To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

Man child. And he's giving people who enjoy gaming but in a responsible way a bad name.

I'd tell him as of him getting home tonight that he is on kid duty til Monday morning. You are for milk only. If having a baby around you all day is easy and 'free time' then he can do it all weekend. That will be his free time. Take yourself off to the spare room and as and when the baby needs a feed, go do it. Then come back to the spare room.

This man isn't going to listen to words. But action may force him to accept how unreasonable he is.

Sorry but if he chooses diddly dods (my name for PlayStation xboxes ect) then it's time you got yourself a real man... What you have now is a space cadet trapped in the mind of a child who will never grow up, he won't change. Don't waste your life being second best to a machine

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'd tell him as of him getting home tonight that he is on kid duty til Monday morning. You are for milk only. If having a baby around you all day is easy and 'free time' then he can do it all weekend. That will be his free time. Take yourself off to the spare room and as and when the baby needs a feed, go do it. Then come back to the spare room.

This man isn't going to listen to words. But action may force him to accept how unreasonable he is.

Quite, if he thinks you looking after a baby on your own is free time then he'll appreciate getting some of that "free time" for himself too

[quote Veterinari]@Dandylioness1

I think you need to arrange to go out by yourself for a day and leave DS with your DH. Go see your family/friends. Tell DH he's looking after the baby, doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen and making dinner (or whatever your daily job list would be).

When you get back - ask him how he enjoyed his 'me time'. He clearly has no idea about what it is you do all day and is resentful as he assumes you're watching tv all day. The only way to correct that is for him to do what you do for a day. [/quote]
You definitely need to do this! He doesn't know because he doesn't see your day so show him.

And if that doesnt work, get rid. You deserve better and he wont change.

My partner is a massive gamer but he says that if he is tired he can't play the PS as he can't concentrate, so that was just bullshit to get out of having to look after his DS.
I would definitely be having a very serious word with him.

I'm married to a gamer - he very quickly switched to games that could be paused when DD1 came along. I have a lovely photo of him stuck on the sofa holding a sleeping DD1 draped across one arm, playing with an xbox controller . So it's perfectly possible.

There may be some truth to him saying he can game when he's tired - my DH stopped gaming in the evenings when DD1 was about 1yo because it used to fill him full of adrenaline and then he couldn't sleep. (And he was on early morning (5am) wake-up duty, so he needed the sleep!)

The big problem here (apart from how horribly he treated you) is that he doesn't understand what it means to parent a baby. Is there any reason he's not going to be taking parental leave?

I agree with PPs - tell him you're going to give him a whole day of 'me-time' tomorrow, and leave DS with him while you go out. It's the only way he'll understand.

No way. Not a chance in hell I would stay with a man like this. Unless he shapes up fast I would split. I mean that. Good luck.

Has he ever looked after your ds by himself when you’ve gone out? I think the only way for him to get it is to look after him by himself. He sounds like an idiot.

Tbh there is nothing wrong with you begrudging him choosing to spend time gaming over looking after his child!!!!

He actually sounds like he has an addiction problem to it tbh. Not the first time I've heard of this. Their world revolves around the next time they can game. That's all they care about.

If he sees it as your break to watch Netflix with your son sleeping on you then he can do the same and play with son sleeping on him.... he can't do that he says? As he needs to x y z. Well then having child on you doesn't count as relaxing does it and you need time too.

No way would I ever get with someone who owns a console ever again!
My ex was the same and we had two kids together, it drove me insane. It was definitely one of the (many) reasons why we split up. Life is so much easier without a man child.

To be fair to him, I can’t really say he doesn’t pull his weight.
He will help do the dishes (I cook) he will do bath time a few times a week and he will get up early with DS one day over the weekend.

That's not pulling his weight.
He needs to be doing more than that.
Pathetic manchild.

He just doesn't get it at all. When you are looking after the baby all day every day, you are completely responsible for the baby. You can't just go off into a world of your own and ignore the baby. You can watch TV/have it on in the background while doing chores while the baby sleeps etc because TV does not demand 100% concentration like gaming does.
If he's gaming for 4 hours a day he is in a completely different world. He might as well be out of the house cycling or something and it wouldn't be acceptable to leave your wife at home with a baby while out cycling for 4 hours a day either.

You might need to go for relationship counselling to deal with this as he seems very very stuck in his ways and that he is right.
Bloody nightmare.

He's a loser OP. These types rarely grow up.

Does he really ask you if he can go on it?

What are you, his mother?

@Adelais

Has he ever looked after your ds by himself when you’ve gone out? I think the only way for him to get it is to look after him by himself. He sounds like an idiot.

Nope. I’ve left the house once without DS. I met a friend in the summer at 6pm we grabbed a coffee and went for a walk together.

I returned home around 8pm but DS was really upset and sobbing as he prefers to be settled by me in bed.

DH said I’m glad you’re back he’s doing my head in. We argued about the comment but DH said he didn’t mean anything bad by it.

Since then I’ve not felt entirely comfortable pushing through the process of upsetting DS to get him to settle with DH, simply because I worry DH doesn’t have the patience for him.

He’s never made this comment since and he has done his fair share of looking after him, he will get up early on a weekend with him but it’s when he’s tired and wants me or when he’s teething or just generally grumpy, that’s when DH doesn’t step up because his answer is, he wanted you give him boob he will settle.

@ThatsMeChickenArm

Does he really ask you if he can go on it?

What are you, his mother?

@ThatsMeChickenArm

It’s not that he’s asking permission, it’s that he’s asking me to go upstairs whilst he has the tv for himself to play on the Xbox.

Do you think you could draw up a more equal rota? So you both get evenings to yourselves (baby sleeping on you doesn't count!)/cook dinner/do bedtime routine equally? It seems really unfair at the moment (on you). This seems to be the crux of the issue.

If he refuses this then it would seem to be time to rethink the relationship - it will only get worse (and more difficult to leave) if you have more children/as your DC get older... Look at posts on here from women whose DHs don't pull their weight

Sounds grim like you’ve got a baby and a 14 year old son.

What a selfish man/boy. Smash the feking thing up that will teach him. Jokes aside he really needs to sort this out and calling you names is totally unacceptable. You have a child now times are different.

I am a gamer, and I stayed away from gaming completely until my dc was at least 3, I think.
Gaming is a hobby, taking care of your own child isn't. He needs to learn to prioritize what's more important.

Why does he want you to leave the room while he plays? How would he react if you settled yourself on the sofa with a snack and some headphones and watched something on your phone?

It would be my worst nightmare to have a DH who was into gaming for this very reason. Also agree with PP who said ‘the gaming is no different to the husbands who disappear for hours several times a week at the gym, cycling, golf leaving the other parent to run round like a headless chicken. It's checking out of family life and putting their wants above all else.’

So many of my friends DHs seem to do this.

Gaming is a hobby, taking care of your own child isn't

Agreed.

I absoloutley loved playing The Sims pre kids. Since having them I no longer even own the games or a way of playing it. My reward once they all get to secondary school age will be a decent-ish gaming computer and all the Sims.

Ideally leave him to it for a whole day so he can see how much time you 'spend sitting around'. What a dick.
Sorry , I couldn't live with someone so selfish.
My exh used to say he was 'babysitting' if I left his daughter with him.