To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

@Nanny0gg
What RL support do you have? Any family? Close friends?

I do have close friends but I’ve never felt comfortable complaining to them about DH.

@stschiap

Anyway, why have you had no TV on today? WTF? Because he claimed you were watching TV all day? Get that fucking TV back on if you want it

Because I’d rather sit in silence that have him tell me I have so much free time to myself to watch tv.
It’s just so funny that a few months ago he told me I wasn’t productive with my day as I didn’t do anything during my sons nap time.
He bloody suggested Netflix and now tells me I have plenty of free time.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

This is so deeply unattractive that my fanny is clenching shut at the very thought.

Oh god 🤣🤣🤣🤣

My DH had an issue with gaming when DD1 arrived. He seemed to see paternity leave as time off to game. He completely missed my PND and sobbing because he was glued to the computer every evening for weeks after she was born. He used it as a crutch when life was stressful and always had an obsessive personality. I gave him an ultimatum, me or the computer. We agreed he could have 2 nights a week playing it but he still had to be a dad during the following days. Honestly, he saw how things had gotten, and pretty much stopped the gaming. Now, he might do one evening every few weeks. He has bought the new PS5 and it's a novelty, but I know he now puts his kids first all the time and he isnt addicted to it.

Put your foot down, be straight with him, he needs to be told life is different now so he needs to adjust, or you will be reconsidering whether you stay with him, and you would be taking the kids if you leave. He needs a blunt wake up call. He is an adult, not a teenage boy anymore, and you have made sacrifices and changes, and he needs to too.

Because I’d rather sit in silence that have him tell me I have so much free time to myself to watch tv.

Dear @Dandylioness1
He is completely fucking with your head. Everyone with half a brain cell knows that having a baby does not mean you have free time to watch TV, even if the TV is on.
Please consider your future. Do you want to live like this for ever? Preferring to sit in silence because you don't want him going on at you about your free time.
This just sounds worse and worse the more you post.

I’m also amused by ‘taking the bins out’ how is that even a job?
Seriously how is that hard, time consuming work?

He's being a total knob. My partner was a total xbox addict when we first met (if he wasn't at work he was on it), but when we started TTC we agreed that he would greatly reduce the amount of time he spent gaming.

Our daughter is now almost two and he never plays it when she's awake. Only when she's in bed. I totally agree that you both need me time, but NOT at the expense of your partner or child. He needs to grow up.

I'm sorry OP but you need to get angry about this not upset.
You sound like a lovely lovely person who is absolutely being taken advantage of.
His words are not valid and you are trying to work out why he is saying it - he is saying about the free time because it's all he's got to throw at you.
He knows it's unfair, he knows he's being a twat and awful to you so he is attacking as the greatest form of defence.
You need to tell someone in real life - get their reaction - please find your anger and stick up for yourself - this is not fair - he is laughing at you and completely taking advantage of your good nature.
You are right, he is wrong - don't doubt yourself.

If nothing else, I wouldn't want my child growing up thinking that sitting behind a screen for hours is normal.

I'd leave him personally. He is disrespectful, rude and a shit role model.

A 36-year old bloke playing on a fucking x box?

Well @Nandakanda we're all wasting our time on Mumsnet so we're hardly in a position to lecture others on how they choose to use their free time.

Nope but I doubt many MNtters woulda have a strop because they can’t spend 4 hours on here. Or would put spending time on MN as more important than their dcs.

The issue here isn’t the activity. It’s the DH behaviour and his lack of responsibility as a father and partner

Good God, your DH should have grown out of the Xbox years ago. Teenagers 'game' these days but not grown men. Reading this nonsense makes me pleased not to be married these days....
Smash the Xbox and then ditch the husband.

There’s nothing wrong with gaming (or any hobby that’s legal)

There’s everything wrong with wanting to hog all the free time and guilting/manipulating/coercing your partner into hogging all the available free time eith bullshit about Netflix underneath a sleeping baby being ‘free time’

What an utter crock (and sadly not unusual)

He sounds like my 16 year old son

I can definitely see an "ignorant nobhead" in that situation and it isn't you OP

OP don't live like this.

It sounds such a miserable life.

I think it's crystal clear he's far more interested in playing xbox than he is parenting his own son, and I don't think there's anything that can be done to change that. If you try to 'force' him to give up his #1 priority, he'll just resent you for it, it will occupy his mind constantly anyway, and I'd imagine you'll find that he just makes a half-hearted attempt at feigning interest in whatever else it is he's supposed to be doing instead.

I'm a PC gamer myself, I made a decision years ago not to have children, mainly because I have no interest in children, but also because I recognise that I'm inherently selfish, and would begrudge giving up what I see as my right to occupy my time as I see fit in order to parent a child. It appears your partner seems to think that he's entitled to decide that xbox is a bigger priority than parenting, the problem here though is that I can actually take that decision with no consequences, he actually has a child.

