To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

My little one was born in February too, and contact naps on me during the day. My husband is also a gamer and he plays Xbox most nights at the same time as I’m sat knitting or using my sewing machine once little one is down. She’s down usually by 8:30pm so we both get time for our downtime but also to spend together in the same room. I’m still on demand nursing so I’m up through the night when needed and he takes over at 6am.

Can your husband not play in the evenings when you can also rest/do hobby/relax? We are in the room next to baby, and also have a sound monitor to listen out.

Please don’t fall in to believing you are in the wrong. Firstly, the way he spoke to you was contemptuous, so disrespectful. Secondly, as a parent of a child under one why isn’t he grown-up enough to just know that priorities change??? Thirdly, how dare he say you should be doing something more productive with your days!!!! You are doing the most important things of securing a strong attachment for his child, keeping his child safe, healthy and loved. Would he say nursery staff are unproductive, or cooks, or cleaners???
My husband enjoyed gaming when he was single, reduced it heavily when we met as preferred my company and stopped gaming completely when his first child was born...now he’ll occasionally play if the teens ask him to. My activities were also drastically reduced - I didn’t whinge or call anybody names about it!
To be too tired to look after your child means you are exhausted and need to be in bed. He’s just yuck.

Ew, he sounds horrendous.

@SantaSpreadsCovid missing the point here but your username is an absolute corner

*corker! Not corner

No OP, that's bollocks about gaming being easier than watching a baby when you are tired. Being a gamer doesn't mean you are some special breed of human that mere mortals couldn't possibly understand, he's just a selfish lazy prat.

Console or baby

Your DP needs to decide which is more important and which he wants to put first. If he decides on the console then you need to move on

Imo once the child has gone to bed your DP can have game time and not a minute before unless, you get time off whilst he has dc and then vice versa

It sounds like you never get any time off. You have two dc and no adult partner right now. You need to sit him down and set him straight

We had to basically stop playing team/multiplayer games when our son was born. It was a big change as my partner ran a big 30 man raid team 2-3 times a week before. He arranged for someone else to take over after the birth. He still used to play of an evening, sometimes with the baby on him, but he knew not to make commitments in case baby woke for something. Its not forever.

However to compare the time your son is napping on you to 2 hours child free in the evening is crazy and needs nipping in the bud straight away. If he thinks its comparable then give him the baby to sleep on him while he plays O_o

[quote Dandylioness1]@BigBlueBow

* He sounds incredibly bitter about your maternity leave. I also think its really sad that he wanted his wife to go to bed early on his birthday so he can play xbox. Do you find him attractive? Id really struggle*

Honestly, I think he’s bitter too. Really I do.

A few months ago he told me I should be doing something productive with my day, I asked him what he suggested and he said watch a good series (which was odd he’d suggest that as I’ve really never been into Tv that much)

So I took his suggestion and it seems to have backfired.

I’ve always been attracted to DH’s personality (looks too) but recently I’m really not sure if I like him anymore 😔
His behaviour just isn’t nice but the worst thing is that he makes me feel like I’m the one that’s unreasonable.[/quote]
Its called 'gaslighting'

Time for a very serious talk. And don't be swayed.

@Bunnymumy

Depends what game you are playing as to how much concentration you need. I know I suck at new games and any game that requires focus like ones with shooting enemies. But some games are easy enough even when tired. Some are pretty relaxing.

Just a thought but, how about you ask him to introduce you to gaming? Theres something for everyone. Maybe if you asked for a night free per week to game yourself, whilst he watched the kids,he would be more understanding for his turns in future.

Thats not really expecting him to act like a grown up

There’s absolutely nothing worth saving about this marriage.

@Dandylioness1

I think you need to arrange to go out by yourself for a day and leave DS with your DH. Go see your family/friends. Tell DH he's looking after the baby, doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen and making dinner (or whatever your daily job list would be).

When you get back - ask him how he enjoyed his 'me time'. He clearly has no idea about what it is you do all day and is resentful as he assumes you're watching tv all day. The only way to correct that is for him to do what you do for a day.

He is a total arsehole. How can you bear that he’s so selfish he doesn’t care about you, or so stupid he doesn’t see that he’s being selfish? I really feel for you, what a twat he is.

I found it sad that for his birthday he wanted time on the Xbox...not to go on a walk or picnic with you and the baby, not to have a takeaway with you in the evening or to watch his favourite film together. He sounds addicted to gaming in the way 13 year old boys can be.
I would suggest he designs a programme to wean himself off it by 2021 or you'll be looking for a divorce.

