to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

[spicysauce]

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

@GetOffYourHighHorse - You are spot on .

I think another factor to consider is this - at what age are you prepared to deal with an accidental pregnancy? I wouldn't be thrilled if my DS/DD came to me at 19/20 with this issue, but that would be a whole different ball-game to 16. Allowing bfs to sleep over would increase the risk imo.

DD hates babies and has no intention of ever having children. She would take every step to prevent getting pregnant.

DS started seeing his ex when they were both 16. She stayed here and he stayed there. We never met her parents; they knew where she was. They were very much in love and waited a while before having sex. They were respectful and we never heard a peep out of them. We took her with us on a road trip around America and all four of us often shared the same room to cut down on costs. Nothing creepy about it, and if we stayed in the same place for a few days we made sure to give them some privacy. When we camped, they had their own tent.

Sleeping together is not just about sex; it is about closeness and intimacy. They were together for 2.5 years until they started university. DS was well aware, and in full agreement, that a randomer would not be afforded the same privilege.

I was in my late-20s before my parents allowed me to share a room with my boyfriend when we visited, even though we lived together for a few years, until I put my foot down. Just stupid.

I chatted to DS's younger sister before giving him and gf the green light. She was 14 to his 16 and became great friends with the gf. They are still in touch even though DS married someone else. It helped that our house is L- shaped with our room on a different 'wing' and the children's' rooms separated by a spare room. That said they were always super respectful,

Dd wants to travel, and I don't doubt she will, she would have been in Australia this Christmas if it wasn't for Covid so I've no worries about pregnancy, they also both want careers first.
She knows how hard it was for me raising her on my own.

Besides, they have their cat!

@MessAllOver

I think another factor to consider is this - at what age are you prepared to deal with an accidental pregnancy? I wouldn't be thrilled if my DS/DD came to me at 19/20 with this issue, but that would be a whole different ball-game to 16. Allowing bfs to sleep over would increase the risk imo.

I just work on the basis that they are more likely to be having sex when me and DH aren't around, rather than when they stay over together knowing we are on the same floor, not far away and often after an evening of eating and drinking. They'd be way more likely to engage in their relationship when me and dh were out of the house at work, or out for the evening.

Plus we have had the chat with DD about being careful, etc.

We'd rather not deal with a teen pregnancy obviously but nether would dd or her boyfriend. TBH she's going to be having sex whether or not I allow her to let the boyfriend sleep over here. It certainly isn't stop me and (my now) dh when we were that age!

She was 14 to his 16 and became great friends with the gf.

To be fair there is no way ever I would have allowed dd to have a partner sleep over in her room at that age. No chance she'd be bringing an underage child into that situation!

@MessAllOver - It is just as easy to get pregnant in the woods, maybe more so, than the parental home.

I would, yes. I'd trust them to make sensible choices, at the right age. I'd hope I had brought them up to understand the emotional aspects of it and possible comsequences. This is their home and I want them to be safe, and to be able to be honest with me, not sneak around. But as others have said, only in established relationships.

[quote StarlightLady]@MessAllOver - It is just as easy to get pregnant in the woods, maybe more so, than the parental home.[/quote]
Well, it depends on opportunity, to an extent. If they're having sex a couple of times a week they're more likely to to end up with an unplanned pregnancy. If they have to use the woods, for instance, they're likely to have fewer opportunities (rainy weekends in December render woodland less appealing, I'd have thought).

Im a bit worried that it appears to be a choice of parents house or the woods 😱

(Lighthearted by the way)

That's the thing...I think you definitely reduce the chances by not welcoming them into the house.

@Aragog

She was 14 to his 16 and became great friends with the gf.

To be fair there is no way ever I would have allowed dd to have a partner sleep over in her room at that age. No chance she'd be bringing an underage child into that situation!

I think the poster was talking about the younger sister here, not the girlfriend.

You are more likely to have a condom to hand in a bed side drawer than in the woods.

But why are so many posters on here equating having sex with doing something wrong?