I can understand why the thought of leaving him makes you uncomfortable OP, but if the arrival of a baby hasn't, in itself, made him realise his priorities are out of kilter, then I don't think an adult that he's already shown plenty of contempt for is going to be able change his habits either. You might get him to go through the motions, but I doubt he's going to have a 'lightbulb' moment, as I don't think he would ever accept that his priorities are wrong in the first place.

What a dickhead!

I am a gamer, have been since well before I had my DDs. DP is also a gamer, and not my DDs father. He moved in with us recently, after living solo and being able to game whenever he wanted to. It was, and still is, his main source of relaxation, and to an extent, socialisation.

We both totally understand the balance of family life over gaming. We specifically choose games that we can pause, that don't need strict focus, that aren't in league tables requiring us to keep up with others, when we know we don't have dedicated gaming time. We make sure we get housework, cooking, shopping etc done and sorted, and make sure parenting comes first. If we want to play a game that takes focus, we organise our time so we're done with chores, and can game once the girls are asleep.

He's an ignorant knobhead for not understanding how gaming AND parenting work together. And he's an arse for being so damn rude to you without provocation.

Oh OP. I feel for you. When I divorced my exH I actually stated his gaming as one of the reasons. I mean, he was a selfish manchild in all areas of his life, but his gaming was a core area of his prickish behaviour.

I'm raging for you that he thinks you get more time to yourself than him. I think you need to leave him with your DS for the day and see if he still shares that view.

He should be taking his fair share of caring for your DS. 50% of everything. Night feeds, baths and time off should be equal.

Dont stand for this. Seriously, suggest to him I'd you were to divorce him he'd get 100% of childcare half the time ...

He needs to have sole charge of your DS for a day or two. It’s hard work looking after a small child!

We all play games in my house but they never take over (apart from son playing fortnite). I sometimes play mobile games watching tv or I’ll go on my pc while my husband goes on console. But I don’t really have proper time for gaming any more. You don’t with kids. My husband puts more time in but he works in the industry so has to to an extent. He still doesn’t make me go to bed so he can play games.

Good God, your DH should have grown out of the Xbox years ago. Teenagers 'game' these days but not grown men. Reading this nonsense makes me pleased not to be married these days....
Smash the Xbox and then ditch the husband

The good old 'adults don't game' ignorance alive and well eh?

How on earth is gaming any different to sitting in front of a TV? Presumably you view anyone who routinely watches Strictly, Eastenders etc similarly, i.e. an immature manbaby/overgrown infant?

The fact the gaming industry is worth umpteen times what the movie industry is would suggest that it's pretty damn obvious it's absolutely a mainstream interest for people of all ages, and always has been. Back in the 80's when home computing was all the rage, who do you think was actually writing the games primary school kids and spotty teenagers were playing? It wasn't children.

The cinema - a venue for overgrown children who can't separate reality from fiction, and prefer to live in a world of make-believe. Books, similar, what a load of nonsense for complete fantasists who can't act like the adults they are, eh?

The adults don't game shit is really annoying. My husband and I both play on the ps4 and the switch but not to the detriment of our relationship

My ex was like this, gaming is his obsession and life felt very lonely with him. Even when he has our daughter, she says she barely spends time with him because he's busy gaming which I find sad.
It's literally the most important thing to him. He hasn't paid child support during this (or last) lockdown because he's been furloughed and apparently can't afford the tiny amount he gives me but was able to prioritise buying the brand new PlayStation 5 yesterday... I'll never be in a relationship with a gamer again. I know not everyone is the same but being second best to a piece of electronic wasn't what I envisaged for my marriage and certainly not for my daughter.

I'm a huge gamer so I know the lure of the console but he is being a total a*hole, no two ways about it. He can concentrate on his game but not on his kid? Disgusting!

But don't smash the Xbox up it's done nothing wrong, post it to me instead so I can trade it in for new games

The reason your DS always settles for you is because of the relationship you have built with him. You don't give up when he cries. You don't give up and hand him to someone else when he's being hard work. My dh spent hours walking our children in their prams to give me a break. When they didn't settle at night he paced the living room singing prog rock songs to them. He didn't just pass them back! It takes effort and love. It sounds like your dh would rather invest his effort and love in gaming than in his family.

How on earth is gaming any different to sitting in front of a TV? Presumably you view anyone who routinely watches Strictly, Eastenders etc similarly, i.e. an immature manbaby/overgrown infant

Well for a start you can pause strictly, or the soaps or any other tv programme and go and carry with your life.you can watch stuff on catch up etc
With a game you are quite often live so you cannot pause sometimes for hours

I'm sorry but when you have lived with an immature man baby who checks out of family life who wont eat his tea because he cant pause the game and throws his controller at the telly because hes lost it been kicked then you really dont get it.

As I said before the xbox ruled our lives and I will never have one in the house again