To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

[Nowisthemonthofmaying]

He's a dick, sorry. I have a three month old baby and my Dh does most of the cooking and cleaning, as well as taking care of the baby on his own for a couple of hours a day so I can have a break. He's also a gamer and loves his PS but has accepted that he won't be able to play it much at the moment. He will play at weekends when I'm out for a walk or napping with the baby. Your DH is totally wrong - looking after a baby is hard work and not free time or 'me' time. Perhaps you should leave the baby with him for a few hours this weekend, if it's so easy!

Honestly, I would be rethinking my relationship if he carries on behaving like this.

[MellowBird85]

What a fucking man child, how you’ve not smashed his face in I’ll never know.

He needs to spend a full day / night with the baby while you make yourself scarce to see how much “free time” you get. I see you’re breastfeeding though so unfortunately it’s probably not possible. Looking after a baby is relentless and you need all the support you can get but all your “D”H is doing is causing you more aggro and work. There’s no way I’d put up with this.

[Lucidas]

Have a child napping on you and making the best it with a limited range of activities is not the same as sauntering off to do what you like!

[caringcarer]

So on his birthday he would rather game then go to bed with you. He sounds addicted to the X box tbh. Sounds like you have an addicted and verbally abusive teen and a baby to deal with. Beware the new Xbox X series has just come out he is bound to want that or has he just got it and can't put it down?

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

Its clear he has no idea what looking after a baby involves as otherwise he would realise that a mum of a small baby who only naps on her, has the least free time of anyone he knows.

Does he do much looking after your baby by himself? Does he consider it free time when he does? It does sound like he doesnt understand looking after a baby and therefore resents you having maternity leave. The irony is that you've said you're not really into tv, surely if he knew you well he would know that lying in bed watching netflix is not something youd actively choose to do. Does he just want you to lie in bed staring st the walls so he doesnt get jealous of your 'free time'? Does he not think feeding, clearing up, nappy changing, soothing to sleep, laundry, cooking, tidying, playing with the baby, reading and singing to the baby, taking the baby for a walk etc is all actually fairly monotonous and not what youd choose to do in your free time?

Why is he constantly comparing you to other people? Most other people I know have massively cut back on hobbies and dont consider maternity leave free time at all.

Does he actually believe this or is he just using it as a stick to beat you with? If he thinks looking after your baby is free time then why dont you say you'll go out and do the food shopping, sort out various things over the weekend and leave him with the baby for the weekend so he gets all his free time? Or does he not class it as free time when he has to look after the baby?

It sounds bit hypocritical to me to say that when you have the baby your time is free, but he can't look after the baby when you're sleeping because it's too tiring and he needs his free time.

I think you either need to force him to spend time with the baby so he realises everything you do, or just leave. He will either be relieved so he can game all the time that he doesnt have the baby and you will be better off out of it, or he will realise what he has lost (and how hard it is doing everything solo on his contaxt time)

[ReallySpicyCurry]

He's actually gross. My ovaries are withering just reading that. My teen does more around the house.

You need to go out and leave him with DS all day. A good few times. "Thought you'd like some me time!"

[Iwouldlikesomecake]

Well this is a perfect opportunity.

Tomorrow he can have that free time.

He can look after DS all day because you get to do that every day and it’s really easy and free time!

Oh wait except it isn’t. He has said the magic words that he thinks looking after a baby all day is easy free time. Well if that’s what he wants he shall have it.

Then take yourself and a flask of tea out for a lovely long walk.

He’s a cock. I’m sorry you have a child with such a moron

[AlternativePerspective]

Gaming aside, anyone who called me a knobhead would be sleeping in the spare room from now on until he got his act together.

[Dandylioness1]

@Nowisthemonthofmaying

Honestly, I would be rethinking my relationship if he carries on behaving like this.

It upsets me so much the thought of us splitting up, but I feel so pissed off with him for what he’s said and how he’s acted.

The thing is recently I just seem to feel like I’m in the wrong all the time.

Like when he said he was too tired to watch DS but not play Xbox.

I told him it had pissed me off and his response was that I was a nobhead who was ignorant and didn’t understand gamers.

I went to bed that night feeling so bad about myself. Awful that I didn’t understand DH hobby and unreasonable that I’d expected him to watch DS when he was so tired (which was because he’d been up gaming the night before)

I asked him the next morning if he was going to apologise and he told me he had spoken to me that way in response to what I’d said (being pissed off about going on his Xbox)
He felt like I was begrudging him his time on his Xbox.

I wasn’t and I never would, but when I’d asked for him to watch DS (who wasn’t settling) for a few hours so I could sleep 7pm-9pm, then play his game later, and he was too tried to do that, but he wasn’t too tired to stay up playing, then yes, I do begrudge this.

I still never got an apology for him calling me a nobhead and when I’ve asked again he said he feels like his words were fit for what I’d said to him about being pissed off.

