to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

[spicysauce]

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

Actually yes, I do think children who don’t have sex are better off than children who are encouraged to.
I’d much prefer my children to be studying and working to build a good future for themselves, to understand that sex is far better in a committed relationship and that hedonistic behaviour rarely reaped long term benefits.

You're not a strong debater, are you? No-one on this thread has talked about encouraging children to have sex. Most are talking about the practicalities of parenting young adults, over the age of consent. And where is your evidence to suggest that young adults who do have sexual relationships are not capable of working and studying? What makes you think it has to be an either/or situation? And why have you introduced hedonism into the equation? Most posters on here are discussing the fact that they could be comfortable with young adults in a committed relationship spending the night together. You are the one who seems to think that all teenage sex is by default hedonistic.

In terms of legality taking drugs and sex under sixteen are both breaking the law. Supporting either pits children at risk.

You were the one who presented taking drugs and having sex as synonymous. And since most of us on this thread are talking about young people over the age of consent, you are very much adapting the facts to suit your argument, aren't you? I have seen very few posts on here expressly supporting underage sex and none at all apart from yours which mentions drug taking.

You do you, as they say, but don't think for a minute that you are bringing your children up any better than the rest of us. I've been on the receiving end of parenting like yours: believe me, however smug you feel about it, it's not intrinsically better than the other approaches suggested here.

But you are assuming that our DC were in casual relationships @CherryPavlova. I wouldn't condone DD bringing home casual hook ups, not that she would, but DD she was with her boyfriend for nearly 4 years.

DD was busy when she was in 6th form with her studying and volunteering, but Saturday evenings were her down time, and that is when she used to see her boyfriend. As we live rurally with not great public transport in the evenings the boyfriend often used to stay over.

Safe sex amongst consenting adults is healthy. Not so much for children.

Well not a single person on the thread is suggesting otherwise.

For us that means in a committed and trusting relationship as much as effective contraception

Jesus. Everyone, that is all the people who would/will/do allow their teens to have their boy/girlfriend to stay over has sad exactly this.

What's your actual point? Others than to do some odd boasting about the activities tour teenagers did

Actually yes, I do think children who don’t have sex are better off than children who are encouraged to.

I missed this.

Where on this thread does any poster say that they are encouraging their children to have sex?

What's your actual point? Others than to do some odd boasting about the activities your teenagers did

And they were only worthy activities

As a teenager DD was a young leader with brownies for 3 years, volunteered in a care home and worked hard for her A levels. She also saw her boyfriend and friends, went to the odd party and even had a few drinks now and again. And horror of horrors, her long term boyfriend stayed over a few times on a Saturday night.

If they're over 16 and in an established relationship then yes. When DS and gf asked if they could stay over at each other's houses it helped that I knew her mum. I said I was happy if other mum was and spoke to her. Ask adding that I wanted them to ask her themselves. My rules were not on school nights, and if they split up I wouldn't be letting DS see it as thin end of the wedge and have any random girl staying over. They stayed together for 3 years and it wS so much nicer having her and him part of our lives than having them skulk around in car parks and lanes like I had to do at their age with my bf.

I was a lucky teenager by the sounds of it. I was allowed my boyfriend to sleep over at 15/16. I also went to Disneyland with him for my 16th birthday, alone, just the two of us on a coach trip. After we broke up ( he was gay but hadn't come out, think i knew as he was also my best friend at the time really) I had a boyfriend for 2 years from 16-18 ish. We went on holidays abroad together, slept over each others houses etc. We broke up when we went to uni. I'm grateful for the understanding and freedom from my parents. I turned out ok I think and have a very close relationship with them.

DD went on holiday with her BF a couple of times as a teenager as well.

working for exams, playing in orchestra's, ballet training, rugby, voluntary work or paid work, youth theatre, youth parliament, that sort of thing.

Gosh. I have a full time job, two kids to support through GCSEs and transport to activities and a house to maintain. I am a school governor and charity Trustee. I also write, record and perform with a band and have a couple of other hobbies, too.

And yet I still find time for regular sex!

Did your kids struggle with other aspects of timetable management, CherryPav?

Allowing children under the age of sixteen to share a bed with a boyfriend is encouraging illegal/underage sex. That may not fit comfortably but it would take Boris Johnson to twist that into discouraging them. Clearly I have touched a few raw nerves.

And where is your evidence to suggest that young adults who do have sexual relationships are not capable of working and studying? Young adult are over age of eighteen - completely different to children.

Data presented below from the 2009 National Youth Risk Behavior Survey shows a negative association between
sexual risk behaviors and academic achievement after controlling for sex, race/ethnicity, and grade level. This means that
students with higher grades are less likely to engage in sexual risk behaviours than their classmates with lower grades,
and students who do not engage in sexual risk behaviours receive higher grades than their classmates who do engage in
sexual risk behaviours. Obviously these associations do not prove causation as social class norms, parental expectations and values will impact.

Students with higher grades are significantly less likely to have engaged in behaviors such as
• Ever having sexual intercourse.
• Having sexual intercourse for the first time before age 13 years.
• Having sexual intercourse with four or more persons during their life.
• Being currently sexually active (having sexual intercourse with at least one person during the 3 months
before the survey).
• Drinking alcohol or using drugs before last sexual intercourse.
• Not using a condom during last sexual intercourse.

