To think she's perfect?

[selfimprove21]

In a nutshell, I'm jealous of my sister in law.

She's slim, blonde, very beautiful, got a good job, dresses great, went public school and she's really confident, my in laws love her and she has a lot of friends. She has very rich parents and a gorgeous home, no money worries etc and she seems nice too!

I hate myself for it but I'm so jealous! She is simply better than me in every way.

How do you overcome this?!

Please don't be jealous of her, she has her own battles and her own worries. Perfection does not exist in any shape or form. She is human like everyone else, and she has problems like everyone else.

Life is not a bed of roses for anyone, we just live in life cycles, and she is in a good life cycle right now, it doesn't mean it will continue forever.

I’ve found the more time you spend with people, the impact of their attractiveness wears off.

One day you’ll notice she has a weird chin, or an annoying habit and the illusion of ultimate beauty will be shattered

Remember you only see what she chooses to present. A lot of people would look at my daughter and think what you are thinking about your SIL. She appears to have it all. What they don’t see is her history of bulimia and other MH conditions.

Look at the world of celebrity - we can reel off endless names of charming, talented, charismatic, successful, rich, well connected people who are deeply unhappy behind their public persona.

Omg I hate this woman! She's not perfect

Why the hell would you hate her??

Again, I really don’t understand this. It’s not her fault she happened to be (apparently) beautiful, have rich parents, etc. She’s lovely, as far as we know, and from what I can tell it’s not as if she’s acting as if she’s perfect or she’s a better person than OP. It’s not a crime to be pretty, have lots of friends, a good job and parents who are wealthy.

Wouldn’t occur to me to hate her.

Your sister in law is not 'perfect', no one is; however she does sound very nice indeed.

Being jealous is pointless, unpleasant and only makes you feel inferior. It also shows! I'm sure there is no reason for you to feel that.

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule I never said I hated her...?!?

@selfimprove21 not you

I was replying to the comment before mine; should have quoted it, really. I expect they were being facetious anyway.

Something I've realised over the years.
It's easier to see positive attributes in others than yourself.
So you sit there and think, oh that person always looks so confident. That person is so beautiful. She has a lovely singing voice.

They are so rich etc etc. And we dont voice this out loud.
What you don't realise is that there are people who can see your attributes and are thinking, she is so lucky because of this, this and this. And because they don't say it out loud you dont realise.
Theres plenty people are thinking you are good at or reasons why you are very lucky, you just dont realise it.

Ah - I am an expert on jealousy! I used to get very jealous of people, and it ate me up and made me sad, but then I found out how to respond, and I honestly feel like I've cracked it - I'm no longer a jealous person at all. I will tell you what I do - maybe it won't work for you but it might be worth a try.

What I do is when I notice that I'm feeling jealous of something, then I just see it as an opportunity to figure out something that I want, and then I go and get just a tiny piece of it. Somehow just the tiny piece is enough - I don't need to have it as good as them, but I need to take the opportunity to get a bit of it for myself. Like for example, I was jealous of the travel-adventurous life-style of someone else, so I arranged a trip (oh-so-much-smaller and more local!) for myself, but it made me really happy and I buzzed for days at the memory of it, and came back with stories to tell. I actually felt grateful that I'd been shown something I wanted so that I could go and get it. And so now if I feel the slightly pang of envy, I straightaway feel grateful that I'm being shown something I want, and given an opportunity to make myself happier, by doing some tiny thing in the direction of the thing that gave me a pang.

Sounds like you could do this too. What are you fixating on in particular? Maybe pick one thing at a time. You say she dresses well - maybe you could put together a favourite outfit from your wardrobe and wear it at the weekend?

I hope this helps you - and I can definitely empathise, as I used to be a very jealous person and found that it was ruining my happiness.

Most of those things are not qualities I would use to determine if someone was perfect.

I came to say exactly this

@badger2005

Ah - I am an expert on jealousy! I used to get very jealous of people, and it ate me up and made me sad, but then I found out how to respond, and I honestly feel like I've cracked it - I'm no longer a jealous person at all. I will tell you what I do - maybe it won't work for you but it might be worth a try.