[ReallySpicyCurry]

Just looking - so DS is about 9 months old, right? Even if breastfed you should be able to leave him for a good stretch then. Leave breast milk in a doidy cup for him if he won't take a bottle and presumably he's on solids so he won't starve. Your DH will no doubt enjoy the lovely down time.

When are you going back to work? What's the plans for the Xbox when you're presumably working and therefore back on an equal footing for "me time?"

[TonMoulin]

P,ease, please leave him with his own son for the weekend (as soon as this lockdown is finished).
He has no fucking lie of what is involved with looking after a baby. The inky way he will learn is by doing it himself.

Sorry but he is a prat and he needs to start acting like an adult and a father rather than throwing a tantrum ne cause he can’t go on the Xbox (even my teenagers don’t do that fgs)

[Gobbycop]

I just think it's incredibly sad a grown man would prefer spending time on a shitty game than with his son.

Babies are only that age once and I don't want to miss any of it.

He's an idiot.

[TonMoulin]

He felt like I was begrudging him his time on his Xbox.

He is acting like a child and is putting you in the position of a mother that is telling him off. Don’t let him do that. He needs to become an adult and that means HE should be bale to realise that he has some responsibilities and that includes looking after his son BEFORE gaming.

[30mph]

He's not shaping up into good dad material is he? I think, on balance, he needs a big wake up call. Could you leave him to his xbox for a week or two, go away somewhere? Tell him you are unhappy and need some time to consider things. He's risking his relationship with you, his relationship with your child.

Is it worth investing some time and effort into joint counselling? If not, or if if won't, then perhaps it would be better to move on sooner rather than later.

[Dandylioness1]

@ReallySpicyCurry

Just looking - so DS is about 9 months old, right? Even if breastfed you should be able to leave him for a good stretch then. Leave breast milk in a doidy cup for him if he won't take a bottle and presumably he's on solids so he won't starve. Your DH will no doubt enjoy the lovely down time.

When are you going back to work? What's the plans for the Xbox when you're presumably working and therefore back on an equal footing for "me time?"

@ReallySpicyCurry

Yes he’s eating solids and he would take a bottle. The issue I have is I never seem to be able to express much. I’ve spent ages trying and get 50ml if that 😖

I’m due back in March 3 days a week.

[Dandylioness1]

@30mph

Is it worth investing some time and effort into joint counselling? If not, or if if won't, then perhaps it would be better to move on sooner rather than later.

I’ve been thinly a lot about joint counselling, I think we clearly have some issues.😔

[OfTheNight]

There’s nothing wrong with a hobby but he sounds a bit obsessed. Choosing that over parenting? It doesn’t matter that it’s gaming particularly.
I’d engineer some time for your own ‘hobby’ - even if you make something up, then demand equal baby free time and see how he takes it.

[D4rwin]

YANBU. Treat him like the child he is take the powercord/ memory card or whatever until he's done x/y/z. If he's never learned to self regulate doing priority tasks before his free time he needs to.

[Alarae]

I had this argument with my DH but he wasn't gaming, rather pottering about the house.

I said to him that it isn't 'me time' if I can't choose what to do during that time. Like you, I liked to go to gym classes. Could I do that with a baby napping on me? No! That's baby time. Can you go for a walk? No! It's baby time.

Turn it on him. Say if all these times when baby is napping on you is 'me time' how come you can't game during those hours? Is it because you can't because you are looking after a sleeping baby? So if you can't do his hobby while the baby sleeps on you, how can you do anything for you?

He's being massively ignorant. Luckily my DH understood after a very (tearful) conversation. All he sees is you watching TV. He doesn't see the fact you physically cannot do anything else because of your baby sleeping on you, even if you really wanted to.

I would also be tempted he can settle DS to sleep on him and then he can game all he likes during baby naps. Guarantee he will say no because 'he can't concentrate on gaming then' WHICH IS THE BLOODY POINT AND WHY IT ISN'T ME TIME.

Argh. I know exactly where you are coming from and I'm wound up on your behalf. It doesn't help, but I completely sympathise.

[Jigglypuffler]

Urgh. Fucking male privilege!! No, you're absolutely not in the wrong. I am in a same-but-different situation with my DH at the moment with our month old baby. They literally seem to have an inability to understand the ridiculousness of their entitlement. If anyone has the magic answer, please share!

[billy1966]

Your issue OP is you have had a child with a nasty piece of work.

Quite nasty.

Think long and hard about the future you want.

Can you return full time.

He begrudges you being off and looking after his child.

So nasty.

This is who he is.
A nasty piece of work.

Get support IRL and for goodness sake have bullet prove contraception if you can actually bear to have him near you.

Protect yours OP.
He's a very selfish man who doesn't sound like he likes you not to mind care about being a part of a happy home, playing his part.

