To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

[Glamflimfloogety]

If you truly do see him as a friend, you should recognise that you are putting him in a difficult position at home. As a friend you should show some consideration and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

It's quite easy to dodge dinner alone with him, simply say that you have a video call with your DH planned so you're ordering room service, see you in the morning for breakfast.

As others have mentioned, if his wife is suspicious then your colleagues most likely are too. You should consider how this impacts on people's professional assessment of you.

I'd also be concerned that he's confiding in you about his marital problems, this suggests he may have more invested in your relationship than you do. I wouldn't want to leave myself open to any false accusations.

[SimplyRadishing]

New biz win Celebration dinners and dinner and a couple of drinks when travelling is totally standard in my industry. I frequently have/had pre pandemic dinner for 2 with a man.
Totally normal and would have been reviewed as odd to both do so.

The wife has clearly got issues but it's on him and his wife to work out.

[Rainbowqueeen]

I’d be more wary of your boss than his wife tbh. There is absolutely no way he should have repeated her concerns to you. If he thinks she is paranoid and wants to continue behaving as he is then he can do that. But telling you about it is incredibly disrespectful. Why would you want to be friendly with someone who treats his wife in this way

[NovemberRain2]

Wow, some of the comments here sound like they're from women who have never worked in senior roles.

Of course it's fine to go for a drink alone with a colleague or boss. Or indeed a client. That's how a lot of business gets done. Men have drinks and dinners with each other to agree business matters all the time, why should women be exempt?

If the wife can't handle it, that's between her and her husband. OP isn't doing anything wrong (though maybe refrain from hugging).

If my husband said I couldn't go for a drink or dinner with a work colleage, I'd assume he was losing the plot. And vice versa.

[JorisBonson]

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d be more wary of your boss than his wife tbh. There is absolutely no way he should have repeated her concerns to you. If he thinks she is paranoid and wants to continue behaving as he is then he can do that. But telling you about it is incredibly disrespectful. Why would you want to be friendly with someone who treats his wife in this way

He's hugged a friend and is now sharing some personal problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Divebar]

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Do you remember the thread with a guy who went for a “ hot lunch” with a female colleague? That was a classic too

[Cocomarine]

You don’t get to decide if his wife is “paranoid”.
For all you know, he’s got firm for setting up one affair after another with his subordinates 🤷🏻‍♀️

You only get to decide what is professional in your context of work. In mine (pre-Covid), celebratory drinks and dinners out when working away are perfectly normal.

[firesong]

I don't think you've done anything wrong. He shouldn't be telling you about his wife's concerns though. I'm sure he just felt upset and wanted to talk about it, but it feels off doing that when you are the one she is feeling insecure about. It kind of elevates you and makes her look bad. I'd hate it if my partner told another woman I was threatened by her. That's why I would never share that info!

A lot of people might feel a little worried about their partner being alone with a huggy, attractive (?), opposite sex person... I don't know the answer for him though - it's hard when you feel your partner doesn't trust you.

[Cheeseandwin5]

I dont think you or him have done anything wrong.
That said if she has a problem with it, maybe you should just shake his hand in knuckle touch him in future.
He needs to sort out his own wife insecurities with her.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

[quote Divebar]**@SchrodingersImmigrant

Do you remember the thread with a guy who went for a “ hot lunch” with a female colleague? That was a classic too[/quote]
I thought that lunch is ok-is, but nooooooo way they can go for a walk after😂

[sofato5miles]

I have a senior role. I don't live in the UK. I have dinner with male and female colleagues and somehow manage not to shag them. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bars and restaurants are open. With social distancing but meh, we often hug goodbye but numbers are very low and we all seem to be tested at least weekly for travel reasons.

OP sadly he has issues with his wife. Annoying but for him to manage. You did nothing wrong.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

There are a lot of different issues getting mixed up here. For what it’s worth, my view in summary:

Colleagues (either peers or boss plus those who the boss manages) having a drink together when away on business- OK. A normal part of working life and most would rightly complain if their boss left them to eat room service alone in the evening.
.


Peer colleagues hugging each other- happens a lot, very dependent on the depth of the emotional connection. In a mixed group of colleagues I would feel odd if some hugged each other and others did not so on balance would probably prefer no hugging.

Boss hugging person he manages/vice versa- not OK. Distorts objectivity needed to manage effectively.

Boss’s wife being unhappy about any of this- not OK if the boss genuinely has only professional relationship (as looks like the case here). However understandable if boss has form.

