To think she's perfect?

[selfimprove21]

In a nutshell, I'm jealous of my sister in law.

She's slim, blonde, very beautiful, got a good job, dresses great, went public school and she's really confident, my in laws love her and she has a lot of friends. She has very rich parents and a gorgeous home, no money worries etc and she seems nice too!

I hate myself for it but I'm so jealous! She is simply better than me in every way.

How do you overcome this?!

Oh OP, I’d be jealous of her as well. She sounds like she’s been very lucky. But that’s life. We don’t get the same cards, unfortunately. I’m jealous of loads of people.

I'm sure she's lovely, but to me she sounds quite boring. Rich parents, public school, family money, privilege, wealth. It's all very bland isn't it? I like people with a tale to tell, a quirky personality, people who have suffered a few set backs but they've come back fighting, people with who have had some hard edges knocked off and know a bit about life. This Pollyanna seems like she's lead quite a sheltered life and people like that tend to be bland and one dimensional. Give me a fiery personality who can tell me an X rated anecdote and knock back the gin over that any day.

And you do know she's not perfect. She's just not letting anyone in.

Whoever said that we all have a person we 'envy' to some extent is correct I think, if that helps at all?

To try to accept things you can't change with good humour is a noble goal I feel whilst finding out what it is you want to aim for/develop in time.

I know a woman like your SIL only she has seemingly nailed perfect parenting to, her children have been greatly influenced by her but are their own people too. The list of their attributes is long and impressive. It is easy to compare my life to hers and feel a complete failure. Some really don't have issues and struggles that some allude to here, for some it really is ALL roses but things can change at any point for any of us and being grateful for what you have is really important for good mental health.

Rich parents, public school, family money, privilege, wealth. It's all very bland isn't it?

Is that what bland is? I know lots of poor people who are as bland as anything.

This Pollyanna seems like she's lead quite a sheltered life and people like that tend to be bland and one dimensional.

Oh my god. The spite on display here is breathtaking.

I had a friend who used to say she was jealous of me and wanted my life. Little did she know that my husband was beating the shit out me. All that glitters is not gold.

Ask her for tips op, like I’m getting my hair done, fancy a change what do you think bla bla.

You sound lovely too

I don’t really understand jealousy it’s very destructive emotion, let’s take this one thing at a time, she’s slim blonde and very beautiful, I don’t get this thing with blondes it’s just a hair colour, I prefer brunette it shines, 🤪 she’s beautiful, but many people are and what is beautiful to one person isn’t to another, A good job dresses well and went to public school, she could have studied for a while, dresses well cos of money to do so, although you can still look nice wherever you shop, no money worries but that can change anytime for anyone, why don’t you focus more on the fact she’s a nice person, I don’t get that she is better than you in every way! Just cos how she looks and job and got lot friends, why don’t you focus more on yourself op, I don’t see where any of these things make her better than you

I really dislike the type of answers you see sometimes...

"She probably is drowning in debt/has secret vices/is boring/mean/bland" etc.

Some people are fortunate, lucky and/or just all around lovely, pretty and come from a privileged background.

Demonising them by projecting imagined flaws to their lives isn't helpful at all.

Like pps mentioned,.it's better to focus on yourself and on identifying what would help your quality of life.

[quote selfimprove21]@Audreyseyebrows

I am just very normal and not that impressive. I'm not horrible but just wouldn't notice me in a crowd type thing.

Not well educated (something I am embarrassed of, not of being state schooled but not being bright enough to go to a good university). My main issue is lack of confidence which is probably what's holding me back.

I don't really know why I said blonde in the list - I didn't mean to offend anyone, sorry![/quote]
@selfimprove21 confidence and self esteem can be worked on. I think looking at this will help you enormously.

I bet if your SIL described you she would have lots of nice things to say about you.

What is there to overcome? All people are different, some are more or less fortunate. I used to work with a woman who looked like a model and was also a lovely and kind person. I still think of her very positively even though we haven’t met up in a while due to distance. I would just concentrate on your own life and try to enjoy it as much as you can.

"Do not envy the man [or woman] who lives in the big house; he alone knows the nightmares that haunt his sleep"

Somewhere out there someone is jealous of you (or would be if they knew you) - because you would appear to have more than them. There is always some with more, some with less than you.

@EspressoX10

I really dislike the type of answers you see sometimes...

"She probably is drowning in debt/has secret vices/is boring/mean/bland" etc.

Some people are fortunate, lucky and/or just all around lovely, pretty and come from a privileged background.

Demonising them by projecting imagined flaws to their lives isn't helpful at all.

Like pps mentioned,.it's better to focus on yourself and on identifying what would help your quality of life.

Very good response. I just knew posters will pile in to comfort OP with the idea that the SIL might be horrible, terminally ill, or deranged! as if this should be a measure of how to feel positive about oneself.

