Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

429 replies

upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 17:08

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 18/11/2020 21:31

You would be very unkind to bring this up. If they wanted to tell you they would. It is none of your business and you can't know they wouldn't have had you as well. Don't make this about how you might not have existed. It's unbecoming.

namechangetheworld · 18/11/2020 21:32

It's absolutely none of your business. You said you have a very honest relationship with them - so they would have spoken to you about it if they had wanted to.

Roussette · 18/11/2020 21:35

I don't understand.
Why do you want them to know that you know?

I have adult DCs. We are very close. They know a lot about my life, probably more than most parents tell their children. But there are some things in my life that I just do not want to talk about. With them. Because it's private and personal.

If your DN wanted to talk to you about it, she would have done so already.

Roussette · 18/11/2020 21:35

DM

ktp100 · 18/11/2020 21:36

It's not your business, it's theirs.

It's not your decision to make, it's theirs.

They haven't mentioned it for a reason.

Let it be.

PaperTowels · 18/11/2020 21:36

@upbowcreek

I said they had a third trimester loss in the op. Not sure how it is a drip feed.

I am going to get this thread removed now as some if you on here really need to think about how you speak to others.

I'm trying to do the right thing and not upset people. What are you doing?

A "third trimester loss" is not "they had a baby who died soon after birth".
Turtleturtle81 · 18/11/2020 21:36

@upbowcreek

I said they had a third trimester loss in the op. Not sure how it is a drip feed.

I am going to get this thread removed now as some if you on here really need to think about how you speak to others.

I'm trying to do the right thing and not upset people. What are you doing?

This is such a weird reaction. No one of this thread has spoken to you in a bad way. You seem fixated on Papertowels for some reason, none of what she said was mean or nasty. You say you are trying to do the right thing and not upset people. We have given you advice on how to do just that. I’m not sure why you are not taking that advice on. Go ahead and bring up a traumatic moment in your mothers past and force her to confront it when she is not prepared or willing. Just don’t be surprised if she gets upset.
longwigglylines · 18/11/2020 21:39

@upbowcreek

I said they had a third trimester loss in the op. Not sure how it is a drip feed.

I am going to get this thread removed now as some if you on here really need to think about how you speak to others.

I'm trying to do the right thing and not upset people. What are you doing?

I'm sorry you've come across the arseholes of AIBU.

My suggestion is next time you have something personal to post about, put it in relationships or somewhere else on the site.

AIBU is full of people who seem to have nothing better to do than put others down. Their pack mentality is pathetic also.

I've been here more than 12 years now and I don't think I've started a thread on AIBU in at least 5. It's just not worth it.

OP, you come across as a thoughtful and caring daughter. Those who can't see that and are imagining ill intent when it isn't there aren't worth bothering about. It says A LOT more about them than it does about you. Flowers

Mydogmylife · 18/11/2020 21:43

So, many posters share painful experiences to help op see how they would feel if she pushed this issue with her mum - op doesn't like the answers so wants the thread pulled.
Poor show and I wonder if this is her default attitude when things don't go her way. explains perhaps the rather odd fixation on ' I might not be here' which wouldn't be the first thought in my mind if I found out that my mum had suffered in this way

Ontheboardwalk · 18/11/2020 21:43

upbowcreek I get that you think if your parents already had 2 children then they wouldn’t have had you a few years later. That might not be true.

My parents only wanted 2 kids. I turned up 7 years and 2 kids later with what my mum thought at the start was a stomach bug. Things happen

Your mum has kept the details private for all this time for her own reasons. Please don’t push it with her

Worried234 · 18/11/2020 21:43

Why did you even ask us? You've had a broadly majority answer, but are getting pissy, and defending the fact that you're going to do the opposite if what we alk advised anyway.
Very odd behaviour.
Your poor Mother. It seems like you're going to force her to relive it all, for your benefit, (because it's not for hers, or she'd have raised all the details with you already) wether she likes it ir not.
Do you crash through life like this at all times? Bulldozing whatever fragile boundaries people put up, so you can find out for your own 'peace of mind'...
Good god.

