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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

277 replies

spicysauce · 19/11/2020 22:29

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 21/11/2020 08:14

How can you compare stealing cars with having sex for goodness sake?

Most of us have sex, it is not wrong. Stealing cars is wrong!

FundamentallyFucked · 21/11/2020 08:21

We didn’t let our children steal cars or keep drugs in their bedroom either.

Are you seriously comparing consensual sex between 2 people, above the age of consent, with illegal activities?

We wanted better things for our children and reared them from a young age to have higher aspirations.

Higher aspirations than a normal sexual relationship Confused

aquashiv · 21/11/2020 08:26

I would consider it if they asked but I wouldn't ask or encourage it thats weird.

timeforanewstart · 21/11/2020 08:26

As long as both 16 and in a relationship for couple months , not casual different people all the time

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/11/2020 08:26

We wanted better things for our children and reared them from a young age to have higher aspirations.

Let me get this straight: you're actually saying with all seriousness that you class taking drugs, smoking and having sex as synonymous, and that young people who engage in any of these behaviours have low aspirations?

And that your children in not having sex were in some way better than young people that do have sex?

Do you have any idea how utterly batshit crazy that sounds?

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 08:28

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

I don’t think that sounds batshit crazy at all. I think 16 year olds should be focusing on education, sport and hobbies. I would be downright disappointed with myself as a parent if my 16 year old daughter was upstairs in her room having sex with a boy she’d known a couple of months rather than practising an instrument or out on the netball court. I genuinely think it’s grubby.

whattodo2019 · 21/11/2020 08:33

If they are under 16 certainly not.
i know if a family who found out their daughter was having sex with her 16 yr old boy friend as they found the pill. Athens family took the 16
yr old to court and he was prosecuted....
i don't mind boyfriend and girlfriends staying over but not sharing bedrooms let alone beds.

timeforanewstart · 21/11/2020 08:36

When i fist met my husband i was 24 he was 25 and we went to visit and stay with his mum and she wouldn't let us stay in same room .She isn't religious and when he was younger she had boyfriends of her own stay over.
She also was living with someone herself unmarried etc

Pyewhacket · 21/11/2020 08:38

Depends how old they are, what sort of relationship and their partner. I lived with my grandparents and I’m rubbish at silent sex so we did it in my granddads allotment shed.

frustrationcentral · 21/11/2020 08:39

Parent of a 17 year old boy here

I think I'd allow him to have a girlfriend stay over, assuming they'd been together for a while. I've not had to try it yet as he's not had a girlfriend (as far as I'm aware!)

I always felt I wouldn't allow it, but it certainly seems to be the done thing? DS has friends who have been together for the last 1-2 years who regularly stay over at each other's home. There's no way my parents would have allowed it, even when I was 21 and my boyfriend moved in with us, we weren't allowed to share a room!

StarlightLady · 21/11/2020 08:39

I was that 16 year old daughter, having sex with a boy l’d known a couple of months. I also studied hard, was quite bookish and relativly shy. I had a range of hobbies and interests too. I didn’t do drugs or drink to excess. Sex was not the road to hell for my teenage self, far from it.

I am now a 40 something assertive woman in a professional job, who speaks 2 languages fluently and can get by in a third language. I did not suffer because of teenage sex.

JudyGemstone · 21/11/2020 08:40

I let my son have girls to stay over, they're in year 12 so 16/17.

My daughter is only 13 so not relevant yet but I do wonder if I'll be as relaxed about her having boys to stay when she's the same age!

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 08:41

I did not suffer because of teenage sex.

