To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

YANBU. My spouse and I are both gamers and your 'D'H is the knobhead here who doesn't understand gamers and parenting. He's mistaking 'gamers' for 'bachelors with no other life' rather than gaming as potentially a fun challenge, but still a hobby as it is for most people. Some make it a job, but your DH isn't in with those people (and even many of those who've had kids balance it like any other job).

It's a balancing act like any other hobby. Sometimes parents have to do without, and sometimes we combine them. When my kids were small, we often gamed with them on us or rocking them in their little seat because that's what kept them asleep (we did the same while watching TV or reading or any other hobby). Yes, we had to talk quietly at times, but we could still chat for most of it. I got this big wrap around pillow and my oldest would nap against my stomach in the early months and my spouse would joke his stomach is big enough to do that without the pillow. I have this adorable picture of my spouse playing some playstation game while sitting on the floor with then toddler-DS1 playing with an unplugged controller on his lap and DD1 dozing in her rocking seat next to him. Now, especially with lockdown on, we game together at times, just like we go for walks together or other things. Gamers can be active parents too.

It sounds like he has this idealized idea of you and his brother's gaming life. I'm not sure how to solve that if he hasn't figured it out 9 months in that caring for babies isn't 'free time' (though I suspect he has which is why he won't do the caring while playing games, he just thinks it's somehow logical to claim it's free time for you. Also really don't get how a boxset is productive - not everything needs to be productive, but a boxset isn't it) or that being jobless guy with that much 'free time' is a vulnerable, draining position to be in.

Really, his attitude was my worst nightmare when I had my first - that all those promises of wanting a family and what we had before would turn into me doing everything and being seen as lazy if I couldn't do it cheerfully. Thankfully, my spouse kept his word. I wouldn't have had a second if he had been the same kind of asshole as yours is. While I don't have a solution, maybe discussing what he was expecting when you had a child and if this is his idea of a family might help - it won't avoid an argument, but I think that may be needed if you're going to get anywhere. What he's putting you through in the name of gaming is ridiculous. My teenager who literally lists on his schedule his time for electronics and time without has better self control and an idea of gaming.

So he's asking you to leave the room so he can indulge in his hobby.

I can't really see what more you need to know OP. Sorry to sound off but it couldn't be any clearer to me from just this alone. He is putting his Xbox above family life and quality time with his wife when the DC is asleep.

There is no future for this realtionship. You are solidly in the role of facilitator here only. He sees you as doing all the background work in his life so he can come home and game. When he is drying the few posts and doing the few things he must do to avoid a row, you know he would rather be gaming.

Few pots Bloody fat fingers!

My husband can be the same except with PC gaming.

It's like dealing with a petulant teenager isn't it.

Have u ou told him. It's like dealing with a 14year old and you had thought you were married to a grown man.

My DH didn't like it but he stopped the selfish hours and hours long stints staring at the sodding computer.

DH asked if could play again Sunday

You've got two children.
I probably would smash it to bits but i am a bit mental clearly stated no gamers or bike wankers on my online dating profile because I have no time for DHs (dear husbands or dickheads delete as appropriate) who want to dodge family life

Basically I told him he was acting like a 14 year old and this made him both useless and EXTREMELY unattractive and that if he ever wanted to sleep with me again he had better start acting like the adult he is.

But then I pull no punches.

He needs to start pulling his weight and bonding more with his child and then he would be able to settle him so you can go out

This arrangement totally suits him.

I can't imagine asking my husband to leave the room so I could game, that's just bizarre. It's hardly a hobby that requires total isolation to concentrate on. Even if it was, he doesn't get to kick you out of a shared space like a living room because of it.

Both me and DH are PC gamers for the most part, but if one of us wants to use a console and therefore take over the TV we do it in moderation and do it at times that make it inconvenient for the other person.

