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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

445 replies

Hop27 · 20/11/2020 08:01

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

OP posts:
arnietheaardvark · 20/11/2020 23:09

I don't think many people on this thread work in business. I don't see anything unusual here. I was previously a PA for a long time and worked for many big cheeses. I'd say a late dinner and drinks was pretty standard.

In one company, one of the director's wives came in and made a real cringeworthy show of affection in front of a couple of the PAs in a bid to mark her territory. I felt quite sorry for her after. All very odd. We laughed about it for ages afterwards.

BlueThistles · 20/11/2020 23:18

I don't think many people on this thread work in business. I don't see anything unusual here. I was previously a PA for a long time and worked for many big cheeses. I'd say a late dinner and drinks was pretty standard.

agreed

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/11/2020 12:47

@arnietheaardvark - exactly. You’ve been working with someone all day, of course you have dinner and a drink with them, to discuss how it went and what happens the next day. You don’t go to sad separate tables in the hotel restaurant and pretend you don’t know each other.

I was phoned once in the middle of the night by a colleague’s wife, screaming that she “knew I was fucking her husband and I should send him home immediately.” I was about 23 at the time, and he was at least 30 years older, so I am not sure why she thought I would find fat, balding Derek with his combover so irresistible. Turned out that Derek got pissed with his mate and fell asleep on his sofa. Didn’t get an apology from either. Oh and she also told me that I “looked like the sort of girl who would go for married men.”

Divebar · 21/11/2020 12:55

@MrsSchadenfreude

Ha ha. And what does that look like? I imagine that would be an incredibly intimidating thing to deal with as a 23 year old.

Pumperthepumper · 21/11/2020 13:05

@BlueThistles

I don't think many people on this thread work in business. I don't see anything unusual here. I was previously a PA for a long time and worked for many big cheeses. I'd say a late dinner and drinks was pretty standard.

agreed

Agreed. Telling your employee your wife finds your relationship with them inappropriate? Not so standard.
BlueThistles · 21/11/2020 13:39

Agreed. Telling your employee your wife finds your relationship with them inappropriate? Not so standard.

yes that was odd 🌺

Coffeeandaride · 21/11/2020 13:45

I think it is inappropriate to drink alone in a bar with your colleague at 10pm. Hugging everyone a bit drunk.

This is what I would do with my friends (if I could!) and not colleagues.

Oooohbehave · 21/11/2020 13:45

@BlueThistles. I used to work in a corporate environment before starting my own business and affairs were rife. Married people shagging left right and centre. No wonder the wife is paranoid, especially if he has form.

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/11/2020 15:46

@Oooohbehave I’ve travelled a lot for work and know of only one bloke who had an affair.

@Coffeeandaride nonsense. If you don’t finish work till 7, go back to the hotel, write up some notes, head for dinner at 8.30 and then the bar afterwards. If you are going to have an affair it doesn’t need drinks at 10 to enable it. You’ll find a way and an excuse.

@Divebar I have no idea! She also spread some pretty unpleasant rumours about me. One of my colleagues was saying how he found it difficult to find a babysitter. I lived locally and told him it was no problem, I was happy to do it and didn’t want paying. His wife vetoed it as she didn’t want me in the house as the other woman, the one whose husband I wasn’t having an affair with, had told her I would drop my drawers for anyone.

It’s always been the women who don’t work who are paranoid. Those who do seem to be a bit more relaxed and not think that any floozy from the office is after their husband,

BlueThistles · 21/11/2020 15:46

I used to work in a corporate environment before starting my own business and affairs were rife. Married people shagging left right and centre. No wonder the wife is paranoid, especially if he has form.

oh I do understand... but that's between the Wife and her DH... if he has form... and she chose stay then she lives with the fear always... the relationship might work .. it might not..

