To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

I’m just really starting to doubt myself now.

DH isn’t wrong, I do get more chance than him to check my phone and watch tv (only is DS nap time)
But to me that never really feels like “me” time, you know?

When we spoke he said he doesn’t get any spare time all day and when he comes home he just needs to unwind from work like I do during the day.

But I don’t feel like I’m unwinding. I’m not saying that it’s not hard for him being at work, but it’s definitely not just a sit down all day type of “job” being at home with a baby.

Today I was tempered to leave him alone all day with DS the only reason I didn’t is I didn’t want to unsettle my son.

OP, this is so very sad. I promise you, if you do not urgently go to counseling your relationship will fail. It will be divorce or a lifetime of bitterness and a child that grows up with a damaged view of what a relationship should be. Counselling may not fix it, but without it you have absolutely no chance. If he will not do it walk away. Walk away, please walk away.

You don’t feel you are unwinding because you are not.
If he thinks this is unwinding then he hasn’t had the experience to look after his own child in a regular basis.

Seriously, leave him to it. It will do a lot of good to him and your child and their Relationhsip.

I don't see the problem with him playing in the evening after the baby has gone to bed. Also, you really need to get your baby into a proper nap schedule where they sleep in their crib so you can also have some time to yourself.

So if u text him in the day he never replied? He never looks at his phone ALL day??

Seeing as he barely looks after your son, and when he does it's while u do other jobs, for u both, your job is 24/7. You are always on call. He isn't , because he won't. He puts himself first.

Btw, my own DH was very much along the same lines. Clearly thinking that I was doing fuck all during the day and getting annoyed because there was a few toys lying around in the house when he was coming back home.

Then I started working some weekends and he had to look after the dcs on his own. His tune changed within a couple of weekends. Instead of coming back home grumpy things were not to his standards (or he didn’t it as easy etc...), he started to ask very tentatively if I was Ok and how was the day. Because he knew then. But he only learnt when HE experienced it himself. It’s like those men just cannot trust what we say as women unless they experienced it and then, and only the, it’s be coming a reality.

@Goldencurtain

OP, this is so very sad. I promise you, if you do not urgently go to counseling your relationship will fail. It will be divorce or a lifetime of bitterness and a child that grows up with a damaged view of what a relationship should be. Counselling may not fix it, but without it you have absolutely no chance. If he will not do it walk away. Walk away, please walk away.

@Goldencurtain

How would I even initiate something like counselling? I’m assuming we’d have to go private.

It’s just made me feel so rubbish everything he’s said.

Can I also gently point out that your son will never settle for him until you start handing over some care. As hard as that may sound....

@GG999

I don't see the problem with him playing in the evening after the baby has gone to bed. Also, you really need to get your baby into a proper nap schedule where they sleep in their crib so you can also have some time to yourself.

@GG999

He has a nap schedule, he sleeps fine but he prefers to take his naps on me, or if we’re out in the sling / pram.

I happy with him not being in his cot during the day time. I don’t really see that as being an issue.

Happy for DH to have Xbox time when our son is in bed, but DH never does the bedtime routine, it’s always fallen to me, and recently DS has hit a regression and is teething so hasn’t been settling on an evening.
I’m upstairs trying to get him down as DH is chilling on his Xbox until early hours!

I could go down when DS has settled but I always feel tired and just end up going to bed myself.

Does he have a lunch break at work?

@PrayingandHoping

Can I also gently point out that your son will never settle for him until you start handing over some care. As hard as that may sound....

@PrayingandHoping

I guess I will have to start, but I’ve just naturally taken the role of “default” parent and whenever we’ve tried DH taking over, DS is unsettled so I just step in, which I know I probably shouldn’t.

He’s basically being a dick. The ‘me time’ is significantly reduced once you have a baby. No one has enough.

I’m totally with you on this one. He is being so selfish.

However, I do think this could be really rectified if you could get DS to sleep somewhere else other than on your which is defo possible. Even if you walk him in the pram and sit on a bench and read a book you might feel better. You could then move on to rocking him to sleep in the pram at home.

@ladygracie

Does he have a lunch break at work?

@ladygracie

Yes he does. And I know he gets time at work.
I used his laptop a few days ago and saw his history. He’s always on the bloody internet.

Ps I wasn’t snooping, but when you onto the Google search bar and type, it brings a list up of the last few searches.

I think changing that would be a starting point. When you are both home then you joint parent.... even if it's a set rota that certain nights he does bedtime and u get to go out for a walk/ watch tv and on your nights he gets to play his precious x box

@Brownfrown

Even if you walk him in the pram and sit on a bench and read a book you might feel better. You could then move on to rocking him to sleep in the pram at home.

