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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

277 replies

spicysauce · 19/11/2020 22:29

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/11/2020 09:19

I'm with the liberal view on this. My DD2 is in a long term (2 years +) relationship with her GF and when she stays over, they're in the same bed. They're both 17 and we had all kinds of problems with GF's mum, who couldn't handle the fact that her DD was gay (we have grudging acceptance these days). For a while it looked as if GF was going to end up living with us as mum was considering throwing her out. It ended up with a no sleepover rule until they were both 16, which DD2 and I were fine with, and we've had no problems since.

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 09:21

pointythings

You had problems with a mum who didn’t want her 15 year old daughter being in a sexual relationship and having overnight stays? Sounds like she had problems with you, tbh.

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 21/11/2020 09:23

I thought (and said) that no sleeping over until they were over 18, and no casual relationships or one night stands

Now purely coincidentally the 18 bit wasnt an issue at all

But both were very early on in their relationships...in fact 1 still isn’t in a relationship and theyve been seeing each other for ages, This is going to sound stupid but i know they haven’t had sex here so I’m not sure what i would have done

I still wouldn’t allow one night stands but as i say my children got to an acceptable age without the issue coming up

(Even child 3 is fast approaching 18 without this issue coming up)

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 21/11/2020 09:25

Oh sorry

Acceptable age for me and my rules...not necessarily for anyone else

(And i didnt make it to 18 put it that way)

CherryPavlova · 21/11/2020 09:26

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

We wanted better things for our children and reared them from a young age to have higher aspirations.

Let me get this straight: you're actually saying with all seriousness that you class taking drugs, smoking and having sex as synonymous, and that young people who engage in any of these behaviours have low aspirations?

And that your children in not having sex were in some way better than young people that do have sex?

Do you have any idea how utterly batshit crazy that sounds?

Actually yes, I do think children who don’t have sex are better off than children who are encouraged to. I’d much prefer my children to be studying and working to build a good future for themselves, to understand that sex is far better in a committed relationship and that hedonistic behaviour rarely reaped long term benefits.

In terms of legality taking drugs and sex under sixteen are both breaking the law. Supporting either pits children at risk. Children indulging in those behaviours do have lower achievement (Kirby, 2002a; Miller & Sneesby, 1988). For us, achievement was somewhat more important than aspiration. Anyone can aspire but you need to get the work and focus in to achieve. Taking drugs doesn’t generally help that.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 21/11/2020 09:32

It's a tricky one. It's like we probably always thought our pfbs wouldn't have ugly plastic toys and would only eat organic food, then when you have them it all goes out the window.

I always thought that I'd never agree to boyfriends and girlfriends sleeping over but once they've left school (obviously) and are in loving relationships it is actually a very normal progression and they become part of the extended family tbh.

I think as parents it can be a difficult step and there's no right or wrong. Equating it to crime and drug use is patently ridiculous though.

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 09:34

Equating it to crime and drug use is patently ridiculous though.

It’s about risky behaviours. I think 15/16 is too young for a committed relationship, and I think being in a sexual relationship too early can be risky.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/11/2020 09:37

Mine are younger but I would not be condoning and encouraging sexual relationships whilst they're still children. I'm surprised how controversial that idea is.
Growing up once I was at Uni bf was allowed to sleep over when we were home for holidays but it was 1 night a weekend at each house kind of thing not every night.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 21/11/2020 09:39

15 is too young yes but even by 16 to 17 things change emotional development wise. I'm not saying I'd actively encourage it. But if a 17 year wanted their long term 17 year old bf to sleep over, someone I knew and had spent time with then yes I'd allowed it. I wouldn't judge anyone who would say no, we all have our different boundaries but the smug 'my kids have aspirations!' or similar is all a bit ott.

A 17 year old who had a different boyfriend every week then no.

crochetcrazy1978 · 21/11/2020 09:40

My daughter has been with her boyfriend since she was 14. We started allowing him to sleepover when they were both 16. My parents never allowed my boyfriend to sleep over even at age 18 and I remember thinking it was ludicrous. We have the same rule of 'I don't want to listen to it' I also had a chat with his mum to make sure she was happy with it too

GetOffYourHighHorse · 21/11/2020 09:46

Also our kids have all done well academically (I'd go so far as to call them high achievers Grin) so the idea that you can't have a healthy long term relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, feel able to talk openly with parents and study and be a high achiever is bollocks.

