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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

277 replies

spicysauce · 19/11/2020 22:29

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

OP posts:
LittlePearl · 19/11/2020 23:33

I suspect I'll be thought a prude but we didn't allow them to sleep in the same bedroom, the 'guest' had the spare bed.

I knew full-well they'd sneak about though....but isn't that part of the fun for teenagers? It certainly was for me and DH!

FundamentallyFucked · 19/11/2020 23:33

My parents let me have bfs stop as a teen and to be honest in hindsight I would have preferred them to say no It made a couple of relationships too intense, too quickly.

But people who have said they allow/would allow are specifying that the relationship is long term/established/not a fling or ONS so that already removed the element of 'too intense too fast'

ILoveYoga · 19/11/2020 23:35

We only recently started allowing this. Was extremely hard for my DH. My daughters are 24 and 21.

Gin4thewin · 19/11/2020 23:41

I was 15 and dp 17 when we started going out 14 years ago😳 when i stayed over his i was 16 and wed already been together almost a year but my parents insisted we slept separately, so dp had to crash on his brothers floor. We stuck to it for a while...then once his mum and dad realised we were waiting until they fell asleep and dp would come get back in bed they gave up. My mum knew aswell. Made no odds if we slept separately, wed already done what we wanted to do and just wanted to sleep!

Trickyboy · 19/11/2020 23:42

Yes for all 6 of 7 dcs/dsc (youngest not in a relationship since turning 16)

From age 16 . If in a steady relationship. Also made sure all girls were on reliable contraception and drummed into boys to take responsibility for their own fertility and to NEVER take as gospel that a girl is using contraception effectively.

Gatehouse77 · 20/11/2020 00:06

It’s only cropped up with one of ours. We allowed it when they were 17 as it was over the age of consent. On the proviso that they took precautions for safe sex and the other parent was in agreement. We wouldn’t go against the other parent’s choice.

OiOiYou · 20/11/2020 00:28

I had a bf from 15-18.

His mum let me stay over when I was 15 but we had to have the door open during the day in his room and then he'd have to go and sleep in the spare room when she went to bed.

Once we turned 16 we were allowed to stay in his room at night.

I wasn't allowed anyone (boys) to sleep over until I was about 18 at my house. I did live with a very protective father (he was the RP, didn't see my mum much) who tried to have the talk with my first boyfriend. I nearly died of embarrassment at that age.

londonscalling · 20/11/2020 00:37

I wouldn't allow my 15 year old. I'm not prudish but it's against the law. A local teenager got in serious trouble with the police because his girlfriend was underage (and not by a lot either)! Obviously teenagers will still sleep together but I don't want to be seen to be condoning it until it's legal! However, they'd have to be in a relationship before I let their partner sleep over!

FundamentallyFucked · 20/11/2020 00:44

A local teenager got in serious trouble with the police because his girlfriend was underage (and not by a lot either)!

When you say 'serious trouble' what do you mean? What was the age gap? She was 15 so what was he?

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 20/11/2020 00:45

I have teens and no I wouldn't

Bobtheshark · 20/11/2020 01:31

In a committed relationship possibly. Mine are young teens 13 and 14. Definitely not before 16. You could be prosecuted if you allow your underage child to have sex.

Your Role As A Parent
If you allow your child to have underage sex, for example by giving them condoms, you could, in theory, be prosecuted for aiding and abetting unlawful intercourse. But again this is very difficult to prosecute successfully, as everyone knows that if children want to have sex, they’re going to do it regardless of what you say or try to do.

Pollypudding · 20/11/2020 01:50

Similar to some posters-
Over 16
Long term relationship
No randoms
Other parents have to know
Take care of contraception

This has worked fine and feel there is mutual respect-

seayork2020 · 20/11/2020 01:59

Over 16 I would say as sex is legal then I as much and I don't want to think about it (as in I must have been an immaculate conception and I am REFUSE to think of parents doing that!) unless my sons partner is there all the time and being annoying by never going home! then we would prefer they are safe.

Saying they cannot stay over will not stop sex but again I don't want to think about it there is nothing actually wrong with a long term BF/GF staying with them

I can't stop him going out with random people but no he will not be allowed to bring strangers home same as we would not do that (well I am married but just random people I mean)

IHaveBrilloHair · 20/11/2020 02:10

The police wouldn't be remotely interested in 15yr olds if its consensual.

Ginfordinner · 20/11/2020 06:39

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

I have teens and no I wouldn't
Not even if it was a committed relationship and they were both over 16?
year5teacher · 20/11/2020 06:41

I wasn’t allowed to sleep over my boyfriend’s until I was 18 which I thought and still do think was overkill.

Girlintheframe · 20/11/2020 06:42

We let them stay over once 17/18 and in a committed relationship.
15/16 is too young IMO but do think it depends on the child and their maturity level.

IHaveBrilloHair · 20/11/2020 06:49

I did at that age, although as I said they'd been friends for years first, and they didn't just go to her room, they'd often sit with me, or sit in her room watching films/playing guitar etc with the door open.
He wouldn't always stay either.
I'm not saying its right for everyone and a sudden new boyfriend, no bloody way, but given they are still together and progressing really well as adults, I don't regret my decision.
I must add, she's my only child, so no younger ones to suddenly announce I let her si why couldn't they etc.

Angel2702 · 20/11/2020 06:49

I wouldn’t allow casual strangers to stay over but long term boyfriends / girlfriends at 17/18 yes.

Once they are over the age of consent my job is not to police their sex life, my job is to make sure they are informed and make good decisions. I don’t get to control their body at that age. Unless you are telling them no sex before marriage I don’t see the need to be interfering in normal age appropriate relationships.

RBKB · 20/11/2020 06:53

If they are over 16, or deffo if over 18, they are adults. You need to consider if you want a decent relationship with them. Because you, as an adult, would feel unwelcome and unhappy in your own home if you could not pursue your relationship. Parenting is about producing functioning adults....it all seems very simple when they are little, believe me, but you are and should only be, 'in control' while they still need you to be. Obviously they should be respectful, we all should to housemates!!

Please don't think 'oh by then, they should have their own lodgings' if you still have young kids because, to be blunt, you won't yet understand that renting, uni fees etc have CHANGED things and if they have to house themselves they can barely eat, let alone try to save, to ever own property. So they live at home far longer these days...brace yourself 🤣

Tbh I find it a bit 'icky' when parents get super invested / interested in controlling their kids' sex lives.

SpilltheTea · 20/11/2020 06:54

I would if they were 16. I don't see the problem.

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 06:58

The OP is deliberately not specifying the age of these ‘teenagers’.

For me, not until they’re an adult (18). I hope I am not raising a child who is going to shag in the park in broad daylight just because they can’t at home.

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 07:00

Tbh I find it a bit 'icky' when parents get super invested / interested in controlling their kids' sex lives.

I actually find it a bit icky when parents actively facilitate them. Like that scene in Mean Girls where the mum comes in and asks if they need a condom.

Roselilly36 · 20/11/2020 07:03

My sons are 19 & 17, if they had a regular Girlfriend, I can’t see a problem with letting them stay over.

LauraBassi · 20/11/2020 07:07

No boys staying over here I’m afraid. Boyfriends are welcome to come round but they must leave before bedtime.

I’m only going off my experience of having a best friend in my teens whos boyfriend terrorised her even in her own house behind her bedroom door whilst her parents were down stairs or in bed. She really didn’t have any escape from him.

Regardless if my dds like it or not they will be able to have that opportunity to have that safe space.

My dd1 is 25 and we’ve never had any issues. She always respected it.

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