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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

277 replies

spicysauce · 19/11/2020 22:29

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

OP posts:
Storyoftonight · 20/11/2020 20:49

Id let them over. They will do it at some point regardless and better with your trust.

My mum was so ridiculous about things I never told her anything and still don't, and I did all sorts of daft shit when I was young that she had no idea about

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 20:52

I just keep thinking about the idea of actual 15/16 year olds I know and have known, and letting them into my house to have sex is just a no. It would feel grubby and irresponsible.

KittyMcKitty · 20/11/2020 20:53

Ds now 17 (year 13) has been in a serious relationship with his gf since he was 15 (start of yr 11). Up until last summer they had to sleep in separate rooms (although that seemed to mean between 2 & 6 am) but now they sleep together. They are very much in love.

I wouldn’t be happy with this if it were a string of ONS / casual relationships though.

topcat2014 · 20/11/2020 20:58

Ideally I am unaware of dd having a partner until the engagement is announced.

Only half joking..

Mumoftwo1990 · 20/11/2020 21:02

@spicysauce

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

I think that when the time comes I will talk to my girls and set boundaries, if they push them then they won't have their boyfriend or girlfriend staying over. It's just about communication with teenagers
Rae34 · 20/11/2020 21:08

I was 16 when I started staying over with my then boyfriend but we started having sex a few months before my 16th. It was a really and safe and pleasant experience partially because we were in an environment we felt comfortable in.

I am certain that we would have ended up having sex somewhere else and possibly while under the influence at a party or something if we hadnt had that private space.

We were together for several years and remain friends to this day.

AuntieMarys · 20/11/2020 21:12

I let ds and his girlfriend when they were 16 and in 6th form. They are still together 6 years later.

multivac · 20/11/2020 22:00

@flaviaritt

Speak for yourself. I wasnt, and it didn't. Times two

Sorry, didn’t quite understand that.

I wasn't 'accepting' that either of my 15-year-olds would be shagging their girlfriends. And they didn't Smile
multivac · 20/11/2020 22:04

I mean, I realise that must Mumsnet Darlings have their own private suite several corridors away from the master bedroom... but I can't be the only poster who reckoned the last place a 15-year-old would choose to have sex would be in a tiny two up two down, with his brother in the same room, his parents next door, and walls like paper?! I mean, there are some lovely parks nearby..?

multivac · 20/11/2020 22:06

'most' - not must

multivac · 20/11/2020 22:46

I think people are missing a whole heap of nuance here. I mean, it's not that 'sure, Maisie [who, by the way, lives 15 miles away and not on a later bus route] can sleep over on a ready bed in your room ' = 'Hey kids! Go ahead and have sex with my blessing!' Nor that 'No sleepovers' means that you've somehow transmitted Good Values and therefore dodged the underage sex bullet. Imo, doing the right thing by your teenage sons - and their girlfriends or boyfriends - is about constant conversation. Instilling an understanding of consent and boundaries. And establishing mutual respect. Not an arbitrary cut off where 'sleepovers' are out of the question one day and suddenly sanctified the next.

WitchesNStuff · 20/11/2020 23:13

17/18 yos I would be happy with, my parents were very laid back with me and having people stay over. 15/16 I would decide depending on the situation. Unlikely at 15 really I would think, esp as I have boys so then that would likely mean underage girls and that isn't OK IMO but I definitely don't want them in some park somewhere having sex!

WitchesNStuff · 20/11/2020 23:14

I meant as I have boys it would underage girls that aren't my responsibility. Its not something I would be ok with

multivac · 20/11/2020 23:56

Call me crazy, but I looked after my sons' girlfriends like they were my daughters. In loco parentis, no? We are still friends with them and their families.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 21/11/2020 01:51

With my pfb (only one of my children where the situation has applied) his first serious girlfriend stayed over at ours, and he stayed at hers after they'd been together about a year. They were 16/17.
His second serious girlfriend, who later became my DiL, lived with us for ages when they were 18 after an incident with her mother's boyfriend. (We never quite found out just what happened but she was distraught and, well, we could guess, her mam was agreeable, and she moved in until they got a flat together).
Never bothered us in the slightest.

WyfOfBathe · 21/11/2020 03:11

My parents didn’t let me and DH sleep in the same room at theirs until we were married!

I had panic attacks the first times I tried to have sex as an adult. It was with a boyfriend I’d been with for a while, loved, was attracted to and wanted to have sex with. But my parents had always portrayed sex as such a dangerous thing (physically and spiritually) that it scared me.

It’s hard to know exactly what I’d do as my DC are still at primary school, but I feel like once they’re 16 and in a relationship, I would allow it. I’d rather they’re informed and feel safe than either sneak off or get as scared as I was.

Caeruleanblue · 21/11/2020 03:43

I would be ok if it was a long term relationship, at least 6 months, and hopefully would therefore know the b/gfriend, and also hopefully, would approve of them.

Wandafishcake · 21/11/2020 06:43

Lol I am in my 30s and my mum still wont let my boyfriend and I share arm room at her house as we are unmarried Hmm Hmm Hmm

Littleposh · 21/11/2020 06:48

I did when she got to 16 for all the same reasons you stated. He had been around for a while, we'd spent time together, she knew his family etc. She's 20 now and has a new boyfriend who stays over but same rules, established relationships only, no casual sex

StarlightLady · 21/11/2020 07:16

Yes, l would allow it.

Sister and l both had people were in a friendship with, stay over when we were teens (l’m 40s now) and l appreciated that. I would not like to apply double standards.

Looking back, mum was annoyed when l first started having sex, not that l was actually having sex, but because l hadn’t told her.

Interestingly though, l rarely had sex with boys unless mum and dad were out.

bonbonours · 21/11/2020 07:37

@flaviaritt
The reason we feel uncomfortable with it is not because it's wrong, It's because we are their parents and we still think of them as babies, and don't like the idea of them having sex. Remember how you felt at 16? 16 is the age of consent and as such it is officially not too young!
The vast majority of teenagers feel VERY uncomfortable with their parents having sex, does that mean that this is also wrong??

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 07:47

Remember how you felt at 16? 16 is the age of consent and as such it is officially not too young!

I do. I felt too young to be having sex.

CherryPavlova · 21/11/2020 07:48

We didn’t let our children steal cars or keep drugs in their bedroom either. My children would be safer getting vomiting drunk on alcohol in their bedroom than at a party.
Some youngsters do, so I’d be odd and unreasonable not too. What a silly argument.

It’s really not inevitable. It’s about boundaries. It’s about their safety and the law. We didn’t want teenage pregnancies, STDs etc. We didn’t let them into cars driven by children either. It’s about not accepting as normal something that isn’t. It’s about giving them the self assurance and facts to know it’s not unusual or weird not to be having sex, taking drugs or smoking. We wanted better things for our children and reared them from a young age to have higher aspirations.

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 07:49

I wasn't 'accepting' that either of my 15-year-olds would be shagging their girlfriends. And they didn't

But the girlfriends stayed over, same room, same bed?

flaviaritt · 21/11/2020 07:53

The vast majority of teenagers feel VERY uncomfortable with their parents having sex, does that mean that this is also wrong??

No.

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