I’ll give this a try. Thanks. ☺️

My DP is like this on occasion. He doesn't seem to understand that even when DD is asleep, I'm still "on duty". There's no time when your brain is able to entirely switch off. If I do I'm always thinking of the next thing I need to do.

We've had enormous arguments and on occasion I've just got up and left the house. Much easier when there wasn't a global pandemic!

I can't say we've resolved the issue but making sure he spends more time with DD means he can see my point of view more readily.

I've read all your posts but not all the replies.

Several things jump out at me. Well, the main thing is that he's a twat, but I'll try to break it down into more constructive points.

Firstly he is utterly clueless and lacking in empathy and appreciation about what you are doing as the mother of his child.
"He said that he feels like his job never ends as he’s working all day and then comes home to more work at home."
That's bullshit, he has a lunch break at work and when he gets home he "helps" a small amount, then does gaming for hours and then has an uninterrupted night's sleep.
You're the one whose job literally never ends, because you're on maternity and breastfeeding a baby, so you are literally on call 24/7. Sitting watching tv or looking at your phone while feeding/holding the baby while the nap is not "me time", it can be utterly boring and frustrating when you're absolutely dying to put baby down (or give baby to someone else) and go to the toilet, make yourself a drink/snack with both hands, or do whatever you want without juggling a baby at the same time.

Secondly, he is addicted to gaming. I expect the usual rules of addiction apply. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. He will only address his addiction if he wants to, and it sounds as if that's the last thing he wants. He is nasty to you when you try to prevent him from gaming

Thirdly, he insulted you and didn't apologise. That's verbal abuse. It's one of the basic principles of a relationship that it's NOT OK to insult each other, and that if we do lose our temper and insult each other, we apologise afterwards. If he's not willing to accept that insulting you was wrong and apologise, he doesn't respect you and there's no much of a basis for a relationship there.

Couple's counselling might possibly help but only if he's willing to engage with it and if you get a very good counsellor.

It doesn't sound hopeful tbh. The worst thing is that instead of being angry with him (which you should be) you seem to taking his twattish comments to heart and allowing him to make you feel like shit. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DAMAGE YOUR SELF ESTEEM LIKE THIS. You are parenting pretty much single handedly (let's not pretend that his half hearted occasional help is making much difference) and you're doing a damn good job. You are a wonderful mother and you’d be a good partner too if he was at all interested in spending time with you. He's a fool and it's his fucking loss for missing out on his wife and child.

Perhaps get some counselling for yourself. At the very least you should do something for yourself once a week whether it's a walk with a friend or whatever you can do atm that you would enjoy. WITHOUT BABY.

Oh and if you're not getting much milk from expressing, could you not just let baby have formula on the occasions you want to leave baby with him and have a break?

@GG999

I don't see the problem with him playing in the evening after the baby has gone to bed. Also, you really need to get your baby into a proper nap schedule where they sleep in their crib so you can also have some time to yourself.

Yes. So easily done. And have you read all the OP's posts?

When we spoke he said he doesn’t get any spare time all day and when he comes home he just needs to unwind from work like I do during the day.

No. This is bullshit. You are not unwinding all day, you are providing full time care for a baby as well as doing housework and cooking dinner etc etc. This is not unwinding. Agree with pp, get him to try it, see how relaxing he finds it.

For me being at work is easier than being at home with the baby. That’s just my experience but work feels like a break to me, at least I can have a cuppa in peace there! Op leave him with your ds and he’ll see it’s not down time. Full time childcare is not a day off, or a holiday. It’s a job, and important and hard job!

I’ve just had another thought, he gets to go out and see people it’s so lonely for a first time mum at home all day with a baby, especially now in a pandemic. OP you need to get angry here he’s being really unfair to you. We are not all saying this because we are stirring things up, we either have gone through it before and have experience or have a partner who supports us and doesn’t feel the way your partner does.

I couldn't put up with this! Me and dp both enjoy gaming occasionally but no hobby should rule your lives.

I would be really sad if he wanted me to go to bed early on his birthday so he could play xbox.

Our TV hasn't been plugged in for 4 days and it has been bliss!

I had a baby in January and my husband is a gamer so fairly similar. It took us a while to settle in to a routine but now things feel pretty fair. We take it in turns to put baby to bed. DH doesn't find it as easy to get to sleep but he always takes his turn and has a good try before asking me to step in if the little guy is super grumpy.

If your DH never has to do any of the baby care work, he'll never appreciate how much hard work it is. I think you need to accept that your DS will be unsettled but not unsafe with his dad, and make him take on more responsibility.

I've just read this whole thread and really hope you can find the confidence to leave this complete arsehole.

I assume that you're not married, if I were you I would be returning to work full time to protect myself and my DC.

AnotherEmma nailed it there