to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

[spicysauce]

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

@multivac

It's a serious point. Everyone seems to be assuming that letting the girlfriend/boyfriend sleep over = condoning, or even encouraging, sex. It doesn't. Making sleeping over a Big Deal that is suddenly allowed on their 16th birthday, or when the relationship hits six months just might, though....

No we didn’t allow it at sixteen either but then they were too busy.

'think of it a bit like alcohol. I have always encouraged them to try a sip of wine or G&T so it demystifies the whole drink thing. '

Yes it is just the next step isnt it.

We of course have to discuss issues like consent and coercion so we don't need to to be in the room as a pp implied .

I dont know, each to their own I just know I'd rather they were here than feeling more at home in their long term boy/girlfriends parents house.

No we didn’t allow it at sixteen either but then they were too busy.

I wonder if your kids find you as amusing as I do? I do hope so...

No we didn’t allow it at sixteen either but then they were too busy.

Doing what?

@Ginfordinner

No we didn’t allow it at sixteen either but then they were too busy.

Doing what?

Achieving, obvs!

Yes, I do. My daughter is 17, nearly q8 and her boyfriend is 19. It isnt really a case of allowing it at her age, but she is respectful enough to ask and im fine with it. We are open with each other anyway and she tells me when she has slept with a lad so we've nothing to hide.

Nearly 18 that should say.

I am concerned about certain references here to “condoning sex” as a negative. Healthy sex amongst consenting people is a positive, it should be seen in that way.

@StarlightLady. I'm afraid I don't see sex as a positive amongst children who aren't mature enough to deal with the potential physical and emotional consequences.

Regular but do you really want to know when your DD has slept with someone, how does the conversation go? .

'Hi mum, just to let you know I slept with Tom last night' .... 'that's nice dear, how was it for you?'

I am sure my DS has a sex life with his GF ... but I certainly don't want to talk about it. Just as he wouldn't want to talk about my sex life .

'am concerned about certain references here to “condoning sex” as a negative. Healthy sex amongst consenting people is a positive, it should be seen in that way.'

Yes. Mind, it was only a few days ago we had someone confiscating a 16yr old's phone and another an 18yr old's phone at bedtime so you can see why some parents really do struggle with their kids growing up.

flaviaritt yes, I did have problems with a parent who would consider their child out of their home for being in a gay relationship. I'm pretty sure social services would have been quite interested too. I'd consider that complete parental failing, to be honest. And I was perfectly happy for sleepovers to be banned until both were over the age of consent - I did say I had no problem with that.

I'm also 100% sure that at that stage DD and her GF were not having sex. I don't even know whether they are now, it's none of my business. It isn't as if anyone is going to get pregnant or catch an STD.

We are talking young adults here. They came into this world as a result of their parents having sex.

Nobody is suggesting people should have sex before they feel ready. But neither should it be suggested that sex is dirty or wrong. Sex shoukd be about mutual respect.

I was enjoying sex at 16, it probably helped keep me on an even keel. I also did well at school. l’m 40 plus now and no physical or emotional damage. And still enjoy quality sex.

Teenage hormones are often bubbling. Attempted prevention of sex, leads to unwanted pregnancies and disruption to a supportive and caring family life.

God no............ If they have left home at 21 plus and in a long term relationship then I would consider it. But absolutely no teen having sex under my roof. Yeuch indeed!!!

I think I would allow it: in 6th form onwards. Only when they had been dating a while so its clear it's been carefully considered. With a partner whom we know well & with the their parents knowledge too.

Not:
The "boyfriend" who they only met 3 weeks ago
A much younger or older partner
Anyone we have not met several times

The message I want to send is that sex at that age is fine but is a big deal and needs to be carefully considered.

From some of the responses here, you can see why so many teens have problems about sex, have negative attitude to their bodies and feel estranged from their parents.

“Don’t do as l do, do as l say!” Honestly!

B in theory, DC are not yet at the age of consent.

There are very sensible boundaries mentioned here. Like a talk about contraception, don't want to hear anything and not one nights stands. I do not get embarrassed talking about sex and already have candid conversations.

