To think she's perfect?

[selfimprove21]

In a nutshell, I'm jealous of my sister in law.

She's slim, blonde, very beautiful, got a good job, dresses great, went public school and she's really confident, my in laws love her and she has a lot of friends. She has very rich parents and a gorgeous home, no money worries etc and she seems nice too!

I hate myself for it but I'm so jealous! She is simply better than me in every way.

How do you overcome this?!

“ Maybe she is all those things & perfectly lovely to boot.”

Which the OP stated in her OP.

Just assume she has a recurrant thrush problem

Anyone who thinks being blonde is NOT a sign of privilege is very much mistaken.

As a pp said, blonde children are always favored. Which leads to better grades in school, more opportunity, etc.

Oh OP, I hear you. It's not so much about her as a person but it sounds more about that it's about the opportunities and good fortune she's had. She was born to well-off parents and had a great education, was able to go to uni and get a good job. She was able to have a wonderful wedding and has since had a baby. All of these things sound like natural triggers for you to beat yourself up because these are important to you and you've missed out.

I know it's hard, but try breaking it down into smaller detail. You're not necessarily jealous of her, just of her good luck. Do you want her wedding - to her husband? No (I assume!). Do you want her baby? No, you want your own. Bloody Covid has put a halt to so many things, no wonder you feel bloody fed up that it appears that she seems to have everything.

Like others have said, turn the focus onto you. What is it that you envy most? The wedding? Yours will come. The baby? Fingers crossed that will come too. The great relationship with your in-laws? If you feel yours is lacking, can you try and get closer? If it's her lifestyle - think about what it is that she has that really resonates with you and then put into action a plan to get those things.

It sounds like you give yourself a really hard time. For what it's worth, you sound lovely. I bet your family, including her and your in-laws, all think so too.

If life was a cartoon, those qualities might make her 'better' than you but in reality you are equals. you probably have many desirable qualities you take for granted that she may well wish she had. Don't let it be your focus. you could try and learn a new skill- choose something you enjoy and you never know, you may impress someone too, if that's important to you.

a) Please do not be fooled by perfect life. Scratch beneath the surface exterior you often find things are not as perfect as what they would like you to believe.

b) Even if she is lucky/perfect. Life can change in an instant. I had a similar thing where I was envious of someone I knew who seemed to have it all. They ended up dying at 49...

@sunshinehappy20

a) Please do not be fooled by perfect life. Scratch beneath the surface exterior you often find things are not as perfect as what they would like you to believe.

b) Even if she is lucky/perfect. Life can change in an instant. I had a similar thing where I was envious of someone I knew who seemed to have it all. They ended up dying at 49...

God the things people write.

Envy is the worst emotion, because it attacks the all the good and turns it into something worthless. Its very painful to feel envious as you feel robbed and hollowed out of anything to sustain you. Whatever good you might have, it is a load of crap.

The best antidote to envy is gratitude (well, actually, gratitude is what you can allow yourself experience if your envy is not too rampant).

OP - I prescribe as a remedy that you write down ten good things you have in your life and each morning spend 15 mins sitting quietly thinking about each one, how good it is, and how grateful you are that you have it.

Ten days of that will put your envy back in its box for a bit. Then the less envious you are, the more you will know about your gratitude ... and repeat until you are in the sunny uplands of feeling blessed.

Good luck!

OP, I'm in exactly the same situation as you (though not public school - SIL went to a particularly crap state school and excelled, which proves she really is perfect). I have been consumed with jealousy for years and I could have written your post. I still am, if I'm honest, but it has lessened. What helped was unfollowing her on social media, asking myself what exactly I was jealous of and therefore felt was missing from my life and acting on it (for me, that was giving myself permission to save up and spend a fair bit of money on decent clothes, and getting my teeth straightened). I was jealous of her relationship with our mutual in laws, so I made more of an effort with my MIL, but it also made me realise this feeling came from my own childhood issues about being perceived as the less favoured child. I've since addressed that in counselling. Crucially, I genuinely don't feel my DH secretly fancies her, which helps.

I've also widened my social circle, because I was envious of hers. Realising that there isn't a pie that is divvied up between people - just because she is slim, it doesn't also mean I can't be slim (still working on that one, prob because I'm drawn to pie analogies. And pies). So in lots of ways, my envy of her has improved my life.

Being grateful for what I do have. And a bit of magical thinking - I've decided that if you really are jealous of someone, you also have to be willing, were it possible, to actually become them (their childhood, their parents, their husband, their age, their troubles, whatever). My SIL's life objectively may be better than mine, but I'd still rather have mine, because I want my DH and my DC, not hers. Hope that makes sense, looks a bit mad written down.

