to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

[spicysauce]

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

My parents used to let me have my BF sleep over, and they are of a much older generation.

I think I was 17 and he was 19 at the time, and we had been together for a good few months.

20 years later, and we are married with two DC.

I suppose it would very much depend on the bf/gf and your thoughts about them.

My Mum and Dad thought my DH was lovely (and he is) my Mum also had a very restricted upbringing, wasn't even allowed to paint her nails, and wound up getting married to her first Husband at 18 which was a huge mistake on many levels, so I think her very restrictive upbringing which led to a bit of rebellion, probably had a huge part to play in things as well.

I think because of how they were with me, that I'd like to be the same with my own dc (provided I like their partners and they've been together a while first) a few years to go before we find ourselves at that stage though.

I wouldn’t have allowed either of my children to have boyfriends/girlfriends stay over at ages 15/16. My daughter asked for a serious boyfriend to stay over when she was about 18 and that was fine. She once brought a random guy back after a night out when she was a bit older (maybe 19) both her father and brother heard them so I went through her like a ton of bricks! She never did it again! My son didn’t have any serious girlfriends in his teens so thankfully I didn’t have to look out for someone’s else’s daughter.

We started to let DS1's girlfriend stay over when they'd been together around a year, he was just shy of 16, she was 16 and a half. DS came to us very honestly and said they hadn't had sex but things were going that way and we (DH and I and gf's parents) agreed it was better for them to be safe at one of their homes. If we'd said no I'm sure they probably would have done it anyway just somewhere else or hastily after school before anyone else got home! Now 18 and 19, in normal times she's here one or two nights, DS is there one or two nights. Never felt uncomfortable or that we made a mistake, they've always been quiet and respectful, definitely never felt over invested in their sex life, apart from the initial conversation I can't recall it coming up!

All I know is I had some of the best sex I’ve ever had whilst staying over at a boyfriends house while his mother was in the other room. In the morning once I’d left she apparently said she heard everything and it was very, very embarrassing 🥴

So I’m going to say in principle I wouldn’t mind as long as it was a committed relationship but I’m kind of hoping they might keep it down 🤦🏻‍♀️

18 or over yes.I really wish the age of consent was 18 tbh it just seems right to me.

My parents let my boyfriend stay over when I was about 18! But what doesn't make sense is they let me stay at his every weekend from 17! Out of sight out of mind maybe

AriesTheRam

So do I. There is a reason why most of us feel uncomfortable with the idea of 16 year olds having sex in our homes. It’s because it’s too young.

@flaviaritt they can drink and vote and are classed an adult at 18 so why are they allowed to have sex when not officially an adult? Its all kinds of wrong and I say that as someone who first had sex at 14.

Nobody in my family of origin had a boyfriend till Sis2 was at university. When he visited he obviously stayed over (in the - goodness, I can't even remember what we were using at that point, probably the lounge floor). Don't know whether she crept around, or whether they were having actual sex - probably not, Christian Society people.

Actually that's possibly not true. Sis1 had some sort of gentleman friend when she was in Florence but we never met him

Sis3's first boyfriend, in 6th form, was from non-school activity and lived about 10 miles away, so it made sense for them to stay overnight at each other's houses. Again, sleeping separately. They weren't having Actual Sex but what they were doing was happening during broad daylight!

We were always provided with separate beds up until the wedding (the only time this really involved cognitive dissonance was when we were perfectly well aware Sis2 had moved in with her boyfriend, two hundred miles away...)

I haven't really had to deal with this yet - S1 hasn't had a romantic relationship except for a low-key thing with the daughter of friends, and S2's was this summer. I imagine if S1, currently at university, asked to have someone visit we would give them separate beds and leave them to it.

We were what I've seen considered lax parents in that we let him attend mixed sleepovers in Year 10.

flaviaritt they can drink and vote and are classed an adult at 18 so why are they allowed to have sex when not officially an adult?

I’m really not sure at all. I think it would make far more sense. It would also put another obstacle in the way of creepy adults predating on teenagers.

It never came up until DS went to university. He then met a girl on his year abroad. When she came over to the UK she stayed with us in his room. No problem with that at all but then he was 20 by then.
If he'd had a long term girlfriend when he had been a bit younger, but over 16, I think I'd have have been fine with it if her parents were.

I allowed both my DD and DS to have their boyfriend/girlfriend to stay at 18 and 16 respectively - basically the first time it arose. They did ask me first if it was okay. I did ask my DS that his GF's parents were okay with it and he said yes.

I didn't say they had to have been together with them a particular period of time. If I said only after 6 months it's not as if they wouldn't already have had sex. So I can't see how that prevents casual relationships.

Sex is natural and nothing to be ashamed of - early experiences can be formative so why not ensure it's in a comfortable and safe place,

I tend to encourage my DC to make intelligent decisions for themselves. I make sure there's always condoms in the bathroom cabinet in case they are needed.

My DDs subsequent BF has stayed here too. Fine by me. Nothing I wasn't doing. We have a very open and honest relationship so she will raise issues with me about sex and sexual health with me when she wants to. My DS not so much but he knows he could raise issues if he wanted to.

