To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

@Hop27

Why can't you hug people you work with?

@Hop27

It's a largely UK website. There are far fewer huggers here! People can work together for 30 years & not know their colleagues husband name, let alone have a drink together or hug!! 🤣

I don't think you're doing anything wrong per se, but perhaps his wife realises he's a bit too keen on you - whether he realises it or not. I'm like you, but I have also felt like her, it's a tricky one. If there is ANY chemistry at all with him, then knock it in the head now. If there's definitely not, then let him decide how he wants to handle it.

Why can't you just have dinner and one or two glasses of wine? Why does it have to be 'boozy' and involve hugs?

The boozy night out was with partners, so no threat to the wife, surely? That's when the hugs happened too.

When it was just the OP and her boss, they had a couple of drinks with dinner. Hardly inappropriate, do people expect them to drink lemonade because they happen to be with a colleague of the opposite sex?

I don't think you've done anything wrong.

I've worked places where it would be fine after a celebration it would be fine to hug everyone goodnight, you weren't in the boardroom! I've also been to conferences etc with senior management where we've sat and had a drink . Absolutely NO miscommunication about whether it meant meet me in my room naked in 10.

So either she's massively insecure and controlling OR he has form for hitting on women. Both of those are on him to handle

This is so often how women are excluded from the networking that often leads to senior managment. Two people having a drink after work is just normal.

Hmm i have to admit i wouldn't like it, and i know my partner wouldn't either, going out as a group of colleagues, and even hugging everyone goodbye i can understand. Lot's of colleges get along and are friendly in this manner.

But the individual dinner date's and drinks i wouldn't feel comfortable with. It would make me feel uneasy.

It's a largely UK website. There are far fewer huggers here! People can work together for 30 years & not know their colleagues husband name, let alone have a drink together or hug!!

Seriously? I have never worked anywhere in the UK with that kind of culture. Hugging in the workplace is not at all uncommon in my world.

@Hop27

Why can't you hug people you work with?

Covid

@Martinisarebetterdirty

Hugging your boss when drunk/tipsy/sober is rarely appropriate. Drinking alone with your boss is not. It’s unprofessional of you both. I wouldn’t do it with my boss, nor would I do it with my juniors.

This.

She might be paranoid but you are also not acting professionally.

Jesus Christ, chill!

nothing happened here, if women aren't allowed to have dunner and drinks with colleagues it will have a negative impact on their careers, it's not fair to ask this, hugging people when leaving it's quite ok in some work environments and a couple of drinks with dinner after a long days work are absolutely fine.

People are seriously projecting! flirty? offering? all over her husband? where did you get that?

I don't think you've done anything wrong. The problem is for him to work out with his wife. Don't let yourself get dragged into their drama.

I would drink alone with my boss, but I wouldn't hug him.

Drinking is fine, but hugging is a bit too personal. At the end of the day, my boss has to have enough objective distance from me to be able to fire me. You don't really fire people you go round hugging.

As @Notonthestairs says, what behaviour would you model to a junior colleague? I wouldn't hug the people I manage. I'm friendly with them, I can exchange banter with them, but I need to have enough distance to be able to discipline them if needed. I'm their manager; I can't be their friend.

If your behaviour is upsetting his wife why don't you just be considerate and tone down your behaviour? Surely it's no skin off your nose to stop with the touchy feely behaviour and late night drinks, which are obviously causing problems in his marriage.

Yes, it's up to him to sort his own marriage out, but no decent woman would want to be part of the problem, why don't you just back off and give them some space and respect.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong but you don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. Maybe he’s not been trustworthy in the past?

I think hugging colleagues is inappropriate and not professional, perhaps your boss and his wife have decided that drinking alone is not something they feel comfortable with so he has overstepped the mark, you’ve not because you’re ok with it but they have decided it’s wrong and you must accept that. His wife is allowed an opinion, I feel sorry for your bosses wife being criticised by her husband at work. It sounds fishy to me when he’s commenting on his wife and putting her down to people at work, then drinking and hugging.....

It's not appropriate to go around hugging colleagues. Especially in a pandemic.

As for the drinking together, I don't think that's really appropriate either, to protect both of you from claims of harassment etc.

Maybe the wife thinks you're gearing up to make an accusation against him, and he could make one against you for unwanted touching (hugging) so just be careful and behave professionally then there wont be an issue.

Also in oz. drinking with my boss totally fine, if friendly relationship hugs in social situation fine, in your shoes I’d be firm on not getting cuddly in any way, and if that’s your drinking persona then drinking is out sorry. Id comfortably say to my boss as we went out for a drink love a drink, no hugging after a couple as I don’t want your wife upset.

@Flower8 why would it make you feel uneasy? Don't you trust your dh?
Would you feel uneasy if it was a man eating with your dh?
Working people staying in hotels have to eat, why should they eat alone if a colleague is also there.
I was always pleased if my dh could eat with someone when away. Hotels are horrible places to be on your own.
I never, ever worried about him being inappropriate.

I hug people I work with (or did pre pandemic!) and go out for big nights out. I don't think there is an issue with it from your side, but if his wife is unhappy then that is an issue for him to resolve and put in new boundaries if appropriate for him.

Surely it's no skin off your nose to stop with the touchy feely behaviour and late night drinks

Hugging is hardly touchy feely behaviour with people you know well. Plenty of people do it as a greeting or way of saying goodbye particularly in a less formal environment. And would you be telling a man he shouldn't be having late night drinks, or is this just plain old sexism reserved for women in the work place.

He’s being quite canny isn’t he? Testing the water and keeping his powder dry.

I can almost guarantee that if a woman posted about her DH was working with a woman who hugged him and then they went out for dinner and drinks, the responses would be LTB and "He's definitely shagging her/wants to shag her".

Rubbish. If as in this case the hug was a goodbye hug in front of both spouses (who also got hugged) I can't see that being the response at all.

When colleagues are away on business, they have to eat. A glass or two of wine with a meal is normal or discussing the day's meetings over a drink is also normal. If a woman excludes herself from those normal activities/discussions, her chances of promotion or being seen as a team player will plummet. It's unreasonable.

@emilyfrost why is it irrelevant? That's the rules in Oz.

Are our rules irrelevant then?

Have I read something different to others? The OP and her DH went our for a big dinner with colleagues and their partners. Drink was consumed and at the end of the evening the OP hugged EVERYBODY as she and DH left. Absolutely nothing wrong in any of that.

Another occasion, OP and boss are having drinks in a hotel bar, and bosses wife gets start. The only problem here is bosses wife, and PP who seem to think from the above that OP is setting up to shag her boss. Shame on you people.

Perhaps his wife feels there's more to it. If you hugged everyone that was there then it shouldn't really be a problem. Maybe he talks about you a lot at home and she's uncomfortable. Do you text a lot? Are you both a bit over friendly?

@Aethelthryth

Women like your boss's wife make it really difficult for women in business to form the sort of work relationships that men do. I'd avoid the hugging but there's nothing wrong with having a drink together- he'd do the same with male colleagues and you with female.

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