My reformed alcoholic partner doesn't want me to drink

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/11/2020 19:37

Neither of you is wrong, but I think you are being rather ignorant about their addiction. They will always be an alcoholic so having alcohol in the house is a very bad idea. Decide whether you can live like that or move on

Original poster

Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 19:37

@Ultrarunner

She's 30 years sober and I totally respect this. We met online 2 years ago I moved 300 miles to her from rural Yorkshire to SE England 15 months ago (I'm a teacher, can work anywhere, spent today on an online conference where I was nominated for a national award - not boasting, just clarifying) I bought a bottle of wine to celebrate with the intention of having a glass - she has shunned the dinner I prepared and gone to bed which I get BUT - I feel like I'm compromising me. I'm not going to neck vats of wine but I want to unwind without feeling like - well, like shit I get that she is struggling but AIBU to feel controlled?

Sorry to repost, this isn't a 'look at me' bump. I'm not even a mum but you guys seem like you might have the experience to advise

OP posts:

MyGazeboisLeaking · 19/11/2020 19:38

That's a really tough one, OP.

Has your partner asked you not to drink alcohol around her? I don't have experience of alcoholism, but I imagine an enormous part of staying sober is avoiding close situations where others are drinking.

AuntyPasta · 19/11/2020 19:38

Do you live together? What’s happened in the past about alcohol - this can’t be the first time it’s come up.

RB68 · 19/11/2020 19:41

Personally I would never do this to a partner - its not about being controlling its about supporting them in their illness/addiction. HOWEVER if you hadn't talked about it before and she hadn't been clear about how sh wants it to work then I don't think you were unreasonable but it sounds like she is not in a good place for now and you need to help her out.

Blueberries0112 · 19/11/2020 19:41

Her drinking problem is still fresh in her mind and she she probably not ready to be around drinks yet. Maybe in a few years she will be able to handle it. Right now, she still need support, I guess. Up to you if you are willing to hold off drinking or not.

Coriandersucks · 19/11/2020 19:44

Yes I think we need to know what previous discussions you’ve had about alcohol. Did she make it clear from the beginning of the relationship what her expectations were and what you drinking might mean to her as an alcoholic? If not then I think she should have, otherwise why wouldn’t you think you could enjoy a drink if you’ve not been exposed to alcoholism before?

The fact she’s gone to bed (I assume in a huff) implies you might have gone against a previous agreement but because you won an award (congrats btw) you think it’s ok to have a drink on this occasion.

MrsGrindah · 19/11/2020 19:44

Her drinking problem is still fresh in her mind and she she probably not ready to be around drinks yet

She’s 30 years sober! Part of being sober is dealing with others drinking

Blueberries0112 · 19/11/2020 19:45

30 years doesn't always mean she never had a slip up

Jroseforever · 19/11/2020 19:45

You’ve been together 2 years and this is the first time alcohol has cropped up?

Coriandersucks · 19/11/2020 19:45

@Blueberries0112

Her drinking problem is still fresh in her mind and she she probably not ready to be around drinks yet. Maybe in a few years she will be able to handle it. Right now, she still need support, I guess. Up to you if you are willing to hold off drinking or not.

But she’s 30 years sober - not 30 days...

fuzzymoon · 19/11/2020 19:46

I believe the urge to drink never leaves you when you're an alcoholic.
Having alcohol in the house or being with people whilst they have a drink (even one glass) will I imagine cause her to feel very strong temptation that someone who is not an addict can't imagine.

As her partner you need to understand this and know that alcohol will not be part of you life when you are together. By all means go out with a friend to share a drink with but keep it very separate from your partner.

PiggyPokkyFool · 19/11/2020 19:46

@Blueberries0112

Her drinking problem is still fresh in her mind and she she probably not ready to be around drinks yet. Maybe in a few years she will be able to handle it. Right now, she still need support, I guess. Up to you if you are willing to hold off drinking or not.

Is this a joke @Blueberries0112? She is 30 years sober - why would another few years make any difference. @Ultrarunner - unless this was something that she requested from the start of your relationship YANBU.