I’m delighted to hear that. But there are people on this thread who did. And I am not going to put my daughter in that position. Her bedroom will be a safe space.

user1471538283 · 21/11/2020 08:43

It is so difficult. I did with DSs first girlfriend who was a delight. The next one made the house feel like a knocking shop and I was glad when they broke up. I welcomed his most recent one initially but she was such a bad guest and it was constantly extra work so I stopped that. Of course even if they dont stay overnight they will have sex but it's about how the boy/girlfriend treats you and your home that's important.

frustrationcentral · 21/11/2020 08:43

@Gigia

I also wouldn't have allowed it if her parents weren't ok with it
Agree
lazylump72 · 21/11/2020 08:51

My son is 30 now and thankfully never put me in the position where I had to decide when he was younger. I don;t know what I would have accepted to be honest.I remember one occassion where he has been out to a concert and rung to say his partner had lost his keys could they both stay over at ours. I didnt hesitate to say yes though but they were both way older than teenagers,proper adults so it seemed natural to me then...its such a difficult thing I would imagine for parents struggling with this,I would think it would very much depend on the young person in question.I may have to think about it one day with my dd but I can put that off for a few years yet.

MessAllOver · 21/11/2020 08:53

@flaviaritt. I agree with you. 16 year olds do a good job of appearing grown-up but in reality they are so, so young. Just because it is legal doesn't mean it's ideal.

Also, I only have a DS at the moment and there's no way I'm going to make myself responsible for the wellbeing of other people's young teenage girls by letting them stay over in the same room.

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 08:56

MessAllOver

Exactly. Imagine feeling complicit in a young girl being pressured into sex in your house? Urgh!

Scrouge · 21/11/2020 08:59

@Llareggub

I plan to do what a former colleague did with her 5 sons.

A massive bowl of condoms in the bathrooms, regularly topped up.

I’m a little way off that; as yet my teens show no interest in anything romantic but I probably will allow it.

I read a story like this some years ago- a mother had a drawer in hall with box of condom. Some years later she found out from her sons that she’d been responsible for free birth control for an entire generation of respective school and college mates 😂😂😂😂
MessAllOver · 21/11/2020 09:02

@flaviaritt. Yes, and it's hardly like the girl will come and complain to you if things go wrong and she gets upset... so what does she do?

Naturally, we will be having the consent and respect talks with DS when he gets to that age... over and over again. But the truth is a lot of girls that age aren't very good at standing up for themselves and do just tend to clam up and go along with things. I'm not having a young girl put in that position in my house.

StarlightLady · 21/11/2020 09:04

As a slight aside, but l hope relevant, and maybe some people may wish to consider using this themselves.

As l mentioned earlier in this thread, mum was annoyed when she first found out that l was having sex, not because l was having sex but that l hadn’t told her.

My mother (now deceased) was very much a feminist. Her words to me as a then sexually active teen were “if it doesn’t make you feel nice, don’t do it!”

CherryPavlova · 21/11/2020 09:04

@FundamentallyFucked

We didn’t let our children steal cars or keep drugs in their bedroom either.

Are you seriously comparing consensual sex between 2 people, above the age of consent, with illegal activities?

We wanted better things for our children and reared them from a young age to have higher aspirations.

Higher aspirations than a normal sexual relationship Confused

No I’m saying children under 16, to be clear.
bonbonours · 21/11/2020 09:15

@flaviaritt
Well we're all different. At 16 I was in a committed relationship and sensible enough to use the pill and condoms, and wait for my boyfriend's 16th birthday so it was legal.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 21/11/2020 09:15

In a relationship and of legal age?
Yes.
I did.

I want my D.C. to know that those close to them are welcome and can be included in family. Ds’ girlfriend just sent me the sweetest birthday card from Uni, and I know his other friends well, make and female. A happy family extends to friends.

Secondly, I would prefer that if they are having sex that it is part of a while caring relationship. Cuddling, relaxing, even sleeping, rather than a quick fumble while parry are out at the supermarket.

Thirdly, spending the night doesn’t always mean full penetrative sex. Many young people stage their growing sex lives. Even when sharing a bed. When I was a teen I went on holidays with 2 different boyfriends and although we did ‘stuff’ didn’t have intercourse. I am pretty sure Ds didn’t have sex with current girlfriend for ages.

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 09:17

bonbonours

Of course. But this is more a question about what we should do/allow as parents.