movingonup20 · 21/11/2020 09:48

I let mine from 17. Not casual relationships but once I had met them etc. Dd2 is still with her dp from then years on

thegirlwithkaleidoscopeeyes · 21/11/2020 09:50

At 15/16 yes but in separate rooms. At 18/19 just yes. No serious partners at 17 for either of my older 2 so not been an issue Grin

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2020 09:51

Yes it as they are 15 the BF has to sleep in her brothers room!
He doesn’t live within walking distance so it means we/his parents don’t have to worry about drop offs or pick ups.

multivac · 21/11/2020 09:55

@flaviaritt

I wasn't 'accepting' that either of my 15-year-olds would be shagging their girlfriends. And they didn't

But the girlfriends stayed over, same room, same bed?

Same room, not same bed. And always with a twin brother in the room too. Pretty sure there were no threesomes.
flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 09:55

Same room, not same bed. And always with a twin brother in the room too. Pretty sure there were no threesomes.

That’s not what this thread is about, then. I’m not talking about sleepovers.

RealBecca · 21/11/2020 09:57

B.

My discomfort around my adult child having a sex life is less important than them being safe and hopefully honest with me and will hopefully facilitate a dialogue about safe sex.

multivac · 21/11/2020 10:08

@flaviaritt

Same room, not same bed. And always with a twin brother in the room too. Pretty sure there were no threesomes.

That’s not what this thread is about, then. I’m not talking about sleepovers.

Checks thread title

Rereads OP

Are we on the same thread?

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 10:10

This thread is about teenagers having intimate relationships and sharing a room as a couple. If they are sleeping in the same room with a third person, you know this isn’t a sexual relationship, it’s a sleepover.

multivac · 21/11/2020 10:11

It's a serious point. Everyone seems to be assuming that letting the girlfriend/boyfriend sleep over = condoning, or even encouraging, sex. It doesn't. Making sleeping over a Big Deal that is suddenly allowed on their 16th birthday, or when the relationship hits six months just might, though....

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 10:15

Everyone seems to be assuming that letting the girlfriend/boyfriend sleep over = condoning, or even encouraging, sex.

If there are no safeguard in place, for example a third person in the room, it is condoning it. If otherwise, there’s no issue.

Ginfordinner · 21/11/2020 10:18

When DD's ex bpyfriend started staying over they were in different bedrooms to start with, and yes, they did sleep in different bedrooms to start with Smile

iolaus · 21/11/2020 10:20

As my 18 year old's boyfriend is staying over tonight I have to say yes

However my rule would be only if they have been together for a while (probably few months) and not on and off again - they've been together about 18 months now - I think it was 3-4months in that they started staying over at each others houses

I wouldn't let them have random hook ups stay

multivac · 21/11/2020 10:22

@flaviaritt

Everyone seems to be assuming that letting the girlfriend/boyfriend sleep over = condoning, or even encouraging, sex.

If there are no safeguard in place, for example a third person in the room, it is condoning it. If otherwise, there’s no issue.

We will have to agree to disagree on that.
Malbecfan · 21/11/2020 10:29

@GetOffYourHighHorse, I agree with everything you have written.

For context I have 2 DDS, now 21 & 19. I taught in their school so knew all their friends. DD1 stayed over at a bf house when she was 16 but was completely upfront and said she didn't want a sexual relationship. That changed when she went out with a classmate just before she was 18 and she did sleep with him. I did allow him to stay over in her room - the main stipulation was that I am way too young to be a granny and I didn't want to hear them, just as they probably didn't want to hear us.

Thankfully that relationship was kiboshed by his awful mother and she has now been with her current chap for almost 2 years. They are at the same university and in normal times are probably at it like rabbits. She stays in his room when she visits his family home and he stays in hers when he comes here. In fact, he came in July and because of COVID, we let them use the holiday cottage next to our house so they had a bit more privacy.

DD2 has not had any such relationships that I am aware of.

As a young adult, my mother was adamant there would be nothing "under my roof". I don't want to be a hypocrite. I want my DDs to feel that they can discuss anything with me - DD was given a vibrator as a joke present for her 21st and asked me what I thought of it!! It's so much healthier both physically and mentally to be relaxed and open about sex and relationships. I think of it a bit like alcohol. I have always encouraged them to try a sip of wine or G&T so it demystifies the whole drink thing. Now, they have a broadly good relationship with alcohol. DD1 prefers sweeter wine to me and is more of a white wine girl than I am, but each to their own. By introducing it in a calm and laid-back manner, it really hasn't caused an issue.