To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

I haven’t posted here for about 6 years but the comments (some) on this post made me have to dig out my old log in!

Whether she is paranoid or not isn’t your call, who knows what’s happened in his or her previous relationships. But you haven’t done anything wrong. Dinner and a couple of drinks with your boss is totally acceptable. Who are these people who think this is unacceptable? Would you say the same if it was a man? It is mind blowing people still speak this way about women in business.

I wouldn’t hug my boss or his wife, I’m not a hugger and found it really weird when my nanny got drunk and hugged me during the first lockdown but I certainly didn’t judge her for it, nor would have I have thought she was going to try and crack on with my husband had she hugged him as well.

@Pumperthepumper no, that wives who do not work are more likely to be paranoid and think that every woman is after their man. I’ve had a lot of vitriol over the years from women who have - with no grounds for suspicion whatsoever - accused me of having an affair with their husbands. All of these women have been SAHMs or, for want of a better word, housewives, as their children have grown up. In contrast, two wives of work colleagues have become very close friends. Both of these women have careers of their own.

[quote MrsSchadenfreude]@Pumperthepumper no, that wives who do not work are more likely to be paranoid and think that every woman is after their man. I’ve had a lot of vitriol over the years from women who have - with no grounds for suspicion whatsoever - accused me of having an affair with their husbands. All of these women have been SAHMs or, for want of a better word, housewives, as their children have grown up. In contrast, two wives of work colleagues have become very close friends. Both of these women have careers of their own.[/quote]
Why though? That doesn’t make sense, why would their employment status have more influence over how they behave over say, what their husband tells them away from colleagues’ ears?

@Pumperthepumper I’ve no idea. I hadn’t even met some of these bloody women either. Presumably those women who work know how work relationships work and don’t jump to the wrong conclusion that because you are a woman working with their husband, you must be shagging him or desperate to get him into bed. On one occasion I was fairly confident that the woman’s husband was having an affair. But it wasn’t with me. It was with the much older woman in the next office. But she would never have suspected her.

[quote MrsSchadenfreude]@Pumperthepumper I’ve no idea. I hadn’t even met some of these bloody women either. Presumably those women who work know how work relationships work and don’t jump to the wrong conclusion that because you are a woman working with their husband, you must be shagging him or desperate to get him into bed. On one occasion I was fairly confident that the woman’s husband was having an affair. But it wasn’t with me. It was with the much older woman in the next office. But she would never have suspected her.[/quote]
Right, but you’re confident that it’s the fact they don’t have a job over what their husbands say to them behind closed doors?

Sorry haven’t read the full thread.

Your boss is being inappropriate by discussing his wife’s concerns with you.

Is relationship, and his wife’s insecurities, should not impact work. He is putting you in an uncomfortable position by exposing his marital difficulties like this.

@Pumperthepumper yes, I think that has something to do with it.

I can see what @MrsSchadenfreude is saying. If you work in a similar environment you are likely friends with women and men and you go for drinks and dinner and know that it’s innocent. If you are a SAHM you may have less opportunity to mix with the opposite sex. Certainly when I was at home I barely met a man in my day to day life. Possibly the imagination goes a little into overdrive?

[quote MrsSchadenfreude]@Pumperthepumper yes, I think that has something to do with it.[/quote]
Why though? Why would you assume they’re at fault over the much more likely scenario that it’s what their husbands tell them?

@Divebar

I can see what *@MrsSchadenfreude* is saying. If you work in a similar environment you are likely friends with women and men and you go for drinks and dinner and know that it’s innocent. If you are a SAHM you may have less opportunity to mix with the opposite sex. Certainly when I was at home I barely met a man in my day to day life. Possibly the imagination goes a little into overdrive?

How could it though unless fuelled by what the husband tells them about work?

By “fuelled” you could mean “ I’m just meeting Janice in the restaurant for dinner”.

@Divebar

By “fuelled” you could mean “ I’m just meeting Janice in the restaurant for dinner”.

Except why would that make a non-employed woman jump to ‘affair’?

Why are you hugging people during a pandemic. Not only are you being inappropriate, you are not maintaining a two meter distance from your colleagues. And mixing with people during a lockdown.
And if I was your colleagues wife. I would be very pissed off you were hugging him. You are putting him at risk of catching covid. Not just crossing boundaries.

you haven’t done anything wrong. Dinner and a couple of drinks with your boss is totally acceptable. Who are these people who think this is unacceptable? Would you say the same if it was a man?

