To take a hammer to DH Xbox!!! Am I overacting or is he in the wrong?

[Dandylioness1]

DH (36) & I (32) had our first baby in February.

DH has always been a gamer. He’s an introvert, not the kind of guy that goes to the pub with his mates (think he’s done that once or twice)
His Xbox is his hobby and what he does to have time to himself.

Since DS came along his Xbox time has reduced but I don’t seem to hear the end of it.

He’s always telling me how his brother (8 years younger than him with no job) plays 4 hours a day and how he’d love to have more time playing.

It was DH birthday at the weekend so we agreed I’d go to bed (Xbox downstairs) so that he could have some time on his games.

Saturday I went to bed 9pm and he stayed up until 1am.
DS had a really unsettled night (teething) and I had little sleep.

DH asked if could play again Sunday.
DS was having a rough day with his teeth and didn’t nap and I know we’d be in for another rough night.
I mentioned to DH that I would go to bed 7-9 in the spare room whilst DH settled our son. I’d then go into our room at 9 and DH could go down and have the rest of the night on his Xbox whilst I looked after teething DS.

DH told me he couldn’t to this as he was just too tired to stay awake (too much gaming the night before!! ) to watch DS for two hours.

I told DH that I assumed this would mean he wouldn’t be having Xbox time to which he told me he would as Xbox requires concentration so it’s easier to stay awake

I told him this was ridiculous and that I was pissed off, his response was that I was an ignorant nobhead and I clearly didn’t understand anything about gaming....

Wanting to avoid an argument I took DS to bed and he stayed up and had Xbox time again.

Tonight after work he told me he would be having a few hours on his Xbox.

I mentioned to him that he’d had a good chunk of time at the weekend and he got arsey with me and then told me I have plenty of time to myself and he should get some too.

I asked him when I get time to myself and he was referring to the hour (sometimes two) I get during the day when DS naps (always on me) and I watch Netflix.

I really do not think this is the same as him
having uninterrupted Xbox time without having to watch DS?! Is it?!

Am I in the wrong. I really feel like smashing that bloody Xbox to bits.

You have a 36 year old child. Sorry, but your relationship is doomed. He is completely checked out.

You need to make DH look after DC for a few hours at the weekend with you out the house. For both of your sakes. He needs hands on experience to know what it’s like looking after your baby by himself.

Your reply should be "You're not a gamer, you're a father. Grow up or piss off".

As a gamer, do you agree that you could be too tired to watch your child but have the energy to play Xbox?

Does it matter? He is a parent and should be taking equal responsibility for his child. What was he like during the newborn stage when, presumably, you were both delirious from lack of sleep for at least a few months? Did he just say to you "sorry, I'm too tired to deal with the baby"?! Leaving it all to you, despite the fact that you would have been just as tired, AND recovering from giving birth? When he's had to go to work on not enough sleep, does he tell his boss that he's too tired to do things? I don't understand this comment at all.

For the record, no it's not a thing. Gaming can be a nice way to switch off if it's a chilled out game, I totally get that. If I'm in that mood I might play the sims or spiritfairer or something. But if I was so tired that I wasn't capable of looking after my children then I would fall asleep whilst I was gaming.

Actually, I HAVE fallen asleep whilst gaming, multiple times, since having DC

He doesn't need to game, he justs wants to as it's more fun to him than the alternative and he puts himself first. Sorry OP but if this is his attitude this early on then it doesn't bode well.

@Crustmasiscoming

As a gamer, do you agree that you could be too tired to watch your child but have the energy to play Xbox?

Does it matter? He is a parent and should be taking equal responsibility for his child. What was he like during the newborn stage when, presumably, you were both delirious from lack of sleep for at least a few months? Did he just say to you "sorry, I'm too tired to deal with the baby"?! Leaving it all to you, despite the fact that you would have been just as tired, AND recovering from giving birth? When he's had to go to work on not enough sleep, does he tell his boss that he's too tired to do things? I don't understand this comment at all.

For the record, no it's not a thing. Gaming can be a nice way to switch off if it's a chilled out game, I totally get that. If I'm in that mood I might play the sims or spiritfairer or something. But if I was so tired that I wasn't capable of looking after my children then I would fall asleep whilst I was gaming.

