To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

She sounds paranoid but the boundaries of their marriage are between her and your boss.

Tbh, I would absolutely agree with that...
If it didn't have an effect on the third party. There is a potential that OP might simply stop being able to go with the boss away for work. He will, for safety pick a male employee. As pps said. This can hinder female's career for no good reason other than someone outside of it is insecured. Aren't we as eomen already battling enough to be taken seriously in workplaces? Must we fuck it up for each other in this way too?

Is he telling his male employees that his wife thinks their relationship is inappropriate too? Or does he only tell his female employees that?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

The common factor is the men who are feeding information back and forwards between their colleagues and their wives. It’s beyond stupid to pretend that’s not the case.

Why aren't the working women having these issues?

They are. It’s only the one poster that thinks being unemployed means you don’t trust your husband. It’s nonsense.

Is he telling his male employees that his wife thinks their relationship is inappropriate too? Or does he only tell his female employees that?

Is she saying male-male is inappropriate too or it's only about his female employees?

The common factor is the men who are feeding information back and forwards between their colleagues and their wives. It’s beyond stupid to pretend that’s not the case
I partially agree

However there are some people (men and women) who jump to conclusions at even the most innocuous pieces of information.

For example
'sorry I missed your call I was having a drink with Dave' = fine
'Sorry I missed your call I was having a drink with Marie' = totally inappropriate and obviously having an affair or wants to have an affair, I bet she's some floozy who is throwing herself at his feet

Equally, if you're in a relationship with someone like that then you're in a no win situation.
If you refrain from mentioning entirely dull facts because you know they'll twist it, invent entire scenarios, accuse you of cheating, get moody and stroppy so you're on eggshells, start planting seeds of doubt (eg your behaviour is inappropriate... nobody else would do...), and generally making life tense, then that gets taken as proof of wrongdoing because "if there was nothing to hide then you'd have told me".
If you tell them the fairly dull facts and they don't like it then you are subjected to the sorts of batshittery above.

I've seen friends, men and women, be in those sorts of relationships and some people really are odd.

They are. It’s only the one poster that thinks being unemployed means you don’t trust your husband. It’s nonsense.

Why didn't the working women in her experience have that issues? I mean the common denominator are the men so...

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Is he telling his male employees that his wife thinks their relationship is inappropriate too? Or does he only tell his female employees that?

Is she saying male-male is inappropriate too or it's only about his female employees?

Who cares? It only gets back to his employees if he tells them about what his wife has said about them.

Who cares? It only gets back to his employees if he tells them about what his wife has said about them.

If she doesn't say that about them he has nothing to say?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

They are. It’s only the one poster that thinks being unemployed means you don’t trust your husband. It’s nonsense.

Why didn't the working women in her experience have that issues? I mean the common denominator are the men so...

That’s what I’ve asked. What’s the correlation between unemployment and paranoia? Or race and paranoia? Or being left handed and paranoia? How can that poster be so sure it’s the employment status of the wife over the information the husband feeds back?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Who cares? It only gets back to his employees if he tells them about what his wife has said about them.

If she doesn't say that about them he has nothing to say?

Why would he tell his employees regardless?

That’s what I’ve asked. What’s the correlation between unemployment and paranoia? Or race and paranoia? Or being left handed and paranoia? How can that poster be so sure it’s the employment status of the wife over the information the husband feeds back?

Why aren't there feedback issues between the working couples?

Why would he tell his employees regardless?

Why wouldn't he if he is worried about it? They talk about their families apparently

@SchrodingersImmigrant

That’s what I’ve asked. What’s the correlation between unemployment and paranoia? Or race and paranoia? Or being left handed and paranoia? How can that poster be so sure it’s the employment status of the wife over the information the husband feeds back?

Why aren't there feedback issues between the working couples?

I don’t know. Let’s see what that poster says when they come back to this thread.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Why would he tell his employees regardless?

Why wouldn't he if he is worried about it? They talk about their families apparently

Because saying ‘my wife thinks this is inappropriate’ makes his female colleagues start threads on mumsnet about his wife’s paranoia.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Why would he tell his employees regardless?

Why wouldn't he if he is worried about it? They talk about their families apparently

And also because that’s something you think he wouldn’t have cause to say to his male colleagues. So he therefor treats his male employees different to his female ones. And we have word for that.

Pumperthepumper
There could be a link there.
If someone is in the workplace (or has been recently) then they will probably have recent knowledge of colleague relationships, workplace dynamics, typical socialising etc. They may be less likely to be bothered by their partner having drinks with a colleague following a big result, for example. They will have their own workplace experiences and circles of colleagues too.

If someone has been out of work for a while then they are out of the loop on workplace dynamics, don't have their own workplace circles, and are perhaps more liable to read more into entirely reasonable situations, especially if in their mind their DH is the big shiny boss/must he the best catch in the firm. I can imagine it might be difficult for some to consider that others successful in the field might just get on with their DH in a professionally friendly way with mutual respect and zero romantic attraction.

I don’t know. Let’s see what that poster says when they come back to this thread.

Why? You seemed to be sure it's about the feedback. Why aren't working women having the feedback issue?

@LolaSmiles

Pumperthepumper There could be a link there. If someone is in the workplace (or has been recently) then they will probably have recent knowledge of colleague relationships, workplace dynamics, typical socialising etc. They may be less likely to be bothered by their partner having drinks with a colleague following a big result, for example. They will have their own workplace experiences and circles of colleagues too.

