My reformed alcoholic partner doesn't want me to drink

[Ultrarunner]

She's 30 years sober and I totally respect this.
We met online 2 years ago
I moved 300 miles to her from rural Yorkshire to SE England 15 months ago (I'm a teacher, can work anywhere, spent today on an online conference where I was nominated for a national award - not boasting, just clarifying)
I bought a bottle of wine to celebrate with the intention of having a glass - she has shunned the dinner I prepared and gone to bed which I get BUT - I feel like I'm compromising me. I'm not going to neck vats of wine but I want to unwind without feeling like - well, like shit
I get that she is struggling but AIBU to feel controlled?

Oh sorry that was to Katy.

I suppose another comparison would be if someone was clinically obese and making great strides into losing weight and he wanted to sit there and eat cake/ biscuits/ order in pizza etc.

Alcoholism ruins people. It's a slow, awful condition that kills.

I'm surprised at so many people saying she's being a dick and should let him get on with it

It is interesting for me to see the contrasting opinions.

It seems that the recovering alcoholics and those that live with them are more understanding of the OP’s position.

And those who haven’t claimed in their posts to be or know alcoholics, are more understanding of the OP’s partner’s position.

Well I don't fit that, personally.

The idea that an addict should have to 'compromise' on having the thing they are addicted to being done in their home is really odd.

The OP needs to decide if they can go no booze at home or not, is up to them.

To say an addict should let whatever into their house if it bothers them (ie makes them concerned about relapse) as a 'compromise' should not be on the table.

If she was an ex junkie and he wanted to shoot up in front of her of a night would the responses be the same. I'm guessing not- people would understand more easily that it would be something she might well find risky to her staying clean.

I am a child of alcoholic but my mom absolutely refused to let our dad drink in front of us. He drank and slept in his truck. He never sought help though. I quit smoking years years ago, but there are time i still want one

Are you maybe drinking a bit too much, op?
No disrespect, but heavy drinkers usually underestimate how much they're having.

Perhaps that could shed some light on this change in her attitude.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable. The two of you are basically incompatible.

She isn't unreasonable not to want alcohol in her own home if that is what she needs or wants. You aren't unreasonable to want to be able to drink in your own home (since you're living together it's your home too). It's like someone wanting to keep a strict Kosher home and their partner insisting on using the same pans/dishes to cook bacon and wanting butter and milk on the table. It just doesn't work and there is no way to compromise, not in either situation.

But if you're getting drunk multiple times a week then maybe the real reason she doesn't want alcohol in the house isn't her, maybe it's you.

I think the two of you need to have a serious discussion (with you sober) and both of you need to be prepared to end the relationship.

did you think you were going to share a bottle of wine and it would be ok?

you have no idea obviously

Meant to add, my brother is a recovering alcoholic (6 years) who never has alcohol in his home. Ever. I would never dream of bringing it into his home, it would be disrespectful.

In my home it's a different story, we normally drink around my brother. But I love my brother and his sobriety means enough to me that if we're having a family occasion I will check with him and if he is feeling 'vulnerable' we will not serve alcohol. It's only happened a couple of times and it was no big deal to any of us to forego a couple of glasses of wine to help him get through that 'rough patch'.

@Cheesypea

No I dont think shes being controlling, shes still an alcoholic you can either live with her on her terms or not.

Can you not see the d contradiction in this comment ? Personally I wouldn’t have moved from rural Yorkshire.

Also , by asking her every time if she is agreeable to your bringing alcohol into the house and drinking it (alone )you are asking her to be the gatekeeper of your drinking . She may have initially agreed in order not to seem controlling ; no one wants to have a repeated argument so early in a new relationship ...and then lockdown . She already has to monitor and suppress her own desire to drink but now watch yours as well . That's a big ask .
It will bring the subject of booze to the fore far too often for her .
I think your drinking problem is becoming a problem for her now and I bet she dislikes seeing you drunk .

Are you getting drunk OP? Hard to believe that in the time you have been living there,this is the first bottle of wine and the first argument.
My guess is that you are drinking more and more in her presence and your behaviour changes significantly when you do. That's the problem.

How drunk were you when you were taking to her and she left for her bedroom?

How much of that bottle of wine had you drunk? (And are you male or female, what's your alcohol tolerance? )

How much else had you drunk?

I'm guessing from her view point. She came in/ down/ round the corner to find her partner drunk. Possibly again. (Have you been drunk more at home this lockdoen? )Well into his/ her celebration of this award business.

What are you like when drunk? A little louder, a little more boorish, a little less fun to be around?

Then fill of justifications as to why tonight is special, why you deserve to drink.

How was her day op? Good day? Hard day? Something to celebrate for her? Or is it all about you tonight?

I suspect it isn't the alcohol she doesn't like being around. It is the drunk

OP, what does your DP think happened? I suspect it's a bit different to what you think happened.

I get the impression you may be putting words in her mouth and making the disagreement about her being an alcoholic (and controlling), rather than whatever her objection was.

