To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

YANBU

You live with a complete idiot, do us all a favour in this thread... drop kick that fucking Xbox into next year and your DH too.

Stop trying to justify his 'gaming' he's not a 'gamer' he doesn't get paid to do it! He sounds like my 8 year old SS but even he knows if he's got shit to do the PS doesn't get turned on!

You need to have a proper sit down with him and tell him if he wants to be a part of the family then the Xbox goes end of story!

You need to pull your finger out your arse and tell him what you need/want from your husband to help with his child!

I can’t believe he speaks to you like that, and his head is still attached, he’d be carrying it under his arm if he were anything to do with me. He’s a selfish manchild, and not an equal partner. Get rid, it won’t get better

I will if you will. The amount of arguments in this house iver the xbox is a joke. Its constant. Every single evening. From when kids go to bed until he wants to go to bed. Its really getting on my nerves and no amount of talking about it makes a blind bit of difference. Just causes a row!

Sounds like you were both living separate lives before baby came along, and I would simply disconnect the internet until the message has sunk in.

stage a break in, sell xbox and & spend proceeds on yourself

@Dandylioness1

This really jumps out. .

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

I think I would have responded something along the lines if gum being a nobhead for not understanding his parental responsibilities

I was with him until he was too tired to look after the baby for two hours because of it. YANBU.
It sounds rather as if he is "an ignorant knobhead who doesn't understand about parental responsibilities".

Sorry as it has been said before, but he sounds exactly like my 14 yr old DS, not my DH.

DH used to be a bit of a gamer, but the difference was he would look after DS as well. Although it took us a bit of time to figure out that listening to COD was probably contributing to DSs poor sleeping habits .

DH hasn't really gamed for years, but a few months ago bought himself a games monitor and has restarted, but really only for an hour or so if I'm doing something else (watching The Crown) or after I've gone to bed.

You need to start going out and leaving him to it. Sure baby will be unsettled the first few times, but he is the DF so he needs to step up. If he won't or can't, then I'd be questioning the point of having him in your lives.

@Dandylioness1 I feel for you as I find myself in the same situation except my partner does not ask he just sits upstairs in his gaming room on his days off and when I ask him to have DS he sits the child beside him on a chair propped up by cushions and sticks on baby sensory on YouTube and still games away. It is destroying our relationship to the point I have told him if things don't change I am going to leave as I am unhappy. He is usually good for a day or two then back to old habits. He does FA around the house no dishes hoovering washing nada. When I say I don't gt me time he says that's your fault cuz u always think you need to hold and play with the baby just let him be and watch ur TV . Anyway I'm not going back to work early as fed up so let's see how he will last. I think we may just need to leave kids with DD for the full day so they understand we don't get tv time and all this shite.

Who is raising these pillocks? Why are they reaching adulthood not having learned what being an adult involves or looks like?
My Dad was what I call a proper man. He used to make things and maintain things and grow things and had interest in things that were adult things to be interested in. Nothing would have got him playing a computer game. He would consider it for an 8yo maximum. When there were hedges to cut, chimneys to sweep, the car needed oil and the spuds needed earthing up he would have laughed at the prospect.
It's like some are only interested in childish pastimes now and it's not just men. I can see family and friends that seem to be regressing into childhood and not dealing with their life in an adult way. Men and women. We all had a £100 bonus at Christmas and a good 50% of the women I work with was planning on saving it to go to Disney World or spending it in the Disney shop and NONE of them have kids. One of them sits with a colouring book and pens she bought from QVC in her lunch break. When I oloaughed she said it's an adult colouring in book. Oh that makes it OK then but you are still colouring in peacocks and flowers just like a kid!

I find this baffling and worrying and not evolution at all.

Talking to them is like speaking to a child. They don't deal with the bills, the mortgage, the adult stuff of life. Some other poor sucker has to do it all for them presumably. They have pink fluffy things and unicorn shite all over their stuff and in the main they are like a collective of subjects in an experiment dealing with arrested development. Trying to get some actual work out them it's as if you have asked for a frigging kidney. What's going on?

@ThatsMeChickenArm
Spot on!

Unfortunately you have somewhat made a rod for your own back by always giving in and taking baby back to settle him. I get that it's the path of least resistance, both DS and DH are happy in the moment. But it sounds like your son barely even knows who his father is, of course he won't settle for him! And the cycle only continues.

It is fixable, but your DH has to want to fix it. You can't force him to be an active parent. I would be nervous about going out and leaving him to parent your son, it sounds like he'll be more likely to ignore the crying in his crib so he can continue to game.