If someone has been out of work for a while then they are out of the loop on workplace dynamics, don't have their own workplace circles, and are perhaps more liable to read more into entirely reasonable situations, especially if in their mind their DH is the big shiny boss/must he the best catch in the firm. I can imagine it might be difficult for some to consider that others successful in the field might just get on with their DH in a professionally friendly way with mutual respect and zero romantic attraction.

But they still only have that DH as the link between them and the employees. So how could the employees possibly know that unless that shiny DH has told them?

And also because that’s something you think he wouldn’t have cause to say to his male colleagues. So he therefor treats his male employees different to his female ones. And we have word for that.

Well I don't know do I if his wife has issues with males too having drinks in a hotel while away for work.
Why wouldn't she?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I don’t know. Let’s see what that poster says when they come back to this thread.

Why? You seemed to be sure it's about the feedback. Why aren't working women having the feedback issue?

I’d take a wild guess they’re not. That poster already said that boss was having an affair behind his non-working wife’s back but with a different employee (an older one, can you imagine?). So I’d say it’s less to do with the employment status of the wife and more to do with the behaviour of the boss DH. But again, until that poster comes back I guess we’ll just have to wait.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

And also because that’s something you think he wouldn’t have cause to say to his male colleagues. So he therefor treats his male employees different to his female ones. And we have word for that.

Well I don't know do I if his wife has issues with males too having drinks in a hotel while away for work.
Why wouldn't she?

Is this the why game you talked about before, have you backed yourself into a corner with your own logic? The employees only know what the boss tells them (or doesn’t tell them) about his wife. He’s the common factor, regardless of how paranoid she is (or not). I’m surprised you find this so controversial.

you and @SchrodingersImmigrant seem to think this is some kind of Gotcha! moment for the women who come to Mumsnet saying they don’t trust their husbands on work trips.

Eh? Are you on glue?

It's possible he's trying to chat OP up, but we have no information on that and if that ever happens I'm sure OP is a big girl and can tell him to fuck off. Based on the information in the OP his DW seems controlling.

Why didn't the working women in her experience have that issues?

Loads more of women post on MN with DPs who are jealous.

Possibly someone bored at home is going to be more prone to jealousy or have fewer opportunities for male friends but I don't really care why someone is abusive, I don't think it's OK.

(Baring the 'he's already cheated and is breaking an agreement' hypothesis)

@donquixotedelamancha

you and @SchrodingersImmigrant seem to think this is some kind of Gotcha! moment for the women who come to Mumsnet saying they don’t trust their husbands on work trips.

Eh? Are you on glue?

It's possible he's trying to chat OP up, but we have no information on that and if that ever happens I'm sure OP is a big girl and can tell him to fuck off. Based on the information in the OP his DW seems controlling.

Why didn't the working women in her experience have that issues?

Loads more of women post on MN with DPs who are jealous.

Possibly someone bored at home is going to be more prone to jealousy or have fewer opportunities for male friends but I don't really care why someone is abusive, I don't think it's OK.

(Baring the 'he's already cheated and is breaking an agreement' hypothesis)

But surely you’ll agree that there was no need to include the OP in his marital argument when it was about her?

So therefore any similarities between the boss in this scenario and the number of women who themselves post on mumsnet worried about their cheating spouses is moot?

But they still only have that DH as the link between them and the employees. So how could the employees possibly know that unless that shiny DH has told them?
I see what you mean.

My thinking was that obviously some men do talk the talk and are knobs, but paranoid spouses (men and women btw) can create drama and place doubts because that's what they do.

For example, I'd consider a friendly hug goodbye at the end of a work social to be absolutely appropriate. I'd do this in front or DH and not in front of DH.

In a healthy relationship (either with two working people or one at home one working) nothing more is said about this because it's a non issue.

In an unhealthy relationship (where there's a controlling, manipulative or paranoid spouse) this becomes a source of conflict, complete with guilt tripping, silent treatment, retelling events with particular spin such as 'but you WERE really inappropriate though... why would you want to hug them when your spouse is there'. In that unhealthy relationship, the person goes into the workplace feeling unsettled and worried they have overstepped so checks in with the person and says 'you don't think I did anything wrong did you.. ok, just DP said that I had and I'd hate for things to be awkward'.

Part of me wonders whether the latter type of paranoia is perhaps more likely in a relationship where one person works and the other has been out of the workplace a while. If they see their partner as Mr or Mrs Desirable and are insecure then they might be less likely to realise that professionally friendly relationships are not a sign that everyone wants to sleep with their husband/wife.

I haven't backed myself in a corner with my logic.
I am just done with the game because to be frank this "men are evil cheats" and "women are always right in theese things" is bullshit and this thread bores me now.

If women have more self respect and stop thinking every woman wants their prince notsocharming (and stopped taking back the cheaters), we would be much further than we are now.

Controlling someone isn't ok. Controlling someone and potentially affecting someone else's career is ultimately not ok.

But surely you’ll agree that there was no need to include the OP in his marital argument when it was about her?

I don't see that's what he did. As I said before, talking to your mates about your worries seems normal to me and it doesn't sound like he did much talking about that.

So therefore any similarities between the boss in this scenario and the number of women who themselves post on mumsnet worried about their cheating spouses is moot?

I don't really understand this. No one is cheating here.

I made a point about the difference in advice given when a man tries to control what friends a woman has versus the opposite way round.