To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

He’s being quite canny isn’t he? Testing the water and keeping his powder dry.

That thought crossed my mind too. I've had more than one arsehole try something like this, they use to try to gauge your level of interest.

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong. Its for the boss to change his behaviour if his wife is unhappy.

I read threads like this and wonder if every workplace is simply fizzing with sexual tension that I have somehow never noticed. I've hugged colleagues and had big nights out but I've never felt inclined to jump into bed with any of them.

He’s told you all this... which I doubt she wanted him to do. Sounds like he’s laying the groundwork for her to become the unreasonable and overbearing controlling wife. He’s betrayed her trust.

If you know it is upsetting his wife, then you should stop.

@Lockheart

Where are you in the world that you're allowed to go out for "boozy" nights out and to bars dinners at hotels?

I knew someone would question this first 😂

It depends what their relationship is like. Maybe he's cheated before. Maybe he treats her poorly. Maybe he's absent too much for her to handle. And your relationship with him is just the icing on the cake.

It's his marriage, his most important relationship, so he needs to work out a fix to this, not you.

She is being paranoid clearly, but that doesn't mean she has to like or accept the way you are together. I wouldn't like to be the wife, sounds like he's away a lot and she probably has to carry to burden, then she sees you all over him and wonders if it's worth it.

What is clear from the responses is the amount of people who don't trust their husbands. Which is reflected in the responses. In fairness my ex dp was very untrustworthy. And this scenario would have concerned me. But that's a husband / relationship problem, not the problem of women like the op in the workplace. I wouldn't be concerned about the drinking / hugging goodbye with my current dp. Because I totally trust him.

I am not sure Mumsnet is particularly impartial in this.
Remember that every man is a cheat and every woman who so much so as looks at other's husband is in hit waters too

@lyralalala absolutely!

Maybe women should in general work but more on their own self worth.

@emilyfrost Irrelevant. You most certainly shouldn’t be having “boozy nights out” and “big dinners” during a pandemic, nor should you be touching anyone else either.

You think people following the rules of their country is irrelevant because you don’t agree with them?

You have some sense of self importance 😂

@SchrodingersImmigrant There have been some absolutely belting threads in the last few days. This one is right up there

Your boss really is acting the twat here and I would be taking a big step back from any social interaction that doesn't have to happen.

A professional person with appropriate boundaries would not have said a WORD to his colleague about any disagreement with his wife/partner of this nature. It's none of your business: more to the point it's his wife's private business that she would presumably not want you to know. Very grubby and inappropriate of him to share, and is a red flag that shoudl tell you that her concerns are probably well founded. At the very least, he's acting completely inappropriately in 'bringing you in' to his personal situation, at worst: he's a gaslighting creep who likes blurring boundaries and is getting off on your 'innocent' drinkies and hugs and is using it to wind his wife up.

Do not engage at all and give this man a wide berth. Red flags all round.

“Look Muriel, it’s Deidre Chambers. What a coincidence!”

I didn’t think you could hug anywhere in the world at the moment.

I'd carry on as you are tbh, it's not your problem.

He's the one who needs to either make changes or tackle this with his wife.

OP it’s always going to be your fault whatever the issue is. Despite the fact that dinner and drinks is totally normal when people are travelling for business it MUST be inappropriate because you have a vagina. We all know that any affair any man ever had was because some Trollope ( love how autocorrect changed that 😀) like you came and dangled your wares in your trollopy way. Her response is why people don’t tell their partners what they’re doing because it’s easier than dealing with their paranoia. You should continue to act in a way which is appropriate within your organisation and let him deal with his wife in whatever way he sees fit.

By the way, I'm not saying that you have done anything wrong here. I don'tthink you have. But do be alert to the fact that you could be being used as a bit player in a game being played out somewhere else entirely. I have been in that situation myself and it's extremely irritating and unpleasant.

In my experience: Do not trust ANY man who 'confides' or seems to innocently share any business that you'd think 'if I were your wife, I wouldn't want you to be telling me this.' It's always, ALWAYS a red flag. This sentence: The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate. - tells me that your boss is a creep.

[quote lyralalala]@SchrodingersImmigrant There have been some absolutely belting threads in the last few days. This one is right up there[/quote]
Nothing compared to www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3987861-Would-you-be-ok-with-your-husband-going-to-the-cinema-with-a-female-friend?pg=2.👀

Every time I see this type of post, I remember this shitshow.

I'm also amazed at some of the responses above. You can build friendships with work colleagues that are just that - friendships. There is nothing at all wrong with a goodbye hug, particuarly when partners are present and also getting the same goodbye hug. There's nothing wrong with a drink in a bar when on a work trip, with colleagues of either sex, as long as neither has any thought or interest in anything other than a friendly drink. I'm amazed that so many seem to think otherwise. I've had that sort of friendship with male colleagues in the past, and it never occurred to me that anyone might think anything was wrong with it. DH certainly wasn't bothered.

There is probably a back story to this. Perhaps he has form?

[quote TheChineseChicken]@CheetasOnFajitas (sorry quote functionality isn’t working) - we’re a small company with no reporting lines so not an issue. We’ve all known each other for years and chose to go into business together. Fairly unique set up but doesn’t preclude other companies from having a friendly culture[/quote]
For me the key here is that OP describes this man as her boss and there is a clear reporting lines structure. This is actually a bit different to a situation where colleagues who are peers form an emotional connection.

Regardless of whether you were right or wrong its wildly inappropriate for the boss's wife to ring a more junior member of staff and rant at them for their behaviour. Its potentially intimation and harassment and she leaves her husband open to scenarios like constructive dismissal.

Its simply not her place to contact you. And unless you had given her your number in the uk that would be a data breech for her to contact you at all.

What she is happy or unhappy with is a private matter between her and her husband and quite frankly not your fucking problem.

Oh this time next year OP will in the throes of an affair.

@Wotsitsarecheesy

I'm also amazed at some of the responses above. You can build friendships with work colleagues that are just that - friendships. There is nothing at all wrong with a goodbye hug, particuarly when partners are present and also getting the same goodbye hug. There's nothing wrong with a drink in a bar when on a work trip, with colleagues of either sex, as long as neither has any thought or interest in anything other than a friendly drink. I'm amazed that so many seem to think otherwise. I've had that sort of friendship with male colleagues in the past, and it never occurred to me that anyone might think anything was wrong with it. DH certainly wasn't bothered.

Absolutely! 100%.

I've got several strong male friendships, almost all made through work, it's that kind of industry.

I've also had enough experience of the kind of new 'friend' who is all for the hugs and the matey drinks and then it's the wide-eyed 'Oh, I don't think we should have done that... my wife/gf is jealous... no, she doesn't really understand me, you're right...' Ok mate, stop RIGHT THERE and perhaps just fuck off.

Every time, every single time that that element slides in... they have turned out to be a little creep. Not necessarily wanting to start something. Not saying that. Just - a creep. A wind up merchant. A teaser or a player or just an irritating creep who has no idea how to be friends with a woman.

Steer clear OP.

@Infinitethings

I didn’t think you could hug anywhere in the world at the moment.

The pearl clutching on this thread is incredible.

OP, you've done nothing wrong except own a vagina.

Bet a lot of people on here are fun at parties.

She sounds insecure. You haven’t done anything wrong.

Carry on however you want, you can’t stop other women moaning over a normal friendship.