To think she's perfect?

[selfimprove21]

In a nutshell, I'm jealous of my sister in law.

She's slim, blonde, very beautiful, got a good job, dresses great, went public school and she's really confident, my in laws love her and she has a lot of friends. She has very rich parents and a gorgeous home, no money worries etc and she seems nice too!

I hate myself for it but I'm so jealous! She is simply better than me in every way.

How do you overcome this?!

if you could wave a magic wand and swap places with her, would you? my guess is no.

You are not at all unreasonable and I'm sorry you feel you compare negatively.
I teach at a university that would be considered 'non-elite', though, and I can tell you this: none of the students ended up here because they weren't 'bright' enough to go somewhere better. The system is totally rigged so that rich kids go to elite universities and the state school kids come to places like where I work. My students have fantastic abilities and often achieve against the odds. They have wonderfully rich, interesting lives and experiences and I love spending time with them. I have so much respect for some of them and for how they make their way in a world that hasn't poured easy advantage on them. I'm sure your in-laws feel the same about you. As others have said: look for ways to respect and appreciate yourself a bit more and try not to waste time on useless comparisons.

Sorry about the PCOS. That sucks and it's very easy to get sucked into negative comparisons when TTC. Mumsnet is the place to find support with that particular one!

If I were I would try to be as warm and friendly to her as you can so that you can at least become friends as it would be nice for you to have her in your life if she is as lovely as you say she is. Once you are really close to someone you forget about those superficial qualities you are listing and just see them as them. On paper my sister is someone I could be envious of but she is just my sister to me. And she might seem perfect but she isn’t even though she is great.

Chin up @selfimprove21
You are not alone 😔
I am the ugly ducking who never turned the beautiful swan... 😔😔😔

But! I found a way to feel content with my life and appreciate my loved ones 🤗

💐🤗💐🤗 big hug, I am sure you are special to someone 💐

Look into improving yourself if it bothers you that much...

Jealousy is a horrible trait and will ruin your life if you allow it to...

I notice that you are judging yourself as lesser based on very surface things. I hope that you can realize that you SIL is not perfect, that somewhere, perhaps not on the surface, she has as many flaws and issues as you do. Perhaps more.

No one is perfect. NO ONE. Everyone is flawed in one way or the other. The most perfect person I ever knew, and who very much resembled what you've described your SIL as being, committed suicide because keeping up the appearance of that perfection just...killed her soul, and she couldn't stop for fear of being known NOT to be perfect.

The only thing we need to be perfect at is being perfectly, honestly ourselves.

Be happy for her and accept that nothing she does or is negatively impacts on you.

You are you - if you're not content & confident, figure out why & work some actions out to get to where YOU want to be.

But honestly just work out how to love yourself & be content with who you are because that we are who we are till the end.

@DeadGood u know very well "what I'm on about" but you didn't like me referring to my situation. My SIL is eaten up by jealousy and it has destroyed all chances of positive communication. It's a terrible shame as my family were delighted to have her in the famuly, I was excited about my DB finding love, and I hoped we could all be friendly. It sounds like the OP feels the same as my SIL and I was saying how that approach can destroy positive relationships. That ok for u?

Well, Diana springs to mind - a beautiful swan, lots of envious women when she's landed the Prince (and gerself from the priviledged background). Just the best example of how things can be utterly different from what they seem.

@Poppingnostopping

Well life isn't fair. Some people genuinely do have easy lives and nothing bad ever happens to them

I just don't believe that, though. Everyone has parents, they are going to get sick, have problems, die eventually. That's sad. Most people have friends who have hard times even if they are lucky for periods. I don't know anyone who has never been bullied, missed out on good grades, got sad/depressed/anxious, been unlucky in love, miscarried and that's without listing the other stuff- death, illness, trauma, abuse. No-one genuinely has an entire lifetime of happiness, although some may be more cushioned and some may not have bad things happen til later in their lives (this was true for me, bad school days, easy twenty years in between, terrible last decade).

May I present to you exhibit A, Holly Willoughby.

If anyone's lived a charmed life it's her.

I think people who look perfect often just feel confident and comfortable about who they are. Sometimes they just don't do things they're not good at or avoid trying new things. I once had someone laughingly tell me that. It's really sad. I'd much rather make a fool of myself but have fun...and if people think I'm perfect, they're going to be hurt and confused when they find out I'm not. I've been the seemingly perfect blonde woman (natural, obviously 😉). For me, it was exhausting, although I don't think I realized it at the time. Maybe get to know her better and if she is as lovely as she seems, you've made a great friend, and if she isn't, you'll have made a friend and shattered the illusion.

Yes, Holly Willboughy reminds me a lot of the woman I was referring to upthread. Both blonde and pretty, nice kids, looks like they have adoring husbands, lots of friends, rich etc, etc. But I doubt it's all perfect in Holly's world.