No. Any thread where a bloke is telling a female OP who she can and can't see and checking on her movements rightly results in being described as abusive.

Oooh. I see we have a game of why. I too play that. When I don't like someone and want them to get bored and fuck off.

It's very simple what @MrsSchadenfreude said. In her experience the SAHW were more suspicious and "paranoid" then working ones. Why? Who knows. This is her observation, her experience. Simple. Do man tell them something at home to make them paranoid? Maybe. Maybe not. Do the working women's men tell them same things like the other man do to the non working women? Who the fuck knows. One set is more paranoid in @mrs's experience and they have something in common. That's it. 🙄

Not only are you being inappropriate, you are not maintaining a two meter distance from your colleagues. And mixing with people during a lockdown.

Yes, OP is even managing to go out for dinner and drinks. It's almost like she's on the other side of the world.

"Than working ones". And so on. Damn it

@donquixotedelamancha

you haven’t done anything wrong. Dinner and a couple of drinks with your boss is totally acceptable. Who are these people who think this is unacceptable? Would you say the same if it was a man?

No. Any thread where a bloke is telling a female OP who she can and can't see and checking on her movements rightly results in being described as abusive.

Except that’s not what’s happening in this thread. This is the boss telling the OP that his wife thinks their behaviour is inappropriate. This is a third-hand account of someone else’s relationship. So maybe you can answer - why would he tell his employee details of an argument he’s had with his wife when it involves that employee?

She sounds paranoid but the boundaries of their marriage are between her and your boss.

Personally, I would find it suffocating if my DH gave me a telling off for hugging a colleague and I'm sure he would be annoyed at me if I told him off for having an evening drink with a colleague when away on business trips.

So maybe you can answer - why would he tell his employee details of an argument he’s had with his wife when it involves that employee?

1. OP inferred some of it from being there while he failed to get through to his wife.
2. She got some more when he checked he hadn't been inappropriate with her.
3. He mentioned a bit about how his relationship was going. That seems perfectly normal to me and I am unusually taciturn about things like this. The idea one should never share personal information with friends seems very odd to me.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Oooh. I see we have a game of why. I too play that. When I don't like someone and want them to get bored and fuck off.

It's very simple what @MrsSchadenfreude said. In her experience the SAHW were more suspicious and "paranoid" then working ones. Why? Who knows. This is her observation, her experience. Simple. Do man tell them something at home to make them paranoid? Maybe. Maybe not. Do the working women's men tell them same things like the other man do to the non working women? Who the fuck knows. One set is more paranoid in @mrs's experience and they have something in common. That's it. 🙄

But you could just as easily say ‘it the women who are left handed whose husbands tell them details to make them paranoid’. Or ‘it’s the stupid women who are more paranoid’ or ‘black women are more paranoid’.

The common factor is the men who are feeding information back and forwards between their colleagues and their wives. It’s beyond stupid to pretend that’s not the case.

The common factor is the men who are feeding information back and forwards between their colleagues and their wives.

?

Are you saying women are never abusive so this bloke must be lying? I don't understand what the point being made is.

She sounds paranoid but the boundaries of their marriage are between her and your boss.

Tbh, I would absolutely agree with that...
If it didn't have an effect on the third party. There is a potential that OP might simply stop being able to go with the boss away for work. He will, for safety pick a male employee. As pps said. This can hinder female's career for no good reason other than someone outside of it is insecured. Aren't we as eomen already battling enough to be taken seriously in workplaces? Must we fuck it up for each other in this way too?

@donquixotedelamancha

The common factor is the men who are feeding information back and forwards between their colleagues and their wives.

?

Are you saying women are never abusive so this bloke must be lying? I don't understand what the point being made is.

I think you do - you and @SchrodingersImmigrant seem to think this is some kind of Gotcha! moment for the women who come to Mumsnet saying they don’t trust their husbands on work trips. I’m asking you to engage a tiny bit of brain to see how this (a third-hand, evidence free, employee-told) account is different.

The common factor is the men who are feeding information back and forwards between their colleagues and their wives. It’s beyond stupid to pretend that’s not the case.

Why aren't the working women having these issues?