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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

445 replies

Hop27 · 20/11/2020 08:01

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 20/11/2020 08:27

Yep this is sexism and no one would say anything if it was2 men or 2 women having dinner and drinks after work.
Our work is huggy across men and women, our senior team go drinking (use to) and hug on leaving (all 40/50)

OiOiYou · 20/11/2020 08:28

I don't think there is anything inappropriate providing everyone in the situation is okay with it. What I don't like is how posters seem to be implying it's your fault. I don't see that you have done anything wrong.

If his wife is unhappy and this is her particular boundary then fair enough, but it's down to him to amend his behaviour in that scenario (if he wants to respect his wife's wishes). It's nothing to do with you. Just as it wouldn't be his problem if your husband didn't like it.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable. But I don't particularly blame his wife either.

BowlerHatPowerHat · 20/11/2020 08:29

How is going out for dinner and a few drinks with a work colleague 'inappropriate'?
Wife sounds paranoid.

ReneeRol · 20/11/2020 08:31

PersonalNonGarter; drinking with someone of the opposite sex is fine. Nobody said it's not. The issue is the behaviour. Drinking with a fellow professional or friend is fine.

Drinking alone with someone who is flirty and touchy feely and trying to get an ego boost from you, oversteps a boundary. No spouse is obliged to be a doormat and tolerate their spouse indulging in that behaviour. The wife is right to assert her expectations and boundaries. It's his responsibility to enforce them.

LuaDipa · 20/11/2020 08:33

You are not doing anything wrong, but I would worry about how I was perceived being this close to a male boss. I know it’s not fair or right, but in my industry affairs are common and there would be gossip. And annoyingly, not about the male in the equation.

I am extremely careful to maintain a respectful distance from all colleagues. In ‘real’ life I am quite huggy with friends but I would never hug a colleague. I don’t have them on social media either. Also while I would go for a drink with colleagues I would never be the last woman standing. I would leave with the others.

My dh is exactly the same. He would never put his arm around a female colleague in a picture etc, and always leaves first, leaving money behind the bar. He says that they have a better time without the boss looking on anyway!!

In your situation op I would feel most concerned that he feels the need to discuss his wife’s feelings with you, an employee. It smacks to me of the cliche ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’. Even if your boundaries are correct, his are seriously skewed and I would be keeping well away.

slashlover · 20/11/2020 08:36

I am unimpressed with the number of posters that think that drinking with a man is off limits.

It’s 2020. Why the pearly clutching. ‘Inappropriate’ is a woman-control word here.

I can almost guarantee that if a woman posted about her DH was working with a woman who hugged him and then they went out for dinner and drinks, the responses would be LTB and "He's definitely shagging her/wants to shag her".

Notonthestairs · 20/11/2020 08:36

You don't need to hug anyone that you work with. You just don't.

DH works almost exclusively with women so if I kicked up a fuss about going for a drink or dinner with other women I'd be isolating him. So I don't do that.

But I'd suggest it's important for all parties but particularly those in senior leadership to retain clear boundaries to protect yourself and your profession reputations.

U2HasTheEdge · 20/11/2020 08:37

@ReneeRol

PersonalNonGarter; drinking with someone of the opposite sex is fine. Nobody said it's not. The issue is the behaviour. Drinking with a fellow professional or friend is fine.

Drinking alone with someone who is flirty and touchy feely and trying to get an ego boost from you, oversteps a boundary. No spouse is obliged to be a doormat and tolerate their spouse indulging in that behaviour. The wife is right to assert her expectations and boundaries. It's his responsibility to enforce them.

There is nothing to say the OP is 'touchy feely'. She hugged everyone on a night out. I hugged my colleagues goodbye on a night out- male and female.

His wife does sound insecure, but we don't know that she doesn't have a logical reason for that. What would worry me OP, is the fact that your boss is telling you this. That shows a lack of loyalty and unprofessionalism.

LifeIsStrangeAtm · 20/11/2020 08:37

In your situation op I would feel most concerned that he feels the need to discuss his wife’s feelings with you, an employee. It smacks to me of the cliche ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’. Even if your boundaries are correct, his are seriously skewed and I would be keeping well away

Yes definetly! Hes trying to create some sort of connection between you two. My money is on him hoping the friendship turned into an affair of some sort. He should not be discussing anything his wife says or feels with you.

The fact you've come and posted on the internet speaks volumes about your boundaries too.

If that was me and I realised my bosses wife was feeling uncomfortable about me spending time with him - then I would stop spending time with him. And I'd also really wonder why on earth he decided to speak to an employee about his wife and how she feels Hmm

Original poster
Hop27 · 20/11/2020 08:38

Why can't you hug people you work with?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 20/11/2020 08:38

Wow! I'm surprised by the judgemental comments on here! None of the behaviour that you have described in your OP sounds particularly off to me. I don't think your boss should be complaining to you about his wife though.

