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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My reformed alcoholic partner doesn't want me to drink

159 replies

Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 19:35

She's 30 years sober and I totally respect this.
We met online 2 years ago
I moved 300 miles to her from rural Yorkshire to SE England 15 months ago (I'm a teacher, can work anywhere, spent today on an online conference where I was nominated for a national award - not boasting, just clarifying)
I bought a bottle of wine to celebrate with the intention of having a glass - she has shunned the dinner I prepared and gone to bed which I get BUT - I feel like I'm compromising me. I'm not going to neck vats of wine but I want to unwind without feeling like - well, like shit
I get that she is struggling but AIBU to feel controlled?

OP posts:
MrsLighthouse · 19/11/2020 20:01

It’s not control. She is dealing with a life threatening illness and her sobriety might depend on whether she’s around drink or not. Yes you should have both discussed this before , but now you might have to make a choice between her and a glass or two of wine . It’s hard to find someone to love so you may want to think about what you’re exchanging her for . Hope you work through it . Best of luck.

bumblejee · 19/11/2020 20:11

I've been with my recovering alcoholic for nearly 4 years & he's nearly 5 years sober, has no issues with me having a drink in the house, is of the opinion that just because he can't drink it is unfair to expect me not to.

Original poster
Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 20:12

Ok
When I met her she told me she had no problem with me having a drink
It's gone from me travelling down for the weekend and having a glass of wine to now moving in and not being able to have anything. It's not about the alcohol and all about the control

OP posts:
Autumncolourlover · 19/11/2020 20:20

It doesn't sound like you are compatible. She might have thought she'd be ok with it and has now realised she isn't. My dad was an alcoholic and although he's been dead several years now alcohol still makes me anxious. I do drink occasionally but other people drinking makes me anxious. I'm single though so it's not an issue but those who have or have been around alcoholism are going to struggle to some degree with people drinking. Maybe she sees something of herself in you or you in herself and it worries her? Only she knows but she might not be able to articulate it maybe she only said she was fine with it because she was afraid of your reaction. Rightly so as you have labelled her as controlling.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 19/11/2020 20:24

Is there any other sign of controlling behaviour, OP, or is it just this one thing?

Original poster
Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 20:24

20:20Autumncolourlover thank you

OP posts:
ChronicallyCurious · 19/11/2020 20:24

Does she not want you to drink at all or just not in the house? My uncle is a recovering alcoholic, going on almost 10 years and he can go to family events and functions and be around alcohol and people drinking but he will not have alcohol in his house. If we go there for a meal we cannot bring any drinks and his wife doesn’t drink in the house but drinks socially elsewhere. I think it’s entirely understandable.

LemonPeonies · 19/11/2020 20:25

@MyGazeboisLeaking thank you! I'm only early 30's so I'm glad I get to enjoy the rest of my life sober Smile I have a beautiful boy to live for now too.

Goldensnitchy · 19/11/2020 20:27

Depends, is she controlling in other ways?

Original poster
Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 20:29

Is there any other sign of controlling behaviour, OP, or is it just this one thing?
Bookmark
Now I come to think of it, i set up a £500 monthly transfer, pay for all grocery shopping and the car, she's self-employed and I'm a well-imbursed keyworker.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 20:31

his wife doesn’t drink in the house but drinks socially elsewhere. I think it’s entirely understandable.
I would LOVE this and was making massive efforts when I moved here and then Lockdown hit

OP posts:
MyGazeboisLeaking · 19/11/2020 20:33

[quote LemonPeonies]@MyGazeboisLeaking thank you! I'm only early 30's so I'm glad I get to enjoy the rest of my life sober Smile I have a beautiful boy to live for now too.[/quote]
That sounds wonderful - what a brilliant achievement and also an amazing role mod for your son xxxxx

Flutter12 · 19/11/2020 20:34

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to want to drink in your own home, you’re an adult and can do what you want and I don’t think you need to stop drinking because someone else does BUT she needs to decide if she can be with someone who drinks so I would be having a frank conversation with her so you know where you stand now.

Bigdogsmalldog · 19/11/2020 20:35

@Ultrarunner

his wife doesn’t drink in the house but drinks socially elsewhere. I think it’s entirely understandable. I would LOVE this and was making massive efforts when I moved here and then Lockdown hit
Except you are drinking in the house which is exactly the opposite of what this poster was talking about.