What I do is when I notice that I'm feeling jealous of something, then I just see it as an opportunity to figure out something that I want, and then I go and get just a tiny piece of it. Somehow just the tiny piece is enough - I don't need to have it as good as them, but I need to take the opportunity to get a bit of it for myself. Like for example, I was jealous of the travel-adventurous life-style of someone else, so I arranged a trip (oh-so-much-smaller and more local!) for myself, but it made me really happy and I buzzed for days at the memory of it, and came back with stories to tell. I actually felt grateful that I'd been shown something I wanted so that I could go and get it. And so now if I feel the slightly pang of envy, I straightaway feel grateful that I'm being shown something I want, and given an opportunity to make myself happier, by doing some tiny thing in the direction of the thing that gave me a pang.

Sounds like you could do this too. What are you fixating on in particular? Maybe pick one thing at a time. You say she dresses well - maybe you could put together a favourite outfit from your wardrobe and wear it at the weekend?

I hope this helps you - and I can definitely empathise, as I used to be a very jealous person and found that it was ruining my happiness.

This is very good advice! I was going to post something similar but you’ve put it very well.

@badger2005 thank you - I love that! My NC for this thread was partly due to me wanting to make some changes about my own life to feel better so I will use your advice as a starting point!

Comparison is the thief of all joy. She may well be very jealous of certain things you have too, OP!

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule that makes sense :) I don't hate her at all... but I am jealous!

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

She's not better than you. You're attaching a particular set of value judgements to her and it's better that you question those values than question your own self. (Are the values instilled by the public school system really that great? I'd question that for starters).

Focus on you? What are your passions? What matters to you? Do you love nature/wildlife, do you have a gift for drawing and painting, might you surprise yourself with the ability to do things such as write poetry, which you never knew you had? All these things can be very useful therapy, too.

Develop and nurture those talents, take an educational course, and if you're not happy with your career, change it. You don't have to worry about not having the kind of contacts or networking opportunities people make through public school. I've got along very well without those and so have a lot of other people.

It's about you, not her, but then you already knew this. Personally, I find conformity to socially valued norms and conventionality (think Kate Middleton) very bland and uninteresting. Individuality is far more beautiful and alluring as long as there's a kind soul to go with it.

Go find yours. And yes, you absolutely can.

What a beautifully written response to the OP.

You could go full Mean Girls and start adding protein powder to her diet shakes... Or you could just accept that she’s lovely and beautiful and well-off and that that pisses you off, as it probably would most of us.

Why are you jealous of her being blonde? this??

It’s just daft, personal preference, and you can change your hair colour if you’re that bothered? Personally I love having dark hair, it’s shinier, maybe your SIL wishes she was dark or has your colouring?
I would advise thinking more about what you have rather than comparing there’s always someone better off, and indeed worse off!

@selfimprove21 you have told us about your Sil, tell us about you? How would you (or your SIL) describe you?

I love @badger2005 idea.
I used to really punish my self that I didn’t measure up to certain people but realised that it’s ok and healthy to admire other people. It helps you to grow.

Whilst I can understand how you feel, I am sure if you got to know her better you would find out that she has insecurities too. I also bet that if she was asked she would have someone in mind that she probably feels the same about as you do her. If you want advice from her, compliment her, bet she would pass on some tips. And be the best version of you, not her.

@Audreyseyebrows

I am just very normal and not that impressive. I'm not horrible but just wouldn't notice me in a crowd type thing.

Not well educated (something I am embarrassed of, not of being state schooled but not being bright enough to go to a good university). My main issue is lack of confidence which is probably what's holding me back.

I don't really know why I said blonde in the list - I didn't mean to offend anyone, sorry!

I don’t get the blonde thing either? I personally think darker hair looks better anyway if you want dye your hair then??

What's your relationship with her like? Do you get on well? Do you see each other much?

I don't really know why I said blonde in the list - I didn't mean to offend anyone, sorry!

There’s nothing offensive about it. Don’t apologise. You think her blonde hair is beautiful. That’s okay.

@PinkPanther57 I think we get on OK - certainly no issues but I wouldn't describe us as close. We only meet up if it's a family thing.

They had a short engagement and a beautiful wedding and a baby not long after. We had to cancel our planned day due to Covid and I have PCOS so struggling with that too.