Did he want to have a child, and just have no idea what is actually involved? Or did he do it because you wanted to and he went along to make you happy?

I feel so down in the dumps today.

When DS napped this morning I sat in silence. No tv.

The fact my husband thinks I have more free time than anyone he knows (himself and very few other people) has really really upset me.

I don’t even see the point in telling him this because he’s so adamant that he has less time than I do it will just result in more arguments.

By his logic you get time to yourself when you have the baby asleep on you, so therefore he should have time to himself when the baby is with him.

He’s a selfish twat OP.

@Fefifofaff

it sounds like your son barely even knows who his father is, of course he won't settle for him!

I wouldn’t say he doesn’t know who he is, it’s more a case of when DS is tried, or like recently when he’s struggling with teething and it’s affecting his sleep, he just wants to be with me. He won’t settle for DH for sleep.
During awake time he’s happy to play and be around his father.

it sounds like he'll be more likely to ignore the crying in his crib so he can continue to game.

In his defence he’s never done that, and I’d really like to think he never would.
He only ever games on an evening when DS is asleep but it’s always me that’s taken him up to sleep and recently with his teeth and sleep regression he’s been quite unsettled so it’s been easier for me to stay upstairs with him than be up and down.

Did he want to have a child, and just have no idea what is actually involved? Or did he do it because you wanted to and he went along to make you happy?

It was a joint decision to start a family.

DH is a gamer and he used to get up at 4am with our babies when they were newborns and take it downstairs and play PlayStation while they slept on him, and he’d let me have the longest lie in possible. I’d suggest that if he desperately wants more gaming time!

Tell him your confiscating it as it would appear you have two children not one. I'd honestly be wondering what good he brings to your life? If it's just financial get rid and get child maintenance

@Dandylioness1

I feel so down in the dumps today.

When DS napped this morning I sat in silence. No tv.

The fact my husband thinks I have more free time than anyone he knows (himself and very few other people) has really really upset me.

I don’t even see the point in telling him this because he’s so adamant that he has less time than I do it will just result in more arguments.

What RL support do you have? Any family? Close friends?

I would honestly give him the baby at the weekend and walk out alone.

Take yourself out even if it is just walking around town with a coffee and wandering around the open shops for a couple of hours.

He can see just how "easy" you have it.

I don't understand non stop gaming. What does anyone get out of it? There is nothing tangible

@Dandylioness1

I feel so down in the dumps today.

When DS napped this morning I sat in silence. No tv.

The fact my husband thinks I have more free time than anyone he knows (himself and very few other people) has really really upset me.

I don’t even see the point in telling him this because he’s so adamant that he has less time than I do it will just result in more arguments.

I’m sorry you’re down, but he’s a tool. He should be proud/grateful for you doing such an amazing job as his sons mum. You’re the one taking time out of your career, you’re the one who’s given up their body (pregnancy, feeding) you should be proud too. You’ve done so much and he’s complaining about only 4 hours on the x box!! He’s a tool!

I would not smash the x box. I would put the x box in a suitcase along with his clothes and tell him to fuck off back to his mummy if he wants to be a teenager again. You signed up to marry a man not a child. I could not live with someone like this who is mentally incapable of behaving like an adult and father and I certainly couldn't be in a relationship with him. This is so deeply unattractive that my fanny is clenching shut at the very thought.

To be fair to him, he is always the one who puts the bins out.

Another useless wanker but he puts the bins out so that's fine then! I had one of those. He thought putting the bins out meant he could do what the fuck he likes.
I don't get what this "bin putting out" business is anyway. It's a job that takes fuck all time and effort. I take rubbish outside on the way out of the house and shove it in the bin. I put the bins out when needed when I am either coming home or leaving the house. No extra effort involved.

Anyway, why have you had no TV on today? WTF? Because he claimed you were watching TV all day? Get that fucking TV back on if you want it. I have netflix on while doing house work, cooking, whatever - helps to keep my mood up when doing the jobs I don't particularly like

I knew a couple like this once. The day I heard him say "as I'm not getting any gaming time today I'll need double tomorrow" was the day I knew their marriage wouldn't last. It didn't.

What sticks out to me is that he says you have all this free time but you are doing none of your hobbies ie outdoors stuff because you are prioritising your son and yet apparently you have it better? And you at times concede this point?

He sounds like a complete knob. Did he even want a child? I saw you said it was a joint decision but he doesn't seem to want to sacrifice any of his time to bringing your child up. He's not committed to you, he's committed to his x box. Let them have a long happy life together but you don't have to be in it