Does your DP think that you have become dependent on alcohol?

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

COME ON PEOPLE, join the dots!

Give me a clue, PaperTowels - I'm obviously really dense.

A few people who have posted since I logged off last night have said it now.

I believe that the OP has been drinking far more than they are letting on.

I’m really relieved to see the posts from people with alcohol issues saying their partners still drink! I was beginning to think I was being unreasonable! But there is drinking and drinking. I have a glass of wine watching Netflix twice a week. I don’t get drunk , or say ‘I’m dying for a drink’ the minute I finish work or whatever and I’m not raving on about the amazing wine I bought. I just have a quiet drink while he has tea and chocolate. It really depends on the circumstances I think

To be fair, in this situation I'd probably polish the bottle off too, and I rarely drink.

I wonder if this is really about the wine, or the celebration of something the OP has achieved? Either way, I don't think this relationship is a good one.

I met my bf when he was 6 months sober. One of the first questions I asked him was whether he minded others drinking in his company. I asked this because although i am not a heavy drinker, I enjoy a glass or two of wine every so often, as do my family and friends.

If he's told me he couldn't be around alcohol or drinkers then I wouldn't have taken it further as I would be making too much of a compromise to my own lifestyle.

I don't drink excessively around him but I also don't avoid it intentionally. He feels that alcohol is always going to be around him and try and tempt him but he has to be able to be in control of himself saying no, not others doing so for him. He is now almost 2 years sober and I am very proud of him.

If he told me I can no longer drink around him then I would be re-evaluating the relationship because as much as I love him, that is not the relationship I signed up to.

In my mind, there's a lot more to the story, but regardless of that, it's all very well saying "I've been sober for X years, and I do/don't have an issue with my partner drinking".
The point is, it's entirely individual, and you need to talk to her to see what she thinks. What we think is totally superfluous.

I don't think either of you are wrong as such. I don't think I could be in that relationship, though. Bitterness and resentment would build up if I felt I was being controlled. It must be incredibly hard for your partner, I can 100% see why they need their home to be alcohol free. Hard on you also, I can 100% see why you don't want their addiction to dictate your life.

So useless answer on my part really, totally fence sitting.

I think a no alcohol in the house rule is reasonable, if that's what your partner feels they need. It doesn't matter what other people manage, she's perfectly reasonable to set her own boundaries.

Is her refusing to eat the dinner reasonable? It depends on if you'd discussed this before.

I agree with pp who say I'd never do it. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, so I assume that part of staying sober (and sane!) is not have alcohol in the house...

Aye yabu.in asking if its controlling.It isnt. she letchu move 300miles when you coulda went anywhere,didni get to congratualte you on achievement cos you pulled a solitary pursuit-givin shes 30yrs off it.hows she suppose to feel part of a couple if you do that?

@LemonPeonies

A lot of misinformation on this thread. I've been sober 10 years. My current DP who I have been with for nearly 3 years has wine, whiskey etc in the house all the time. He drinks one or 2 occasionally. I never even think about drinking it. Why? Because I am in recovery. I understand my addiction and contrary to a few comments here, the "mental obsession " as we call it in AA goes away quite quickly after stopping drinking. If she's still not well enough to be around any alcohol it means she needs more support as she doesn't trust herself. Otherwise how else would people stay sober the rest of their lives/ have kids safely etc. It's not always in the back of your mind at all.

100% agree. There is a lot of misinformation. I had a very I healthy relationship with alcohol and am now sober. My family and friends drink around me and it doesn't enter my head to have one. I'm not a drinker. Alcoholism isn't wanting a drink and watering at the mouth at the sign of a glass of wine. It's a mental disorder whereby you become mentally and or physically addicted to alcohol in a vicious self sabotaging cycle. Alcohol makes you feel better - you drink more - you become depressed because of the physical and mental micro withdrawals - you know what will lift your mood - alcohol - so you drink more - you become depressed because of micro withdrawal but can't comprehend the link that the alcohol is making you feel depressed and anxious. You start needing more and more just to feel good. Then you need more and more just to feel normal. Bingo! You're on the addiction train. It's not fun. It's not enjoyable and it certainly isn't 'mmmm look at that beer'. Once you get off the train and allow yourself to 'detox' for a few months your brain chemistry returns to normal and that cycle is no longer in force. Then your only enemy is not giving on to romantic ideals of the idea of 'a drink' the disillusions. Every one has triggers that may be more likely to produce a craving. Having drink in the house may be hers. Perhaps shes comfortable with going out for a meal and you having a few drinks? (not her having the drinks obviously!)

@readingismycardio

I agree with pp who say I'd never do it. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, so I assume that part of staying sober (and sane!) is not have alcohol in the house...

Not necessarily. I stopped drinking eight months ago but didn't ask my partner to stop, and we have booze in the house.

However, I strongly doubt that that's the issue here.

It sounds as if you moved in with someone you really didn't know.

She is either struggling OR mislead you.

You need to have a very frank conversation.