As the child of an alcoholic, I think YABU, my mum can't have any alcohol anywhere near her as her willpower just isn't strong enough and she'll drink every drop, despite not going near it when it's not around.

lunalulu · 19/11/2020 20:36

@Ultrarunner

Ok When I met her she told me she had no problem with me having a drink It's gone from me travelling down for the weekend and having a glass of wine to now moving in and not being able to have anything. It's not about the alcohol and all about the control
With this clarification, I agree.

If she can't deal with you drinking, she needs some more support herself.

If she was ok with you having the odd glass before, it's not nice her now literally refusing to eat your celebratory dinner because of a glass of wine. Because now you're a bit trapped, having moved your whole Life for her. And if she'd had been like this before, you probably wouldn't have moved in?

WattleOn · 19/11/2020 20:42

Just read these posts to my DH an alcoholic who has been sober for 5 years).

His first comment was that it’s not about the alcohol, there is something else going on.

DH is happy with me drinking (I do periodically check with him as I rarely drink and it wouldn’t be a hardship to give up). He has driven me to a wine merchant when I was on a quest for a particular bottle. He has also bought wine for me to have in the house.

Some alcoholics are more sensitive to being around alcohol. But your post makes it sound like this a new thing. Is that the case? If so, perhaps she is finding her recovery challenging at the moment.

Congrats to LemonPeonies and Rosie.

FOJN · 19/11/2020 20:45

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Has something changed recently which maybe making her feel more vulnerable? I would hope after 30 years sobriety she would be able to be honest about this rather than just take herself off to bed without further discussion.

I've been sober about half as long as your partner and it's very rare that I even think about alcohol at all and even less rare for thoughts of drinking to crop up. If I wasn't free from the mental obsession I'd not be free at all.

I lived with a heavy drinker in relatively early recovery without it causing problems for me. I was less confident about my sobriety then so did put a few safe guards in place such as keeping opened booze stored in the fridge in the garage but as a PP mentioned other people's drinking is none of my concern and I like it that way. I'm just delighted I no longer drink other adults are free to do as they please.

ReneeRol · 19/11/2020 20:46

It's one thing to drink in a social setting but you brought alcohol into her home and put it in front of her. That's an incredible amount of temptation for an addict. It doesn't matter that she's been sober for thirty years, her addiction is still there.

She's been sober because she's stayed away from temptation, now she realises that she's with someone who will insist on putting it in front of her and having it in her home.

She went to bed to avoid the alcohol. Have enough respect for her to not do that to her. Drink in social settings, at restaurants, in pubs etc but don't bring it into her home and have alcohol there as the norm.

Or do her a favour and leave because she'll end up drinking by next year if she stays with someone who carries on like that.

Blueberries0112 · 19/11/2020 20:48

Maybe she felt a bit left out that she can't join you with a glass of wine. I don't think she is going to break up with you over it nor tell you not to drink. My daughter often feel left out when a party serve peanut cupcakes and she can't join them (highly allergic) I know it is different from this and it is not their problem but she did want to feel included and eat with them.

Maybe it is controlling. I don't know. Or maybe it isn't. I know that she is going to handle her own problem the best she know how.

Original poster
Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 20:54

For everyone, I thank you for your input. For those that have said my darling girl is right- the fact that I resent you and want to call you out for 'not getting it' makes it clear. I may not have an alcohol problem myself but that giving in to my partner's request makes me feel compromised x lots means it's
Shit
I've got to go, haven't I?

OP posts:
Cagedbirdsinging · 19/11/2020 20:54

"I would LOVE this and was making massive efforts [... ] and then lockdown hit " .
OP , has your drinking increased over lockdown and were the 'massive efforts' to do with cutting back ? Maybe she was comfortable with your occasional glass or two but is finding that having alcohol around frequently is risking too much temptation .

FOJN · 19/11/2020 20:54

LemonPeonies
Lovely to hear your story, thank you.

KrisKringlesLeftNostril · 19/11/2020 20:59

This is a really tough one. Of course you are not being unreasonable to want to drink.
However as the daughter of a recovering alcoholic, I know it's really, really hard to be around alcohol sometimes, and also sometimes it's hard to be around people who are drinking. I'm not saying you were planning on getting drunk, mind you.

The only way to find out is to talk to your partner and find out what bothered her. The alcohol in the house? You drinking in general? Then you an decide if it's reasonable or not.

NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 21:01

It's not controlling in the way the term is usually used as she has a good reason.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. If there's no compromise possible then I don't see how you can live together.

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2020 21:05

If she is 30 years sober then part of that is accepting that others can, and will, drink in moderation.
I'd be concerned from her reaction that she perhaps isn't 30 years sober.