Just to put this in perspective and hope no one thinks this is a weird boast:

The outsiders:
I'm considered very attractive, I receive a lot of male attention and I have a desirable 'look' and figure.
I live in a very expensive house
I earn in the top 1% for my age (my age being key here, not that rich)
I have a husband who appears to worship me and spoil me.
I'm well educated, have a top degree from a top uni and work in one of the hardest industries to enter doing something very intelligent.

The truth:
I have OCD and I am crippled by it, it makes all my relationships more effort as I appear irrational and difficult, I spend my days worrying about everything and feel sick 24/7
I feel inadequate at my job and panic regularly
My husband has done some pretty shitty things in our relationship that still haunt me. We are working through them but no one would have any idea
I am about to undergo tests which I'm sure will tell me I will struggle to conceive and need surgery
I hate how I look and feel hugely fat every single minute

So, don't be jealous. What I would do to swap places with people who seem to envy me.

Comparison is the thief of all joy

I agree with @EspressoX10 and @Mcnotty she might have absolutely nothing going on in the background. I don’t think it’s helpful to the op to say oh she’s probably got hidden issues. She might. She might not. Either way it doesn’t matter.

It’s good that the op recognised she is jealous. It’s totally normal but not nice for her so she needs to acknowledge that and work on learning to focus on herself.

In contradiction to what I just said I am reminded of my BIL former girlfriend who wistfully said to me one day I always look so polished and my hair is always perfect. Little did she know I have hair loss and wear a wig. My hair is always perfect as I have to take it off before I go to sleep.

You should never judge anyone on how they appear. It’s better to just focus on yourself. I always felt bad for that poor girl comparing herself negatively to me when she had no clue!!!!

No one’s perfect and I’m sure you’re an amazing person to.

Her farts still stink op. She's still human.

A few pp have said this and it's the only sensible advice: you need to work on your confidence and self-esteem. Maybe start a thread about that and you will probably get some good advice.

Most of what you’ve mentioned are pretty superficial things - you don’t really know her that well I don’t think . Some people are just very lucky - but it can all change in a heartbeat or be a carefully managed front.

You sound down on yourself though and that’s what’s more concerning - you seem determined to describe yourself as ordinary - nobody is ordinary really . The best thing you can do is try to learn to be comfortable and satisfied in your own skin.

Op it's good you recognise this. You know deep down that no one is fundamentally "better" than someone else because of their relative looks, wealth, or employment. Now you can recognise this in yourself you can work on it. Just focus on your relationship with your brother.

OP, it looks like you are struggling at the moment.

It's easy to look over the proverbial fence and think the grass is greener. It probably is now.
But it won't do you any good to keep looking.

I'd rather focus on what you can do yourself to get through the current hard time and on how you can make yourself a little bit happier.
You may even ask yourself why you felt so jealous of her at some point.

To be honest she is probably better than you, but it has nothing to do with her looks, how she has been brought up or her current circumstances ( you have no idea what her problems she has had to and may still endure). She just sounds like a positive, happy person who is to be around.
You on the other hand do sound very negative and that's a shame as I am sure ppl would love to have your life.

@EspressoX10

I really dislike the type of answers you see sometimes...

"She probably is drowning in debt/has secret vices/is boring/mean/bland" etc.

Some people are fortunate, lucky and/or just all around lovely, pretty and come from a privileged background.

Demonising them by projecting imagined flaws to their lives isn't helpful at all.

Like pps mentioned,.it's better to focus on yourself and on identifying what would help your quality of life.

Totally agree with this. It's really sad when the go to is suggesting SIL is boring / troubled / unhappy. She might be just as lovely as she seems and a great new mate for OP!

There's just no point comparing onesself to other people - it seldom leads to anything but misery. As people have said, focus on your own life and you'll be the happier for it.

@selfimprove21

In a nutshell, I'm jealous of my sister in law.

She's slim, blonde, very beautiful, got a good job, dresses great, went public school and she's really confident, my in laws love her and she has a lot of friends. She has very rich parents and a gorgeous home, no money worries etc and she seems nice too!

I hate myself for it but I'm so jealous! She is simply better than me in every way.

How do you overcome this?!

she might seem perfect but you can bet there's something which isn't perfect in her world.

Lots of 'perfect' people aren't that way - act a part.

I know of one woman who to look at her you'd think she has it all - same situation as you - but was bullied terribly due to being anorexic and also the colour of her hair (red/ginger). As a consequence she's quite defensive and hard to get close to.

When I was younger people (24/25) thought I had the 'dream life' - I had a couple of big inheritances (which meant I spent a bit of it too!) but spending money and going out a lot meant I enjoyed myself a lot and didn't look deep inside myself! All I wanted to do was party, have fun, not get tied down (I did date though) etc. I got lots of nasty comments behind my back though for my behaviour yet I rarely did anything wrong and a couple of 'friends' were only too quick to tear me down when something did go wrong.