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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My reformed alcoholic partner doesn't want me to drink

159 replies

Ultrarunner · 19/11/2020 19:35

She's 30 years sober and I totally respect this.
We met online 2 years ago
I moved 300 miles to her from rural Yorkshire to SE England 15 months ago (I'm a teacher, can work anywhere, spent today on an online conference where I was nominated for a national award - not boasting, just clarifying)
I bought a bottle of wine to celebrate with the intention of having a glass - she has shunned the dinner I prepared and gone to bed which I get BUT - I feel like I'm compromising me. I'm not going to neck vats of wine but I want to unwind without feeling like - well, like shit
I get that she is struggling but AIBU to feel controlled?

OP posts:
HotSince63 · 19/11/2020 21:42

You've gone from seeing her and having "a drink" at the weekend..

to moving in and drinking during the week.

And quite frankly in your last few post come across as drunk.

Heyahun · 19/11/2020 21:49

Fuck that! Why should you have to stop drinking when you don’t have a problem..that’s unfair

She needs to learn to be around others who might be drinking it’s going to happen in life!

FOJN · 19/11/2020 21:50

For any alcoholics or former alcoholics, they cannot be around alcohol.

This is absolutely not true. I'm quite sure the poster means well but is important to understand that an alcoholic who is still drinking will read that statement and decide that sobriety isn't worth trying for if they're going to spend then rest of their life battling to stay sober every single day.

We do not hang onto sobriety by our finger nails, we get through the difficult early weeks and then we really start to live. We do not have to fight the urge to drink on a daily basis because we're too busy getting stuff done just like everyone else. We do not struggle to be around alcohol and drinkers, it simply doesn't affect us. Drunk people are more difficult to tolerate and the irony of that does not escape us Smile. Life just keeps getting better for alcoholics who find recovery.

Of course I cannot speak for every recovering alcoholic but I have spoken to thousands over the years who also report feeling the same way.

Mittens030869 · 19/11/2020 21:50

It does make a difference what alcohol you bring to your home. I’ve had alcohol issues but only ever with wine. Any other alcoholic drink doesn’t tempt me at all; my DH buys beer occasionally and it doesn’t even register with me because I don’t like it.

If you would like to celebrate with an alcoholic drink, does it have to be wine?

Either way, you need to talk this through, as it’s an issue that won’t go away.

AfterSchoolWorry · 19/11/2020 21:52

@Blueberries0112

Her drinking problem is still fresh in her mind and she she probably not ready to be around drinks yet. Maybe in a few years she will be able to handle it. Right now, she still need support, I guess. Up to you if you are willing to hold off drinking or not.
She's 30 years sober!
Lotty32 · 19/11/2020 21:54

I'm sober for 8 months and my husband drinks at home but in another room. Alcohol is everywhere in life and I need to accept this.But each of us have our own ways of handling life! If she feels uncomfortable then that is her call. We are taught to protect our sobriety over anything else!

Pumperthepumper · 19/11/2020 21:55

Your partner has been completely honest with you though. If she’s 30 years sober and asking you not to drink then I’d say you need to decide if the relationship is worth you also being sober. I’m not pretending it’s easy to live with an addict, it isn’t. But you know where the line is.

FangsForTheMemory · 19/11/2020 21:56

In your position I wouldn’t dream of drinking alcohol at home. She may be sober but she’s still an alcoholic. She may feel undermined by your behaviour.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 21:57

I'd really like to hear the other side of this Hmm

After 30 years, I'd say that her partner having the occasional drink in the house would be absolutely no problem for her. And you more or less said that you'd been drinking at home, before and after lockdown.

What's actually happening here?

CatsOutOfTheBag · 19/11/2020 21:57

C'mon @Ultrarunner. Put down the grog and talk to us

NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 21:58

Certainly some people who have given up drinking are fine with being around it. Whether out/ at home/ or maybe just the first.

However everyone is different and if that's what she needs then it's not ok to say she has to compromise. As the consequences of that could be so awful.

picklemewalnuts · 19/11/2020 22:02

I hope this doesn't sound nitpicking, but when you say you ask her if you can have a drink...

To me that would feel like rubbing my nose in it, that I can't have it. Alcohol isn't my issue, it's food. If DH came and said 'I'm having a chocolate biscuit, is that ok? Can I just eat this big cream cake? You're ok if I have this tube of Pringles, are you?' I'd have to eat him. Or kill him. Or both.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 19/11/2020 22:11

Unpopular opinion but I think your partner is being childish and controlling.

If she had just given up her addiction and was struggling then yes I would say it was thoughtless of you but she's been sober for 30 years . She should be used to people around her drinking.