[tyrannosaurustrip]

You mention his brother, does he have a parent you could get to talk to him about this? The idea that having the tv on while you watch a napping child is 'me' time is horrific. I'd be tempted to suggest you go away for a night and stay with a family member and leave him with the baby if you weren't breastfeeding and I didn't have a suspicion he would ignore your child to game.

What he is doing is unreasonable. If he had more male friends with children, maybe he'd see what they were doing in terms of restricting their lives and hobbies. I absolutely think you need counselling, and I think he needs a wake up call. But equally, maybe the idea of being separated and playing all the games he wants and seeing his baby for a few hours on the weekend appeals right now. But none of this is your issue, you are being entirely normal and his reaction is horrific. I really would wonder if there's some element of addiction there - do you think if you suggested to him you'd stop watching tv for a month if he quit the x box for a month he'd do it? It might break the habit.

[OnTheBenchOfDoom]

Ah, bit more difficult with the breastfeeding aspect but the only way for him to find out about your supposed free time is for him to have the baby for an entire day.

Usually this is solved by him being on parenting duty on a weekend from when the baby wakes and you do not do anything to help him, no facilitating him going for a shower or the toilet he does everything. If you can leave the house it is so much easier.

It is a win/win situation, you cannot lose. If he says it was soooo easy then great he can do it every Saturday. If he says this was hard then again he sees how difficult it is to carve out "me time".

Alternatively, he takes a week off work or at least a few days in a row and you are literally only available to breastfeed. Surely if you have so much free time in the day then this will be a picnic. Suggest it.

I am a long term SAHM but I have a great Dh who got up early with the children when they woke Sunday morning and I could lie in until 10am. He had the same thing for him on a Saturday.

I think Mums sometimes fall into "family time" meaning that the Dad doesn't do any solo parenting for any stretch of time. He needs to do that then he will understand. I had a severely poorly Ds2 with reflux who slept upright on my during the day, Dh also experienced Ds2 sleeping on him, pinned to the sofa, holding in a wee.

[ReallySpicyCurry]

He'd probably be ok if you left him then to be honest. I had to leave mine at 6 months and she wouldn't take a bottle but reverse cycled - nibbled in the day, then caught up with massive breastfeeds in the evening. She didn't have to do that as much by 9 months though, so I think a bit of milk, some water and solids would be fine.

If you're going back 3 days then it's even more important that you get the message into his thick head now,because otherwise he'll use your working part time as a stick to beat you with forever, and you'll find yourself doing everything still, only with a job on top of it too.

I work 3 days too, and I do more around the house on my days off, which I personally feel is fair enough, but on the days that DH and I are both off then childcare is shared equally - probably DH does a bit more actually, because he works long hours and we barely see him for a chunk of the week, so our toddler tends to want him a lot because she's missed him.
My husband is also an introvert who is happy to potter at home, I like to get outside and do things. There's absolutely no way on this earth I would put up with your husband's behaviour. I've been a single parent in the past, I have worked very hard to build a good life for myself with friendships, hobbies and a job, and I told DH that I categorically would not be giving that all up because of some expectation that I am the default parent. DH is a good man, but a few times he has done the helpless "I don't know where X baby thing is, DD isn't settling, could you try" and I've been like "eh. No. Sorry". If I'm going out for the day I just leave them to it. Basically I pushed DH in the deep end, but that's what happens to every mother ever when she has a baby, and I'm not sure why men get their hands held.
It's a very hard thing to do, it feels like you're abandoning your baby, but actually once babies are past a certain age, men are just as capable of caring for them, they often just aren't expected to.

So basically I think you need to give him a taste of his own medicine, and if he's still being a prick then he's a bad bargain really

[AtLeastThreeDrinks]

OP I've had these arguments. Things are better now, but they got heated because it boils down to them wanting to game –it's their hobby and it's addictive. We don't have kids (yet) but I said I wasn't willing to continue in a relationship where all spare time is dedicated to other things, rather than each other. I've noticed it comes in waves, he may get hooked (with his friends, it is sociable and I get that) on a new game and want to play all the time. I've also been accused of "not getting it" because no, I don't have any hobbies that essentially remove me from the home for 8 hours at a time.

Sometimes you have to get through the rows to have a proper chat. I was a bit lonely and resentful, he was annoyed at feeling like I was dictating what he could and couldn't do in his spare time.

He sounds stubborn and like he has no idea what looking after a baby full-time entails. It may be petty, but in your shoes I would work out how much time he spent gaming last weekend and then, tomorrow or Sunday if he's not working, hand over the baby and head out. Meet a friend for a walk, get a takeaway coffee, read a book in the car –I know it's hard in lockdown, but I think maybe it's the only way to get through to him.

And I'm sorry to say that if you're sad at the prospect of splitting but he's not, things are on very rocky ground anyway. Hope you find a solution