Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My reformed alcoholic partner doesn't want me to drink

159 replies

Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 19:35

She's 30 years sober and I totally respect this.
We met online 2 years ago
I moved 300 miles to her from rural Yorkshire to SE England 15 months ago (I'm a teacher, can work anywhere, spent today on an online conference where I was nominated for a national award - not boasting, just clarifying)
I bought a bottle of wine to celebrate with the intention of having a glass - she has shunned the dinner I prepared and gone to bed which I get BUT - I feel like I'm compromising me. I'm not going to neck vats of wine but I want to unwind without feeling like - well, like shit
I get that she is struggling but AIBU to feel controlled?

OP posts:
Changethetoner · 19/11/2020 22:33

I think if you want to be with her, you need to respect the no-drinking and join in with it. ie go sober too. If you can't do it, you need to leave the relationship.

AgeLikeWine · 19/11/2020 22:35

I’m an ex- smoker, and I couldn’t care less if anyone smokes around me. My former addiction to nicotine is not their problem and I don’t try to inflict it on them. I’m not tempted by the filthy, disgusting toxic things and I absolutely don’t want one.

Why should someone who stopped drinking decades ago be any different?

SandyY2K · 19/11/2020 22:35

In her online profile she should have said she wants a partner who does not drink any alcohol at all.

Having to ask permission to drink isn't something I'd be prepared to do as grown adult

It could also be that the stress of lockdown has got to her, making it difficult to cope.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 19/11/2020 22:36

I'm 31 years sober (I did an AMA about it when I hit 30 years) and although I wouldn't go into pubs or have booze in the house for the first couple of years I am perfectly comfortable around alcohol now and have been for most of my sobriety.

The one thing that can still make me uncomfortable is the company of drunks or people with an unhealthy attitude to alcohol. I'm fine with most drinkers but on rare occasions I feel a visceral unease.

Is there any chance that your relationship with alcohol has changed? Because otherwise her reaction seems very odd. Someone with 30 years sobriety shouldn't be thrown by a little social drinking.

You have to talk. Communication is the only answer.

Blueberries0112 · 19/11/2020 22:37

I still think she is really mad that OP planned to celebrate and ended up making her feel left out. I know this seem silly but When two people celebrate together with food and drink, don't they often complimented how they enjoy their meal they had together ? She can't enjoy a nice glass wine with the person she is with.

Maybe she doesn't care if you drink but more like how you made her feel during important events like this.

Blueberries0112 · 19/11/2020 22:40

I mean, you already left out that she decided not to join you by watching you drink a wine, she felt left out because you decided wine in front of her is a must.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 22:41

OP is probably sleeping it off. Maybe they'll be back tomorrow.

Blueberries0112 · 19/11/2020 22:42

mean, you already felt left out that she decided not to join you by watching you drink a glass of wine, she felt left out because you decided drinking a glass wine in front of her is a must.

Pl242 · 19/11/2020 22:42

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer re alcohol in the house. I gave up alcohol 3 years ago and don’t have an issue with alcohol being in the house (DH who doesn’t drink much and stuff in for guests).

But that doesn’t mean others wouldn’t require a dry house so to speak. However it seems like the two of you have a communication problem. She set certain parameters and now you say she’s changing those without really explaining why. Also you imply that she’s struggling. Not sure if that is in a general sense or re alcohol.

There’s also the fact that your relationship is still relatively young and you relocated and moved in with her fairly quickly. Put into the mix of a pandemic which has kept us all very house bound, then that’s going to add pressure both to a relationship and potentially her issues around her addiction.

You need to have a proper talk and hear such other out, understand where each other is coming from and see if you can find a way forward that you’re both happy with.

MrGorksy · 19/11/2020 22:43

@Ultrarunner what are you like when you have a drink?
Can you have a few drinks and still be yourself? Do you slur or become rude when you've been drinking?

I've got a couple of people in my life that aren't the same person when they've had a drink and it's really difficult. I can imagine that if I was in recovery then I might not went to be around difficult behaviour.

TellingBone · 19/11/2020 22:48

Person who said basic incompatibility nailed it.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 19/11/2020 22:50

I've got a couple of people in my life that aren't the same person when they've had a drink and it's really difficult.

Me too! Most people are fine but there's the odd one who kinda tilts. I feel a visceral unease.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 19/11/2020 22:53

COME ON PEOPLE, join the dots!

Give me a clue, PaperTowels - I'm obviously really dense.

TheSandman · 19/11/2020 22:59

@LemonPeonies

A lot of misinformation on this thread. I've been sober 10 years. My current DP who I have been with for nearly 3 years has wine, whiskey etc in the house all the time. He drinks one or 2 occasionally. I never even think about drinking it. Why? Because I am in recovery. I understand my addiction and contrary to a few comments here, the "mental obsession " as we call it in AA goes away quite quickly after stopping drinking. If she's still not well enough to be around any alcohol it means she needs more support as she doesn't trust herself. Otherwise how else would people stay sober the rest of their lives/ have kids safely etc. It's not always in the back of your mind at all.
This. Is. Spot. On.

I'm 18 years sober. My wife (together 25 years) still drinks. Nowhere near as much as she did when I did, but likes the odd gin. It's not a problem. I work in a hotel that has a micro-distillery. I'm around alcohol a lot. I just don't drink it. I know that it would be stupid of me to 'just see if I can handle it' and I have no desire to. I'm an alcoholic. I know that. I'm over it.

@Disfordarkchocolate - I don't expect expect everything/everyone to change their behaviour to make sobriety easier for them - I don't think many people trying to get off the sauce do - but being sober makes you conscious of just how much the consumption of alcohol is woven into the fabric of British society. Looked at it objectively we're living in a drug culture.

1Morewineplease · 19/11/2020 23:02

She has a drink problem that she feels that she's dealt with as she's been sober for so very long.
The trouble is, it's clearly still a problem to her.
You should be able to enjoy a glass of wine but she , still, clearly doesn't trust herself.
You need to decide whether this is a controlling issue or a supporting an alcoholic issue.
You need to think about the long term.

moirarosebabay · 19/11/2020 23:08

I'm an alcoholic in recovery for almost 5 years and normally I am fine around alcohol-as a previous poster said the desire has been removed. However lockdown has turned everything on its head. The meetings are on zoom and a lot of my fellow alcoholics are not attending them so I no longer have a home group or a sponsor and as a result am a bit disconnected from recovery. I've noticed that I am way less tolerant about drinking in my presence. Previously i could have eg a spa day with friends who drink a lot but now I can't and really viscerally don't want to do the boozy zoom quizzes or trips to the outside areas in pubs. I think lockdown has been very triggering as a lot of people are drinking more and I don't want to be around it. I don't want to drink but I am being more vigilant about being around it. I don't like seeing it being used as a coping mechanism. Maybe I am unreasonable and my best friend (Who drinks a lot and is on antidepressants) is peeved with me for not coming to the boozy zoom stuff but i want to stay safe. I don't want to get to a place of feeling uncomfortable without my support network available to chat to. A lot of people have relapsed so I do think this is a time for more vigilance. Just suggesting she may have this as a reason herself but I guess you need to talk to her.

KenDodd · 19/11/2020 23:12

If my partner wanted me to give up drinking, I would.

ZolaGrey · 19/11/2020 23:17

I feel like I'm compromising me.

Is alcohol a big enough part of your life that not drinking it compromises who you are?

I was married to an alcoholic who continued to drink. I drank nothing the entire time because it felt enabling if I had alcohol in the house/was drinking.

I think when you start viewing drinking as something you need to do to unwind, or something that is so intrinsically part of you that you can't acknowledge that having a bottle of wine wafting around under your sober partners nose is a bad idea, you're on tricky ground.

Lepetitpiggy · 19/11/2020 23:28

I'm 7 years sober and have never stopped my h from drinking in the house. Sometimes it annoys me but it really doesn't make me want to drink (holidays can be hard though). It's a tricky one - every one deals with it differently. You have to discuss it with her and reach some kind of compromise I guess

misskick · 19/11/2020 23:44

Do you think if your partner didn't mind you having a glass or two before, your partner could just be having a bad day and struggling! I think you need to chat to her and see where the sudden change has come from and maybe ask if she is ok. If you then realise you are not compatible then at least you went about it the right way.

SandyY2K · 19/11/2020 23:51

Perhaps she's struggling with lockdown and is scared she'll be tempted.

I wouldn't like the idea of having to ask permission to have a drink or anything else for that matter...I'm a grown adult and asking permission to do anything within a relationship just wouldn't work for me. I find it controlling...the day I left my parent's house, was the end of me seeking permission outside of a workplace setting.

shockshockshock · 20/11/2020 00:10

Addiction is addiction. Are you going to go up to someone who's stopped taking heroin and hand them the needle. Because theoretically, that is what you are doing with your partner. Leaving any form of their addiction in the house in unreasonable as they are trying, obviously, to not be a person who they were when they drank.

Thank you for coming to my tedtalk ✌️

WhatKatyDidNxt · 20/11/2020 00:15

It’s all about her isn’t it? Surely she’s stated her thoughts and preferences about this before? What compromises has she made?

Mebeline · 20/11/2020 00:18

I think its unreasonable to bring alcohol into the home of someone who is a recovering addict.
Sorry.

NiceGerbil · 20/11/2020 00:22

Alcoholism is a pretty uncompromising condition unfortunately.

A compromise that means she has to expose herself to something that she feels is risky is no compromise.

Relapse depending on factors can mean. Loss of health. Relationships. Self esteem and happiness. Job. Home. Death.

Asking an addict to compromise on something that they fear will set them off is not a good thing to do.

If she was a gambling addict, it would be doing gambling on the TV at night.
If she was a smoker it would mean smoking in the house.
If she was a coke addict it would mean doing lines in front of her.
Etc

She is within her rights to draw a line and it's up to op whether he wants to continue relationship on those terms.

Saying she should compromise is not a reasonable solution here.