@Crustmasiscoming

I agree. But I just wanted to hear from other gamers their opinions in this as when I told DH I would be pissed off he couldn’t watch DS whilst I slept for a few hours but he could stay up late playing games, he told me I was ignorant to how gaming worker she I didn’t understand the difference between staying awake for gaming and staying awake to watch a baby, because I wasn’t a gamer myself.

Your husband is an arsehole. That's the end of it.

Eeek i really hope this doesnt happen to me! (Gamer boyfriend and due first baby in march) ... I'd get a new hobby and say can you watch baby for 2 hours please whilst i go to.... thanks see you later..

@Bunnymumy

Just a thought but, how about you ask him to introduce you to gaming?

I’ve played the odd game with him before.
Some chef cooking game(before DS), but I’m just not really a gamer.
I’m not that much into TV either.
I’m more an outdoors kind of person.
Would prefer to go for walk, coffee, read a book.

Quite the opposite to DH actually.

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're here. We have dealt with this since we got married (we did not live together for long beforehand so I did not realise the extent of the problem) and as it always does, having a baby magnified the issue. A few things I would add

• yes you can think you have 'energy' to game but not enough to manage a child. Childcare, as you are well aware 😕 especially when they are little means your time is no longer your own, you cannot even plan to drink a cup of tea or wee when you want to. Gaming allows you to still determine all of that and gives you 'headspace' to decompress. NB this is in no way a defence of his actions, I'm just hoping to help you understand that he genuinely believes this. But he should be getting to bed on time.

It can easily become an addiction, it is in no way comparable to someone who cycles or golfs for 4 hours a day, or goes to the pub for a few hours. An addict can (and does) game ALL day. There are even reports of people dying in this situation. My husband loses all track of time, he doesn't intend to stay up until 2am and just doesn't realise time has gone by. If I could go back and give my younger self advice (bearing in mind my husband has NEVER called me the kind of names yours did) it would be to seek counselling sooner. A neutral voice is sometimes needed to mediate and get you to both see where the other is coming from. He will have what he feels are valid reasons for his behaviour. That said, they are often reluctant to counsel where addiction is involved so I would again say to do this sooner rather than later. But it is £££ It is shit, it almost broke my marriage up and it still causes issues daily but there is less resentment now, possibly partly due to our child being older and partly due to counselling. I wish I could offer a quicker simple solution but this issue is not easily solved -unless you're prepared to leave him I guess. I refuse to buy or facilitate ANYTHING to do with gaming and if my daughter dated someone who games I would view it the same as someone who gambles and advise her to run for the hills. It can and does ruin lives. (sorry to all the moderate sensible gamers out there!). Most games are designed to create long term, heavily invested players and the online social circle (which can be international) 'normalises' the behaviour so they think they are the only one with a nagging wife.

when I told DH I would be pissed off he couldn’t watch DS whilst I slept for a few hours but he could stay up late playing games, he told me I was ignorant to how gaming worker she I didn’t understand the difference between staying awake for gaming and staying awake to watch a baby, because I wasn’t a gamer myself

Wow. Just... Wow. My DH is also a gamer (might be how we met...) and I read this out loud to him. He said "Wtf".

As someone who spends most of my free time gaming (note I say FREE time here, not time I should be devoting to other things) my opinion is that he is either addicted to gaming and needs to quit today, or he's just using all of this an excuse not to do the things he's supposed to be doing because he's immature and selfish, and thinks he can fob you off with stupid excuses.

@Duemarch2021

Eeek i really hope this doesnt happen to me! (Gamer boyfriend and due first baby in march) ... I'd get a new hobby and say can you watch baby for 2 hours please whilst i go to.... thanks see you later..

@Duemarch2021

I honestly thought when DS came along his Xbox would be a thing of the past.

I realise now that it’s really his only form of “me time” (he doesn’t go out much and he doesn’t really have many friends except his brother and a few friends he’s met at festivals over the years but they only see each at festivals, which of course have all been cancelled this year)

I appreciate that it’s something he enjoys and wants to do, but I just hate how it seems to be that if he doesn’t go on it, it completely alters his mood.

Some nights I’ve felt a sense of pressure to get me abs DS bed so DH gets his time, otherwise I will just hear no end of how I’m get to watch Netflix whilst he’s at work... 😖

He can't just parent share one or two days a week in a routine. He needs to be there as and when baby needs him. You've given him an inch with the Xbox and he's gotten addicted and taken a mile. If he wants to play games all day he can get a job that pays him to, or he can grow tf up and dig in to the shitty sleepless nights with you x

Eww sounds like you had a baby with a child.