It sounds like you're married to a teenager op. It's not very attractive, is it? Unfortunately it sounds like he has no intention of changing, so you're going to have a decision to make.

Terrible. It seems like the extra Xbox time has sparked a need for even more gaming (rather than satiating it).

Oh op hewont change
I spent 13 years with one such knobhead.

In fact he became that obsessed he checked out of anything family related, bought himself a sofa bed to stick in the front room so he could game when he wasnt at work and we lived like that fir years until I finally grew bollocks and threw him out. He was a shit dad as well as well as abusive

I bloody hate xboxes and ps whatever's. I wont have them in the house. Men who play them ugh, totally shrivels me up inside.

The issue he has with being too tired to look after his child Vs gaming is that having energy for children comes first. Same as with paid job, can't imagine if he worked nights his employer would be impressed with poor performance because he was gaming til 1am the night before.

My DH is a gamer so I can tell you what it is like to be married to an adult gamer who is also a committed parent if you like?

I don't know that I ever see him on his xbox tbh. Once a fortnight or so, maybe every 3 weeks, he joins his little brother online 10pm until midnight and they play but chat about things too, catch up etc. He plays when I'm out or busy with my own hobbies and when the DC are either asleep or at school or out elsewhere. He does it once he's done anything else that requires his attention. If there's housework or childcare to do, he doesn't play.

It's not his only hobby and it does not affect family life negatively at all. If the children are here, he doesn't play. He doesn't play when he should be doing other stuff. He doesn't miss out on sleep or shirk his responsibilities.

It's an addition to his life, not an excuse to withdraw from adult life.

Your idea of a man pulling his weight is spending 30 minutes a day with his child and drying and putting away the pots that you've just washed? I dont think that would qualify as chores for most teens!

He needs to be doing more with his son, not leaving you upstairs struggling with an upset and teething baby while plays games with his brother.

His brother doesn't have any responsibilities so he can play more, tough shit. I'd be sending him back to his mothers if he wants to live like a teenager again.

Sounds like an awful marriage to be in, tbh.

DH and I both had several hobbies before DS was born, but now we’ve cut back to the ones that are most important. BUT crucially we do them in ways that have minimal impact on family time- I go for a long run on a Saturday morning before DS wakes up, for example. And I make sure I’m showered and ready for him. If running made me so tired that I was unwilling to participate in family life, I wouldn’t do it- your DH doesn’t seem to understand that he needs to put DS first now?

I had a brief chat with him this morning and he made a comment about me having more free time than anyone he knows. When I asked who (because he doesn’t know that many people) he said himself.

I asked him to explain the definition of free time and he said he doesn’t get to sit and watch tv all day.

It’s upset me so much. I don’t get to watch tv all day.

I’m up at 7am with DS he usually naps for an hour at 9.30
an hour (sometimes 1.5hours) at 1pm
and occasionally he will have a third nap for around 30 minutes late afternoon (but this isn’t every day)

I don’t feel like this is time to myself, I watch tv as my son is asleep on me and I’m limited to what else I can’t do.
He’s a contact napper during the day.

I cook dinner for us all every night, I do bath time most nights whilst DH puts the pots away (which to be honest is easier of the two) I do the bed time routine (DH said it’s best for me to do it as DS seems to be going through the separation anxiety stage)

I breastfeed and my son still wakes for feeds on a night. I’m the one who gets up and comforts him with teething which he’s been struggling a lot with recently.

I just don’t understand how DH thinks I have more free time than him.

I feel like I’m doing it all wrong as clearly I do get all this time to myself but yet I feel like I don’t 😔

That resentment will only grow OP, been there myself with ExH
Looking through this thread the only PP who don’t see the issue are part of gaming couples. I’d say you’re just not compatible

He needs to grow up.

He’s a grown man, a dad, playing games all night and ignoring his family. Good bye little boy!

@Rockinmomma

That resentment will only grow OP, been there myself with ExH Looking through this thread the only PP who don’t see the issue are part of gaming couples. I’d say you’re just not compatible

@Rockinmomma

We’ve beeb together 10 years

His gaming was never an issue over the years as he did it when I also had plans.
I used to go to a fitness class and a weight loss group during the week.
I’d meet friends for dinner or cinema, girls nights on a weekend etc.
He’s use this time for his Xbox.

Of course now I don’t do all of the above so the time he has has significantly dropped.