Bloody hell woman! He asks you to go to bed so he can play?!?! Omg. You've been alone with DS all day and he doesn't sit and chat with you? Does he do all the other jobs that need doing - bins, garden, car maintenance, shopping, appointments? Or does he go to work, play with his sone for half an hour and then settle down to a nice gaming session in peace, satisfied he is a good father and husband? Oh dear oh dear. I'd read the riot act tbh

Actually, here's an example of how actual adult gamers behave. During the first lockdown, when DH wasn't able to work and the kids were home but largely playing in their room or the garden, he had the opportunity to game but instead took the chance to get stuff done around the house and saved gaming for the evening. He said he felt guilty gaming when there was more useful stuff to be doing.

Read your updates.

He is a complete dick OP.

He doesnt look after his child because he is too tired and its self inflicted. If I was too ill or tired to look after my own child and it was self inflicted (occasionally this happens with a hangover) I recognise this is shit and apologise and do more of my share when I've recovered.

Most people would be upset if they really needed to sleep and their partner not only refused to look after the baby so they could do that because they had self inflicted tiredness, but in fact their partner then decided to make the problem worse by doing more of whatever made them tired in the first place.

So you're upset at his behaviour and tell him you dont think it's reasonable. Instead of taking this on board and listening to what you're saying and if he can change anything, he calls you names? And refuses to apologise?

I personally think name calling and belittling is a red line in a relationship. There is a world of difference between 'I dont like your behaviour because x y z and it has this effect on me' and 'you're a (pick and insult)'

I also think that objectively his behaviour is poor both in refusing to help you and in calling you a knobhead, yet he has somehow managed to get you thinking that you've done something wrong by not understanding gaming. It shows that the dynamics of this relationship are all wrong, you are bending over backwards to try and understand him when most people would just be pissed off, and he is the other extreme in refusing to look at his own shitty behaviour and trying to manipulate you into thinking it's all your fault.

It isn't your fault and it isnt acceptable. Calling you names and actually justifying it by saying you deserve it etc is nasty and manipulative and worse than the actual gaming itself in my opinion.

Do you really want to be with someone who acts like a knobhead but thinks you are the knobhead?

Ok tell your DH that on Saturday your going to swap for just one day, that on Sunday he can game for 24 hours
Can you read a book or just use his box to play a simple game.
The rules are he can't ask you to do anything he won't normally do.
Get him to write down the rules.
Let's see how he likes your life.

I’m a dad. I was like this before I became a dad.

He needs to grow the hell up.

@HMSSophie

Does he do all the other jobs that need doing - bins, garden, car maintenance, shopping, appointments?

To be fair to him, he is always the one who puts the bins out.
He will do a few loads of washing, he’s the one who vacs our stairs.

He’s been working from home a few days a week so I do his lunch for him.
I always do our evening meal, it’s ready for when he gets in.
I wash up as I go so there’s never many pots to wash.
He will dry up and put away and then clear DS highchair and dining room whilst I do bath time and get DS ready for bed.

We’ve always had shooing delivered (even pre DS) he does that online.
We get it delivered on a Friday and he will sit and do it Thursday night.
Last night I said I wanted to do it (felt like it would be some time alone for me)
But he said I take too long and DS was unsettled (really struggling with teeth ☹️) so he did it and I went up with DS.

I could always come back down again but the unsettled nights have got me so tired that to be honest I welcomed the early night.

@Londonmummy66

So they can chat on their headsets and play whilst DC naps on him -if that isn't free time for him its not free time for you either as you cant have a chat on your phone...

This is where I disagree, life should not stop just in case you disturb your baby, our midwife always told us that parents make the mistake of fitting in around the baby rather than the other way round, and she was correct.

I was a gamer until I had my first child (aged 29). Then I put away childish things as I felt keenly my new responsibilities to raise and care for this tiny human. I never gamed again until quite recently when I play with my now teens, which is great fun.

Sadly however if the 36 year old child you have procreated with cannot manage to think his way though this, I doubt you will have much luck with changing him either.