7Days · 19/11/2020 19:47

Maybe so, but at home, with a partner?
No body is wrong here, it's about what each partner can live with. Sometimes people are not compatible and its heartbreaking.

Have you discussed this before?

Northernsoullover · 19/11/2020 19:47

I don't drink any more as I was getting quite dependent on it. I would never stop people drinking around me! That's life. I wouldn't be happy about being around someone rip roaring drunk but that's because it tends to turn people into asshats. It doesn't make me want to join them. Far from it.

Blueberries0112 · 19/11/2020 19:49

For the last time, 30 years does not mean she never had a slip up. She obviously struggling enough to tell someone not to drink around her

GeorginaTheGiant · 19/11/2020 19:50

It’s hard but I think that part and parcel of living with a partner who is a reformed alcoholic is that you’re committing not to drink at home. You can’t sit drinking wine in front of a alcoholic even if they’re a long time sober. And you certainly can’t drink wine and then kiss her. It sucks but if you love her and want to live with her that’s part of the deal. I’m sort of astounded that this wasn’t discussed and clear long before you got to this point in the relationship.

Cheesypea · 19/11/2020 19:50

No I dont think shes being controlling, shes still an alcoholic you can either live with her on her terms or not.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 19/11/2020 19:51

@Blueberries0112

For the last time, 30 years does not mean she never had a slip up. She obviously struggling enough to tell someone not to drink around her

If OP's partner HAD drunk alcohol more recently, then I think the clock resets and she would be, eg, 1 year sober.

Not that op has said she has fallen off the wagon before.

FredtheFerret · 19/11/2020 19:51

I think everyone is an individual and the way they handle things is different.

I'd advise you to ask her if she's refused dinner and gone to bed because you bought a bottle of wine - because it wasn't clear if she'd specified that. Ask her if she feels absolutely unable to have alcohol in the house at all. Maybe she does. Maybe the craving is still there for her. Who knows? Communication is the key.

I smoked for 30 odd years and I will never, ever have another one. I still quite fancy one occasionally even after 10 years or so of quitting.
However, it wouldn't bother me if there was a packet kicking about the place. I'm not that tempted. However, if I knew my partner absolutely couldn't tolerate alcohol in the house then I wouldn't feel controlled. I'd just accept that this was the way they felt and not buy it.

LemonPeonies · 19/11/2020 19:51

A lot of misinformation on this thread. I've been sober 10 years. My current DP who I have been with for nearly 3 years has wine, whiskey etc in the house all the time. He drinks one or 2 occasionally. I never even think about drinking it. Why? Because I am in recovery. I understand my addiction and contrary to a few comments here, the "mental obsession " as we call it in AA goes away quite quickly after stopping drinking. If she's still not well enough to be around any alcohol it means she needs more support as she doesn't trust herself. Otherwise how else would people stay sober the rest of their lives/ have kids safely etc. It's not always in the back of your mind at all.

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/11/2020 19:52

I think people who don't drink can't expect everything/everyone to change their behaviour to make sobriety easier for them. They have to see alcohol on TV, in shops, in recipes, in restaurants etc.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 19/11/2020 19:53

@LemonPeonies

A lot of misinformation on this thread. I've been sober 10 years. My current DP who I have been with for nearly 3 years has wine, whiskey etc in the house all the time. He drinks one or 2 occasionally. I never even think about drinking it. Why? Because I am in recovery. I understand my addiction and contrary to a few comments here, the "mental obsession " as we call it in AA goes away quite quickly after stopping drinking. If she's still not well enough to be around any alcohol it means she needs more support as she doesn't trust herself. Otherwise how else would people stay sober the rest of their lives/ have kids safely etc. It's not always in the back of your mind at all.

Congrats on 10 years, @LemonPeonies - that's impressive 👍

rosie1959 · 19/11/2020 19:55

I am 14 years sober which means I have not touched alcohol for 14 years
Other people drinking is of no concern to me
But if I am in the company of a drinking alcoholic this can make me uneasy

firesong · 19/11/2020 19:55

I don't think she is being unreasonable. But has this not come up before? I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't like me having some wine (for any reason) but it really depends on what kind of conversations you have had about this.