To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

Honestly, you sound incredibly mature, and like you know what you want from your lives.

I always wanted to be a younger mum. If you think about it, when your baby is 18 (if you give birth at 24) you will only be 42. Even if you have more kids, you'll still most likely be younger than 50 by the time all are grown. This gives you an amazing chance to live AFTER you've had a family.

My gran had never left the country before she was 50 as she had her kids very very young (married at 19), but she's travelled the world since.

I'm not saying definitely go for it - and I would want to be married first - but I'm saying there are also lots of benefits to having your kids young.

@OwlOne

Ps i think you savour freedom more when your kids are independent. In my 20s i was free but it never felt that great. I will get more out of freedom psychologically i mean in my 50s with older teens / kids in their 20s

My mum says the opposite. She started having kids in her early twenties and wishes she waited a bit because the freedom she thought she’d get in her late 40s/50s was hampered by age related illnesses and my gran’s decline.

Everyone is different. The thought of having children in my 20s horrified me. I still felt like a child may self despite having a professional career, my own business and a home owner by mid twenties.
I think there is a very strong biological urge to become a mum in late teens/early 20s which fades. I really enjoyed the freedom I had in my 20s but I do have a very spontaneous personality and never really plan much. DH and I met in our late 20s had a few years developing a deep mutual bond which cemented our relationship through the children years. I can honestly say that the first year of parenting tested our relationship to it’s very limits we were both late thirties and had naturally slowed down socially.
The early years of parenting are probably the easiest re continuing with a social life. The teen years are the worst. The sheer logistics of teenagers is like coordinating a royal wedding every week. Lockdown has been bliss with no sports or activities.
People will always give you their opinion but you learn only by your own decisions and actions. A good way to determine if your really ready for 24/7 for the next 20years is to look after a couple of young children preferably a 2yr old and a 4 yr old for a weekend. This would give you a taster of what’s ahead and whether you are really ready to give up your current lifestyle.

*You’re

I don't think you're too young, I fell pregnant with my dd at 24 and I certainly don't feel like a young mum.
However I would recommend waiting out all of this with covid 19. Enjoy the last of your engaged time, and then when all this is over you can truly enjoy being pregnant. Having your fiancé at appointments and scans, going shopping for baby stuff and being able to properly mooch around shops.

People have been asking about the property as it is relevant.

For so many, the idea of having dc at 23/24 is not that great, because they haven't been able to buy anywhere, and, if they have dc at this point, probably won't be able to for a long long time, and will end up paying hundreds of thousands off someone else's mortgage.
Then the "how have you managed to own - mortgage free - a house so young" questions are also relevant as it makes a difference to choices.
If it is because you have sadly lost your parents and inheirted, but you are actuallly a supermarket worker or maybe a cleaner on minimum wage, then that is a different scenario from if you are a hedge fund manager pulling in hundreds of thousands a year, every year. Or if one of you is a Premiership Footballer or an in vogue pop star, earning millions.
It is none of my business whatever the answers are to any of these questions, but it effects my thinking, in terms of 'what makes sense' in terms of starting a family at this stage in life. Which is what the OP posted on the internet to ask.

OP, I've only read your comments on the thread but can see from them that you've had to defend your lifestyle/situation quite a lot for some strange reason. Very strange, can't work out why it would matter how you got your mortgage paid off?!
To me you sound as if you have your heads screwed on and you clearly both want it so would go for it. Sorry for your previous loss

Blimey is it really considered too young? I don't think it is if circumstances allow and was very common when I had my children in the late 80's. I had my first on my 24th birthday after being married for 3 years and had my second less than 2 years later. I was young and full of energy and I don't regret it for a moment.

It's a choice. Either have them earlier in life and be relatively young when you've done your child rearing or do it the other way round and be an older parent. Nothing wrong with either decision.

I think doing things later stands you in better stead. There's probably a greater likelihood of cheating if you marry your teenage partner because grass is greener mentality strikes me as pretty inevitable unless you have zero human curiosity.

