MsF1t · 21/11/2020 22:08

My sister had her youngest at your age. I had mine in my late 30s. Honestly, sometimes I wish I had met the right person or been in the right place when I was younger and had more energy, and that I would have more years to be in my kids' lives. Of course, there are some pluses too, but I would never side eye a young mum because of her age. (And plenty people I know had kids in their teens, too, so 23 is not ridiculous at all.)

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/11/2020 23:59

@SentientAndCognisant

This Thread is peppered with aspirant middle class to do list as if it’s a universal I’ve not back packed, or been round world or had a mad bender before i had children It’s not mandatory to do so. The absence of these events in An itinerary doesn’t mean one had an impoverished life experience
I think having a few years just to enjoy themselves and their money, have a dream wedding, and basically have fun is good. She’s only 23 - delaying a year or two would still make her a young mum but one who has spent a bit more time working on her own interests and enjoyment. I don’t think anyone is telling her to go on a backpacking holiday!
GrumpyHoonMain · 22/11/2020 00:04

@Ginfordinner

Why not save up and have the dream wedding where you can do everything fun?

Why does a wedding have to be a "dream wedding"?

I have never understood why people aspire to this. Everyone wants an uneventful, happy occasion, but it doesn't have to be a "dream wedding"

What even is a "dream wedding£?

I say this as someone who had their dream wedding and who, like OP, was financially well off enough to make it happen. It was beautiful. The memories from that time were beautiful. I have heirloom jewellry and zari / silk sarees bought for me that I’ll be able to pass down. Things that bring you joy shouldn’t immediately be criticised or written off otherwise what’s the point of being alive? And if someone has that attitude the freedom from having adult kids at 40-60 is wasted anyway because they don’t know what it’s like to have fun anyway and would just end up being a middle aged moaner on holiday
berrygirlie · 22/11/2020 01:24

I don’t think anyone is telling her to go on a backpacking holiday!

Er I think quite a few posters are, actually! Grin

SentientAndCognisant · 22/11/2020 01:50

Err I’ll think you’ll find travel & backpacking is recommended

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/11/2020 02:37

@SentientAndCognisant

This Thread is peppered with aspirant middle class to do list as if it’s a universal I’ve not back packed, or been round world or had a mad bender before i had children It’s not mandatory to do so. The absence of these events in An itinerary doesn’t mean one had an impoverished life experience
Maybe those things shouldn't be 'middle class'. My parents and PIL valued travel, all four of them were brought up in poor homes, single parent in the case of my mum and dad; both had single mums. In the 1940/50s.

And I would argue that travelling isn't mandatory for a rich life, but it does help. We went camping in France as children. Shitty, cheap holidays but it does broaden the mind. Even a damp tent in a fir forest in Brittany.

Besides, the OP is richer than me. Owns her home, savings and travel already.

HoppingPavlova · 22/11/2020 02:41

If my kids said they wanted kids at this age (and some are that age) I’d be very sad for them. So many experiences they could be having that realistically can’t be done once you have kids and then aren’t really feasible once kids have grown up and left. They are adults and I wouldn’t tell them what to do but god I’d be disappointed.

SentientAndCognisant · 22/11/2020 02:44

So far I’ve had an enriched life,without extensive travel.never went abroad with parents
Childhood Holidays were UK and a rented caravan on coast

berrygirlie · 22/11/2020 02:46

They are adults and I wouldn’t tell them what to do but god I’d be disappointed.
I think I'd actually be more worried about ket-fuelled orgies and chlamydia on the opposite end of the spectrum, but yes you're right a planned and supported child would be deeply disappointing. Confused

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/11/2020 02:50

@SentientAndCognisant

So far I’ve had an enriched life,without extensive travel.never went abroad with parents Childhood Holidays were UK and a rented caravan on coast
And I've lived in three countries and travelled in 40 more. Horses for courses. Some people are happy living in the same street as their mum. Truly happy. I'm not.

It's worth a think about it, considering the OP has lots of advantages she can use for whatever she wants.

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