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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

277 replies

spicysauce · 19/11/2020 22:29

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 20/11/2020 14:48

From age 17. Not before.

LondonStone · 20/11/2020 14:51

Well, my parents trusted my sister and I to be 1) respectful and 2) sensible and she’s just had a baby (25) and I’m TTC (30).

When my sister met her (now)husband at 18, his parents were so strict with him and his little sister... boyfriends or girlfriends did not stay over, ever. Her DH was 19 at the time so not a child but their house, their rules. His sister got pregnant at 17.

I think it really is a case of being open and sensible. It still makes us laugh that his parents were so strict and then their daughter had a baby at 18. Obviously they absolutely love the little girl (who is 7 now!) but their attitude to sex really didn’t work in their favour this time!

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 14:51

I’d rather my teen have stolen moments where she can express her lust than feel pressure to treat a teenage romance as more than it is.

Or for her to get to adulthood wondering whether her family could hear anything, whether there was a level of over-involvement from her parents, feeling weird around us etc.

Sex is for adult relationships. I’d be happy for my DD to go on dates at 16 but I wouldn’t be setting her up with her own love pad.

thetaleunfolds · 20/11/2020 14:52

Not at all. I know teenagers are likely to have sex, but I'm not going to provide for it to happen under my roof.

Once my child is in a serious, long term relationship then fair enough. But definitely being used for stop overs

chasingmytail4 · 20/11/2020 14:54

When I was faced with this with my daughter when she was 16 I explained that her boyfriend could stay, but had to sleep in a different room until the relationship was well established, even though I knew they were having a sexual relationship. This was particularly important to me because I had younger children and I wanted them to get the message that sex was for committed relationships - my view, not necessarily everyone's. They began sharing a room after being together for one year, they've now been together for 10 and live together.

That message got through because now my younger children are late teens they know and respect the rules. I would not want to encounter random people I didn't know in my kitchen in the morning!

Moominmammacat · 20/11/2020 15:01

Over 16 yes, if in relationship (ie, more than a month) under 16 no. Used to tell my DD she'd go to prison if he did as boy was younger.

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 15:05

Over 16 yes, if in relationship (ie, more than a month)

4 weeks?! You’d let your 16 YO have her boyfriend to stay over and let them carry on a sexual relationship after one month?

I thought I was unshockable.

MustardMitt · 20/11/2020 15:06

Option B for me - but this assumes it’s not a casual relationship, that they’re respectful, and that they’re both over the age of 16. I would probably also have a ‘no sleepovers in the same room’ from 16-18, for no other reason that that was how it worked for me growing up, and it worked well - bit like what @chasingmytail4 says.

I only ever had two boyfriends stay over other than my now husband. Never took the piss.

RBKB · 20/11/2020 15:07

Lol @flaviaritt HIYA!!! #waves. You quoted my post sweetcheeks. Ages ago. So that implied that you were talking about me. Anyway...boring. There are some interesting points on this discussion and I thoroughly agree that younger teens WANT boundaries set... I was given too much freedom at 15 and would have preferred a 'no sleep over' rule at that age. What I find a bit 'icky' is parents who seem tofind any kind of sex taking place under their roof, to be inherently disturbing, whatever the age of the child.

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 15:09

RBKB

Aye, okay.

RBKB · 20/11/2020 15:10

@flaviaritt well I can't argue with that kinda cohesive logical response now can I 🤣🤣🤣🤣

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 15:12

I’m not really interested in arguing with you.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/11/2020 15:13

This has angered me immensely while raising girls. The parents of boys generally don't give a shit about their randy sons having sex tither and yon if they don't get girls pregnant.

This may be what you are like as a parent of boys, but please don't tar all of us with your own low standards.

Or is it that you don't have boys and are just leaping to assumptions about how those of us who do parent, whilst polishing your own halo as the mother of a saintly girl?

RBKB · 20/11/2020 15:14

Then don't quote my posts then. It's simples innit

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 15:17

RBKB

For some reason you automatically think someone doing that is inviting argument. I wasn’t. It was a simple comment on my thoughts. You then became insulting. But anyway, let’s leave it there.

riotlady · 20/11/2020 15:17

I will allow sleepovers. I’m not so fussed about them being in a long term relationship as I don’t think sex needs to be in a relationship, what’s important to me is that they don’t feel pressured, they have respect for themselves and others, and a healthy understanding of consent.

shamalidacdak · 20/11/2020 15:18

Absolutely no kids partners staying in my house unless they are in a long term relationship and long out of their teens.

NC4Now · 20/11/2020 15:28

I let DS girlfriend stay when they were 17/18 and had been together about six months. They’ve broken up now and I’ve made it clear I don’t want him bringing random girls back from the pub.
I like to know who’s in my house!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 20/11/2020 15:35

DS isn't in a relationship but if he were I think it would be fine as long as the girl was 16. He's 16.

KrisKringlesLeftNostril · 20/11/2020 15:40

There is obviously a big difference between a 13 year old and a 19 year old teenager. I think I would allow it with an 18/19 year old, in a longer term relationship (ie not just met a few weeks ago), but honestly not sure I'd be fully comfortable with it really!

No way would it be happening with an underage DC or underage partner. Inappropriate IMO, even if it's happening elsewhere.

Whoknowswhenlockdownwillend · 20/11/2020 15:41

We’ve always allowed our now adult child to have boyfriends stay over.
From a safety perspective I would rather he was with his boyfriend in the safety of his own home than anywhere else.

They are very respectful of us and it didn’t come up until he was about 18. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer, each to their own.

AnathemaPulsifer · 20/11/2020 15:41

Mine are teens and I would allow sleepovers aged 16+ and in a committed relationship.

multivac · 20/11/2020 15:45

My 14-year-olds had sleepovers with their girlfriends, pretty regularly. They weren't having sex (and you can roll your eyes as much as you like - I know this for a fact). We spoke about boundaries as we went along, and tbh, it was no different from them having any of their other mates round to stay.

Both relationships ended just before lockdown. The boys will be 16 in January - and the idea of a 'sleepover' with a girlfriend will be somewhat different now, should they get together with anyone else and ask at that point. But on the whole, I think I'll still be ok with it. For a start, they share a room - so when sex does start happening, I very much doubt it will be overnight in the bedroom, making 'sleepovers' or not kinda moot...

ErickBroch · 20/11/2020 15:47

Depends on age and longevity/seriousness of relationship. My mum let my bf stay over once I was 17+ and we had been together for a good amount of time and it was clearly serious. Absolutely no way to 'flings' even when I was in my 20s and living at home - wouldn't have dreamed of it anyway.

2bazookas · 20/11/2020 15:52

When my mother knew I was in an established relationship that included sex, if he stayed over at home it was in my room and in my bed.

We had the same policy with our own kids. The qualifying factor was "in a relationship". No randoms or one night stands under the family roof.