Can you imagine being with a grown up man who wants to happily participate in your home life and enjoy raising a child with you? They do exist, and your life would be so much better with one of them. He needs a wakeup call, and if he chooses the basement dwelling loser life over real life, dont let him drag you down with him.

Our DD is nearly 4 now, but as avid gamers we both agreed, if the baby is awake no one plays games end of discussion. Even now we stick to this rule. We now play of an evening, granted at 4 years sleep is much better, but even in the early days she would nap a couple hours at a time.

He is taking the piss.

But could he be addicted? It sounds strange but this is a real thing and can be incredibly damaging to the person and their close relationships? His anger and insistence might suggest this? Counselling sounds like a good plan.

He’s a spoiled child

Having little kids is shit. You can’t do the things you want to do and it’s just tough. You get hardly any free time. He needs to grow up and realise that.

To fix your current situation you need a schedule. During the day he’s working and you’re doing childcare, so that’s fair. Outside of work hours you need to divide the time equally so both of you get the same number of hours alone. If he’s tired it’s tough, that doesn’t get him off the hook. It shouldn’t be necessary to go to this extreme but it obviously is because he’s behaving like a child.

@turquoisebaby

Our DD is nearly 4 now, but as avid gamers we both agreed, if the baby is awake no one plays games end of discussion. Even now we stick to this rule. We now play of an evening, granted at 4 years sleep is much better, but even in the early days she would nap a couple hours at a time.

@turquoisebaby

As a gamer, what would you say is a reasonable amount of time for him to spend on his Xbox?

I didn’t want to dictate to him, but I don’t have any hobbies that I feel like “need” to do.

Sure I have lots I enjoy, but if I don’t get to do them, I accept it’s because DS takes priority, household chores etc and then if I have time my hobbies or some time to myself.

The difference is, DH will get moody and miserable if he hasn’t had his Xbox fix.

He had a good 8 hours over the weekend and then still wanted more time last night.

As a gamer, what would you say is a reasonable amount of time for him to spend on his Xbox?

Surely the answer is 'whatever amount of time doesn't negatively affect family life, your relationship or require one person to be default parent around the clock'? It will be different for everyone (like with any hobby / activity).

There's no point putting an arbitrary number of hours on the clock - he would only see it as his 'right' to have that amount of time once agreed and show no flexibility on it.

Honestly OP he doesn't sound like a very nice person, I don't think it's the gaming per se, I think it's who he is.

He thinks you sit on your arse all day and that being constantly responsible for a baby that is stuck to your body is the same as alone time... yet when you went out for two hours ONCE he said baby was doing his head in and thank god you're back? So that wasn't free time for him was it?

This is veering into misogyny. Why does he think he has the right to ask the mother of his child to leave the room, with his child, so he can play games? He isn't treating you like he likes you, let alone loves you.

I grew up with gamers and I admit that the fact DH wasn't a gamer was a major part of me considering him as a marriage partner. I'm more of a gamer than he is, but as soon as DC1 was born, I thought it best to give it up completely than trying to balance the two. DH has subsequently become quite a Pokemon addict, but what's nice is that he involves out son, and they go out (well, pre Covid) together to catch Pokemon and meet new people (DH isn't very sociable). DH never neglects us due to a game, and I'm eternally grateful.

A close family member of mine is now separating from her DP over his PlayStation and neglect of their son (he'd complain about having to pick him up from school, neglect him during babysitting etc). I also have gamer friends who balance their lives very well. It's an individual thing, and OP, your DH isn't being fair.

"The difference is, DH will get moody and miserable if he hasn’t had his Xbox fix.

He had a good 8 hours over the weekend and then still wanted more time last night."

He's an addict. Maybe do some googling and read up about it.....? Of course addicts do need to accept it to be able to change...

He is daft really - the more hands on he is with dc, the more time he gives to you and his son, the more likely you are to accept the gaming in his true downtime.

Because he isn't pulling his weight in the family category then the entire gaming one is the issue.