If she sits in a restaurant or a public place where people are drinking, is she going to sulk and shun the food there?

Has she ever asked you not to drink in front of her before you lived together? If not, I would tell her to give her a head a wobble.
If you want to have the odd glass to celebrate then you should be able to.

I think its controlling of your partner to act like this when you have a drink. Shes not saying dont drink but shes acting this way so you think next time you want a glass, you'll think twice.

I would be having a conversation with her about this and ways to go forward.

Zoolally · 19/11/2020 22:21

If this hasn’t come up before, maybe she’s having a setback in her recovery and doesn’t want the temptation of alcohol around. COVID and lockdown has put a huge mental strain on people. Maybe she’s struggling and it’s all got on top of her. Why don’t you just talk to her and see if she means she doesn’t want you to drink at the minute, or if she means ever.

480Widdio · 19/11/2020 22:21

I am a recovering Alcoholic nearly 18 years.I am an AA member.I would never expect someone to not drink alcohol because of me!! That’s ridiculous!Controlling behaviour.

The only thing I don’t like is being around drunks

copperoliver · 19/11/2020 22:22

I'd say alcoholics can never have alcohol in the home as they will always be tempted.
You either have to be alcohol free when with her and only drink when out with friends ect or not be with her, it's too much for her and you would not want to let her slide backwards. X

Couchbettato · 19/11/2020 22:25

Your home is your safe space and if people make that safe space compromised by introducing a threat (in the case the threat of reintroducing addictive substance), then they're not being supportive. I'm sorry OP, but I think you're unreasonable.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 22:26

@WithLotsOfSprinkles0

Unpopular opinion but I think your partner is being childish and controlling.

If she had just given up her addiction and was struggling then yes I would say it was thoughtless of you but she's been sober for 30 years . She should be used to people around her drinking.

If she sits in a restaurant or a public place where people are drinking, is she going to sulk and shun the food there?

Has she ever asked you not to drink in front of her before you lived together? If not, I would tell her to give her a head a wobble.
If you want to have the odd glass to celebrate then you should be able to.

I think its controlling of your partner to act like this when you have a drink. Shes not saying dont drink but shes acting this way so you think next time you want a glass, you'll think twice.

I would be having a conversation with her about this and ways to go forward.

We're being played. He's obviously been drinking since he moved in there, he says he has.

But tonight something has happened and he's playing us by making out she's being unreasonable and, in his word, "controlling".

Veryverycalmnow · 19/11/2020 22:27

Argh! The rules changed without you knowing. It's tricky. I would talk a lot with them before making any big decisions. Well done for your nomination. You deserve to celebrate of course. It's a shame this has been overshadowed.

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 22:27

@480Widdio

I am a recovering Alcoholic nearly 18 years.I am an AA member.I would never expect someone to not drink alcohol because of me!! That’s ridiculous!Controlling behaviour.

The only thing I don’t like is being around drunks

I think we're getting to the crux of the matter here...
NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 22:27

If that's what she needs then that's what she needs.

Having booze in the house is just an unnecessary temptation for some alcoholics.

If she had packed in cigarettes. Or cocaine. Would it be childish to say I don't want it in the house/ you doing it in front of me.

In the end it sounds like it's something she feels the need to put her foot down on. And OP needs to go along with it or not live together.

Because the consequences of alcoholism are non trivial.

I'm surprised that so many are saying she's out of order.

NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 22:29

I was fine with being out with people drinking when I gave up for 8 years. But I wouldn't have it in the house. If we had people round who had a drink we'd get rid of any left over or ask people to take it home.

My OH stopped drinking as well- I never asked him to and would have been happy for him to go to pub and have a few beers etc but he's not a big boozer so just stopped.

switswooo · 19/11/2020 22:30

She’s BU to demand you never drink again.
It’s not clear from your posts if you think you’re paying too much towards household bills? Is there financial abuse? However I can see why an ex-alcoholic wouldn’t want alcohol in the house.

R3ALLY · 19/11/2020 22:31

What lemon peonies said. My DP is / was an alcoholic, sober for 4 years and I drink in the house. Not to excess but a couple of glasses at weekend. He’s fine with it ... he doesn’t want to drink. He has his own ground rules ... doesn’t go for eg to parties or leaves before people get messy. But feels it’s unrealistic to live in a world without drink. But I’ve another friend who gave up because her husband did. It seems to be a very individual decision

PaperTowels · 19/11/2020 22:31

She’s BU to demand you never drink again.

She hasn't! And he's been drinking in their home since he moved in, he's said he has.

COME ON PEOPLE, join the dots!