Aww bless you.. well i dont mind my partner playing games... as he's similar to your DH.. he doesn't go out drinking and doesn't have many close friends and he also talks to his brother on PS .. i tend to do my own thing when hes on it and I'd rather him do that than go to a pub and get drunk...i think im assuming he will stop in march when baby comes.. but this post has made me worry now..

I say that because your husband sounds like my 13 year old ASD son. Good luck with that.

Ynbu its horrible living with an xbox obsessed teenager!!! What on earth do you see in him, thats not a man!

@Duemarch2021 does your DP currently share the chores equally or does he prioritise gaming

@TheoriginalLEM

So on his birthday you had to make yourself scarce to give him time on his xbox???? I think that says it all really

That was what stood out for me too. Plus the name-calling, totally unacceptable.

OP he's being a selfish manchild. Don't stand for it.

I definitely agree you should leave him to it at nap time and call that his me time next weekend. But, if you really think like you say below that he might welcome you leaving, you have a different problem, and you should say We agreed together to have this baby; I had no idea you expected your life to be unchanged. I’m not chaining you to this family but if you choose to stay in it it has to be as a husband and a father. Not as a sulky hard done by man who just wants more gaming time and dismisses everything I say about it as I don’t understand, while also dismissing everything I say about looking after baby during nap is not free time because apparently you’re the expert on that as well. Put those together and I see selfish and entitled, not expert at anything.

EKGEMS
My advice? Ultimatum time-grow up or you're walking out
@EKGEMS

Honestly, I think he’d welcome me saying this. 😔

All those on about his fair share he works full time and does do things in the house BTW I am a gamer and so is my hubby when ds was a baby first 5 ish months we never played too tired but I went back to work hubby stayed home baby asleep by 7 we both played and took turns to see to him hubby did all nights when needed as I worked hubby did all care during the day and house work I took over when I got home and made tea so it just needs balance, however the fact he asks uoubif he can play makes you sound a bit controlling but if he is awake gaming and your child wakes up he should get him simple and let you sleep

@ineedaholidaynow

He's pretty good with chores around the house to be fair... and he will always do extra jobs if i ask him.. and if i asked him to come off a game then he would.. but i don't ask.. but i know it would really irritate me if i had to ask him to get off and im predicting the possible arguments

As a gamer, do you agree that you could be too tired to watch your child but have the energy to play Xbox?

DH told me I didn’t understand him saying this as I’m not a gamer (so he accused me of being ignorant of how being a gamer works)

We have a bunch of consoles and a gaming pc here and my 15 year old and myself both say he's full of shit.

Looking after my home and my child comes first and always will. If I'm tired, playing video games is the last thing I need because it gets me excited and makes getting much needed sleep harder. When mine was a baby I played while they napped on me or when in bed or when dh was bathing and doing bedtime etc. If baby didn't sleep then I didn't play. It's that simple.

As for my teen school work comes first and always has. Im very lucky though that they've always self moderated really well. Doesnt play at all on a weekday because she's revision and then spending time with family and even when the schools were closed it wasn't used as an excuse to spend all day playing. Their friends didn't either.

If a 16 year old can manage to not be a dickhead and understand responsibilities and family come first then so can a fully grown ass adult man.

My brother complains that he doesn't get much time to play but since lockdown and working from home he's getting an hour a day on his lunch break and it's actually improved his mental health. He pulls his weights with the kids and again, doesn't play on a weeknight as he spends that cleaning his home with sil and parenting. During lockdown they each get one evening a week to themselves to replace the meeting friends they'd have so sometimes he'll play with his friends then but once the kids after school clubs are all back up and running he'll not have time.

Your partner needs to pull his socks up and do his bit.

I was always clear with DH that looking after a baby was as hard (possibly harder?) than working all day. The hours when we were both at home (evenings, nights, weekends) needed to be split 50/50 on childcare. In reality I certainly did more than 50% but that’s not how I talked about it with him. So if he had a two hour break to do gaming, the minute he finished I would hand him the baby so I could take my two hour break. Nights were split up between the two of us (again, in reality I took the toughest shifts but he still played his part). If you need to, write a timetable for the weekends so it’s clear who is responsible for DS and when. Don’t take any bullshit. There’s absolutely no reason why he can’t parent his own child.