DH should not be sharing his Wife's 'fears/insecurities/reprimandings' with OP .. its just odd 🌺

Pumperthepumper · 21/11/2020 16:26

It’s always been the women who don’t work who are paranoid. Those who do seem to be a bit more relaxed and not think that any floozy from the office is after their husband

Wtf? How do you know if his wife works or not? Surely it’s more to do with the husband than the employment of his wife whether or not he’s trustworthy?

daisychain01 · 21/11/2020 17:41

@Pumperthepumper

It was Poppy wanting to know if o was back in my room. Told her were just having a drink and she's gone mad at me

It’s this bit though - why would he say that? Why burden the OP with this instead of just ‘ah nothing’?

Exactly - that 'simulated' conversation sounds really contrived.
Ddot · 21/11/2020 17:41

Sounds like he has had an affair before

GertieBassett · 21/11/2020 17:50

Not read the whole discussion... But I will add this... You are NOT BU... He has wife/control issues.. Leave the dramas for him to deal with... End of.😘

winniestone37 · 21/11/2020 18:02

Why do you know about any of this?! It hasn’t actually affected you and presumably your bias is telling you about it- that’s the real red flag for me. It’s weird and disloyal as if he wants to invite you into what is essentially a private disagreement between them. If he’s telling you all this I think it is your place to say why are you telling me- what goes he expect you to do 🤷‍♀️ I think the wife is being paranoid but maybe she knows him pretty well and he’s done things before, who knows.

Alpal1 · 21/11/2020 18:11

Totally ok to drink with boss if this is what a male colleague would do, (obviously without flirting). Anything else will limit your job opportunities and is indirect discrimination.
But you do need to be sensible. Hugging a colleague in front of a wife or husband isn’t at all great unless you are friends with both. I suggest you avoid it, especially when drinking because your judgement might be impaired. It will rebound on you professionally.

FelicisNox · 21/11/2020 18:34

YABU because he is a work colleague not your friend. Whilst it is his job to moderate his behaviour in relation to his marriage it is also your responsibility to say "actually I'm engaging in behaviour that makes another person distressed therefore I will stop". It's the kind thing to do and why wouldn't you want to be kind?

There are people on this thread whittling about how the business world is "different" and that is absolute tosh: all work environments count as "business" and corporate does not get special dispensation to behave as they please. They are not different and it is not appropriate.

Work is work so my recommendation is you keep it professional and knock the boozy tactile behaviour on the head. It's not about labelling women as a danger to men. It's about accountability.

You and your boss are making his wife feel like shit, that doesn't make her the problem (for being human) and that on it's own should be enough for you to put a stop to this yet you're on here looking for permission to carry on.... well you won't be getting it from me.

Pack it in.

Ddot · 21/11/2020 18:36

Maybe I'm wrong but sounds like your boss is testing the water. Wants to dudge if your interested.

Thinkingthinking · 21/11/2020 19:00

I don’t think you’ve been in any way inappropriate. Pre Covid my DH would frequently go on work trips with various female colleagues, often just the two of them. They would stay in nice hotels, go our for boozy dinners and definitely hug to say hello or well done on a good job etc.

I have absolutely no problem with this as I trust him completely. Just because his colleague is female doesn’t mean that they want to jump into bed together. There are such things as friendships between men and women.

As you’ve said, you’re happily married and presumably your husband takes no issue with your work friendships?

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/11/2020 19:17

@Pumperthepumper I was referring to my experience, not the OP’s.

Pumperthepumper · 21/11/2020 19:21

[quote MrsSchadenfreude]@Pumperthepumper I was referring to my experience, not the OP’s.[/quote]
And your experience is there’s a direct correlation between men who cheat and have wives that don’t work?

Wilkie1956mog · 21/11/2020 19:47

If it was my husband I wouldn't like him hugging or having solo drinks with a female colleague after work. Not because I wouldn't trust him but just because it seems OTT. And to be honest, I would wonder if maybe the woman was after him. And again - there's a pandemic, so there shouldn't be any hugging. Rethink your behaviour.

Quietheart · 21/11/2020 19:56

@Ddot I agree he probably has form. Undermining his wife could be his method of testing the waters.

Ddot · 21/11/2020 20:01

Dont like the fact he is telling her how his wife is feeling

Ddot · 21/11/2020 20:06

Having said that I am a bitter and twisted old trout

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