To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

*I take that to mean...

Vimtoo, not really sure why people are picking up on the fact that you have your own place at an early age - it's not unheard of, and obviously you're in this position due to hard work and devastating loss, which can hardly be termed 'good luck'.

As to whether you're too young to be trying for a baby, well, only you can answer that. I understand completely the not wanting to go clubbing etc - I was very similar in my twenties, however, if you have a child next year at 25/26 and say another in a couple of years at 27/28, that's your children being your priority for the next 20 years at least - you need to be prepared for the huge changes having children will bring. If you're sure that there's nothing you and your DP want to do that would be easier, cheaper and more pleasurable without small children in the mix, then do it first (eg DH and I took a year off and travelled extensively in Europe - one of the absolute best experiences of my life, cemented our relationship and would have been impossible with small children in tow.)

Otherwise, get married first. Other people have encouraged this and it is really important for all sorts of legal reasons.

I commented way back, saying I wished we had started earlier. I stand by it. We weren't mortgage free. I honestly think the more you reply now, the worse it will get. Certain topics attract certain people. There will be a boatload of people who saw your post, shrugged, thought "do what you want" and didn't even comment. You're being goaded at this point. If people can't be arsed to read the full thread, it's not your job to address them individually. Go, be happy, do what you want!

@vimtooo

Only told this family member we are TTC as she's been an extremely close - almost mother figure to me my entire life. We are very close and talk about everything. Nobody else knows about this other than my partner and I. Absolutely not going around and shouting this from the rooftops! 🥴

It’s entirely up to you who you tell, if you want to tell the world that’s you choice, no one has a right to tell you what you can or can’t share, you don’t need to justify yourself!

Everybody has a different opinion on what the right age is. It’s up to you OP! You will be the one to get up in the night with a newborn, go on Mat leave and have to juggle more so than your partner. There’s pros and cons to everything. You sound like your in a very good position. Good luck.

Why do loads of people say to have fun before kids? Haven’t you had that since you had kids? 😔

Kids are hard, toddlers are extremely exhausting. Tweens and early teens are infuriating. But that doesn’t stop you having fun.

Jesus people can be so rude. Ignore them. You know when the right time is for you, and if that’s now then go for it ☺️ I know plenty of people who had babies around the age of 20 who are fantastic parents and don’t regret a thing!! Please don’t take their comments to heart, age is just a number

I feel that people are judging you by their own values. Some people want to drink and party and have lots of relationships before they settle down and start a family, and thats OK.

Some people meet their life partner early on in life and want to settle down and start a family while they are young, and that's OK as well.

Some people are concerned that by meeting your partner so young that you might wonder what you have missed out on later in life or might get bored with him when you are older. That's OK as well.

I also get the impression that there is a hint of jealousy from some people. And that isn't OK.

Good luck with TTCing anyway.

Do what feels right. We had our first dc when I was 23 - my husband is 7 years older than me though. It didn't feel too young to me at all. You aren't a teenager! We have had 2 more dc since then - one when I was 26 and one when I was 35. Pregnancy seemed harder when I was older and it's lovely having lots of energy when you are in your twenties. You sound very mature - just ignore that silly comment.

The time to have a child is when you feel ready . Mortgage free you lucky things . Unless you legally own the house and are the higher earner ( and possibly even if you are ) marry him first .

Some of these comments are just SO patronising! For goodness sake. There has to be space for people prioritising different things in their lives. The world would be extremely boring if we were all the same. X

Thirty years ago, no one would have batted an eyelid!

I don't think it’s that young. We had our eldest at 23 and had been married and TTC for two years before he was born.

It's not necessarily too young but personally I would be making the most of being young, mortgage free etc. I'd be travelling, going to festivals and gigs, socialising and enjoying being free. I'm late 30s and thought I knew how much life would change when I had a baby and I underestimated it. I'm glad I had 15 years of fun first. But that's me and I don't know what you enjoy and want to do. I would say getting married first would be wise in terms of legal protection.

I'd be travelling, going to festivals and gigs, socialising and enjoying being free

1. None of these have even been available since March
2. There is no guarantee that any of these will become possible in the coming year
3. Not everybody wants to go to gigs and festivals
4. The OP has done a lot of travelling already

I was 30 when I had my first.
I really wish I had started younger.
Having children didnt stop me going out with friends, having fabulous holidays, some as a family. Some with friends and others with DH. I still go to festivals ( gutted there's been no Download this year 😢)I have worked all the way through.
I would have had another child but I had ds2 at 35. The issue wasn't so much my age at conceiving but the age I would be when the child was independent. I didn't want to have a dependent when I was in my 50s.
I had a mortgage that was easily manageable when I was 20 and met my Dh soon after. I put off having a baby because people said I was too young.
I wish I'd listened to myself!

Yanbu. 24 is the perfect age to have a child (assuming you can afford it which you can). Until my generation (I’m 40s) 24 was also the average age for a woman to have a first child in UK. So you are just doing what women have done for millions of years until literally a generation or 2 ago.

Having a parent in their twenties must be wonderful for the child. The energy!

I was early thirties. Managed one child but unfortunately then stopped ovulating due to age. All those stories about how some people have babies late never tell you many can’t. Every mother in her late thirties I know has tried to have another and found her body wouldn’t do it. I wish I’d ttc’d when I was 23.

Freedom is good in your forties as well. I had kids at 33 &36 so now at 50 i still have teens i cant leave alone. Single parent.

Sometimes i wish id had them a bit younger tbh.

I cant wait for the freedom i will have in my 50s because i will savour it so much!!

Ps i think you savour freedom more when your kids are independent. In my 20s i was free but it never felt that great. I will get more out of freedom psychologically i mean in my 50s with older teens / kids in their 20s

Get married first. If either of you is uncertain about making that level of commitment you should not be TTC.

If it feels right for you as a couple, then it's right. You seem responsible enough.
I suspect the person still sees you as a baby.

I'd just agree that it will be a good idea to get married first, if it's something you want to do at some point. Definitely if you ever consider becoming a SAHM. But if you don't plan on leaving paid work, then it's less important.

@OwlOne

Ps i think you savour freedom more when your kids are independent. In my 20s i was free but it never felt that great. I will get more out of freedom psychologically i mean in my 50s with older teens / kids in their 20s

Hmm. I'm not sure I agree with you. DD is at university. I know she is happily enconced in a house share with friends, but once you have children, no matter how old they are, there is always a little nagging worry at the back of your mind that they are OK.

I had DD late in life, not through choice, but when I think back I realise how much more mental freedom I had pre motherhood.

My Late MIL used to say that you never stop worrying about how children, and she is right.

Whether getting married offers protection or makes you more vulnerable depends on your specific circumstances. I'd have been better off unmarried as it turns out. But that's not the question here. 23 is not too young at all if you have discussed it, thought it through and have the means to support the child. Which it sounds like you have.

@Aethelthryth we aren't concerned about that commitment whatsoever! We are extremely happily engaged and had our wedding completely planned out and booked before Covid sadly ruined the plans.
We are still looking to get married

nah, I had 3 by the time I was 25