Boss telling his colleague that his wife is unhappy about this- not OK at all. Private between husband and wife and he already has all the info he needs to know of his wife is being unreasonable or not. Brings colleague into a private matter and sets up a “wife doesn’t my understand me” dynamic. Creates image in colleague’s head of her and boss in a clinch.

[IdblowJonSnow]

You're overthinking this OP. It's his problem to resolve with his wife, not yours.

If you go out just the two of you then people will talk.

Agree he shouldn't be hugging everyone, some people won't like this but won't necessarily be comfortable to say that to their boss.

V envious of your nights out!

[Crustmasiscoming]

You aren't doing anything wrong, as such, but I can see how someone could possibly r e ad it as inappropriate. As PP's have said, I would bet that there have been infidelity issues in the past, so now his wife is on high alert.

I think just being aware of it is enough. For example, if you all go out for work drinks, leave when other people do so you aren't drinking alone with him. That sort of thing.

[JorisBonson]

@Redburnett

YABVU in attempting to diagnose his wife as paranoid.
Your behaviour sounds a bit borderline to me, probably advisable to stop doing so much boozy socialising. Go to the gym or for a swim instead if you're away in a good hotel, better for your health and self-esteem.

But what if another gentleman sees the harlots ankles while she's swimming??

[Lilybet1980]

It’s a really sad world we are in now if a woman can’t have a drink alone with a male colleague.

[Cheeseandwin5]

@IdblowJonSnow

To be fair (assuming you want to be be fair) it wasn't him who initiated the hugging but the OP.

[VivaMiltonKeynes]

@Hop27

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye

Were you the only one doing this ?

[TicTacTwo]

Ive never worked in an office where people of the opposite sex were more tactile than a high 5. Hugging between the opposite sex would raise eyebrows and have people
assuming that they were shagging but this could be an industry /country difference. I can imagine jobs where hugging wouldn't be strange but I work in an office where nothing really sad or happy happens iyswim.

People drink a lot in my line of work and there's a lot of events with free alcohol. I regularly eat lunch with just a male colleague. It's not always the same one and we just decided to go for lunch at the same time.

I think that your boss shouldn't have told you this. It could be that the wife is paranoid or it could be the case that he's been unfaithful or on dodgy ground in the past so she has reasons be vigilant. By telling you this your boss is indirectly assigning you some of the blame imo. I would definitely be modifying my behaviour with him. Confessing to you something that his wife would probably rather you didn't know is also dubious behaviour. He should have kept that info to himself and thought about how he should deal with things. It doesn't sound like you have any interest in him like that btw

[JorisBonson]

@Lilybet1980

It’s a really sad world we are in now if a woman can’t have a drink alone with a male colleague.

THIS

[TicTacTwo]

Did his wife hug you and your h?

[VivaMiltonKeynes]

@Rainbowqueeen

I’d be more wary of your boss than his wife tbh. There is absolutely no way he should have repeated her concerns to you. If he thinks she is paranoid and wants to continue behaving as he is then he can do that. But telling you about it is incredibly disrespectful. Why would you want to be friendly with someone who treats his wife in this way

Agree . He sounds like a dick.

[TheVanguardSix]

I don't know. Out of respect for his wife and other reasons, I'd dial it back a bit, OP. You don't need to be having solo drinks with the guy and all huggy huggy. Just be a bit more professional. You don't know their history. Maybe he's cheated in the past. And if this is the case and you do find out because your boss blabs about that too, then he really is a king-sized dickhead. I don't like that he's run his wife down to you. That leaves a bad taste. You're calling her paranoid based on your boss's report of her. So... he's a bit of a turd, tbh.
Put yourself in her shoes and imagine the scenario. That'll clarify things for you a bit more.

[Cheeseandwin5]

@Crustmasiscoming
As PP's have said, I would bet that there have been infidelity issues in the past, so now his wife is on high alert.

Why?? Because we are either victims or scarlet women trying to steal husbands ( even in front of our own partners in this case).
It is more likely she is just a controlling and insecure!

[DillonPanthersTexas]

Drinking alone with him is inappropriate, yes.

In the context of a work trip, not necessarily.

I used to travel an awful lot with work, dinner or a drink in the hotel with your team or colleague is fairly normal after a long day. Sure, there are boundaries and if you are swanning off for cosy dinners and drinks in town that's a different issue. Basically for most people work travel is not exotic and pretty knackering. All you want to do at the end of the day is grab some food, maybe a glass of wine before hitting the sack.