As for kids etc I guess you COULD luxuriate in your freedom in your late forties, but theres something potent about the obliviousness and recklessness of your twenties that you never really get back. It's like the stuff you do in your 20s is tinged with this kind of weird dreamlike haze. You get older, yeah you can travel, you can have adventures, but it's not that same feeling as when you're 24 and it feels like nothing you can do will really have many consequences (wrongly or rightly).

You're a long time middle aged is all I would say. You can be 45 your whole life you can only be 25 once

Having said all that, we did get married and buy a small house before having children. We had to compromise and get a slightly rubbish house in a less than wonderful location, but we made up for it later.

FFS you’re hardly a teenager! I had DS at 23 and I don’t feel like that was too young at all. In fact I feel that, especially in the earlier years, I’m much more confident as a parent than a lot of the ‘older’ parents I know with children the same age.

DS is now 11. He’s a fantastic child who is incredibly well behaved, well adjusted and has just started at an exceptional grammar school. DH and I got married when DS was 2 months old (wedding was already planned before I got pregnant) and we’re still happy, both have great jobs and live in a gorgeous big house.

Having DS at 23 has not held me back in any way at all!

I had my first at 18, then 26 and 27.

Then when we were about to start trying for our 4th when I was diagnosed with cancer and I am now infertile at 34.

If you feel ready and are able to provide what is needed for a baby then go for it. If I had waited until I was socially accepable to try for a baby then I'd be childless.

Cancer hits 1 in 3.

Never take today for granted, for tomorrow may never come.

Lots of truth to this. As others have rightly said, in your 30s you could be struck down with infertility out of nowhere, or cancer diagnosis.

You aren't too young - you are young and some people will feel too young at any age - and project their own feelings on you

I was 21 DH (then DF) was 24 when we tried for our first, we both worked, had a mortgage knew we could cope if down to one income (which when we had two under school age we did as child care was ridiculous)

However I'm not sure I'd want to be pregnant at the moment with covid unless I was worried about lack of time

That comment is nothing compared to how much judgement you'll get when you become a mother. The whole world lines up to pass judgement on mothers. So you need to get thicker skin!

Yes very much so. Being a mum exposes you to loads of unsolicited comments
You smile and ignore, before moving on

OP the decision of course is entirely yours but my worries pre-children pale into insignificance to the worry i experience now as a parent.

I led a very 'full' life in my 20s and early 30d and look back on those times with no regret and great fondness.

While I love my children deeply and life without them would be unimaginable I'm so glad I managed to do all the things such as travelling and living a pretty carefree existence before they came along.

If you've not really got any money worries I'd spend a few years having some amazing adventures before parenthood quite frankly.

but my worries pre-children pale into insignificance to the worry i experience now as a parent.

That sums up my experience of parenthood as well.

I started trying at 22. I was married. 3 years later, no baby. I am infertile. I’m glad I know this early in my life so I can move on.

I don't think you are too young at all, but thinking about it I agree with a PP that since time is on your side and a vaccine is on he horizon which should improve things at least somewhat, I would wait a few months to see what is happening re the pandemic. Antenatal care and the whole experience would be easier.

If you've not really got any money worries I'd spend a few years having some amazing adventures before parenthood quite frankly

Or have them in 20 years time when they’ve grown up. Either way works, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my adventures post children - had more money for them too.

I'd encourage any family members of mine to wait too at your age. you change a lot from early to late 20s. thinking of me and my friends back at age 24 bare no resemblance really to the people & personalities we have grown into. we were a big group too from sport so out of the 50 of us I don't think any of us are with the same partners even.

@VinylDetective I couldn't agree more and I fully intend to do lots of travelling when my DC are older there's nothing quite like being young and having very few responsibilities bar yourself.

Personally found being young and free a precious time. It’s more than clubbing and holidays it’s living life on your own terms as independent young adult. You are never that free again after kids. I would feel a little sad if my girls jumped so early to motherhood where you have to give so much of yourself. That’s my view though it’s very subjective.

Personally I think you're too young. Go explore the world with your husband and have fun before settling down with kids. Right now you can save up, have lovely holidays without having to keep kids entertained, honestly its exhausting. My one regret is not travelling more pre kids.