@StarlightLady

You are more likely to have a condom to hand in a bed side drawer than in the woods.

But why are so many posters on here equating having sex with doing something wrong?

That is a very, very good question.

I think parents of teens overestimate the amount of power and control they are able to have. There are a lot of things you can do in order to help your teenagers make sensible, safe decisions:

• Be open about matters of sex and sexuality
• Don't rely on the UK school system to do sex education properly and thoroughly
• Trust your teenagers and trust them to trust in you
• Speak frankly about the pros and cons of the decisions they face growing up without banning things

Beyond that, you're dealing with young people who are becoming adults and you have to accept that sometimes they will do things you would rather they did not do. At that point you're into harm reduction.

Obviously as a parent you would rather your DC didn't have sex very young, only had sex as part of a committed relationship, didn't get pregnant. But it's no longer 100% in your control.

And lastly, sex isn't wrong. It's pleasurable, it maintains closeness in a relationship, it's a good thing. This world would be so much better if people could get over their hangups about sex.

I have four teenagers. It’d be like a knocking shop if they all stayed over.

My eldest is 18 with a serious girlfriend. She’s welcome here and he’s welcome there but no, they don’t have sleepovers. I know they have sex and probably do it in his bedroom but I don’t see the need for either of them to sleepover. They’re still dependents in school and I feel that there needs to be a line and this is one of them.

I won't allow mine, but that's not because of the sex thing. It's because I'm a very anxious person and my home is the only place I can relax and be myself. I just couldn't have boyfriends /girlfriends staying over and I could never, ever have one come to live here. I could never relax, use the bathroom, etc comfortably, I probably wouldn't even sleep! I know this is totally my problem and I know my kids will just want to go elsewhere. I will allow my kids to stay at their boyfriend /girlfriends house though if their parent allows. ( not sure my husband would tho!)

@StarlightLady

You are more likely to have a condom to hand in a bed side drawer than in the woods.

But why are so many posters on here equating having sex with doing something wrong?

Unless you specifically went to the woods for the purpose of having sex.

My kids are too young now but when they are older I will allow it. They are both kind, respectful and sensible. I believe that we have raised them well and as such we should be able to trust them.

@swansongs As parents of four young men, we did give a shit.

No casual relationships allowed to stay over here, only when they were in committed relationships was that allowed.

They know how we feel about taking precautions, and so far, so good. They're all sensible.

I think this is really interesting.
Among other things, I am interested in the number of parents who consider it important that their children are "comfortable" with their boyfriends / girlfriends. I get safe, but comfortable?

I didn't have a double bed till I was into my 30s. And up to then pretty much always had to choose between sex and comfort. all sorts of other good times of my youth were pretty incompatible with comfort too. I don't consider myself hard done by, at all. I wasn't interested in comfort, much, when I was young.

My dds are 9 and 11, so not relevant yet, but I don't consider it my job to make them comfortable with any future bfs / gfs. I make them comfortable as people, as children, as my children; they can grow up and get a long term partner and make each other comfortable, I hope, when they are adults. In the time in between, although I would dearly wish that they are safe, I don't see any reason to make any of their romantic activity comfortable. Home is where you come to get comfortable after whatever, and find a clean bed and a bath and a hot meal.

I think I felt safe at home because I knew I wasn't expected to be with anyone there but my family. I was young; and I wanted to date and have excitement and romance, but I also wanted to limit its effect on me and my life and it was easier that I was given no choice in the matter.

I feel a bit sad for 16 year olds already settled into staying in with some boring male, like the Royle Family or something.

SenselessUbiquity times have changed a bit since any of us parents were young though. Giving your DC a double bed (room size permitting) is pretty normal these days because they are more comfortable - and why would you not want your kids to have comfy beds if it's possible and affordable? There's no virtue in deliberate austerity, unless you have some creepy prurient ideas about double beds encouraging sex.

I should also point out that your post completely ignores gay relationships. They're a thing. Really.