I met DH when we were teenagers, we were never allowed to stay in the same room at ILs. Even in our 30s it wasn't allowed because we weren't married. We don't live in the same city as we grew up in so found plenty of other people to stay with. It's been years since I've stayed at ILs but would sleep separately by choice now.

[quote MessAllOver]@StarlightLady. I'm afraid I don't see sex as a positive amongst children who aren't mature enough to deal with the potential physical and emotional consequences.[/quote]
I agree 100%. All this talk of “being there” for your DC if they need to talk about sex, contraception, etc....the fact is that if they were mature enough for sex they wouldn’t need to discuss it with their parents. Just because you can have sex doesn’t mean you should have sex.

For all the people who think that if it's not allowed in the house it will happen elsewhere... this isnt always true, I would say.

I respected my parents. If they had allowed it in the house, I would have seen it as tacit "approval" and would have taken the plunge much earlier than I did. I'm glad I didn't.

However I think these days the internet and social media have changed the world, so if it's going to happen I would rather it happen at home. I'm hoping I can talk to the DC about it carefully though, or enlist someone else to. My niece is 10 years older than my daughter and I'm hoping maybe she will be a good person who can advise from an adult perspective while not being a boring parent.

I was at school with people having sex at 12 and so don't expect my DC to share my experience.

Having sex doesn't make you a good or bad person. I was late teens when I had sex with a long term partner (now husband). I doubt my DC will have the same experience.

The age of consent is 16. I would rather my DC waited but if they don't it is my job as their parent to provide help, guidance and advice.

No contraception is 100% effective (and teens are known to be careless) so one of the questions we should be asking ourselves is whether we are ok with 16 year old girls potentially having babies and being mothers.

I'm not. I think teenage mothers have an incredibly tough time and, in general, severely limit their own and their children's life chance. Nor would I want my DS to be a father at that age. But I recognise the abhorrence of "encouraging" a girl/woman to have an abortion against their will. So if the worst happened, we would encourage him to step up and would provide financial support ourselves until he was in a position to do so. But really I would just prefer for his sake and the other child's sake that it didn't happen. Yes, they might do it elsewhere but you decrease the likelihood if it's not allowed at home.

All this talk of “being there” for your DC if they need to talk about sex, contraception, etc....the fact is that if they were mature enough for sex they wouldn’t need to discuss it with their parents.

This is a really weird train of thought. Remove the subject of sex and insert 'choosing uni', 'going for a job', 'buying a car', 'moving out' and so on. Are you really suggesting that if a child needs to discuss with their parent they are not mature enough to do anything

Honestly what an absolute crock of shit. Talking things through, whatever they are, with another person is fucking standard behaviour in most adults let alone teenagers.

Fortunately for mine I have always been approachable and happy to discuss anything that they wanted to talk over.

Imagine your actual mum deciding you were not mature about to have sex because you did the mature thing and confided in her

@Ginfordinner

No we didn’t allow it at sixteen either but then they were too busy.

Doing what?

working for exams, playing in orchestra's, ballet training, rugby, voluntary work or paid work, youth theatre, youth parliament, that sort of thing.

@StarlightLady

I am concerned about certain references here to “condoning sex” as a negative. Healthy sex amongst consenting people is a positive, it should be seen in that way.

Safe sex amongst consenting adults is healthy. Not so much for children. For us that means in a committed and trusting relationship as much as effective contraception. It may not be popular on MN (although most people I know hold similar views) but casual sex increases risk of mental ill-health. Among teen and young adults, poor mental health has a reciprocal relationship with casual sex as each contribute to the other over time (study was Ohio university). Hedonism and overly liberal parenting is not necessarily in the bet interests of children and young people.

Our children , as young adults are all happily in long-term committed relationships; two planning marriage with the view it is a lifelong partnership.

We've had the chat with both kids about how they would need to be in secure long term relationships first and that I'd need to chat with their partners parents first. The youngest is nearly 16 and adamant that she's 'not doing anything' until she's at least 23 coz it sounds too scary!