Ophelia2020 · 20/11/2020 08:41

The hugs are inappropriate and unprofessional. Many people don't like it.

saraclara · 20/11/2020 08:41

The boozy night was a celebration with partners. So it's hardly inappropriately "getting drink with the boss".

Having a couple of drinks with dinner on a work trip is surely standard behaviour, whether the colleagues are two men, two women or one of each.

Unless you were sloppy drunk and copped a feel during the goodbye hug, I can't see what she's complaining about. And I'm somewhat surprised at the rather Victorian attitudes of some posters.

dottiedodah · 20/11/2020 08:43

Is he much older than you? I think she probably feels he has crossed a boundary here .Drinking alone with you is inadvisable at the best of times ,for all sorts of reasons!

Original poster
Hop27 · 20/11/2020 08:44

He wasn't bitching about her, it was more .... just checking I was over familiar last night DW thought I'd been inappropriate when you left. Was I ? Sorry i probably shouldn't have had that last wine.
He made an off the cuff remark after he spoke to her when we were out for drinks. Same as we often talk about our families at work, honestly the kids are driving me mad. Don't think that is disrespectful.

OP posts:
LimpidPools · 20/11/2020 08:44

@ReneeRol

You don't get to decide her boundaries. Their marriage is none of your business. He shouldn't be running back squealing to you, he should be putting in appropriate boundaries.

People will judge you on how you present yourself. If you're all over other men, they're going to smirk and make assumptions, if you're all over their husband, they have a right to tell him they don't want a creep who let's you feel them up.

Going drinking with a woman who's openly flirty and touchy feely, he's telling her that he'll take what you're offering and you're not presenting well to her. She has a right to not have you all over her husband or in their marriage.

Seriously, what is this? 'If you're all over other men,' 'openly flirty and touchy feely,' he'll take what you're offering.'

Do you also say, 'I'm not saying she deserved it, but...'?

It doesn't sound to me like you're behaving inappropriately at all. A hug goodbye with your husband in tow, a meal and a drink after a day's work. Sure it depends on the boss and the company culture, but it's all normal enough.

The problem isn't yours OP, it's theirs. And you have no idea whether it's because of something in their shared history or if it's just her. On what you've said though, she's paranoid.

AlexaShutUp · 20/11/2020 08:45

There are a lot of very uptight people on here. What's wrong with a hug at the end of a night out to celebrate a big win? Especially when partners are present?!

Out of interest, would you think it was inappropriate for the OP to hug a female colleague in those circumstances as well?

Clockstop · 20/11/2020 08:46

Tricky as I doubt many people would comment on two men going for drinks and doing a quick back slap/hug on their way out. But as his wife isnt comfortable you should be at least polite and refrain from being overly familiar.

Comtesse · 20/11/2020 08:48

A load of super judgemental comments here that are in my view dead wrong. I go to the pub with my boss (male or female). I do hug (some) colleagues from tine to time. This is pretty expected in my industry. I am senior and highly respected. So from my perspective you are not out of order at all.

Their relationship is theirs to manage. Why are you supposed to be responsible for managing her insecurity?

AlexaShutUp · 20/11/2020 08:48

Do the people who have a problem with this work themselves?

I'm really struggling to understand the outrage at what seems to me like normal behaviour between colleagues.

clearedfortakeoff · 20/11/2020 08:48

Why can't you just have dinner and one or two glasses of wine? Why does it have to be 'boozy' and involve hugs?

That's unprofessional in my opinion. I'd be annoyed too.

Baycob · 20/11/2020 08:49

@PersonaNonGarter

What are you talking about?

if the questions had been posed by the man talking about his wife being annoyed at it him for drinking with his female colleague and hugging then the answer would be the same.

Woman can do what they like, but if was a friend/colleague/wife I would judge this woman. Especially as she knows it’s pissing off his wife, yet she is trying to justify it. Has she no other friends to go out to dinner with/hug/get drunk with ? Why so persistent with this one ?

Woman like this are not for other woman, they just enjoy the attention.

borntohula · 20/11/2020 08:49

I've got to say though, that based on what OP's said, boss has no interest in her in 'that' way. He was upset because his wife wouldn't take his calls and he's not said anything to indicate that he isn't happily married? So, not sure where other posters are getting that from, unless they are projecting.

Notonthestairs · 20/11/2020 08:50

I don't think anyone is suggesting you sit there like a Victorian giving a stiff hand shake!
But no I wouldn't hug colleagues and I certainly wouldn't appreciate a partner or senior lawyer giving me a hug at the end of a deal. So if I wouldn't accept from my boss I wouldn't encourage it from someone more junior. It works both ways.

Going for a drink and chat at the end of a tough day was however, perfectly normal.

Nottherealslimshady · 20/11/2020 08:52

I think hugging colleagues is inappropriate but I'm not a huggy person so that's probably colouring my judgement.

I dont think theres anything wrong with having a meal and drinks though, no one would think twice if you were a man.

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