to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

[spicysauce]

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

No. If they are under sixteen it is illegal. Why would you condone and even encourage law breaking?
Our expectation was that they didn’t have casual sex. We didn’t let them have ‘serious’ relationships as children either. Sex is an adult activity and they were brought up knowing that they were perfectly normal to not start sleeping around at a young age.
Interestingly the U.K. average is eighteen to lose virginity, so we aren’t alone in thinking children and sex don’t mix.

DS's girlfriend has stayed over - you know, in those days before the apocalypse when someone coming to your house was a thing that could happen. But this is a committed relationship, we have met her parents, and know that we're on the same page with regard to what we're happy with. We've had the safe sex talk with DS, and also the enthusiastic consent talk.

They're both in the U6. My feeling is that my parents were very strict and as a result when I went to university, I was hopelessly naive and really quite vulnerable. Looking back, I made some bad choices as a result of going through so few of those normal learning experiences and rites of passage as a younger teenager - I'd barely even kissed a boy before leaving home and was suddenly propelled into an environment where young men were certainly expecting a lot more than that very quickly.

I am relieved that DS is learning to navigate these tricky waters of relationships in a safer way than I did.

16+ and not casual relationships.

I haven’t

DS (18) has a GF for 1.5 years, but she has not stayed over.

They are often home alone, well, they were before lockdown, as we are often out

I am not trying to control them

But be having sleepovers for GFs I feel that as a parent I am putting the expectation out there (and pressure even) for them to have sex. I don’t want to stop it/forbid it, but neither do I want to put pressure on the girl by actively setting it up.

So no sleepovers here

For my siblings and I, the point at which we left home at 18 for university/ apprenticeships marked the point at which our parents started treating us as adults and equals, rather than children (unlimited access to alcohol, partners allowed to stay in the same room etc.). None of us really had a serious long-lasting relationship prior to leaving home so it wasn't really an issue.

I teach 18 year olds and they are still very young. Many of them are only "adults" in the technical sense of the word and still need guidance and support. Imo, 16 year olds are still very much children. So while I'll give the protection/contraception "spiel" and let my children know they can come to me if they're in trouble and I won't react with judgement and anger, I'll also be making it clear that I would prefer them to avoid sexual relationships until they're mature enough to deal with the potential physical and emotional consequences. And that's not when they're still at school. Part of this is because adolescent relationships are often unbalanced and misogynistic and teenagers don't yet have the maturity to appropriately navigate them.

Agree with @LauraBassi. I'd rather keep home as a safe "child" space for my children where they don't have to deal with these issues and can freely be themselves.

I'm lucky in that DD had her first serious boyfriend at 17.5 and was very open with me about having sex for the first time etc. So when she asked if he could stay over they'd been together a good few months and I knew she was v comfortable in the relationship.

For me it was a no brainer. Having sex is just one part of being intimate with someone : sharing a bed, sleeping together all night, the cuddles and closeness is another part of being intimate that brings you closer to someone, and I was happy for her to have that.

That relationship has now finished and she is fully aware she can't bring people home when she wants even though she's 18.

I took the liberal approach.

With my older daughter it wasn't an issue until she was 18 and brought a boyfriend home from university. Given that I knew they often spent the night in each other's rooms and were adults, I just asked my daughter which she would prefer and went along with that. She told me afterwards that she was surprised that I had agreed!

The younger daughter was still at school the first time she asked if her boyfriend could stay. She was in the upper 6th, nearly 18, they had been going out with her boyfriend for a while and we had met him often. I took the approach that they might as well be comfortable, especially as I knew it was my daughter's first time.

Yup, @flaviaritt, I would find that a bit icky too....regarding your condom comment....what a very strange thought, yeuchhhh!!! Not quite my approach, which is to respect my young adults and their privacy. Odd comment!!!

RBKB

🤷🏻‍♀️ Some parents seem very (how do I say it?) involved to me.

