To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

He is an addict it seems.

*Well for a start you can pause strictly, or the soaps or any other tv programme and go and carry with your life.you can watch stuff on catch up etc With a game you are quite often live so you cannot pause sometimes for hours I'm sorry but when you have lived with an immature man baby who checks out of family life who wont eat his tea because he cant pause the game and throws his controller at the telly because hes lost it been kicked then you really dont get it.

As I said before the xbox ruled our lives and I will never have one in the house again*

Right, so from this, you've concluded that this is the norm for ALL adult gamers, and therefore, you won't have a games console in the house.

The problem there is your arsehole partner, not the games console.

He’s been working from home a few days a week so I do his lunch for him.
I always do our evening meal, it’s ready for when he gets in.

Stop all that now. He can get his own lunch like all other adults without servants do. He can come home and either help you cook or take the baby. And you tell him that you aren't doing these things because after being accused of watching TV all day, you thought you might as well do that since it's what he thinks anyway. It's that old cartoon where the husband comes home to chaos and the wife says 'I thought the best way to show you what I do all day was not to do it'.

You can pause all games. Unless you are playing them online. Though tbf a lot of the gaming addicts do probably tend to play online.

But saying no more consoles in the house ever, is a bit like saying no more alcohol in the house ever. Just because one edjit overdoes it and ruins it for everyone.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who took so little interest in his own child, not matter what the reason.

You're coming at this all wrong OP, it's not about getting opinions on here from gamers and finding out what's acceptable for gamers. It's about asking yourself what's acceptable for you.
Him saying things like "you don't understand what its like as a gamer" is completely wrong. It's about him not understanding what it's like to be a father and a partner. That's what he needs to learn. But it seems he's unwilling to see it from any point of view but his own and seems the least understanding person.
Please find the strength to demand what you and your son deserve and nothing less. I completely agree with previous posters who say leave him with your child for a day. No harm will come to him, but your partner needs to experience what it takes to look after a child. But we all know one day will only scrape the surface.

It sounds weird that your husband is asking if he can play his game.

Gaming aside, no hobby should stop you looking after your own child so he is out of order for that.

Op, maybe you need to let him see this thread, there's many actual gamer and partner who is gamer on this thread. He needs to realise that the games won't go away even if he took some break or played less, but precious moments with his child will.

@pastandpresent

Op, maybe you need to let him see this thread, there's many actual gamer and partner who is gamer on this thread. He needs to realise that the games won't go away even if he took some break or played less, but precious moments with his child will.

Don't show him this thread. He absolutely won't thank you or be repentant on seeing you've shared this online and got these sorts of responses. It'll be like pouring oil on a flaming PlayStation.

No i wont have one in the house again
It brings back so many horrible horrible memories of our lives with him.

He was abusive, he stole my money, he lost jobs because of his addiction to the xbox.

He destroyed my life.
If the xbox was alcohol I absolutely would not have that in the house either.

My own son was addicted to the bloody thing until he was 18..same thing would not come of it, as he was playing live all the time,would not get up for school, grew violentl when I put rules in place.

Quite a few friends I have whose partners are gamers have said the same thing..the xbox always comes first.

Yes perhaps there are sensible gamers out there. Good for them.

For me its personal. If other people want games consoles fine,

My ex gripped me round the throat in front of my kids once because I asked him to come of the xbox.

So for me the xbox will never play foot in my house again. Too many bad memories

[quote Dandylioness1]@TheoriginalLEM

So on his birthday you had to make yourself scarce to give him time on his xbox???? I think that says it all really

I felt quite sad by this too, but we did go out for a walk during the day together so then I felt like I was being unreasonable.[/quote]
you weren't. I can't believe he is 36 as opposed to 12. You deserve better

He needs to pull his weight.

I've always been a gamer, since our 1st child 13 years ago, that time is down from an hour or two per day to an hour or two per week.

13 years and 6 children later I've gotten pretty good and with a bit of concentration can settle a baby to sleep on my shoulder and play on the xbox at the same time, but dossing you off completely isn't on.

He needs to readjust his headspace to realise the xbox is what happens once everything including attending to your needs has been taken care of.

He is a child.

Good God, your DH should have grown out of the Xbox years ago. Teenagers 'game' these days but not grown men. Reading this nonsense makes me pleased not to be married these days....

Give over. Gaming is for all ages. The target audience for many games is adults. It's adults who have the disposable income to purchase consoles and games regularly.

Yes, some parents will choose to buy 13 year olds games for adults but gaming has always been a hobby for adults.

@SantaSpreadsCovid yes, absolutely.

It is completely normal for people in their 30s and 40s to have gaming as a hobby. They are the generation that saw the birth of games consoles. A lot of them have fond memories of receiving these early consoles for Christmas or birthdays when they were little. They grew up gaming and the magic has stuck with them. They are a huge part of the target market for major console companies and it's just pure ignorance of the industry to not understand this.

It's not the gaming. It's the arsehole DH.
If his hobby wasn't gaming but LARPing, cycling, art, modelling, you name it, this arsehole would be exactly the same.
He's truly awful and now the OP's not even switching the TV on because she doesn't want him going on about her having so much free time she can watch TV.
He needs to fuck off somewhere else. The OP is bringing up her child alone anyway and at least if she was officially single she could do what the fuck she liked in her own home.

DP is a gamer but we've never had any issues with this as from the minute our children are born he's hands on 50/50 and at times more like 60/40 as his Dad wasn't much of a Dad to them as kids.

What we do is alternative nights putting the youngest to bed. DP works late but even if it's his night to do bedtime he's straight in the door in time to do it. Then once DD is asleep he'll come downstairs and chill on the xbox for a while and I'll watch a boxset.

This will get worse if you don't make some sort of arrangement now. If you have no intentions of kicking him out then you need to sit down and have a chat telling him you get that he needs to game which is fine as long as he agrees to be more hands on at bedtimes and when DS is upset. Of course DS is going to want you to console him if DH keeps handing him over everytime he cries. It's just making things harder in the long run. Get a routine going for DS and DH and stick to it.

Hope you're OK OP

I spoke with DH today to try and clear the air.

I don’t feel like it’s cleared the air, more that I’ve provoked him.

He said that he feels like his job never ends as he’s working all day and then comes home to more work at home.

He clearly feels like what I do all day isn’t much in comparison to what he does.

He said he isn’t able to watch tv at all during the day, or he can’t message his friends like I do.

He feels like I have more free time because I’m able to do this.

It’s not like I sit on my phone all day.
When DS naps I will reply to a few messages, usually from my NCT group and we’ll be talking about the babies!

He seems to think me being on my phone or watching tv is having “me” time and therefore he should be having Xbox time for at least an hour every night too.

I don’t disagree that he’s entitled to time to himself, I want him to have that.

It’s really frustrating though that he’s using my phone / TV time during DS naps as an comparison to him getting time on his Xbox.

Op- leave him all day at home on a Saturday with DS. Then he may see things differently. If he doesn’t appreciate all you, leave him,

So why isn’t he prepared to watch DS on a weekend then if it’s so easy and ‘me time’?

He's a total prat

Time for u to downtools and make him look after the baby all day for him to see that it's not easy!!

I know that's hard as the baby won't settle for him but to me, that screams the issue that his baby isn't bonded enough with him! He needs to step up. He sounds an utter brat.

As before, you need to leave him with DS for the day - then he can see how much free time you have

I think the only way to make him understand is to leave him to look after your child for a few days.