My dcs are too young right now but if we're still living in our current house (probable) then they won't be allowed boyfriends/girlfriends to sleep over because the dcs share a bedroom.

If they have their own room and both they and their boyfried/girlfriend were over 16 then I'd have not problem with them staying over so long as they were respectful of everyone else in the house and weren't making a racket.

If I said only after 6 months it's not as if they wouldn't already have had sex. So I can't see how that prevents casual relationships.

All my friends at school who had boyfriends aged 16 (by no means all of my friends had them) waited at least six months before full sex.

Tricky one for me as I had a bad experience, I was sent to stay with my boyfriend at 15/16 (for weeks at a time in the run up to GCSEs) because my dad was an alcoholic and police were regularly being called to DV incidents in my home. The police recommended I go and stay elsewhere when my dad was bingeing so my mum arranged this with my boyfriend’s parents.

My boyfriends (religious) mum said she would set up a spare bed in the dining room for me but never bothered to do it so I was sleeping in his single bed with him every night, getting coerced into all sorts of sexual things all night and then having to get up early for school the next day (he lived several miles and two long bus rides away from school).

The boyfriend was controlling and I was pretty much handed on a plate to him as my parents were preoccupied with my dad’s drinking and abuse so no one was looking out for me, also we teenagers were far too young at that age to be living ‘as man and wife’ in a single bed every night and before long we were arguing and he was being violent to me. There was one incident where he was pinning me to the floor in his bedroom and hitting me and his mum walked in and pulled him away. She told me “he hits me too” and then asked “are you going to tell your mum?” to which I said no (I had decided it was easier to be hit by my boyfriend than it was to be at hone and watch my dad hit my mum 😓).

I tried to leave his house once during an argument and as I was walking down the garden path he took a running kick and kicked me in the back causing me to go flying down the garden path and fell on my face, this was all in front of a teenage school friend of ours.

I was also coerced into doing much of his GCSE coursework while there, so for example I’d write my own Othello coursework and then have to rewrite it again in completely different words for him to submit in his name (which is harder than you think and took me hours).

So i have decided that if there is any sleeping over when DC reach that stage there will be certain rules.

No sleeping over underage
Long term relationships only
Occasional weekend sleepovers only (no school nights)
Prefer them here so I can make sure they are getting on ok
Watch out for red flags (a given anyway but even more vigilance required if they are sharing a room)
Never be so self absorbed that you don’t notice what your children are going through

Teenagers can and do enjoy sex but should have their own space apart and not be in a position where they share a bed every night until they are a bit more mature.

@CherryPavlova

No. If they are under sixteen it is illegal. Why would you condone and even encourage law breaking? Our expectation was that they didn’t have casual sex. We didn’t let them have ‘serious’ relationships as children either. Sex is an adult activity and they were brought up knowing that they were perfectly normal to not start sleeping around at a young age. Interestingly the U.K. average is eighteen to lose virginity, so we aren’t alone in thinking children and sex don’t mix.

It's not 'illegal' for under sixteens to have sleepovers, for goodness' sake. The OP didn't ask 'would you let your 14-year-old son and his girlfriend fuck'. That's a different question. Unless, you know, you think that sex only happens in a bed at night...

Also laughing at 'not letting them have serious relationships'. I mean, how on earth does one police that? 'Quentin, you have been to the park with Jessica for two Saturdays in a row now. I fear this is becoming serious - therefore you may no longer see each other!'

Unless, you know, you think that sex only happens in a bed at night... hmm

Such a MN line. No, sex doesn’t only happen in a bed at night. But if you allow two 15 year olds who are going out to share a bed at night, you are pretty much accepting that it will happen.

@flaviaritt

Unless, you know, you think that sex only happens in a bed at night... hmm

Such a MN line. No, sex doesn’t only happen in a bed at night. But if you allow two 15 year olds who are going out to share a bed at night, you are pretty much accepting that it will happen.

Speak for yourself. I wasnt, and it didn't. Times two.

Speak for yourself. I wasnt, and it didn't. Times two

Sorry, didn’t quite understand that.

DD is 17, she's been with her BF for 3 years so yes they do sleep over in the same bed. I wouldn't allow it with casual partners though, the trust has to be earned.

I agree with everyone who says teenagers will have sex if they are going to. Better that they feel comfortable doing so in their own home than sneaking around somewhere unsafe. My mum took me to get put on the pill at 16. My boyfriend's parents were super strict and so he never told them we were even going out.

I wasn't allowed to stay over at my bf's house until I was 18, even though we'd been together since we were 15 (because according to mum I would end up pregnant AND get an STI). So we did what any 16 year old would do and have sex during the day 🤷‍♀️ At least in the night you sleep somewhat.

My 17yo can have gf over but in spare room. Once he's 18 he can do what he likes. I have a feeling he shares her room when he's at hers...

[quote spicysauce]@Takethewinefromtheswine

See, I agree with you and I have the same thoughts.

But then I also agree with the point of view that it's better to have them do it under your roof than anywhere else...

Difficult, isn't it.[/quote]
Underage though you're facilitating a criminal offence. Does not sit well with me. Post 16 then maybe I agree witj safer under my roof. Before 16 DC really would hopefully be sensible enough not to do it.