Not sure what you are implying but it all seems a bit weird and dark to me. I just respect young adults...that really isn't over involvement, that's treating them age appropriately. My kids wanted relationships after their 18th birthdays. Their boyfriends are lovely, and are welcome to stay over. Stop being so, erm, creepy 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Few years off yet but not sure how this will work in my house...dd bedroom right next to mine, small with single cabin bed as only way for her to have any space, twin boys have bunk bed.. no room for separate beds, no spare room... doesn't sound conducive to romantic liason 😂

Stop being so, erm, creepy 🤣🤣🤣🤣

You do understand that I find some of the above equally creepy? So, erm... What can I say?

We'll have to agree that the other's creepy and icky...what might unite us is our kids wanting to be treated like normal adults in their own houses I guess.....

what might unite us is our kids wanting to be treated like normal adults in their own houses I guess.....

Kids aren’t adults, though.

Mine were. Read my post. I allowed boyfriends from 18, when they asked. I do not condone encouraging children to have sex. But they are allowed at 16 my dear, however much you clutch your pearls.

@PamDemic

yeah I did. My dd was 17 in sixth form. We spoke about it and I said to wait a bit, and then i was kind of forced into it by her bfs parents letting them do it at their house (without speaking to me which I was quite pissed off about).

In any case they went out for the whole of sixth form, their gap years and are still together now at uni. I think it's fine for established relationships.

I wasn't allowed in the same room as my university bf who I went onto marry, until we were mid/late 20s I don't think!

i was kind of forced into it by her bfs parents letting them do it at their house (without speaking to me which I was quite pissed off about)

This has angered me immensely while raising girls. The parents of boys generally don't give a shit about their randy sons having sex tither and yon if they don't get girls pregnant. And that's a very big if, in my opinion.

I allowed my Ds girlfriend to stay over once they were serious (she now lives with us), he was 18 and she was 17 and I met up with her mum and discussed it first. I wouldn't have allowed it if they had been younger or casual.

We let DSS have her BF to stay when she was a couple of months off 18. They’d been together for 6 months.

I also wouldn't have allowed it if her parents weren't ok with it

But they are allowed at 16 my dear, however much you clutch your pearls.

I am not your dear. And I was not talking about you specifically. I am now.

I have a 19 year old DS and fortunately he has never asked if his GF can stay the night . , He has once stayed at his GF's family home but it was made absolutely clear that he would be staying in the spare room and knowing her father I doubt there was any "sneaking around".

I think some parents make it far too cosy for teenagers & young adults, no wonder some of them never move out - and it's not just to do with expensive rents.

I never bought boyfriends home and still managed to have a healthy sex life, I just wouldn't have asked my parents and it hasn't affected my relationship with them.

I was always 'not under my roof', as my parents had been.
But DD started going out with a boy just turned 17, I did speak to her about unprotected sex etc. She assured me it wasn't happening, after about 6 months she asked me about going on the pill, inside I was screaming NO, NO, NO! We discussed it and asked if I would help her. I spoke to the fpc, who called her to make the appointment. I took DD and her boyfriend for their appointment as it was about 20 miles away and no public transport. I went to the pub.

We haven't really spoken about it since, he stays here sometimes, I have discovered they sometimes share a bed, sometimes one of them is in the spare room. But I do not want to know details.

The reality of the situation is very different to the hypothetical one we envisage when they are little.

swan I think you make a very good point and as the parent of a young man I would hate to think he was pressuring anyone into having sex.

You’re not going to stop them shagging, so you might as well make sure they are using proper contraception and doing it somewhere comfortable & safe.

Having them under your roof sanctions the relationship in a way. Spending the night provides a higher level of emotional intimacy, beyond just having sex. No relationship between 15 year olds should be treated that seriously. I’d rather my teen have stolen moments where she can express her lust than feel pressure to treat a teenage romance as more than it is.