Wishing you well with the PCOS. Is that what has tipped you over the edge?

There are people somewhere in the world who think that your life is perfect and you are perfect, OP.
But I do understand what you feel, I really do.

Hi op
I used to feel like this about my wealthy and beautiful SIL. What didn’t help was that my in laws treated her like an absolute princess and me like the bargain basement alternative.
Anyway all the time I was seething about her I look back on snd realise I was actually very unhappy in my own life and insecure. Nowadays she is still wealthier and prettier and even more so in terms of the big house snd nice car BUT as I’m matured and my life has changed I no longer care. I’m very happy in my own skin. I wish SIl no I’ll will but actually have realised we ( unsurprisingly) have very little in common. We are courteous but have no need to be a big part of each other’s life. My in laws still dawn over her but tbh I don’t value their attention anyway and find it all a bit embarrassing
When things are better for you, you will care much less

It's okay to be jealous sometimes . It's one of those feelings that is a total taboo, but we all feel it sometimes, it's human.

Be the best version of you, not a version of her, it might be even better.

That said, I once had a very pretty colleague, think Catharina zeta Jones type. Most other girls (we were young) didn't feel like bonding with her, she was just too perfect, even softly spoken and nice. As I got to know her, I found out she had such low self-esteem and an eating disorder. Just goes to show that you really need to walk a mile in other's boots before judging.

Simple advice - compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who other people are today.

I'm sure everyone has had a bit of envy at one time or another but focus on the fact that you don't want to feel that way and it will pass! x

You think that money, good looks and a good job makes her a better person than you.

There's your first mistake

“Being rich and pretty aren't important. What qualities do you have that are amazing? Can you cook?”

Oh lord

@DeadGood As it happens, I'm a bloody terrible cook anyway!

@DeadGood and SIL is great!

Takes all sorts to make a world. Enjoy that she is nice and be nice back.

The fact that you recognise that you are jealous makes you a loverly person. No one is that perfect.

@Mummarama That was a lovely post to read, thank you! I will try to be as generous and clear-sighted with some of my own jealousies

@Mummarama

OP, I'm in exactly the same situation as you (though not public school - SIL went to a particularly crap state school and excelled, which proves she really is perfect). I have been consumed with jealousy for years and I could have written your post. I still am, if I'm honest, but it has lessened. What helped was unfollowing her on social media, asking myself what exactly I was jealous of and therefore felt was missing from my life and acting on it (for me, that was giving myself permission to save up and spend a fair bit of money on decent clothes, and getting my teeth straightened). I was jealous of her relationship with our mutual in laws, so I made more of an effort with my MIL, but it also made me realise this feeling came from my own childhood issues about being perceived as the less favoured child. I've since addressed that in counselling. Crucially, I genuinely don't feel my DH secretly fancies her, which helps.

I've also widened my social circle, because I was envious of hers. Realising that there isn't a pie that is divvied up between people - just because she is slim, it doesn't also mean I can't be slim (still working on that one, prob because I'm drawn to pie analogies. And pies). So in lots of ways, my envy of her has improved my life.

Being grateful for what I do have. And a bit of magical thinking - I've decided that if you really are jealous of someone, you also have to be willing, were it possible, to actually become them (their childhood, their parents, their husband, their age, their troubles, whatever). My SIL's life objectively may be better than mine, but I'd still rather have mine, because I want my DH and my DC, not hers. Hope that makes sense, looks a bit mad written down.

Wishing you well with the PCOS. Is that what has tipped you over the edge?

Perfect @Mummarama

How you get over it...know that life is not fair but it could be fairer...focus on good values and be kind, this will get you far...challenge your preconceptions...be kind to yourself...most importantly of all focus on your strengths...there are things you do 'better' than her, or better than most people, traits that make you your own unique rich tapestry of a person. The short version is stopping comparing yourself will make you happier. Re. confidence...fake it until you make it. As other PPs have said, don't give jealous feelings too much attention. It is normal to feel a bit jealous and I don't think anyone should be criticised for it, but if it is more than a fleeting passing feeling of wow wouldn't it be great to have their life, ok back to my own exciting projects and goals, then you need to look at why and work on acceptance.

Lovely from the outside but you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors or what the future holds.

Looks fade that’s a certainty. They may not be able to have kids for example and being pretty and slim and likeable will mean nothing. I’m sure they’d give up their jobs, income etc if it meant having healthy kids.

That’s obviously a scenario that may not happen but no one knows.

To add- you see it happen where from the outset people appear to have the perfect life in everyday yet they are struggling in their own mind.

She could be depressed but no one would know. No one is lucky all of the time