Of course it is entirely up to parents where they sit on it and no view (except the illegal ones) is wrong but I remain pleased we actively discouraged premature sexual activity.

@multivac

working for exams, playing in orchestra's, ballet training, rugby, voluntary work or paid work, youth theatre, youth parliament, that sort of thing.

Gosh. I have a full time job, two kids to support through GCSEs and transport to activities and a house to maintain. I am a school governor and charity Trustee. I also write, record and perform with a band and have a couple of other hobbies, too.

And yet I still find time for regular sex!

Did your kids struggle with other aspects of timetable management, CherryPav?

One did as she is dyslexic but not the others. They just had very packed schedules and aiming for the highest grades usually takes effort and missing out on other things. I can't believe you manage to fit SO much in multivac. How impressive.

We let DD's boyfriend stay over in her room. She was 17y and they'd been together several months. They're 18 now.

Before that he stayed over in the spare room.

Tbh it came about simply because we couldn't be bothered to make the spare bed up on evening after a drink or two 😂 And then thinking about it, it seemed daft not to let them in the end.

I wasn't allowed to stay over with Dh, or Dh with me, as teens and even during university years!!

Though oddly enough when dd and her boyfriend visited my parents this summer they were out in the same room together automatically! My parents have obviously changed their thoughts in these things!

Under 16 I wouldn't have allowed it at all though. And I would've be happy with casual flings and one night standard happening under my roof either.

I think once at sixth form age, especially upper sixth, with an established partner it's different thiugh.

Tbh, Cherry, I think the sex helps with the rest of it. Worth considering.

They don't have to have a sleepover to have sex. Stopping them from staying over isn't going to stop them from having sex.

DS is only 1 year old at the moment so this is a long way off for us but while we will emphasise love, relationships, respect, consent etc I can't see us banning sleepovers. It's one of those things where we won't encourage, but we won't condone either.

Oh yeah and we took DS's gf on holiday with us. It was lovely

'Allowing children under the age of sixteen to share a bed with a boyfriend is encouraging illegal/underage sex. That may not fit comfortably but it would take Boris Johnson to twist that into discouraging them. Clearly I have touched a few raw nerves.'

Yes and I don't believe many (if any) have suggested underage sex is to be encouraged. Perhaps they did and I missed it.

Most have said older teens sharing a bed in the family home (17 and above) who are in a loving relationship is something they would consider and support. Obviously after discussions about consent, contraception etc.

'Students with higher grades are significantly less likely to have engaged in behaviors such as • Ever having sexual intercourse. • Having sexual intercourse for the first time before age 13 years.'

13! Well that's hardly a newsflash is it.

Most people here are referring to college age and above, not school kids.

Allowing children under the age of sixteen to share a bed with a boyfriend is encouraging illegal/underage sex.

Where on this thread has any poster said that they condone this?

As I said earlier, when DD's boyfriend started staying over it was to sleep in the spare room because getting home late on a Saturday was problematical. They didn't start sharing a bed until much later on in the relationship.

I have had this conversation with a friend and she said never and I said yes as I'd prefer them to be safe.

I have 2 toddlers so definitely nowhere near that stage yet but when they're 16/17 and have been with their partners for 6 months plus, I'll allow them to stay over.

When I was a teenager my parents didn't want my boyfriend staying over and I explained to them that not having them sleepover isn't going to stop me sleeping with them. After they realised that, my boyfriend was allowed to stay.

I did, by then Dd and her bf had been friends for 4 years (but known each other since Primary school),together 6 months and it was summer holidays, a few weeks off her 16th birthday.
Celebrating 4 years in February in the home they now share.
It was a specific set of circumstances, not just any guy/anytime, still wouldn't be if she ever moved home and she's 19 now.
I have no regrets about my decision.

I think it depends on whether you have younger DC or not. And how to decide what is an 'established' or 'long term ' relationship rather than casual .

We were lucky, I think. Only child DS didn't have his first GF until he was 17. He initially asked if she could stay over when they'd been together about 3 weeks, which we thought was too soon as we had no idea how long it would last. Not having a spare room she stopped on the sofa until he was 18 and they had been together 4 months . They are still together over 18 months later.

Most of our friends didn't allow bedroom sharing with their oldest DC due to younger siblings , and their DCs also had their first relationships at a younger age .

I do think that when your child is pre school or primary age, 15 seems a nearly adult, but once your children turn that age , you realise that they are still children .

I do think that when your child is pre school or primary age, 15 seems a nearly adult, but once your children turn that age, you realise that they are still children

I agree. I also think that any older age seems mature and sensible until your child reaches that age

My closest friend has 3 now adult children, 25, 24, 22, I've know them for 20 years.
The two youngest are both in v long relationships, (5 yrs+) the eldest casual flings.
The oldest isn't allowed to bring them home, so it's not just age based.
There's also a 13yr old to take into consideration.

It's not on to bring ONS to your parents house. Who does this? It's so disrespectful.

Dd wouldn't get past the front door, I don't think it would have ever crossed her mind though, I made it very clear I was accepting her Bf staying, not any random male.
They're still together anyway so it's a moot point now.

In theory I wouldn't have anything against it. In practice, nooooo! I think it also depends on your house and family. My DS's room is right next to mine. He also has two younger siblings who would probably be far too interested. Just wouldn't really work.