Another echo of just because things or a person seems perfect, it doesn't mean they are. Also life is not static - she may well be extremely lucky right now, but that doesn't protect her from bad luck, ill health, heartache or sadness in the future. Not that I'm wishing or predicting that for in any way, just pointing out that no-one knows what changes life has in store for us.

Try and focus on what you have - you are probably perfect or aspirational to someone else!

@selfimprove21 You can turn jealousy around by thinking of it as a pointer to what you value in life. We're not jealous of what we don't want. I'm not jealous of gold medallists in the Olympics because sport doesn't interest me.

What you are jealous of:

She's slim. So maybe you want to lose some weight.
She's blonde and pretty. Very few people are downright ugly. Prettiness is achieved by spending a bit of time on your appearance and getting the right haircut.
She went to public school; she's confident. You can't change the past but you can continue your education in any area that you want. And you can try to build your self confidence.

And so on. If you look at each thing that bothers you as a prompt towards actions you;d feel good about taking in your own life, then your jealousy will reduce.

Also, no one is perfect. I remember being behind this tall, slim, muscular woman in yoga, performing perfect, elegant, complex poses. I spent the whole class swilling with jealousy that I was so short and fat and ungainly, and wished I had her body. Then at the end of the class, I overheard the teacher asked her about how her cancer treatment was going. Suddenly I didn't want to swap my body for hers. It was a real shock of a lesson. We have no idea what life holds for people who appear perfect.

You can only see the outer covering selfimprove rather than inside which may well be a hornet's nest of insecurities. She may work hard on making sure that this outer shell is 'perfect' due to all sorts of concerns. Many of us worry if we're good enough and most of us are. Try not to compare yourself OP.

My own SIL seems perfect - she's slim, has lovely hair and designer clothes BUT her husband is a selfish, self-centred boar, her children are grabby and materialistic. Is she content? I'd say probably not. She's always got to 'keep her end up.' No better or worse than me - shorter, fatter, less well-educated, etc, etc but I'm happy in my own skin and you should be too.

she sounds nice and blessed in many ways with looks and circumstance. I go through phases of being in awe of people I wish I was more like, but ultimately, im just myself, and you are just you. Shes probably quite ordinary really. It sounds like youve put her on a pedestal a bit

I was always made to feel uglier being brunette because my blonde friend always had the men after her but as I’ve grown up, I find dark hair more attractive anyway but that’s just me. Write down the things you feel insecure about with yourself not thinking of her or anyone else and it’s a good start.

Brunette is lovely!

You definitely can’t beat brunette for impossibly shiny, glossy, enviable hair!

[quote Labobo]@selfimprove21 You can turn jealousy around by thinking of it as a pointer to what you value in life. We're not jealous of what we don't want. I'm not jealous of gold medallists in the Olympics because sport doesn't interest me.

What you are jealous of:

She's slim. So maybe you want to lose some weight.
She's blonde and pretty. Very few people are downright ugly. Prettiness is achieved by spending a bit of time on your appearance and getting the right haircut.
She went to public school; she's confident. You can't change the past but you can continue your education in any area that you want. And you can try to build your self confidence.

And so on. If you look at each thing that bothers you as a prompt towards actions you;d feel good about taking in your own life, then your jealousy will reduce.

Also, no one is perfect. I remember being behind this tall, slim, muscular woman in yoga, performing perfect, elegant, complex poses. I spent the whole class swilling with jealousy that I was so short and fat and ungainly, and wished I had her body. Then at the end of the class, I overheard the teacher asked her about how her cancer treatment was going. Suddenly I didn't want to swap my body for hers. It was a real shock of a lesson. We have no idea what life holds for people who appear perfect.[/quote]
That's a sobering story.... very true. We never know what battles people are facing.

Bet she's shit in bed 🤣

You can admire someone and how great their life is without being jealous. I'm sure she has insecurities just like you and I doubt her life is perfect.

Someone probably looks at you in the same way u look at SIL

@Ddot

Bet she's shit in bed 🤣

snort

as I posted above - people thought my life was perfect and I had more than one comment slung my way about my being blonde (highlights!) and pretty when I was younger - before and after I was married.

What people didn't see was I was unhappily married, ex-DH was a bully and a Jekyll/Hyde character and I was being pressurised to have DC with him but wasn't sure if I even wanted DC.

I got quite a few married friends after we got married say to me stuff like - 'oh you're so lucky, Jamie is xxx etc' - he had a good job etc. Nothing matters though when you come home from work to a 'show home' and DH comes home or is at home getting drunk or worse doesn't want to come home and then is moody and miserable AF and won't talk. We put on a good show to outside world though.

someone I used to work with used to get comments slung her way re: wealthy DH, pregnant and very happy - and she was very attractive, seemed to have it all etc.

She rang me about a year or 18 months after she had her DD, really unhappy and saying she'd had PND and she wouldn't have another DC and it had almost broken up her marriage.

Yet to outside world she didn't have to work, was studying to do something else and looked like she had it all.

Comparison is the thief of joy.