MrsAvocet · 18/11/2020 21:43

I can relate to your situation as I am also the child my parents almost certainly would never have had had their first child not been stillborn. My siblings and I only found out there ever was another baby after my Mum died and my Dad dropped it into conversation quite casually, somehow thinking that we all knew.
It left us all feeling quite unsettled, especially me. It isn't logical but you can't always control how things make you feel. I know they chose to have me and loved me very much but it was just a bit weird to find out.I think it might have been better if I had always known or never known. Finding out as a recently bereaved adult was difficult.
I probably would keep quiet in your situation though. I can see where you are coming from but I suspect that revealing that you know now would cause problems. Some things are best left unsaid.

Original poster
upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 21:44

@longwigglylines THANK YOU fo taking the time to post that. Feeling very sad and horrible now and that has given me a lift. I thought this was a place for people to support each other. Will not be on AIBU again and probably not MN either. Had not realised there were so many bullies on here with such twisted ideas.

OP posts:
PaperTowels · 18/11/2020 21:44

The sad fact is that even asking your mother gently if she wants to talk about it, and she says no - even that is going to bring it all back for her, and now she will know you know, and even if she doesn't want to discuss it, there it will be.

Worried234 · 18/11/2020 21:44

of what we all

longwigglylines · 18/11/2020 21:44

explains perhaps the rather odd fixation on ' I might not be here'

What fixation? FFS. Are we reading the same thread?

She mentioned it. Once. Then explained why after being harassed about it.

Haven't you got something better to do than make up things to have a go at people for?

PurpleDaisies · 18/11/2020 21:45

I thought this was a place for people to support each other.

That doesn’t mean blindly agreeing.

Original poster
upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 21:48

No need to blindly agree.
Just be nice. Don't make shit up. Listen to the op.
Plenty of people disagreed. I have no issue with that.
It's those of you who replied maliciously and refused to listen to anything I said in response. Why bother asking questions if you don't listen to the answer?

OP posts:
OffredOfjune · 18/11/2020 21:48

[quote upbowcreek]@longwigglylines THANK YOU fo taking the time to post that. Feeling very sad and horrible now and that has given me a lift. I thought this was a place for people to support each other. Will not be on AIBU again and probably not MN either. Had not realised there were so many bullies on here with such twisted ideas.[/quote]
Oh give over, ffs. This is a daily occurrence on AIBU. People don't agree with you and it's all "i'll never come on MN again!" "didn't realise MN was full of bullies" blah blah.

Nobody had bullied you in the slightest. We just don't agree with you. Grow up a bit.

PaperTowels · 18/11/2020 21:49

Why bother asking questions if you don't listen to the answer?

Why indeed...

Original poster
upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 21:49

Interesting that it's a daily occurrence that people feel bullied...

OP posts:
longwigglylines · 18/11/2020 21:49

[quote upbowcreek]@longwigglylines THANK YOU fo taking the time to post that. Feeling very sad and horrible now and that has given me a lift. I thought this was a place for people to support each other. Will not be on AIBU again and probably not MN either. Had not realised there were so many bullies on here with such twisted ideas.[/quote]
It's a weird place. I'm still here after all this time as it can, genuinely be a place where women give each other brilliant support through the ups and downs of life. There are so many knowledgeable people on here, about all sorts of topics. And the feminism boards is brilliant.

But Mumsnet's plain-talking ethos is interpreted as anything goes by certain people who just like to stick the boot in (especially if others are alongside them) and they do tend to flock to AIBU.

It'd be a shame to lose you completely! My advice would be to change your name (I do about every month or two!) and just not start threads in AIBU. It's a massive site and this isn't the only part of it. It's like a huge city and this is the main drag, but there are some much more friendly and interesting neighbourhoods if you go looking for them.

Leave this lot to it. I reckon.

OffredOfjune · 18/11/2020 21:51

@upbowcreek

Interesting that it's a daily occurrence that people feel bullied...
Yeah, it's usually what most people say when they think everyone will, as a pp said, blindly agree with them, and then they don't.
longwigglylines · 18/11/2020 21:51

Oh give over, ffs. This is a daily occurrence on AIBU. People don't agree with you and it's all "i'll never come on MN again!" "didn't realise MN was full of bullies" blah blah.

Nobody had bullied you in the slightest. We just don't agree with you. Grow up a bit.

Do you know, if someone accused me of bullying, I'd:

a. take it seriously and wonder what I'd done that had upset someone
b. apologise to the person who said it, for hurting their feelings

That you're using this as a stick to beat the OP with says a lot more about you than her.

Original poster
upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 21:51

Thank you @longwigglylines. I will indeed leave them to it now.
You've had your fun people. Move along and find your next victim.

OP posts: