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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My reformed alcoholic partner doesn't want me to drink

159 replies

Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 19:35

She's 30 years sober and I totally respect this.
We met online 2 years ago
I moved 300 miles to her from rural Yorkshire to SE England 15 months ago (I'm a teacher, can work anywhere, spent today on an online conference where I was nominated for a national award - not boasting, just clarifying)
I bought a bottle of wine to celebrate with the intention of having a glass - she has shunned the dinner I prepared and gone to bed which I get BUT - I feel like I'm compromising me. I'm not going to neck vats of wine but I want to unwind without feeling like - well, like shit
I get that she is struggling but AIBU to feel controlled?

OP posts:
Coriandersucks · 19/11/2020 21:08

It sounds like she is incredibly sensitive to the amount you are drinking. Started off as one glass of wine at the weekend when you met up, now you’re living together and you may be drinking slightly more (aren’t a lot of us) during lockdown perhaps. She could be worried it’s a slippery slope and catastrophising making you feel guilty about behaviour that would most likely be considered acceptable to non alcoholics.

You need to sit down and have a real talk about what both of you expect out of this. But be aware that what might come out of that is that unless you can agree on what’s considered acceptable and what isn’t - and it seems like this really needs to be pinned down - then you aren’t going to be compatible.

It also sounds like you’re a big resentful of having to move so far away from home and paying a decent amount of money each month to her which you don’t consider reasonable.

Time for some grown up conversations.

KrisKringlesLeftNostril · 19/11/2020 21:08

@LolaSmiles

If she is 30 years sober then part of that is accepting that others can, and will, drink in moderation. I'd be concerned from her reaction that she perhaps isn't 30 years sober.
I don't know. My parent found it OK to go to the pub/place with a bar. They said that if they were really finding it hard/tempting to drink, they could leave easily. But unexpectedly coming across alcohol in your home must be hard, no matter how long you have been sober for.
ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 19/11/2020 21:10

Try watching this.

It might give you an understanding of how powerful addiction is.

www.facebook.com/laura.clery/videos/1742365529272976/?d=null&vh=e

MrsGrindah · 19/11/2020 21:10

Also we shouldn’t assume all alcoholics deal with their sobriety in the same way. Some can cope with others drinking , some can’t . However after 30 years I would have thought they would have found a coping mechanism for people drinking around them. But it’s a constant battle.

Original poster
Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 21:11

But unexpectedly coming across alcohol in your home must be hard, no matter how long you have been sober for.
Never, never, never 'unexpected'. I ask permission to have a drink

OP posts:
KrisKringlesLeftNostril · 19/11/2020 21:14

@Ultrarunner

But unexpectedly coming across alcohol in your home must be hard, no matter how long you have been sober for. Never, never, never 'unexpected'. I ask permission to have a drink
Ah- I see. I think that is different, then. In that case, I think the onus is on her to speak up if she has an issue with you drinking in the house. (and apologises for assuming you just brought it without her knowing!)
LolaSmiles · 19/11/2020 21:15

KrisKringlesLeftNostril
I see what you mean. I guess I'd probably feel that way if we were talking in the first couple of years, but after 30 years sober that's probably half (or more than half) their life.
Their sobriety mustn't be very strong if they get upset or annoyed at someone having a sensible drink.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 21:19

@Ultrarunner

For everyone, I thank you for your input. For those that have said my darling girl is right- the fact that I resent you and want to call you out for 'not getting it' makes it clear. I may not have an alcohol problem myself but that giving in to my partner's request makes me feel compromised x lots means it's Shit I've got to go, haven't I?
Are you drunk?
PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 21:20

Have you discussed having alcohol in the house? Or did you just rock up with a bottle of wine out of the blue? Also, as someone else said, you having a drink to celebrate is excluding her from your celebration.

liveitwell · 19/11/2020 21:21

YABU her sobriety comes first.
For any alcoholics or former alcoholics, they cannot be around alcohol.

If your partner feels this way then it's up to you whether you can live without alcohol or not. If not, I suggest you go your own ways.

I'm surprised this didn't come up before moving across the country to live with her?

Waveysnail · 19/11/2020 21:22

My friend is alcoholic her opinion is that you opened bottle wine and had one glass that would be fine her issue would be that opened bottle of wine in the house- just sitting there. She would struggle knowing its there waiting to be drunk.

Coriandersucks · 19/11/2020 21:23

@PaperTowels I wondered that too! The change of tone in the posts...

WattleOn · 19/11/2020 21:24

YABU her sobriety comes first.
For any alcoholics or former alcoholics, they cannot be around alcohol.

This is not true.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 21:25

[quote Coriandersucks]@PaperTowels I wondered that too! The change of tone in the posts...[/quote]
Yup. I reckon that bottle of wine is going down quite quickly.

Have you been drinking at home during lockdown? I'm guessing this isn't the first bottle of wine, is it?

RonObvious · 19/11/2020 21:26

It does sound like the goalposts are being moved. She was originally okay with you drinking, but now isn’t. I’ve known alcoholics who would never have alcohol in the house, but they were very definite on that. It’s odd that she doesn’t seem to have consistent boundaries at 30 years sober. I am nearly 19 years sober, and have very clear lines for myself, although alcohol in the house doesn’t bother me, and my husband likes a wee drink or two.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 21:26

@WattleOn

YABU her sobriety comes first. For any alcoholics or former alcoholics, they cannot be around alcohol.

This is not true.

Yes it's not true. But I also don't think we are being told the whole story here...
longwayoff · 19/11/2020 21:27

I'm an ex smoker. I prefer people to not smoke in my company because, 20 years later, I still would quite like a cigarette and it tempts me. If my partner lit a fag in my house and started puffing away, I'd be irked.

yellowcatss · 19/11/2020 21:29

she is controlling you can drink what you like op

Oxyiz · 19/11/2020 21:33

She doesn't want you to drink alcohol. You want to.

It doesn't matter about control, its just a simple incompatibility.

I have to say, as a teetotaller (I absolutely hate the taste and sensation, so this isn't a virtuous thing!), it can be absolutely bloody miserable spending the evening with someone who's just getting drunk, and I'd possibly leave too rather than watch.

VetiverAndLavender · 19/11/2020 21:34

I think it's something you have to decide for yourself. If I lived with a recovered/recovering alcoholic, I'd accept that I probably couldn't have alcohol in the house. It's easy for me to say, since I don't drink, but if I did, I think I'd have to limit myself to times when my partner wasn't around.

To me, it's similar to if I lived with someone with a severe allergy. You care about the person more than whatever they're allergic to, so you don't bring home wheat, peanuts, or whatever it might be.

Alcoholics (like people with allergies) have to accept that the world isn't going to change for their benefit, so on some level it's their responsibility to protect themselves-- but in this case, it's their home. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to be able to voice their limits within the home. For your partner, she doesn't feel comfortable having alcohol in the house or being with you while you drink.

BacktoB · 19/11/2020 21:36

I think you need to sit and have a talk with her. Maybe she'd be ok with you drinking beer? Maybe you need to buy half bottles of wine so you can drink it in one night and it won't be a temptation.
But I have to say, I'm surprised that this hasn't come up in the past - you've never had an alcoholic drink in front of her?

ImMoana · 19/11/2020 21:36

The fact you drank around her when you visited but now you have moved in she doesn’t want you to, suggests you’ve been misled about the arrangement. I can understand why you are putting this down to her being controlling. This wasn’t what you agreed to.

I guess you now need to decide whether not drinking in her/your home at all is a dealbreaker.

Oxyiz · 19/11/2020 21:37

I would imagine its probably different for see someone have the occasional drink while dating, to being locked in the house with someone who brings a bottle home to drink by themselves.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 21:38

I don't think we're being told the whole truth here.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 21:40

@Ultrarunner

his wife doesn’t drink in the house but drinks socially elsewhere. I think it’s entirely understandable. I would LOVE this and was making massive efforts when I moved here and then Lockdown hit
What do you mean here? What massive efforts were you making?

You've been drinking at home quite a lot, haven't you? Was tonight the last straw for her/you?